10月28日~~

I guess I enjoy my nights like these


==

A lone table lamp on a coffee table
A glass of scotch on the rocks
A stack of library / cheap books stacked up beside you that you know you won't touch for a while
A book, a notepad, a bookmark, a highlighter, a pencil, a pen and an eraser
All these while having a laptop in front of you to keep you company with noise and a plant to make you feel things are alive


===

I love this idea
Not necessarily just learning new things, since what I'm learning is painfully dry (information politics this time)
but the idea of getting time for yourself

The last time I did this I was at a hotel, reading a book on EU and brexit
It's just a personal preference of mine to highlight and make notes on my books
But sincerely, I do enjoy the idea of reading and the idea that I get to make a choice to say
"No, I won't work tonight" and proceed with doing my own thing
 cooking dinner, watch a video with some hot chocolate and proceed with a little casual drinking and reading

After this, call my boyfriend, go to sleep, take an early reflective train into London while watching the sunrise on the train.

What a life :)
I think I'm liking this, surprisingly not surprisingly

10月23日~~

Has been a busy past couple of weeks 

Hours felt like days, days felt like weeks etc. 

It's not suffocating yet, but it has been a lot going on 

I'm trying to learn how to roll with it 

Trying to make it clear that I don't work at night without sounding like a whiney baby 

Today a guy that transferred from the US asked me if I'm the kind who does things first then beg for forgiveness? or the kind who just asks for permission first?

I was out of words for a short while 

Found myself saying "That's a good question".. such a consultant thing to say that

I guess I'm still struggling between working cultures

Doesn't make sense to people why it's a slight struggle for me to fit in 

I have been trying for a long time 

===

I don't like how I've become as a person 

I feel like I've been working backwards, though still not as bad as before

The workload with ICMS was insane. this can't compare... yet 
And I hope nothing else ever would be that insane

Somehow, at the back of my neck, I feel like this is going to bite my personal life 

sooner or later 

My mental health, my health and the relationships I have with people will be deteriorating 

I can already feel exhausted

I got off at 5pm today, which is very early 

But I ended up working when I reach home till 6.45pm

The plan is to shower and cook dinner after that.
But after having my meals

I decided I don't want to work anymore

I'm too tired for anything 

I'm awake 

but tired 

I guess it's okay to cry a little

This can't be good for me. 

At least it's Wednesday today

And I can spend thursday and friday in bristol 

This travelling is a little bit insane 

Kind of makes me wonder why I chose this in the first place

I need to stay sane. I need to know who I'm doing this for.

Because if I don't know why I'm doing this anymore 

10月8日~~

Worked from home today

Since most of the people from my team is in London and there is nothing to do in the office

I told my manager

and he was chill about it 

=== 

It has been a busy past couple of days 

Sometimes I feel very down and I think people feel that 

I get a casual "You alright?" once in a while out of nowhere

And that makes me do a double-take on "All good, and you?"

It makes me want to believe that they are actually concerned for me

===

Am I actually okay? 

These blog posts are keeping me sane 

I feel like the moment I stop writing one of these 

will be the moment I start ignoring all my problems and the moment I start normalizing them 

That can't be healthy

But sometimes I'm afraid that the moment I start saying them 

They become real 

Do you get what I mean?

===

Sometimes I feel like I want someone to talk to 

But at the same time, when people are there, I don't know what to say 

===

I may need help, but I don't think I do yet 

In due time, maybe 

===

Alone time helps

but do they really? 

===

Things are mighty confusing on my end 

I get flashbacks and weird stuck-in-between feelings 

I also know it's just a phase 

and I hope one day I can figure out what I'm feeling

Most days, probably like a lot of other people, I spend most of my time working on developing myself and my career 

It takes a lot of courage for me to take some time to do some self-reflection 

and these 2 years, I did that quite a lot of it 

=== 

I called rose yesterday

We had a nice 2-hour long talk 

I updated her on what she missed out for the past 2 years 

She just stared at me and smiled 

I asked, "Why are you smiling at me?"
in which she answered, "Nothing. The moment just felt 奥妙. You've changed. Not a bad thing, it's a good thing. But in a lot of ways, you're still the same. "

I guess everyone from the past is shocked by the changes I've gone through this past couple of years

My thought processes and concerns... 

===

You can say that I'm madly in love

and I am 

:) 

===

Have you ever loved someone to the extent where you fear that what you do now is not enough to express how much you love the person? 

=== 

My blog is all over the place today, and I apologise to that.
I can be a bit of a mess

 

when my thoughts run wild

 

===

I miss you darling 

and I don't like to be alone 

I'll talk when I am clearer on what the problem actually is 

I've watched this movie earlier this evening

Was not expecting it to be that good.