10月14日~~

8.10am

As we are approaching hang's first birthday

The harder it is to be in denial that he is growing up and into the toddler phase. 

Technically our families have been talking about his first birthday since he hit 7 months (四舍五入situation) so I always felt "forced" to confront the reality

Today when he was being carried into his school another little boy who looks so much like hang was running behind him. 

And I cried in the parking lot .. saying "I dont want him to grow up."

I always laughed while saying it like a coping mechanism. 

I always say "But he is not yet 1 years old" when people started giving me advice that I knew is not for a baby but more for a kid or an older toddler. 

But today. Today I am forced to look into the face of time.. asking for more whilst knowing that I can't. 

Almost one year in, but I still debate in the parking lot whether I should quit my job just to be with him full time to get more time with him, whether i have done motherhood right.. 

Evolutionary biology has made me cry in the parking lot i am sure .. separating a mother from a baby in the animal world will make the mother fight like mad. Yet what kind of mother am I that walks away from baby every morning? But in this logical, practical world where capitalism runs the world. I need to and I have to. 

One day I will be able to look back at all these and laugh at how I catastrophise things, or maybe even blame it on PMS or some hormonal things. 

But not today, today I grieve.

9月16日

4.53pm 

My notice period got extended to 31st Dec. 

It is indeed what I offered but I honestly was mentally prepared for an early release. 

The reaction I got from my colleagues were immediately "hey here's the work you're 'supposed' to do"

I was asked if I regretted offering an extension. 

I said "a little, but I know it was the right thing". Now i am mentally calculating down the days that I have clear to get out. 

Sad isnt it? The state of the company i am in. 

And it is just a "waste" because I really did believe in it. What i was doing and what can be done. 

Yet today i'm merely a "police" and a "secretary"

9月11日

4.27pm

Motherhood made me simultaneously more conservative and bold. 

9月9日~~

8.54am

I resigned yesterday. On email at 4pm, and later in a letter at 9pm

Strange because at this moment I'm thinking what would come first? Finishing this new book i started (the Dream Hotel) or getting my last date finalised?

Work didnt stop immediately. 

I continued to work on decks and take only to have resigned somewhere in between emails. 

Strange how I was only offered to hire a junior last friday, today I was promoted in status for teams channel from the departure of yet another colleague... and yesterday I resigned. 

No one knows and I savour the secret that only I and a handful of other holds. 

But when the time comes, would I let the rumour spread? Or would i take the opportunity to clear my name if it is dragged through the mud? 

9月7日~~

10.14pm

Taking risks as a working mom is scary as heck. 

Taking 2 steps back because I know it will only propel me further to where I can be. 

Call me stubborn 

call me mad. 

I will be resigning tomorrow from a job that brings in good money, good hours and a boss thay trusts me. but it bores me and what used to be exposure I now treat as mundane administration. 

And then the clock starts for a new beginning. 

Scary but alive. 

Is it the right time? It has to be. 

9月6日~~

3.23am 

Had to excuse myself

Got a bad cough for the past 2 weeks. Strangely long. 

Anyway 

My baby boy doesnt know how to speak, but he knows how to communicate to figure out if i am still there. 

each time I leave the room, he will say "uh" every 3 seconds to see if I respond. If I no longer do, it means I am no longer near him. 

So to every "uh" I would say something like "hmm?" "Hang?" and "mama"

Everytime I come back he would stand facing towards the direction i left. And it doesnt matter where I was he figures out which was the last time he sees me and pulls himself up to wait for me to come back. 

Gosh the little things.  

8月17日~~

8.23am 

This morning as we drop hang off at school. He kept turning away from the thermometer and the teacher, burrowing his face into my shoulders.. 

And when the teacher carried him in, he cried so hard. And kept looking back at me, as if he was pleading me to please take him back. I smiled as my heart dropped... 

I tried to fight back my tears. Gosh, this lifetime of tears is waiting for me isnt it? 

I was warned by huckleberry that there are some grand milestones that comes with hitting 9 mths.

I'm constantly fascinated by him, his focus and curiousity as he plays with his toys. He just sort of picks it up, hit it against each other, puts it down and picks it up again.. His tenacity when he keeps falling down but still tries to stand up with one hand on the railing, and the other one holding his burpcloth. 

As he starts to know more about the world, I guess he also discovers it is a world of temporary goodbyes. That hurts us both.  

7月31日~~

10.34pm

My body clock cant cope with post 8pm work after having a child. 

Ive been on a 5.40am routine. Meaning i get tired very easily after putting my baby boy to sleep

I wonder if I will ever find a job that is as easy as this where I only ever occasionally need to work after hours.

7月21日~~

5.14pm

很少被老板骂

有时候听起来有道理

可是又好像不是很公平

How should I know what i didnt know?

还没领悟到的东西只能通过别人的feedback或犯错后学习呀

不顶嘴，只能默默对总裁说对不起，反复咀嚼自己的过错，试问自己下次怎么能改进，最后吞下委屈

7月4日~~

8.50am

To be loved is to be seen

Thats what I felt after buying presents this year

Its not how long it takes for me to make it 

Because honestly buying some of these takes barely 20 minutes. 

People buy feelings .. not features..  

An idea sparked in me. I shared with KY my thoughts. Could this be my side gig?

7月2日~~

5.04pm

About to say no to an opportunity I have been waiting on. 

The expectation on work life integration written in black and white has proven too much for me. 

But perhaps I've always known that it was too much for me. That this "lifestyle" no longer fits what I want. Just because I could survive it doesnt mean I want it.

Knowing im not the right fit for the culture. Is shocking to me. 

But also grieving for the woman ive lost and being surprised at the women ive become is so different. 

6月24日~~

4.55pm

Working on a grab while the weather gets dark outside 

Chill music plays on the grab. 

Im suddenly transported back to when I was still a young consultant.

Travelling between work and hotel. Non stop working. Trying to enjoy and be present for the little things when I could. 

6月9日

8.38am

The thing that annoys me the most is writing minutes. I either do it right or don't do it. 

And I cant not do the right thing

But at the same time it is so painful and takes so long to synthesise. (At times it feels as long as the meeting!)

And each time I do it i start looking at ways to leave the company lol. 

Thankful for chatgpt that consoles me

5月24日~~

8.19pm

Some days are particularly hard for no reason

This is one of them

I should start tattooing across my arm to bite my lip

Because I will build up resentment regardless anyway

Might as well be only one person that suffers

And I have a lot and I feel it too. 

I feel like a little ticking time bomb in me that is accelerated through the lack of sleep 

I am exhausted mentally physically 

I feel so alone

On a different note yee yan sang whisky stinks 

5月23日~~

My baby boy's first word is "mama"

 :)

5月19日~~

8.45am

The juxtaposition of a working mom working on a taxi

Because one moment I'm figuring out the financial statements, compound interest rates, bond rates 

Another moment immediately im googling inflatable bath seats

Will my mind ever shut down? 

5月11日~~

The only person that gets me out of work mode is my baby. 

Unless there is something severe that needs my attention. I just put it off and wait for the complaint that never really comes. Which means, i am doing fine with the hours I have. 

Which also means, ive been overworked before this. 

Its 5.45pm i left work at 4.50pm. 

I am 25 minutes away from reuniting with my husband and son. I replay videos of my son and smile like an idiot on the train.  

As the days goes by, I think to myself. Its not as bad as it is. Maybe I can survive this rather inflexible-on-paper work setup. 

Because I have still been able to make it for drop off and pick ups. 

4月18日~~

3.18am

So much emotions and love

I have the honour of putting our son to bed during his midnight feed. 

I would pat his belly, I watch as he turns around, hands to face until he is tired and his fingers lightly touched his soft toy doggy ..before moving to my hand

His eyes look at me tentatively before closing it slowly.  

Oh the joy and the honour of comforting a loved one to sleep

4月5日~~

It was raining outside

There is some rainy day-themed songs playing

I sang along and danced with the little baby boy 

I felt his yawn as he dozed off onto my shoulders

His fuzzy little head on my cheek as I kissed him goodnight

I felt like I was the richest, luckiest, happiest person in the whole wide world. 

All it took was a little baby boy who loves me so unconditionally before he could say the word love. 

I have some thinking to do on what my next move would be. 

3月23日~~

How to manage a coughing baby with phlegm

Step 1 - feed milk as usual

Step 2 - burp as usual

Step 3 - notice baby starts coughing, pat back anyway

Step 4 - notice baby is in a coughing fit (sounds like phlegm), starts crying and turns red.

Step 5 - move away from couch and to easy to clean floors

Step 6 - pat baby while he vomits milk and phlegm, whilst continuously soothing them 

Step 7 - wipe clean baby, self  and floor. Change where necessary

Step 8 - get baby to sleep (they are tired after the episode)

Step 9 - make coffee and think "the f just happen?", shudder at how scary it was

--

How to cool down a baby with fever

Step 1 - wake up in the middle of the night from a screaming baby

Step 2 - feel how hot they are as you try to rock then to sleep

Step 3 - put them back in the cot and get a thermometer

Step 4 - measure 3 times hoping to see a result other than 40 degree celsius

Step 5 - pee and drink water fast (its going to get real soon)

Step 6 - prepare room temperature bath water

Step 7 - strip down screaming baby and keep sponging them

Step 8 - take off shirt and keep hugging them (skin to skin) every now and then so they know it is safe. 

Step 9 - prepare wet Handkerchief for forehead dunking and flipping every 5 mins because its hot like teppanyaki

Step 10 - measure temperature again an hour after sponge bath 

Step 11 - change shifts with partner and think "the f just happen" and be scared at what just happened 

In both cases go to the paediatrician as soon as its open to get medication

1月5日~~

Being a mother means that I will need to be more deliberate with how I use my time. 

There's still 24 hours in a day, I still need a definite number of hours of rest,

I have new postnatal responsibilities to my baby and for my recovery (some temporary, some permanent) therefore my pre-natal responsibilities and time needs to be re-examined 

I do wonder what will "give" at the end of the day and how I will make room for new personal goals without compromising my responsibilities to my family. 

I noticed that I also can't operate round the clock, which impacts the attention I can give to my child. 

I also wonder how this would work if I have a 2nd child. And what else will I "give"? And how much of "me" will remain and if it is the right parts?

---

As I enter the 3rd month of motherhood, I start to get into the routine of chores and babycare. 

I've requested for my husband to be gentle with me when introducing new things which creates worry and anxiety that sends me over the roof (Postpartum hormones are insane). Since the daily changes have reduced to weekly, I have been able to cope better.  

This month's theme is weaning off breastfeeding. 

What was once stressful for me, and what made me wonder if I could do this for long, is something i now hold dear to my heart. 

It's the only time I can hold my baby for an hour long each session judgement-free. I know I'm not supposed to let those comments of "dont hold your baby" get in my head, but it does. It's also against my maternal instinct. 

I note that sometimes people pass comments for the sake of talking unintentionally hurting me. And it's been really hard for me to hold back my "oh really?"s so it sometimes pop out and my husband has to hold me back hahahaha. 

---

The other theme for this month is postnatal recovery as my gynae gave me the go-ahead to start exercises and treatments 

Honestly how can people work with a bengkung on? 

It slows me down in the fleeting nap window. 

---

It's been a journey, and my baby has started to outgrow some of his clothes. Looking back, he grows up SO FAST. I'm holding a different baby everyday. Everyday is a mini update, and sometimes we have to unlearn what we've learnt to suit his needs. 

The joy of parenthood is indescribable and full of bittersweet moments :)