I came by Su Min's Instagram story, it's a bird's eye view picture of Dundee at sunset and in the afternoon
The caption was "Dundee has my heart, always"
For some reason, the caption and the picture brought many emotions.
It got me scrolling through my own Instagram homepage instead
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Each photo has an associated memory, the short story leading up to the moment, the things you touched, the weather, how you felt, scent and taste.
Have you ever noticed those things start to fade as time goes by, for me the scent and taste always fade first
and the short story gets shorter and shorter, and sometimes the picture resorts to a feeling especially when I look at toddler pictures. Sometimes, it was a feeling that I got from some memories from different parts of my childhood rather than the picture alone.
I wonder what would go first when I get old and forgetful.
Would the feeling ever fade, or would it get worse than the feelings you get with a fuzzy childhood memory?
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As of today, I feel it
1) The picture of me with a flower crown on Brandon Hill.
I remember walking up the mountain with KY, talking our hearts out about leaving this place for Malaysia. I remember asking him if he would ever feel like he's left something behind. And he said he'd like to think that moving on is part of growth. I remember making the flower crown whilst he gazes out and occasionally on his phone, and sometimes we talk. He helped me pick some daisies to finish it up. I remember leaving it behind as a symbol of leaving a little piece of me in Bristol.
2) The picture of us in the living room of Bristol on Chinese New Year
I remember KY trying so hard to get us in the CNY mood after I complained about having to work the cultural holidays. He cooked, he played music, he made funny gestures and dances, he set up the camera and managed to take that picture.
3) The picture of us in the same spot in the living room of Bristol on Valentine's Day
He made a tiny tent fort for me and cosied it up, he cooked and set up the camera attempting to make this as special for me as possible. We had Mrs Potts Cake in the tent. It was a chocolate cake. I remember feeling how magical this all felt, and how to quote "How I met your mother", "you make me feel deeply loved and adored". It was a fuzzy feeling I'll never forget
I can go on and on but at risk of repeating myself. Who knows, my future self might get lost in the words I write here and just rely on those selected pictures on Instagram.
Live is filled with so many tiny and big moments. Some tiny moments I attempt to immortalise on social media, let's see how long that lasts. But many tiny moments start to fade, until I read something here, or spot something I've collected a while back. It could be a train ticket, a receipt, or a pamphlet. And it brings me back again.
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I guess the reason I felt all these feelings, was the effort I put in collating questions for the gate crash whilst on MC last night. These are all easy questions, but each potential answer leads to a memory.
All these will soon become a memory too, the memory of missing memories.
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And some days a little naive part of me hopes that the people who get emotional out of nowhere are doing exactly what this quote says.
Feeling something twice, the 2nd feeling with the tinge of nostalgia and grief.
