12月17日~~

I'm in malaysia going through home quarantine now (day 6), I honestly don't mind it. It's the whole reason why I came back anyway. :)

I'll keep a copy paste of my experience in a  

later entry. But that's too operational, feelings were not captured. But would be fun to look back?

---

It all started when my laptop keyboard got crazy, so I started tidying up the study room. 

I ended up throwing 6 bags of trash after just going though a few drawers and compartments. (Mostly things we don't need anymore, I.e. short crayons, torn up bags, notebooks with no empty page)

Mind you, I'm a super sentimental person, which translates to a big hoarder when it comes to things that reminds me of emotional ties. And the train runs in the family.

There are only few of sentimental items I've kept in the study room (i mostly hoard in my room). I found 2 articles I wrote back in high school that got published / won a small prize. 

Damns, 16 year old me was such a motivational speaker, super touchy feely, I would have rolled my eyes at her. How did people stand to be around me lol.

What happened to me?

Moving away from home, falling in and out of love, living with other people, living alone for a couple of months, anxiety, intense working and just reading. 

All of these factors seems to have made me a different person, to me at least. I know that there are similar elements between 9 years ago me and now. But on the inside, I know I'm different. 

---

There were exponential growth years, and years that didn't look too different. Some that's just steady. 

---

Oh! I also saw a diary entry from when I was 6 :) damn she cute and happy. Just a day at the beach with some spelling errors that I swore back then were correct to me. 

---

In this last 3 days, I found it very easy to throw things out when it doesn't have an emotional value to it. When i found things that once meant the world to me, I would pause and reflect. 

---

You see, its also easy to just throw things out as you continue to tidy things with sentimental value. You know which are more meaningful than which ones. But I'm sure if I do this again few years more, I'd have thrown more. Especially since I know I've done this before. 

The point that took me 2000 years to get to, is that, it seems like as I grow older, memories of the past gets fades and gets less vivid. 

What's important now, is probably not so in the future. 

That kinda makes me think, if there was something that I've thrown away before, that would've been super important to me now?

 What memories have I let faded, that was once important? So important that I thought I didn't need physical objects to serve as a reminder yet I actually needed?

It also makes me think what is the one thing I hold dear to me, that reminds me of my relationship with my loved ones? Would what I assume were my loved ones' sentimental objects be the same as what they'd think?

So I tested this with KY.. I asked him if he had to keep something that would remind him of his whole relationship with me, what would it be? Turns out it was that paint-it-yourself painting of us that we did. It was completely different than what I've expected. 

Which means that, you've probably already gave someone the best gift / memory but you just didn't know it. And you wouldn't until you ask them.

Life. Makes you think doesn't it?

Ps. Not thinking about work, changes me. 

12月2日~~

immediately after my late grandmother's 招魂礼
I went into a client meeting, greeted by cheery good morning's and how are you's

I don't know how I feel about this dystopian we lived in
but so far, I've avoided most how-are-you questions, unless they are directed at me 

===

I was severely emotionally impacted by the events that transpired this week
mainly with my grandmother's crossing

I was supposed to visit her this December, yet I missed her

On Monday morning, my freezer officially broke
KY was at first concerned that I might get annoyed too quickly, but surprisingly I handled things that are out of my control quite smoothly this time, I texted my landlord and that was it

I turned on my laptop, and scrolled on the unread messages of my phone while waiting for it to load
There was a facebook notification on my wall, of my grandmother's passing from a man's name I don't recognise
...
I haven't even got a chance to look at my family whatsapp chat yet

I first got confused, then I started crying. A couple of minutes later I texted my engagement director and senior manager. At first asking if I can take a day off, then just informing day of my absence

The worst thing that can happen to someone living abroad has happened
Someone passed away, and I can't return home to pay my last respect

I've debated a couple of times, to change my flight ticket once again and endure the quarantine in the hotel for 7 days + 3 hours of visit time at the funeral, hazmat-suited up with officers beside me

I ultimately decided against it, I would be an eye sore at the funeral
It would be too much for people to handle, I felt 

I thought about being there for my father 
Then I remembered that my presence barely brought him any comfort when my grandfather passed away

I thought about the family book, and how she'll never see it, a few weeks ago I was reminded that life is too short? And I should wrap up the design of the cover and back page .. now she could never see it .. 

I called Jessie for 1.5 hours, we cried, we talked, we laughed,
we bonded over how far we are away from home, and how helpless we felt, we talked about things we haven't talked about before (i.e. how I left for Malaysia without her when grandpa passed, how we haven't finished the book together) We were vulnerable, and we grew closer. 

We knew that already about each other, but just no one else to rely on

Here I was, stuck in the UK, with the "do nothing" option
grieving virtually whilst the rest of the family pray for her soul
with outlook in the background going "meeting in 15 minutes"

in the meetings, people were asking about holiday plans, plans for the programme etc

Here I am thinking "Why does this matter?" I don't buy it 

Yet I'll be leading a workstream that "designs for the future" 
What's the future for, if not for the people and their families - I thought to myself

===

I know I have to quit

===

It sounds dramatic, and it's probably all just in my head 
in my own context, I'm my own victim and my own hero
and that's ironic again, I'm sure I'm just another name, another "stakeholder" in someone else's life

===

Haha how did I make this all about myself again? 

===

I've been trying to catch-up on work, doing things before I leave, 
Trying to do my best to finish up before I leave next Thursday evening

I've put in calls after calls to align on the work I'm doing

I did a bad thing - skipping levels to get things done 

People confronted me on the call, in a nice way though, saying that in the future, please review it with them before I review with people outside the call?

The problem is - I didn't know we had a boundary, I thought the layers were invisible and I have the full accountability

As I write down these rules of how people should communicate - it's all SO hierarchical, why should my team members go through 2 layers of people just to send a text to the client to say "hey, are you free for a 10-minute call?" How do we do work efficiently and quickly if there is always this power move and information lag? 

(Acute readers can probably tell, I've been reading one too many books about "high-performing teams")

So I got schooled, I didn't turn on my camera while I did that

My face would have given me away, as I was shaking in tears, with words not coming out properly 
people assuming what I was trying to do, and putting words into my mouth before I could say them

It was frustrating, and I know that this will happen again and again throughout the programme

The only thing keeping me going, is I'll be putting in my 3-month notice in March, so the 6-month countdown begins

=== 

People kept talking about the christmas socials going on. 
I honestly do not care.

I'm using Omnicron variant as an excuse, but I honestly do not care.

People kept asking me if I am looking forward to going home, 
but I honestly have not thought that far ahead... there's still uncertainties on the home quarantine application that we sent in yesterday, the project work that I'm doing now, it also reminds me that I'm going home without paying my last respect to a beloved who will be going into her grave on Friday 

Yet here I am, answering silly questions like "oh - I'm good, been saving my holidays" "ah - I'll pick that up thanks!" 

Damn it that does not make sense

===

Compounding reasons/excuses for me to not attend any of these socials
I don't need to see another friendly colleague, I need to see my family ... 

===

How does one grief virtually?
How does one reflect on the short life when back to back calls that the scheduled has come back to haunt them?

Edit: Looking back to our posts.. no we have not run this week