12月12日~~

2.55am
Silent footsteps from the flatmates who are still awake
that's probably chris

I decided to turn my citrix UCL off
(it's going to disconnect at 3am anyway)

and start blogging

first of all
my sincere apologies for not being able to keep up for a while

I didn't even know I had readers until my last blog post on my relationship status hit 60 not too long ago

wow. hi friends (?)
thanks for sparing some time for me :)

====

I keep a journal
like a legit book for me to write in

when I was wayy younger
dad made sure we all kept one

I stopped for a while
after I started primary school
and begun writing again back then in 2012 if not a little earlier

It's sort of a little space for myself to clear my head before I sleep
I write down the thoughts that kept me awake
telling myself little secrets that I want to keep
it's like keeping a small part of my past self that I save in the little book of mine
so I don't forget

I haven't been writing for a very long time
haven't even been blogging

I can easily attribute it to multiple factors
the obvious ones being academics

but the thing is

I can't seem to express myself in words anymore

For every blissful moment I spend with you
I feel like smiling :)

In all the simple things you do or we do
It feels like I'm in my safe haven

So I started drawing and doodling instead

====

The world is a scary place to be in, filled with uncertainties and oblivious goals
where we all seem so certain and lost at the same time

You are a dreamer and I'm in love with your dreams.

One night, I asked you "what are your plans?"
You straightened up
and ... there I have it... I can see it
it's like you put this weird dreamy goggles on me
and I saw your world through VR

like a faint delicate fabric
I see it dancing before my eyes.. waltzing into the night sky (dark ceiling) above me
with warm colours as it comes to life
I hear the warm ambient music that reminds me of SMR waves from when you key in "music for relaxation" to the YouTube search bar
I felt warmth

and that, is how hopes and dreams felt like

I open my eyes
and you were there.

:)
real as it can be

====

I remember how it was like
waking up to a snow day with you
it was such a surprise, since it's 1 month from when I got together with you

the moment was so magical
I felt a little something inside me
I can't stop smiling
but at the same time, I felt like tearing up

I remember how it felt like
when you told me that little news that almost teared me up in class
your kind and small gesture
warms the heart
in ways you can never imagine
my insecurities thawed like snow in the sun

stop making me feel so confused :')

====

1 more week to holidays! damn ...
time is so relative in this context, it's moving so fast yet it felt like an eternity
in a good way
because it means
I'm living in every moment I can possibly hold on to



"Sometimes when I find similarities between us, I think to myself, maybe this time ... it's the right one"

I smiled
and felt just the same :)

12月4日~~

https://www.facebook.com/cuoai.520/videos/1164647250339587/?hc_ref=ARQFJAyV-5sSo_jR1YTXLMPt72wwZWxQcJ9ySc8wa7x-PnYu-2xG--mhL5qobUW6RXE&pnref=story

KY share 给我这个视频的时候
刚好jesslyn在我房间里

我只好强忍着不哭

这视频
我看了整整5遍
也哭了4遍

2.12 开始。。。
就有似曾相识的感觉
3.00。。。
我开始哭了

开始想家了
开始想爸爸了

很多时候
爸爸的一个拥抱，甚至一声寒暄

让我刹那间变回那六岁的小女孩
世界变得好大好大，我变得好小好小
重新学会依赖……一个永远不会离开我的亲人

我长大后
希望也能像爸爸一样能那么用力的去爱一个人
一个完全不需要回报的爱
是那么的奋不顾身
简单化这个世界，直到快乐的方程式就只剩下你的开心就好比我的开心

=====

病了一个礼拜……


谢谢你  :)
一切尽在不言中
只好傻傻看着你微笑
PS 快一个月了 :)

Thanks for everything so far :)


PPS. Best date ever :p

本想学会爱上你的世界
却发现，原来我们早已爱上同样的世界

突然，幸福变得好暖心
突然，我的过去都明了

No relationships were a mistake
And I thank every encounter that led me to you :)
for without the lessons I've learnt, I would not have appreciate you as much as I do now.

Thank you.

11月13日~~

哈喽，我寥寥无几的世界 :)

Life is moving relatively fast when you're in love 

yes friends
I'm no longer single :)

I've finally let down my guard and face my feelings 

thanks dear :) 

-- WARNING:Potential Lovey Dovey Story Ahead -- 

"Everything has changed" - Taylor Swift 

So KY and I went out as promised
(we made the deal that if he finish his code for his FYP we'll be going out) 

The day was quite normal 

we stopped by some random exhibition in Shoreditch about babies passing away and got ourselves 勿忘我 seeds
we went to the "Notes to Strangers" exhibition

that I have been dying to go since I knew about it 

and went to assa for lunch 

then we went home and played some music with my guitar

this seemingly typical day 

was the day the fear of losing him led me to another chapter in my life

You see, before he left 

everything was so obvious

that there are two choices right now 

'to leave' or 'to stay'

else it's gonna kill either one or the both of us 

an emotionally straining and toxic relationship that leads to nowhere

he told me that one part of him wants to go on with this blurred - line relationship 

and another part of him is telling him that I need to end this 

mind you 

he never asked me to be his girlfriend 

he just wanted me to know that he liked me

at that particular moment
the thought of me potentially leading him on 

the thought of leaving him hanging indefinitely

the thought of how unbelievably reluctant I am for a future in LDR
the thought of how everything may or may not change 

the thought of how everything tend to replay itself
the thought of how I may be just in love with the idea of love and not the person 

the thought of how I may be just the rebound girl for him
the thought of how afraid I am
flooded me .. but overpowered by one thought

the thought of losing him 

I panicked
much more than I figured I would 

he held my hand 

and I didn't know how to respond 

brain died 

or selectively died 

I don't know ... 

he leaned in for a kiss 

and I panicked even more 

that I turned away 

damn 

I've never done this in my life .. turning away from a kiss

*facepalm 

I asked him not to make things so complicated than it already is 

Instead, I told him I needed a hug
This hug relived the moments of post "Deja vu"

one that lasted longer that just a friendly hug 

one that reminded me 

how I felt when I sent him a drunk text with 6 words 

I felt safe ... and comfortable in his arms

how could something that is rationally incorrect feel so right ? 

but I do know .. 

it would only be reflex to stop all of these in a heartbeat 

to look at him with o.O eyes if he ever tried to get close 

to pull away when he held my hands or tried to .. in the morning when we were in the first exhibition

to slap him even hahahhaa 

it all seemed clear yet still confusing 

when I pulled away 

... we kissed 

a kiss that lasted longer than expected again and forced me to make a decision 

damn things are so dramatic right now that I can't even 

All the thoughts and concerns 

buzzed through my head like crazy 

"what if"s were the worst

"You look worried" he said as he held my face 

I said somewhere along the lines of
this will all end .. he will graduate a year earlier and we will face LDR

I'm scared ... I'm very scared of the uncertainties and the pain that comes with it ..

I won't survive it .. I can't go through it again 

what should I do ?
(or at least I think I said it, because I can't remember, but these were the thoughts that haunted me since it all started) 

He said, you can kill it now 

or continue be in this relationship where I take whatever he gives
or ....
we can officiate this relationship and have at least one year together 

I gave in and I caved in ..
My emotions governed my body and all rational thoughts were disregarded

... 

I said yes :) 

... 

just like that ...we're no longer a "2.5" to each other's no. of relationships

we became an integer .. a solid .. 3rd relationship 

hahaha what a nerdy thing to say innit? 

... 

Everything has changed since then ..
for better or for worst I'm not sure
but I do know that I haven't felt this happy in a very long time :)
the kind of happy that made the heart 暖暖的

it has been 4 days since the relationship
yet it felt like I've been in this since a long time ago
there is something safe, mature and comfortable about this
how distinct yet similar we were
it all contributes to my exponentially growing love and fondness for him

yes.. I said "love"
a strong word that I'm willing to use :)

damn .. that was some strong willpower I had back then when I was against all deluded thoughts
and damn .. it feels so good to be free from yourself :)

=====

Thank you ... for all that you've done for me :)

funny isn't it?
I never would have thought we would end up together the first time I met you in a pre-drinking session when I was seeing someone else and you were in love with someone else ...
yet here we are :)



thanks for listening and for not feeling disgusted despite the dark(er) stories and thoughts  that I never told anyone about :) 
thanks for being honest with me ... you became so 3D when you showed me how vulnerable you were and how amazing you are :) 
thanks for stopping me from making a decision I might regret :)
thanks for reminding me how it was like to fall in love again 
thanks for making me feel like you're the safest place in this world right now
PS: I love you

11月3日~~

What a .. design project week
to be fair it wasn't THAT bad
had less stress than before

or maybe i'm just used to it
I'm not sure...
Don't really feel sleep deprived

but definitely alcohol intake increased again
caffeine intake decreased by LOTS compared to last year
human contact / catch up increased infinitely compared to ANY of my years hahahha
sleeping more for sure

I certainly feel like a different person...
from my 1st and 2nd year

but that 1st / 2nd year me is still within me .. emerging at times
I wouldn't have noticed until the strangers told me so
"You sound like a lawyer" "Are you sure you're an engineer?"
"She is really good in designing"

Good things :)
what a personal brand also hahaha

=====

JUST started to formally research on internships
hahaha
I'm a bit slow :3
a bit scared

Scanned through my past experiences before deciding which field to apply to
banking and finance is currently out of the picture
hmmm

time to focus!

=====

Have you ever felt like you're doing something that is against every nerve in your body?
不管怎么想都不对, yet you still kept doing it?

I think I'm at that stage
the 犯贱 stage

no better way to describe this bah :)

Every time I think about it
it just never made sense (still doesn't)
it's going no where
yet I'm still on board
I should get off while I can
before damage is done

yet we are still on it
both of us

this is toxic
I swear

and even though it seems like a 原地踏步
something is "building"
and for every moment that I can't make up my mind, is every moment given for the "thing" to be built

I can feel it
what the "thing" is, I'm not sure yet

I don't even know how it all started
I'm trying to recall how and when we got close
but I can't recall the specific moment

once again
I question myself, as of every other moment when my mind tends to wander around the beauty of imagination and sea of thoughts,

Would I still do it despite knowing that this will all still end?
Would the heart be spared, when it is prepared for the worst?
Would the heart give it its all despite that?

It's still a matter of principle

but all my doings are almost against it right now

what do you call this state between us?
"neither here nor there"
and I'm taking my own sweet time
enjoying it all like some evil creep

The more I hangout and talk to him
the less I feel that I'm reliving a memory
and it feels more and more like a new chapter in the book

I'm not in love 

but I defo care :)


#ezgame

confused

10月23日~~

Summing up a crazy week

Skipped classes for a week

I have been designing a booklet for 15 hours in total 

and told a lot of people that they owe me meals 

contributing to my skipping of classes on Thursday and Friday 

on Friday when I finished

I started designing Ge's bday gift :) 

turning her into a greek goddess - aphrodite in 2 hours 

outcome was decent given the short time span :D 

we threw her "not-so-surprise" surprise party :D 

it was nice meeting people they hx and ge keep mentioning :) 

Saturday was my research project day while ge is out with her friends 

we celebrated her birthday as a flat at night for desert and dinner (in that order, cuz we're rebels :3 ) 

soon after, I received a message in the group chat from rj

basically an invitation to Richmond park to check out the meteor shower

yx and I left the station at 11.30 - only reaching so damn late .. around 1 stg? 

t'was a good catchup session though 

listened to lost stars while waiting in the chilly weather with no stars 

rj faked a shooting star for me by throwing his phone, pretty funny actually hahahah 

we left around 3 sth I think? 

I reached home around 4.30 ish 

only to sleep at 5am 

Sunday was insane

I woke up around 12pm 

did my iteration and settled what I needed to do for research project

went for the ICMS recruitment drive at UCL 

met a junior that I've not seen for at least 3 years, promised her that I will catch up with her :) 

was supposed to stay for half an hour, but I think we ended up staying for more than an hour 

typical of us 

was supposed to go to this nice place in nottinghill gate 

but yx last minute called it off

was disappointed but rj took me there instead to find that place 

it was like an adventure that failed hahahha cuz we didn't manage to find the house in the picture

after buying wine, we went str8 to jay's flat

O.O 

it was impressive, no jokes 

but I agree with HX that it was one of the chillest nights that we've had in a while :) 

a night of good food, good company, good music and good alcohol :) 

cloudberry 

I still have no idea what this is 

it's so sweet I think the alcohol tasted like prunes

once again, it's so good to be with the piano again :) 

Monday

Can't believe I woke up at 7 just for a meeting with Qliqa and FutureLabs 

when I have not been waking up early for close to a week 

impressive yt, impressive 

then went out for a run with KY 

which became lunch and british library 

what a week indeed :) 

while life was catching up onto me 

I was catching up with people 

:) 

people asking me questions I haven't thought about 

things I haven't thought of in a while 

questions that tells me more about them instead 

PS: decided to start drinking cucumber water 

let's see when I give up :P 

PPS: le petit prince and his rose still has one of the purest relationship I've ever seen

10月28日~~

What a relatively chilled saturday :)
I was alone in the room
but not really alone :)

Guess what?
I finally finished my part for the appraise :D
time to combat the next part of the design project !! WOOO
(after I help the rest of the team of course)
(and after I finish doing the things I haven't done of course :p )

Since I slept at 3 sth yesterday
woke up quite late today
talked to parents for an hour plus
FINALLY went on a "virtual movie date" with rynn
hahahaha yes he called it a date without my consent :(
WHY hahahhaha ..
but since he is a 闺蜜 .. FINE .. I give him his way

we watched "Clueless"
apparently it's supposed to be a parody of Emma by Jane Austen
I must say, it brings back a lot of Kumon memories hahahha
A nice movie indeed :)

and this was also the day I realize the romantic novels I read
mostly have very low ratings in rotten tomatoes (BOOOO YOU HATERS OUT THERE )

and after not talking to a friend for 3 days (I swear it's because I'm busy)
caught up with him as well

=====

there are just sometimes too much negative energy in this world
without an outlet too that
it's gonna consume them :(

I feels so helpless
when people just tells you that they are "giving up"
that they can't trust anymore
or they have a lot of dark thoughts but can't tell you about it

makes me feel like running up to them
and giving them the BIGGEST FATTEST hug you'll ever see
and say
我在这里

=====

please don't give up :(

please tell me what's going on
you didn't even give me any context when you said
you needed to talk ASAP
and you don't say anything substantial
you just keep saying you are imploding and it's affecting your studies
but you don't tell me what's going on

is that what happens when you don't check up on your friends?
you lost track of what's going on and they just .. do that?
cuz it's just .. so painful to see another in pain :(

please know that i'm here :( although you don't even know I blog lol

legitimately concerned

=====

Everyone needs an outlet :)
Everyone needs a place they can call it their "safe haven"

Dear cruel world, stop plaguing my friends with thoughts that consumes them :(

=====

anyway
today I looked outside the window
and I saw a kid running towards a tree, picked up a leaf and he just started laughing
I smiled at the sight :)

to him, 快乐就这么简单

=====

Also saw this post yesterday

Explaining love to a child:  

Do you remember when you got lost at the grocery store? That was scary right? But then do you remember the feeling you got when you finally found your mom? How safe and happy and relieved you were? And how you ran up to her and grabber her leg, and then you looked up and it wasnt your mom..

hmmmm :)
thought provoking indeed

=====

and to everyone out there,
no matter how long we've been out of touch
no matter how alone you feel

I'll always be here
ready to lend an ear, or a hand if you trust me :)

and if all fails
take 3 deep breaths :)

Love,
YT


:)

10月19日~~

Life caught up with me
累到心累

I knew I needed a break then

I told chris that I won't be attending classes tomorrow
and am grateful he didn't ask much after I told him that
:)
thank you for giving me space :)

This is the first time in a long time
since I've looked at the 40+ notifications on whatsapp (that appeared between 12am - 2am)
and only decided to read a few important chats :)
said no to meetings and hangouts and skype just because .. I'm tired.. and need a break from human contact

=====

It's 3.48am right now
and I can't sleep
but also can't do work right now

I just... can't .. bring myself to care about other people at this hour...
I'm sorry if I sound selfish
but I need some time alone with my thoughts

the 2 coffee shots from the afternoon and the evening have caught up with me
but I was too tired when I got home to do anything with the adrenaline rush

but right now
it's just an excuse I guess
I'm sufficiently awake to do work
but I decided to give myself a break
a detachment from life itself for a while

=====

What's great right now
is being alone with some good alcohol and a piano. :)

=====

Flashback to first year, when I felt so lost, so alone, so disappointed in myself
that I went into kings cross station deliberately, in hopes that the public piano is available...
and it was

I went on for an hour
non-stop remix of songs that I have been dying to play

one of the greatest gift that life has given me
is the ability to play by ear
as long as I know the song enough to sing it, I can play it :')

I want to do it again, but the piano was never available :(

I have been going into kings cross station quite frequently this term
regardless of the distance, and the time (yes, even if it's one in the morning)
and each time the piano is either locked, or someone is playing it

I realize the only time the piano is free, is at peak hours, i.e.  when people are using the piano as a place to put their luggage, drinks and they just sit there
or wait around

saying which
just a few days ago, I saw a guy holding up a sign "welcome back, birthday girl :)"
I looked back, and I saw a girl walking towards him
what I saw in their eyes
was something I've lost for a while
1 year, 2 months and a few days to be exact :)

also,
when I was at Bao's bday
I saw a piano, and went for it :)
one of the best hour in my life so far

=====

I want to catch a breather
but there is just too much going on in me
that I need an outlet

music can be my outlet

I guess maybe that's why I've been playing the guitar so often lately
...
either that, or I'm just procrastinating

=====

yes. I'm drinking whiskey to help with my sleep right now

from the whiskey tour in edinburgh
I've learnt that it takes 5 minutes for the alcohol to hit you
regardless of how much you've taken

I feel like my grandma right now
she takes pure shots of whiskey from the bottle at precisely 9/10pm each night
just to get a good night's sleep

I'm defo not as strong
but you get my point

=====

ps. in desperate need to have tea with Andrea again (I owe her a birthday meal anyway :) ) . Our last tea lasted for 5 hours, and it was great catch-up :) A friend that can keep my secrets and open up to me as well. Rare.

pps. was nice catching up with a friend after 3 years of asking me if i'm available for dinner alone. Thanks for the book and the kind note :)

ppps. was nice being with a person that soaks in and cherishes every moment when you're with them :) thank you for your time. for your 1 hour and 20 mins spent each time you travel to and from my house :) 满满感激. Thanks for being so nice to me :)

=====


I don't want this to happen repetitively again










I need these again
It has indeed been a while.
A long while.

=====

5.14am
yet i'm still awake
a little more than 3 shots yet i'm still awake
good job yt

coffee was a bad call

10月18日~~

最近又开始迟睡了
现在已经3.30am了

曾几何时
时间只是个reference point

曾几何时
又开始喝酒了

曾几何时
又开始爱上音乐了

曾几何时
又开始爱上跑步了

总告诉自己
做完这个再睡
喝完这杯再停
弹完这首再收
听完这首再休息

在夜深人静的时候
听听自己的声音

=====

最近和很多人聊天
才发现自己其实很迷糊，很懵懂

为了要让未来有更多的可能性，
所以未来拥有更多的未知数而更模糊

this is an optimization problem with multiple variables

neither here nor there
工程业？金融业？
都没试过，怎么能那么肯定自己不会喜欢呢？

=====

偶尔当心很烦，我总是爱穿过捷运站，看着世界变幻
 -- 《时光小偷》孙燕姿


天上的风筝哪儿去了，一眨眼不见了，谁把它的线剪断了，你知不知道？
我不要将你多绑住一秒，我也知道天空多美妙，请你替我瞧一瞧
 -- 《风筝》孙燕姿

总觉得孙燕姿的歌，
好像一篇一篇的散文

====

昨天有人写了好长一段文字给我
刚好在designing (never really retired from it anyway, why am I surprised that I'm still doing it? )
所以没什么去想

it's a battle between your beliefs and your vulnerability
it's easy to fall for someone who cares

but in this tug-of-war, there will only be one winner

when I said "it's so easy to just give up in what you believe, you know? Disregard sustainability and fling around"
a very close friend of mine said "yes you can fall in love again, but can you be as 潇洒 when it all ends and you are left with a heartbreak"

what he said, struck on me
how I've wasted 4 years of my life on one guy
and how I don't want to waste time and emotions anymore

however, this is still a battle of emotions

=====

那天和hy & yx 去river thames
看london eye聊心
似成相似的感觉
窝心

times like these makes you believe in humanity in it
how raw feelings can be
how alone other people may feel as well
how you portray in other people's eyes

thank you for trusting me with your feelings :)

=====

10月9日~~

Bite size update: 

2/9 - Dinner with HX, Ge, RJ and KY
3/9 - Training with KY and HX ; Bao's bday (aka Aiesec plus me :3 - meet new friends)
4/9 - Tea with Soph, RJ and YX, Chris' bday
5/9 - Jon stopped by our house to catch up
6/9 - Chris's Surprise Bday Party with Chem Eng
7/9 - Ikea with Kian, JJ, and Jia Yi (new friend!) ; Dream Girls musical with JJ
8/9 - Uniqlo 10k with KY, HX, Faiz, Ronald, met Valerie and Su Mei ; 1st time make police report; Dinner with Jing, Gary, YX and Guang
9/9 - Meeting with Shaz on TIM

====

on 6/9
we received a postcard that was posted to the wrong place
on any other day for mail delivered wrongly I would have disregarded it and put it there to rot

but I do have a soft spot for postcards as opposed to the regular subscription magazines

googling the place, I realize it's only a 5-min walk from my place
so I put down my bag and went over

apparently I need a key to enter the building and post the letter
I googled online later on and realize all I need to do is to write something on the postcard
so they can get it redelivered

but then again
I do have a soft spot for postcards
and I don't want the owner to know that I've read it already .. or write something on top of the postcard
so I made the insane decision to walk over to the post office 15 mins away waited for 10 minutes
before getting it passed to the staff who just smiled at me

something must be wrong with me ...
but I know some time in the future
receiving the postcard will bring a smile to someone else's life :)

====

Speaking of postcards
I've received a few postcards since I reach the UK O.O
I'm genuinely surprised :')

1. Italy - Kian
2. Lisbon, Portugal - Soph
3. Brighton - myself :3
4. Santorini, Greece - Ge
5. Berlin, Germany - YX
6. Geneva, Switzerland - Jamie

Thank you for remembering me friends :')

====

I have a bad habit of procrastinating and I can't seem to stop
send help

====

built a shoe rack from ikea with the girls

I recently read from an article that being independent as so will lead to the idea that you don't need a relationship in your life
and from that article HX and I learnt that we are on level 6 our of 10 levels of that idea^
but 我不要~~~~
:(

will I be alone for a long time?
cuz .. 我不要 ~~

====

uniqlo run
I can't believe it ...
10.2km in 57 mins 59 seconds

....
how did that even happen? O.O
I knew i was significantly slower by the 2nd lap
and I didn't have much patience as before
the route was repetitive, a bit boring tbh
and very unlike the london run I did with vitality last time with yi lian

thanks ky for constantly looking back and waiting for me at the finish line to 冲线 together
even though I kept saying
"don't wait"

:')
here's a tear of being touched

can't believe I met su mei jiejie in the middle of the race omg
she lives nearby
and works at JP Morgan for more than 5 years now
she was the one that was super patient, sat down with me at a coffee shop for more than 2 hours to teach me everything I need to know about the operations in banking
even though I didn't get a spring insight programme with JPM in my 1st year
but I'm still very super thankful :')

she waited at the finishing line
to take a video of me 冲线
super duper sweet
but when I reviewed the video
i'm like "damn .. stop smiling like an idiot girl "

the timing is a PB for sure :')
something I didn't know I can achieve

normally I would be pondering about life as I run
leaving my whole physical state in autopilot mode

it's the best feeling in life

to have time to be alone, to have time to think without being bothered
... but dk why this time my brain is pretty empty ...

Have I actually moved on O.O
oh man .. it's about TIME gurllll

====

on 6/9 also Victor asked me to go to class 10 mins earlier
so he can get his kendrick lamar tix
 and he got it
so hepi for him!

====

heard some good news from jess lyn today
words cannot explain how HAPPY I am for her !!

also read an article about rachel today
I'm super proud of the bbg!!!

====

mom called and told me to
1. eat proper meals
2. don't join any societies and just focus on academics

I lied to both

====

to someone who has been reading and waiting for me to say something
thank you so much for being so sweet
yes this is the 7th time (or maybe even more) that I've said this

I appreciate all that you've done for me
you defo made me question a few things..
life choices and what not

but until then I would say that you're a wonderful and kind being
please don't ever forget that

\
共勉之



**flashbacks


to someone who talked about me behind my back

10月4日~~

Met up with yx, rj and soph today
it has been a while since we've come together again for "London Adventures"

Went to Elan Cafe
quite a nice place actually :)
the interior designs are pastel and floral

I only got the chance to properly talk to soph (ever since our trip before exams) when we head back to Euston

in which afterwards, I continued following and catching up with her until she reached SOAS

...

She took a part-time course in film making and performing arts
while pursuing her degree in law

....

I always say,
there is no turning back
I chose this
I wanted this at some point in my life
I made sure I was on track

in some sense I was very asian
I chose the "safe" pathway
the one that "ensures" a steady income


a lot of my career choices had nothing to do with science
a lot of management related degree
and a lot of disapproving looks and comments from family and friends

until i settled on medicine
and later on .. engineering

a course / career pathway that I have never EVER considered in my life

...

I remember how it felt like when dad looked at me after I submitted my personal statement
and said

"You seem to like art and craft a lot.. why don't you choose something to do with art and designing? I would support you for sure."

Mom and I were both in shock

It was a moment in life, when I realize I had a choice  

People always say if you take up art stream there is literally no turning back to science-related subject
but the truth is,
even if you take up science stream
people's expectations on you will have the same effect on you.
no turning back.

regrets meant nothing.

now.. as I'm in my 3rd year
I'm even more confused than when I was 18


having responsibilities in different organisations / clubs
taking up various roles during both my internships in engineering firms


I never did ANYTHING related to engineering. How sure am I, that I don't want to be an engineer? or if I want to be an engineer?


I love the idea of creating, solving problems, helping people, supporting a cause I believe in..
yet I still get drawn to clubs that have more to do with branding, designing and marketing ....
than banking, investing, and technology ...

I'm losing myself.
yet I have no guts to try out different options.

It's like being pulled in different directions
hence staying in the same spot.



My interest towards engineering is still an unknown.
especially since my contribution towards my engineering projects always have something to do with research, financial risk analysis, designing and presentation.
I rarely touch matlab until I absolutely must, hence I deem myself inadequate to be in a position of an engineer.

gg.
time to experiment in my 3rd year? or nay?



---------------

Oh ya
these 2 weeks have been my "creation" week

1. made a focal wall full of postcards and cards from family and friends based on a pinterest picture
2. installed curtains without rods
3. installed hooks behind the bathroom door (i know.. it sounds lame, but I was a tad proud of myself :3 )

giving myself a pat on my back for those ^

------------

ps
中秋节快乐

-----------



quote from "Letters of Juliet"

A movie that I've at least watched 3 times :3
despite how predictable it was

saying which, I should write a letter to "Juliet" in Verona
it's in my bucket list anyway ..


but what do I have to say ?

9月27日~~

第一天上课
就给timetable 骗掉
说好的11点到1点的课
就变成了11点到5点的课

怎么可以骗小妹妹我啊？

legit prayed DAMN hard and legit ganjiong
when we were assigned to our teams for our design project

one of the main reasons why I didn't look forward to my 3rd year was the dread of group projects
I don't mind working in groups
but I mind working with people who just don't care O:)

when they announced that the groups were based on our provisional scores in our 2nd year
Gary turned around
and held my hand for a short second

we knew that our results differ by less than 0.5 marks
the likelihood of us being placed together is super high

but still damn ganjiong

have worked with Gary for too long :'D
in ICMS for 1 ++ years , allocated to the same group project for 2 - 3 times already in chem eng

because the design project stretches throughout the term
it is IMPORTANT and CRUCIAL that you get people that doesn't make you pull your hair out

...

when they refreshed the page
we were all praying we don't get the list of people we mentally blacklisted .. collectively .. hahahaha

...

I haven't even finish loading the document when Gary straight turned around and shouted
I died O.O of happiness and fulfillment!

YES SOMEONE THAT CARES !!
says YT in her mind

and then when I scan through the list
I spot 5 malaysians out of the list of 7 people
OMGOMGOMGOMG

and it didn't hit any of the people we blacklisted
and even if we did  I WON'T MIND
because IT'S A MALAYSIAN TEAM
WOOOOOOOOOO

this means a lot !
YASSS BUNCH OF PEOPLE THAT CARES ABOUT THEIR GRADES !!

time to face my 3rd year :)
I'm finally ready .. ish .. i guess
...

8pm 终于肯离开图书馆回家吃饭

才发现外面下雨

好久没一个人晚上一个人撑伞回家了 :)

听<<搁浅>>，<<草戒指>> 格外有味道

快到家的路途中马路总是有一段路是没有人的

戴上耳机，不再畏惧了:)

平常都是哼着唱着回家

今天特别一点

歌切到<<光着我的脚丫子>>时

突然想跳舞

又怕给别人看到

所以边走边跳

看起来有点lowkey又有点滑稽

手里撑着雨伞转圆圈.. waltz一下

都没有人看到 

快乐，就这么简单 :)

...



on a side note : 
falling in love and getting into a relationship 
is becoming more and more mutually exclusive 

and the line between friendship and relationships is getting less defined

soon enough I'm sure I won't be able to judge whether one is being friendly or dropping hints 
but I don't want to stay single 

9月25日~~

Bite size update: 

7/9 - Reach London
       ** Wicked :D (mom was wowed)
11/9 - Barcelona and Valencia with Parents
15/9 - Back to London
       ** Phantom :')  (the 2nd musical I cried)
17/9 - Edinburgh
        first time in Scotland after so long!
19/9 - Back to London
        ** Mamma Mia :D (dad was so happy)
22/9 - Parents leave :(
23/9 - V&A museum + London day with Yuxian
24/9 - Brighton with Huixian ♥
25/9 - I GOT A POD IN THE SCIENCE LIBRARY!

====

好久不见，我小小的世界

好久没听见自己的声音了
好久没有一个人好好呆着了

还记得暑假时有告诉爸爸
其实很珍惜一个人搭mrt的日子
毕竟，习惯了一个人静一静
其实有点后悔跟他酱讲，因为之后，他就emo了一点点 .. oops

搬进新家了
也还没好好搬完
连个垃圾桶都还没买
sigh
说好要grocery shopping到现在都还没有properly去
有时候很想问自己在忙什么
因为我开始渐渐不明白为什么我要自己这样对自己了

家里过着没有wifi的日子
已经快2个星期了
家里的客人来来去去

偶尔遇见新朋友
偶尔和老朋友catch up

如果这是我的3rd year 那该有多好

but 不是wor
我还是那么的犯贱
答应了朋友去帮忙T.I.M.

他把我的Job scope 摊开来说
我直接傻掉
原来我不只是designer，我还要做回我的publicity,
还加上meet sponsor pitch 和 recruitment
我是扛上了icms里3个职位的工来做
..........

I mean 是可以拼一点，是doable 的
但那么多年了。。
我有那么多次的顾此失彼
我这样做是对的吗？

老实说
tired 多过 excited的感觉
好像是一年比一年严重
尤其是知道自己是要重复做同样的东西 :(
可以说是学以致用，也能说the sky is never the limit
还是有很多东西 explore ... but ...

应该说很担心吧
我怕我自己赶不上课业
我不想重新体会高中那种力不从心的感觉
那种很~无助的感觉
到头来都是自己拿来的

“自己选择的路，爬着走也要走完”

明天开会
后天开学前又开会

icms 的那100多面的design还在等着我做
还没开学就开始在学校留下来

4年前的我
拿到spm的成绩时
告诉自己
绝对
绝对
不要再顾此失彼了

看着自己的results 一年比一年差
真的。。。感觉很烂
别人进步，我却在原地踏步

毕竟到最后
我需要学会自私一点


但
我还是没停过
已经3rd year 料eh
我很害怕很害怕很害怕重蹈覆彻

却还是那么犯贱地好奇着
如果加入了他们的team会有什么感觉

同时我又要悠哉的生活
又要享受人生
又要去旅行

什么都要 : )
到最后却失去了最重要的人
忽略了最亲近的人

Like a sailor without its compass on a rainy day
I was lost, and I still am

=======

不管了
rant 完了
就是要继续过着一样的生活

今年的我
会和去年的我有什么不同呢？

=======

原谅我这没有重点的blog post hahahah
body reject着咖啡因
小头痛了7个小时多 @@

是时候不再逞强了

======


好想再说一次 “幸福就这么简单”

PS; I bought a book - Prisoners of Geography .. hahahha time to 增广见闻 a bit

9月1日~~

Today marks the day where I embarassed myself
..
Big time
..
I was always scolded for being oblivious to signs
To people in general
Mostly because I am still learning how to be single
But this time around, I got the hint
..
And I reciprocated the hints
..
Never have I gotten more embarassed by my acts until today
..

I thought with the way I act
I'm actually protecting myself
That people wouldn't consider hurting me
But I've never been so wrong in my life

It was good while it lasted for 2 months
But to make me feel sad, betrayed, embarassed, angry and disgusted...
Means a lot ...

I still have no idea what went wrong
I read signs
I get people's feedback and opinion
And this time I actually listen to them
And not just brush it off by saying " no, he's just a friend"

I was wrong

Bad judgement from my end
狼狈比失去难受
I am damn embarassed
And I'm glad I didnt make that much of a fool
Of myself

Why dont people learn how to not lead people on?
To learn how to reject ?

To tell me everything but omit one key information..
有点过分 :)

Not gonna lie it's a shitty feeling..

---

It proves a point that you cant have a simply platonic relationship between 2 people, unless you're not that close to begin with.

One way or another, someone will fall for the other. With or without telling, for a short or long time.. it could just be for a spur of a moment.. but one will fall.. simply because :)

---

Dear friends whom I trust my secrets with,
Thanks for being there for me, especially the first few I told .. (you know who you are)

Thanks for being there for me to rant about when I really didnt know how to react

Thanks for hearing me out

Thank you so so much

And this is the first time that someone called me to go out when I needed someone.

For fetching me out to get 1 huge tub of icecream and stare at the lake for 2 hours..
Just talking to me

Friends like these are hard to find and I'm glad that I met friends like them :)

---

Seems to be a recurring thing that summers are made of heartbreaks, but at the same time, a great way to build new friendships, ones you dont want to let go :)

Glad that based on what I've experienced I've learnt not to be狼狈 for anyone anymore :)

This was a misjudgement from my end, it wont happen again.

8月21日~~

与世隔绝了一段时间
目前
你问我什么，我legit什么都不知道

在design 的世界里呆久了
就忘了怎么和世界交际 @@

发现隆中华管乐团有出现在东运会的开幕典礼

is it weird that up till this day
I still have that warm fuzzy feeling when something like that happens?
super proud of them and where I came from
knowing how much they have trained for this

and makes me feel like tearing up :')
I'm naturally emotional anyways

突然有很多flashback to 中学那5年


母校就是你一天会骂它8百次，却不容许别人辱骂它一次的地方


super true :)
不忘初衷
饮水思源
waiting for my internship to end before I go back to find my teachers
probably wait for rose, wei and xian to come back also :')

8月19日~~

There are 2 types of people one likes
1 - The dream guy / girl
2 - The right guy / girl at the right time

both statements don't necessarily need to equate
a lot of times, we dwell on the fact that we aren't perfect enough
it takes much more courage to admit that we may just be the right person at the right time

All your perfect imperfections, all your curves and all your edges

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8C1Y3NDaIak

8月13日~~

Halo.. today's blog post will be a bit different..
For the past 21 years of my life,
I have received quite a few comments and a few life advice from people

while some are pretty common, some are pretty.... unorthodox..
legit made me laugh even if it was supposed to be offensive to me



1. "You're like a cactus poking my brain"
Said Valerie, my violin teacher when I made mistakes and didn't play her favourite song properly


2. "You look like the sloth from Zootopia"
: > No comment : >
I told jessica that if she is an animal, she'd be a cat.. and she said this to me, and asked a lot of people during the event, they all agreed unfortunately : > .. now I have this image

3. "Actually, I think you look more like sid from ice age" 
Jamie: "NO CHRIS, THAT IS SO MEAN" ... yes obviously 这种酱残忍的说话，只有最亲的人才敢讲，of course.. my flatmate la walao ... SO EVIL

4. "You have eyes of Garfield"

This is from my mom, of all the cats and all the animals, she chose to use Garfield as the point of reference. She say I have them when i'm bored or look tired

5. "You sound like the Matrix" 

My boss called me this at work last year, he is the boss of my senior manager, but because my team is so small (including him and the senior manager, only got 4 people) I get to help him quite often.

He called me this when I said "Goodbye" with a merciless (or bored) expression as I deleted something from the presentation during discussion.

YES, I did something as lame as that OMG ... I'm such a joker sometimes, I can't even .... : > I swear it wasn't on purpose.... 

they had to stop and laugh at me for a good 1 minute. 

6. " You ... Dolphin"

..... I can't even start with this ... is this meant to be offensive ????? The word "dolphin" is definitely not a strong word, nor is it a weak word ... not a good or bad word .. it's one of the most neutral word I've ever heard .... 

I couldn't help it but to ask Jay what he actually meant the 2nd day (yes I dwell on the past, don't judge) 

apparently I was laughing when we were dancing ballroom, and he said I made a "high pitch sound" and the only thing he can think about was .. a dolphin .. 

I think I was just catching my breath while I was laughing like how I always do .. lel

7. "Me and my friend both think, you look like a giraffe"

First of all, what's up with everyone generalizing me with all the 非主流 animals.. but this term came to me the first time when I was in Form 1. 依学 told me about this. 

The reason why I look as if I have a long(er) neck than regular people, is because I have really small shoulders... and my shoulders are slanted down, it's genetic .. 

I often tell my friends that I feel as though my shoulders are non-existent, and it's like drawing a stickman, where my arms are just stuck to my own body without the shoulder part (yes this is a self burn)

8. "You look like a chipmunk"

Correct. This has something to do with my imperfect teeth and the way I laugh. I do acknowledge my weird smile that is "deeper than the mariana trench". It's genetic gaizzzzz, idk which facial muscle should I control to stop myself from doing this. Have been trying to figure this when my primary school mate told me about this.

This comment actually came from my high school best friend - shi min. She normally draw cards for me with this as a theme : >

9. "You look like a squirrel"

I know what you're thinking.. isn't chipmunk something like a squirrel???
but apparently this points out a totally different part of my body..

It's my pony tail.

Before I 电直my hair, my hair wasn't perfectly straight when I tie it up.

But instead of calling it a pony tail, some of my friends decided to call it a "squirrel tail", cuz of how bushy it looks.

hmmmmmm 

10. "有人说过你长得像孙燕姿吗？"

K la, this one rub my ego a bit :3 .. because a few people have told me I look like her from an angle :3

Yes this is a compliment. 

 

On that note. let me end this section of "Who and What YT looks like"

Here are some of my favourite quotes from my favourite man on earth - my dad 

1. "葶，读书不用酱辛苦叻，不用拿一百分的" - He said to me when I was in high school
2. "葶，学会懒惰一点也是一种福气，不要酱积极" - He said this to me just now, when I told him I'm quite tired and I legit lied down on his belly like a koala on a tree brunch

3. "Life is to be enjoyed"
4. "Nothing is impossible"
5. "什么都不知道的女人最幸福"

Did you know, my dad is the one that got me into drinking? 

He offers me sips of wine all the time 

and we do drink wine / whisky almost every night if we're at home. 

We normally drink when we're having our post-dinner chitchat 

but right now, because I'm designing stuff again, it has been a while since we last had that ^ 

世界上有多少爸爸是叫女儿少努力一点

可是又同时酱supportive in everything she does? 

=====

As I grow up, my personality became more and more defined.. 

I can't decide if I'm stubborn or determined

so I guess, it's just quite hard to stop me when I want something. 

======

Fun fact, Puuung is an amazing artist. Big fan of her work since she started in 2013. 

her drawings are AMAZING and portrays the kind of relationship that I would love to be in. 

They capture the beauty of everyday, 

bring out that cozy, fuzzy feeling of being in love, 

where the presence of your partner is enough. 

The comment section reminds me, 

that relationships like these do exist..

It completes the part of me that I've lost for a while. 

It takes me back to the time when relationships aren't complicated

when life is more black and white, 

and there aren't grey zones like potential brozones and friendzones

"比朋友多一点仅此而已"这种模棱两可的感情世界

but to be fair, I brought this upon myself

when I broke up, I didn't know how to be single anymore. 

I was never close to a lot of friends when I was in a relationship. 

I only trusted one person with all my secrets and insecurities. For legit 3 years. 

So, when I was single, I was damn friendly to everyone 

I was lonely. So, my friends and work filled up the void and kept me sane. 

I guess that's when I've been sending out wrong signals to some people

and now I'm in some grey zones in the eyes of many. 

I guess I just can't handle things that are uncertain :') 

As strong as I try to be and as rational as I try to be,

 I'm still a sucker for love,

but 

to find someone that also wants the same thing, is getting rare

to find someone that don't see you as a hobby, is getting harder

最残忍的，就是不放手

Dear readers,

If you don't feel like you have a future with the person, please don't cling onto the other and don't flirt

this is not a friendly gesture, but more like a toxic relationship. 

8月6日~~

哈咯
我只手数清的全世界 ^^

最近有个朋友看了neymar 的身价与待遇后
告诉我“don't you think our lives are boring and dull”

哇，我好久没有听到有人酱来跟别人比了

to be fair
总觉得我最近过得挺充实的
甚至有种never been better的感觉
^^

---

依旧和朋友 有 "farewell lunch / dinner "
可能旁人听到感觉这有点夸张
哈哈哈哈
我才21，可以有什么farewell呢？

现实是
倘若everything is as planned ，这确实是last summer home
以后我回来马来西亚for good的时候
大家早已上班一段时间了

quite interesting innit?
life ..

启程时还蛮兴奋的
为充满着未知数的前途而兴奋
半途中才回首惊觉，
那些曾对你而言很重要的人，
都早已跟随着后方的一点透视消失了

很多 “你回英国前再见面吧！” 的善意谎言
和很多 “I'll see you when I see you ” 最steady的祝福

----

有很多Hard goodbye
min 的我差点lost it mate
HAHAHHA
虽然我好像整个假期和她见面最多次
but it's such a painful goodbye
她要回sarawak开学前的那个晚上和我一起出去吃饭
载她回家的时候
还死赖在我车上继续和我聊天
...
damn that hug
killed a little something in me

我们初二开始就混到很熟了
然后我们就一直同班到我高二离校为止

她就是那罕见的stick by your side那种朋友
她有聊起我高中时的pattern
每个早上，只看到我的书包；
每天两次下课，都找不到我吃饭（我都会skip meal做些学会的东西）；
每个放学，我不是留校做学会的东西，就是去学钢琴etc；

i'm legit not the best kind of friend you should have in high school hahaha
她说：你都不需要什么聊天的朋友，你都已经在那里跑来跑去了

呵呵~还说得挺贴切的
尽管如此，她还是跟我很 close。当然我不在的时候，她会找班上其他的同学聊天
还是会把我和这些人拉在一起

but she was there for me from day 1
上课听不懂的时候，给老师叫来白板解题，只有她一个人敢跑上来教我解。
期中考，和班上同学出去以外，都是和她单独出去聊天。
考试考不好，她还是会画点小图画，做点小小的手工艺品帮我加油加油。

记得初三那年，她gather了很多人的祝福语贴在一个大大的板上

高一那年，我时常都不在班上。6.45am到学校，准时消失，第一堂课迟到，下课不在etc ……那年的她也忙着神请公假，代表学校出席很多很多的校外比赛。她的专长 -- 长跑 。她唯一的目标 - 冠军 and nothing less。 我做了个很省钱的charm bracelet 给她，基本上就是个 染色的麻绳中间挂着一个自己画上去的四叶草，还做了一张卡片给全部人（田径校队以外的人）写，帮她加油。那是她第一次抱着我哭。

高二那年，我是班上的康乐股股长，也就是说，我负责班上所有entertainment有关的活动 （ yes 学校是有点pattern的）including帮班上每个人庆祝生日，买礼物etc
当年的我, pattern没有差很远，都时常在MIA的状态, 在她生日那天，我在全班55个人的面前，交给她我印了的一张fake的飞机票去sarawak （当时她男朋友在curtin读书）。 那是她第二次抱着我哭。

高中的我，因为课外活动而成绩下滑
她和维良就是一直很耐心教我读书的人类
很感动……真的……不管我怎么拒绝他们的offer （因为我觉得自己很笨、很burden)
他们还是很坚持地教我读书，也能说是在“哄”我读书lol

我们share 着相同的梦想，进了同一个科系，
她同时也是最懂我的人。
没有人比她更懂我在想什么。

我们的关系，就是不常在网上聊天
但最开心/最伤心/很烦恼的时候
总是会找对方分享

很微妙的关系吧~~

熊猫是from 我高二代表M'sia去北京china - ASEAN cultural exchange festival 的那个星期带回来给她的~嘻嘻~

2nd year summer。我剪了短发，她留了长发。

今年生日，geyin 和huixian竟然找到她的contact我其实还蛮吓到的

毕竟我很少和别人提起她，谢谢文慧 ♥ 竟然想起她, 还save了整面给她bs omg。

PS.. we look freaking young 4 years ago .. my gosh 除了稚嫩还是稚嫩。

---


anyway
昨天托gary的福，竟然有机会跑puma night run
omg
这种价值百多块的东西，他有本事弄出两张free ticket很厉害叻~

相比之下 我比较享受london的run
比较有气氛，比较有景色，没那么Humid
这个route是平地没错，但真的是~闷HAHAHAHHA
唯一漂亮的，就是比吉隆坡多了几颗星星 :3

quite nice :3

但气氛不是很在
如果我摘下耳机，听到的就是很多人的脚步声和喘气声

前4公里，还是保留在5mins / km 的步伐 （ shocked myself man ）
后来，就真的在decelerate

最后3公里
还真的是痛苦
哈哈哈哈
就一条直路和一个u-turn
知道下个拐弯在前方，却好像永远跑不到
sigh ……累
直接……
decelerate + 走 + 慢跑

虽然到最后，我还是用 1 hr 18 mins 跑完 (target - 1 hr 20 mins)
但我最后的3公里真的是摸到~~~~~~~
哈哈哈哈哈那种 7 - 8 mins / km的状态哈哈哈哈哈

super dehydrated when i reached the finish line wei ..
好像几百年没有喝水酱~

7月24日~~

Can't believe this is already my 4th week of internship
it all went by so fast
legit high speed (rail)

I have to give credits to them
They really know how to surprise the interns

dropping bombs every morning
and I don't know what to expect

one moment i'm calling a huge list of people
another moment i'm writing a legal document worth more than 5 mil
subtly and steadily, i'd be working OT or working from home with my bosses and bosses of my bosses etc
then I'll realize the "wall makeover" was more than just sticking papers on the wall and rather internal design
after that .. I'm sent over to meet pegawais to know more about the state culture

before you know it
I'm all packed up for a trip down south that only escalated to a 2D1N trip instead of a day trip this morning
By this rate, I'm going to give my parents a heart attack wei

I am trying to keep up with my personal life once again
and that includes designing

which makes it quite hard
cuz I know how long that will take me
and I doubt I can commit as much as I want to

without a doubt
I don't regret this
the team is great and supportive!
They never forced me into doing anything but they gave me absolute trust when I was delegated tasks
I felt like an employee than an intern
which was exactly what I was looking for :)

Can't wait for the new interns to come in!
Mostly cuz I know all of them :3
and I get to drop the surprise bomb on their first day of internship :3

but also a bit ganjiong
because that also means i'll be switching teams
and the wall design proposals need to set place ...
by the end of the week
hot damn


This morning at the general meeting, I did a really quick headcount on the commercial and technical team of MyHSR
...

the team is way smaller than expected
for a project of this scale
yet the amount of people they reject is also crazily insane

but I like the feel of the working environment
definitely very different from UEM
mostly because of it's size
and because it just started

took me a while to fully realize this

start-up ish company
with a huge vision, and has crazy expectations
much ....
challenge


in a very 犯贱 way
I like this
I like the challenge

oh man ... this is bad


=============================

Went out with wei liang over the weekend
When I told my friends
I can hear what i'm saying
and all I wanna tell myself is "this is such a toxic relationship yt, this is just bad..."

to be friends again,
is going to be an emotional challenge
which proves to be grueling for a sentimental person like myself

I'm going to need all the courage I have


4 years of my life has gone by,
3 years in love with this fellow
and 1 year (current) to recover from a heartbreak

when Scott told me at the beginning of the year, to take a break in my 2nd year,
I was quite doubtful, thinking I'm much stronger than that
and I definitely won't dwell on a person who isn't in the same country as I am for a whole year
(c'mon man.. that's just not sane)

Now that operational definition has been proved
HAHAHAHHAH oh wells


The conclusion of the meet up in short was
what we want and what we could have are two different things.
I asked him to made his choice, and he replied "It won't be fair to ask you to wait for me"

有缘无分，来日有缘相见

ironic isn't it?

the amount of effort we've invested in 1 person
the amount of emotions we've wholeheartedly poured into 1 soul
being completely vulnerable
and learned to accept love and to love
that .. takes a lot of courage

now this is all just a lesson to take away
so the same mistake doesn't happen again



I don't have that many 4 years in my life man
this makes me think a lot

once again,
if I can't picture that person in the next 5 years of my life
I probably shouldn't be with him .... right?

but then, to ask for someone to stand by you .. for 5 years .. let alone 10 years
is such .. a hard favour to ask
难为 到爆

thanks rynn
for all the 开导 when I was on the verge of breaking down ..




la vie en rose

7月19日~~

Have been a HUGE fan of Puuung's artwork since 2014 when she first started her "love is" series

At that point of life I was madly in love with a guy. 

It amazes me how all her work resonated so well with me. 

The actions of the characters, the details in the artwork, the colour tone of the artwork .. 

I can just stare at forever ... 

I've never told anyone but him ... about how much I love her work .. even made sure that he liked her facebook page and what not .. hahahaha 

I downloaded more than a dozen wallpaper to my phone (yes they are available on linedeco) and set it as my screensaver and wallpaper, changing it each month. 

Until this point, i would seriously cry, if I can get my hands on her artbook which I don't know why I never bought 

-----

The time has gone by and I'm single for the past 11 months 

I changed my wallpaper and screensaver to something else less painful to look at, because it only reminded me of what I once had

My love for puuung hasn't diminished

As I found myself scrolling through her feed again ... 

What once warmth my heart, 

Still brings a smile to my face, 

Yet a panging ache to the heart ... 

It reminded me of what I once thought I had and what I really want in life ... 

Also reminded me of how unsure I am, with what I have now... 

Just another person's hobby ... 

 Time for some林俊杰 & 孙燕姿

7月13日~~

因为害怕失去
所以装作不在意

失去之后
才想要挽回

这是我， 那是他。
Simple as that.

既可惜既幸福的是
这世界还有很多人
这道题本来就很多的未知数

于是这关系不再是对立的
也不再是相互的

什么时候感情能成为恒等式?

解了第一大题的每个小题
答案却和第二大题毫无关系
顶多也仅是相似类型
又或靠逻辑与经验以此类推

---

最近似乎很多考虑
试着了解自己想要的是什么
但至今依旧无解

互惠共生 又或 片利共栖
还是取决于自己向往的是什么

害怕重蹈覆辙
所以付出越来越小心

害怕打扰
而选择不来往不依靠
选择独立选择说 "没关系" "不用"

曾经会为小事情难过，刁蛮，赌气，吃醋，不满的自己
害怕再次被嫌弃

别误会
容许我自恋的认为自己大方，容易满足，还有很多"无所谓"

只希望
快乐的时候有人为我开心
委屈的时候有人为我不满
烦恼的时候能听我埋怨，给我意见

我想要的不多，但同时好像很多

7月6日~~

我受够了你和你那傲慢与到处散播谣言的态度

请继续用你的视眼来看世界
我期待看你创出你自己的一片彩虹

但请勿用你的负能量、不懂祝福与自以为是的态度来对待我

你可以叫别人井水不犯河水的对你
我也能同理对待你


从你把我做过的每一件事情跟我身边的每一个人说的那时刻
我已经觉得不对劲了，
我本身是个很开明的女生，但前几个月你开始公众讨论我私人的事情时
绝对已经跨越了我的底线了

你的尊严是圣旨
却把我的尊严当狗屎?

再来，还说我take you for granted？
这句话就不对了

还把我“欠”你的一个个人情都摆出来？

这就是大大不对了

我，方伊葶，这世人
欠钱不欠人情

这一年里面，
完全巩固+ enhance了我这个概念

我鲜少会对一个人产生厌恶感
我需要深呼吸， 再减少与你的交流。

显。


这时的我，宁愿自己照顾自己。






常常有人问我
“你怎么那么幸运”
“你走什么后门”
“还不是因为别人给你脸”

GG， 我需要息怒多少遍
才能告诉别人
“是，的确需要一点运气”'

which is true
做什么东西，99巴仙的努力，还是要靠那1巴仙的运气

算了。
我们的友谊，不靠你们对我的认可
当然
我会自然与比较有正能量的人赖在一起
毕竟
我也需要充电

Tuesdays with Morrie

So I've decided to watch this movie from 1999 after reading the book twice and it ended in tears

I've officially made Tuesdays with Morrie my new bible in life 

right next to Le Petit Prince that will always hold the special place in my heart

Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGCYD_7taKA

"You're too afraid of receiving love because you're too afraid of giving love to someone you may lose"

共勉之

7月1日~~

Before I say anything
if UCL didn't lie to me on how they calculate the grade points
if I didn't calculate wrongly or misunderstood the system

if the unlikely circumstances above did not happen
I got 70.72% as of now :D

First year: 74.16%        (25%)
Second year: 69.57%    (75%)


so i'm barely scraping it.. but FIRST CLASS O.O


I was playing la vie en rose, when this all happened
and when I checked my phone an hour or so later, I realize got 80+ messages in my whatsapp
thought it was just spam from group chat, because UCL has fooled me for a few days now
while everyone else is getting their results, we haven't been getting any

I scrolled to our class chat
AND THEN
I was like F*CK it's out O.O

Sorry Rynn,
hahahahha he has to tolerate my swearing and shit
that even after I know I'm progressing to my 2nd year, I'm still swearing
I kept him in the blue, while he keep asking me "WHAT'S GOING ON NOW"
I feel bad, but oh wells 闺蜜 responsibilities :3

SORRY AND THANK YOU  :')


andrea texted me
her and ryan survived too :)
NAISE



This time around, I started studying for exams 1 month before the papers
which is 2 weeks more than what I did in my 1st year :)

now that I legit have no more distractions/commmitments to kacau my coursework, my exams and projects
I will have no more excuses

hyt... don't repeat your 高中 landslide :)

====

anyways, I'm back in Malaysia for almost a week now
going out everyday with family or to meet friends

I think my parents are quite worried that I won't have that much time after I start my internship
so I feel like they're preparing me to leave for the UK again lol
needless to say, I'm balling quite hard

====

Croatia was great :)
amazing company with yu xian, han yang, shaz, quan han and zhi ling

I've never known oceans and lakes can be so blue and so clear O.O
Went kayaking on the sea and cliff jumping
welp, ticking off that bucket list everyday ^_^

but instead of writing about it, I've decided to made a vlog about it
took me about 5 hours?
which is still within my expected time frame, so it's not too bad ^_^


Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmEQaEQQLCg&t=142s

====

Of course I also went back to visit my grandparents
catch up on what I've been missing out for the past 9 months

finally met my self-proclaimed 闺蜜 - rynn leow

met up with my high school bae - shi min and egg - yao sheng
both of them represented the school for track events
which also mean, these are some of the people that got me into running

====

I only had 1 hour sleep in the long 12.5 hour flight (飞机这次飞很快 )
So I've had more than enough time to think about my life and what I want.

wrote my thoughts and doubts down on a word document
and decided to leave my past in the past

I don't know if this is the best decision or not
but I know this is the right decision

as if I haven't been saying it enough for the last 10 months
I'm going to say this again

time to move on

====

oh ya, did I mention I cut my hair?

geyin say 剪断头发，剪断牵挂
呵呵 , I didn't think about this when I cut my hair
I just know I wanted a new look, and I want it shorter to last for another year

but maybe I was just trying to start fresh
and I never had the guts to cut my hair short
especially since my crushes always seem to like my hair in a certain way
and I will be lying if I say I haven't tailored how I look to how people might prefer


but yea, this is a start :)

====

With confidence, comes independence
and now, time for some courage to take that first step .. away from the haunting past

away from you



===============================================

*UPDATE :
I calculated wrongly HAHAHHHAHAHA
after being in a very huge misunderstanding on how my course calculate its marks for 2 - 3 months now

I missed my first class by 1.46 marks
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

due to my varying module results in my 1st year
and also my minor dragged me down in my 2nd year (which is surprising to me o.o)

welp :3 ..
i got 2 more years to redeem myself

just super funny HAHAHAHHAH
time to clarify to the people that I told

so it's 68.54% as of now :D

First year: 69%        (25%)
Second year: 68.38%    (75%)