Goodbye.

Yesterday, I've lost my best friend.

I lost him. 

It wasn't an easy decision for the both of us, but after 2 years and 8 months, we've decided to bid good bye, for the betterment of the both of us.

To set the both of us free.


The talk wasn't easy, I kept breaking down into tears, sobbing breathlessly, and curling into my own blanket.

He saw me through the video call as usual, and was (as per the norm), very patient with me. 

I normally don't do emotional posts as such on this blog.
But please bear with me for a bit. 

---

Ever since February, he has confessed to me that he don't think he is mature enough for love, because he doesn't know how to maintain this feeling, especially with the distance between us. He said, he can't foresee his own future, and hence, he say I should not consider him in my own future. 

I remember crying for a few straight hours after that, not willing to go for dinner or for rehearsal, huixian came up and bribed me with food, so that I'll open my door and tell someone about this. I was genuinely sad, but at the same time, I was glad that he did it for all the right reasons. 

I remember telling him: I'll wait, I'll go where life takes me, to you. 

and his answer was: don't regret this. 

--

Our relationship has our ups and downs, and since then, we both tried hard to mend this relationship, to remind each other of what it felt like, before LDR started.

But the distance and our hectic schedule made it impossible.

He became himself again, and I was really content. 

--

Ever since after my student organization event, I've started crying again.

I told him, that I haven't seen him for more than twice .. and he is leaving again.
I cried and sobbed, and asked him:

"Please let me go" 

it wasn't the first time I said this, but we both knew, that it was now or never. 

After we hung up he answered with a question: 你辛苦吗 ?

I cried even more and say：yes, but you know I'm willing to go through all these.

---

Yesterday, we've finally stopped being stubborn ... 

and said it was time to say goodbye. 

I knew he would set me free if he still cherishes me 

I always thought the crying would stop, when time goes by, 

but the truth is, I can't stop crying ever since the LDR started.. 

Hence my statement in the previous post,

This relationship, has been my belief and my curse.
It was the only thing that broke my heart, and helped me through my sad moments. 

the only way to stop this never-ending cycle of damnation, was to stop what I'm doing .. 

LDR .... 

....

I told him: You know, that in order for me to move on with my life, I don't think I can talk to you anymore
He said: I understand, you've mentioned this before

In this 73-min video call, we've confessed, we gave advices, we answered all unanswered questions, and then came the goodbye. 

The goodbye was one of the hardest goodbyes i've ever made, it reminded of how much we know about each other, how much we cared about each other, and the reason why we both needed this to happen. 

... 

Because I know the next time I talk to him, we'd have had completely different roles as we have now.
We wont be that someone special anymore, or that someone we can confess our deepest darkest secret to anymore... 

And it hurts a lot, 

because the hardest thing to shake is 习惯 

The habit of thinking him every single day of my life for the past close to 3 years, and the same goes to him.
The habit of checking wechat every once in a while, just to say jiayou , or share a little joke. 

when time goes by, I will still talk to him,
When time goes by, I will answer my messages of my friends, 

but first I need to know that I'm okay to answer these questions without breaking down into tears, and I have to make sure that I'm okay enough to make sure that I don't break my willpower. 

It has been an amazing ride:)
Thanks for the experience.

Jiayou in life, I've always seen something in you, and you'll be the legend you've aimed to become ever since you were 17. 

I will be okay :) and things will be better, just not today, and not tonight