12月26日~~

As I write this a day later, I'm wearing my ring and have not responded to the warm social media wishes from friends and family. Well, kids ...  

Let me tell you about the day I got engaged to the best man a woman could ever ask for :)

----

It was towards the end of the year when back-to-back gatherings and meet-ups with friends and family were happening 

so it was pretty nice to have a day at home with family

---

I started the day with breakfast with my parents
Weeded out the yard and picked up the wilted leaves (it has been a while since we did chores after my new job required me to work from the office) 
Then, KY went off with my mom to pick up our Christmas lunch order, whilst I did some knitting beside dad at the corner of the house. 

When Sam and Yee Zhe came over, I cleaned up and dressed up for the occasion and marched downstairs proudly with the bag of Christmas gifts I'd picked for them. I was quite sure they'll like the gift 

We had our food with wine, and towards the end, we had our gift exchange. 

--- 

KY said to me with a cheeky smile "Wait, I have a 2nd gift for you"

---

Deep down I knew that this was it! We've been talking about it these past few weeks, and he told me that he's going to bring me on a trip I can't refuse to Singapore.  I jokingly asked him if that was the only day Hui Xian can make time for us and can help with the proposal. He caved in a few days ago and told me that was his original intent. Thus, giving away the proposal surprise. 

We had a couple of emotional nights talking about how our present is so different from the past. As we spend more time at work and with our friends and family, we have less time for each other. We spent time reflecting and reassuring each other that the future is uncertain but it would be with each other. 

--- 

Half a minute after these thoughts were surfacing, my family fell quiet and Sam started recording on her phone. 

KY walked out cheekily from the storeroom with a bouquet of 99 roses and a bunch of balloons, one of which says "will you marry me?"

--- 

I started smiling and tearing up, focusing on him, whilst my family fumbled to set the stage
(i.e. calling Yee Xuen and Wye Wye who's travelling in Bali, turning on "How Deep Is Your Love", rearranging chairs for him to stand in front of the dining table, using a chair to prop up the surprisingly heavy 99 roses) 

He pulled out some papers from his pocket and started spilling out the sweetest words anyone could have ever said to me. 

His 3-pager proclamation of love shall remain private to those who were present, just know that it involved a line from Hamilton the musical, the word "philosophy" and a reference to our favourite song. 

With tears in our eyes, he got down on one knee, put away his papers and pulled out a tiffany-blue box from his back pocket. 

"Will you marry me?" 

With a laugh and a chuckle, I replied "Yes I do", he put his ring on my finger, and we hugged and kiss. 

Yee Zhe broke the spell as he said "wah so sweet got script some more" to which we all laughed in tears. This was followed by hugs from my family and a photoshoot indoors and outdoors using Sam's and mom's phones. 

At one point, Yee Zhe was kneeling down holding a bouquet of flowers for us to take a close-up shot of the ring

Of course, after the photo shoot, there were a few minutes of silence as the photos were uploaded onto google drive and sent to close relatives. 

Later, we proceeded with the regularly scheduled programme of a gift exchange after common Christmas dinner, but this time with a ring on my finger :)

---

When I was younger, I dreamt of a proposal in front of the Disney castle; a flashmob ending with my boyfriend dancing clumsily whilst holding up a ring; a proposal by the beach during sunset; a proposal with my friends and family giving me a rose as I walk down to him. 

None of which compared to this

The charming kind of mess that only a family can give.
The sense of completeness that can only happen with close family to hug after saying yes.
The sincere and raw emotions that can only happen if we are comfortable with being vulnerable with the people around us... 

and without me knowing, he gave me the perfect proposal I could have ever wished for, and in the presence of the people who mattered most, in a place where I'm most comfortable with being myself.

---

This was a reflection on how I felt about our relationship, there are certain elements and characteristics that I didn't know were important to me, and those empowered me to become a better person.  

If this ain't a dream come true I don't know what is :)

Whilst I continue to enjoy just being engaged, I know that the true next step is getting married. 
I'm ready for this new adventure with the perfect man. 

In one of the upcoming posts, I'll have to reflect on this incredible year of big changes for us. 

12月19日~~

Was not planning on crying before work. 

But sometimes do be like that. 

Insecurities do appear out of thin air these days. 

They get stronger and I become smaller as people raises their voices around me. 

I need to learn how to stand up for myself, unfortunately that would probably take counselling to fix. There are probably some deep rooted troubles that would take counselling sessions that cost a fortune to unpack there. 

It's probably easier to ignore me than try to help me, as I have not yet defined my problem for others to solve. 

Of better, I should've just not talked about these things as I try to decouple emotions from physical actions like going to work on a Monday. Lol. 

Some cognitive behavioural therapy for me please :D

#noboundaries  

===

It's after work hours now. 

I'm much less emotional than the morning, but rather super reflective  

A lot of what I'm doing is chewing things, regurgitating continuously and学以致用from cross functional stakeholders and external knowledge base. 

when the room is full of talking people, I tend to shut myself up, and just write notes like an external party. It's a new way of learning. I've not been in this position without being the "notetaker"

 what I'm learning now I no longer share with long notes and highlights. I also no longer have a team. But slowly transitioning into having a new boss. 

Work is a lot of unlearning, learning, relearning. 

Some words of the past come back, and you'll never know what additional information you could share with the team. 

Sometimes a thing that sounds financial / technical could just be a marketing thing. 

Which is why the generalist point comes into play isn't it? 

Life is fascinating, and I'm excited to see whats next, and how my identity continues to shape and morph as I go.

One thing for sure, it's good training to build empathy. 

12月8日~~

Consistently shifting between I belong and I don't belong.  

Between I'm not good enough, to maybe? Just maybe. 

I'm struggling and it's hard to not have a person to confide to that understands this position. 

Currently surviving one day at a time on sole Marcus aurelius wisdom. 

Mental health on the verge of breaking every now and then. Using again the wisdom of aurelius to bring myself back to earth  and cope with the events at hand 

Words still hurt, especially from people who matter. 

True stoics wouldn't have emotions as anger and sadness. 

They would take it as they come, and acknowledge it comes from a false impression that things that are within their control. 

So why am I feeling sad? 

On a train, 

In a toilet, 

In a meeting room. 

And why do I feel a sense of panic at my seat every now and then 

11月25日~~

So when I was 6, I was learning the piano. 

It was a technical piece for me at that time. 

My teacher told me to practice it often. 

If you know me, you'd know, that means "practice before the lesson"

But this time I decided to take her advice, I practiced everyday. Diligently. I've never worked harder for a piano piece in my 6 years of life. 

When the time comes and I played the performance of a lifetime. I looked at her beaming with pride. 

And she started off with what could have been better. 

I couldn't control but burst into uncontrollable tears, saying that I was doing my best. And my teacher held me tight, saying that, you've been great, but we can always do better. 

That's the first moment I realise my best, can always be not good enough. 

That's also when I realise, I feel uncontrollably sad and frustrated at myself when that happens. 

Things that could've, would've, should've been better

20 years has passed since. Though the context is different, I still fall for this trick.

 Imposter syndrome is real, and it's brutal effects are felt. 

More stoic and kindness please

10月25日~~

 不知不觉又到了工作的最后一个星期

--- 

I'd have said goodbye twice to work colleagues this year

This time it's a little different from before. 
Perhaps it's because of the comparatively little time spent here in Zalora, or perhaps it's that I've gone through some personal growth

It feels less dramatic..
it's like graduating school for the 2nd time.
You know that despite the uncertainty of the future and that you'll grow out of friends, you'll grow into new experiences and new relationships again

Career experience wise, it's been a little odd to be alone for few months. But also odd that I have to sort of figure out what I'll be doing. I've been asked a few big, tough questions to answer. And I answer them methodologically, asking favours from people in the firm to spare some time. Beyond that, nothing much. 

Perhaps it's something that will repeat itself in the future. As I figure out what needs to be done, recruiting a new team to work towards a goal. 

I'll miss the great work-life balance here. I'll miss the passionate young people I've met.

And yet, the future doesn't scare me as much as I thought it would. 

Strange. very strange.

PS. gotten into journalling on top of daily reflections. Hence, less rambles on here. . 

10月14日~~

 Learnings from a team that is transitioning from a "start-up" to a "corporate" in my short time with Zalora

• You learn to scale-up as a team (doesn't matter if you came from a start-up) environment or a corporate environment, there will be gives and takes. 
• Managing change is key. It won't be perfect the first time, through the gives and takes, there will be holes in the imperfections as the organisation rushes to fill up the holes of growth with round and square pegs. Through this all, a change manager is key to manage emotions and expectations 
• Always budget in ambition with confidence in the business plans, through base and stretch targets 
• Balance fundamental tactical initiatives with strategic thinking. And this applies throughout the team, not just in the hands of a couple. 
• People bond over trauma, but those that joined in new will never have that context. Ergo, more effort is required to bring them to the "inside circle", or rather, hire those with an experience of being highly proactive and innovative 
• Always think about knowledge management. People will come and go, like it or not. Especially in high-pace environment and constant changing roles. 
• Hire people with different characteristics in the DISC model, I've seen all 4 in one room, they are fine if they work together towards a similar goal. Remember to constantly set ground rules and expectations, tweak style of communication between all. e.g. I have a blue leader, and I'm more yellow/green, therefore, I need to make my presentations more analytical and in-depth rather than high-level thinking. This goes vice versa.
• Never underestimate the power of vision alignment, messages get lost through the fast pace (not so much of the bureaucracy since it's a flat organisation). It's important to actively combat the thoughts of "is this the right thing to do now?" by accepting inputs of new projects, qualifying projects in a standardised manner, and providing a justification of why / why not these are the right things to do now. 

10月7日~~

 It didn't really hit me until today that I'm a "change manager" for the project I'm on

Did I know this when I applied for the job?
Not really, but I do know that whatever projects they've had in mind, would entail change

 I can't blame them though, They didn't know a restructuring was coming up "now" now 

It's inevitable .. for a company aiming to scale-up their services, their organisation has to do the same too 

That would mean people's jobs are changing and morphing

Am I comfortable with it, absolutely because I know I'll be leaving soon and politics (if any) is not in my hands, so I can look at this objectively.

If I knew this going in, I would have been intimidated, overdoing my approach, and getting help from team members. Signalling emergency alarms to my manager. 

Maybe it's part of my growth, but now, I think I'm more nonchalant nowadays, letting things run it's course. I don't overthink it, I'm more intuitive nowadays. Highlighting the "N" in my "ENFJ" personality that was somehow still applicable after the years of growth, and some minor value changes. Some things does stick around 

I'm taking time to admire my career growth spurt. 

The imposter syndrome will strike me soon, I know it, I can feel it coming soon.

But until then, I shall continue to take charge of new responsibilities and learn how to empower and not just do it myself

 

10月6日~~

 As I grow in my career,

I handle things with more grace and poise. 

I used to freak out over the smallest things, like handing a meeting alone, like facing a difficult client, or right now, planning my leave

*Side note: Yes dear friends, I'm leaving a job ... again. KY joked that this looks like an internship for me. So many "Again"s, "what happened"s and "so soon"s. 

I'm better at 1:1 calls right now, I plan the topics I want to talk to my manager, I learn how to not use powerpoint slides and excels when chatting, but rather as a back-up 

I'm better at 1:1 calls with reports too, writing questions, and gauging what support they need.

I'm still learning as I go, don't get me wrong, sometimes I still freak out at "Oh gosh! why are they listening to my vague advice" "I just came here, wth are you asking me for advice for" 

But I also realise that a lot of them just needed a sounding board, a word of affirmation. 

At the end of the day, my job was to manage people, apart from the regular, project management / strategic definition part of things.

My job is to ask difficult questions, align expectations, help structure thoughts, and help connect people, and whilst doing all that, focus on making this a good working environment for my team (if I have any). I just have to plan the rest of my month better. :) if I want to do this correctly and properly. 

I just have to remind myself this when I start freaking out again, that this is a highly personal journey, and I sometimes underestimate myself 

Looking back, everything flowed as a story, everything has happened for a reason, and it is my story to tell. 

Reflecting a comment from an interviewer, "when you tell stories, you become easier to approach"

I need to remember this as my strength, and continue to be human

9月22日~~

 Lots of emotions and thoughts flow through as I receive a new job offer 2 months into my role in Zalora

This was probably first job I probably applied to in March / April.

On one hand, it is the job, the dream - to help the nation build it's 5G infrastructure
Wasn't it what I thought I would've done if I came back? Wasn't it all for a bigger cause than myself?

On the other hand, it is the work-life balance, the ideal - to spend time with my loved ones who bring me joy. Wasn't it the core reason to living? To be with loved ones as much as possible? 

Didn't I already talk myself out of the career goals and aspirations? 

Aren't I already in a position in life where it's the best balance between salary and work-life balance? 

So why did I take up that interview?
Why did I prepare so hard for these conversations? 

Did I truly believe myself when I said "I'm driven by a social cause" 
Or am I just another selfish person? 

I know where my strengths are, but where does my passion lie? 

Is this all just to fuel the ego monster in my heart, or is the ego monster my true driver in life? 

Reflecting on life, I've picked up challenges "Just cuz", there were always reasons / excuses as to why I choose to do what I do. And I always justify it to myself

Lately, I've been thinking, perhaps I don't always have to pick the toughest mountain to climb? Perhaps I can make-do with what I have and pretend I don't have that will to mountain it. 

Looking back again, I know that I wouldn't let it go, like how I still talk about that decision to join EY over Barclays a long time ago. I never let it go, did I?

But why did I come home, I would've done well with what I was doing. Or is coming home already achieving what I wanted?

Do I feel like I can do better in the next job? soar higher go further? And so what if that's true? 

Would I settle, would I strive? And what's the catch if I strive or settle? Which can't I deal with? 

At risk of repeating myself..I kind of have to ponder about what makes things good and bad right now and before. Am I willing to go back to that? 

8月24日~~

Fascinating to unbox treasures which were at one point deemed "of utmost value" that we could neither donate nor dispose

Aside from the things that did have value like clothes, bags and shoes, which only took up a box..

The rest brings a smile to my face

I see notebooks, sketchbooks, materials for arts and craft, handcrafted goods 

I see pamphlets, books and boardgames

Also I see lots of trinkets and memorabilia scattered around. Funny how little things like these remind me of my past life there.

===

So.. are these still considered "treasure"?
Financially - no. But it does make the heart full and spark joy. 

A reminder of the independent life I've had for 7 years, a soul searching journey
before I moved back to Malaysia and went back to co-living

This serves as a good reminder of what my core personality was at one point

8月23日~~

Picture a wave. In the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through. And it's there. And you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave.

And then it crashes in the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be, for a little while. You know it's one conception of death for Buddhists: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's supposed to be.

The Good Place

8月18日~~

Met 3 ex-consultants in Zalora thus far. All of them said the same thing, better work-life balance and pace + sense of fulfillment from implementing something new

 This makes me :)

These 3 weeks have been amazing, meeting people and understanding the business operations. No one hammering on my (virtual) door saying, get this done in the next 30 minutes, I'll check-in to review in 15 minutes. I am enjoying this :) 

My goal is to build something that is modular now too. And that means getting agile trained. 

Initially I thought my imposter syndrome will kick in soon, but hey, it turns out it's not too bad!

8月16日~~

I'm usually here when I need to self-reflect, usually in conjunction with a life event

Today I spent a significant portion of time to understand my own "driving forces"

I first heard about this as I read "Surrounded by bad bosses". At that point I didn't give it that much thought, until the past few days when I've been given a chance for a new opportunity. I started to think about what drives me? 

The DISC model only tells me how I would behave in situations, and not why I would action on something. 

Besides I'm usually surprised at my own decisions, that I come to realise that perhaps I'm not someone who I perceive myself to be? 

I think that my 2 strongest driving force is probably aesthetic and social, against the other 4 - theoretical, utilitarian, individualistic, traditional. 

I'm writing it here so I remember the next time I encounter a life decision. 

Of course, all things should be done in moderation, i.e. there are boundary conditions in life that makes me say "no" to things, now that I'm an adult. Hence, I'm trying to turn up a notch on the other 4 lesser driving forces. 

Though the boundary conditions are lower than I suspected. So I started my job at Zalora, turns out work-life balance did play a factor, and it's something I'm willing to "pay" for.   

Anyway, have an interview tomorrow. I'll do my best and if everything goes well, I guess there'll be more changes in the future. 

7月14日~~

It's me again. 

I realised that I've been writing a physical journal for 19 weeks now so I read 19 Thursday entries. 

I really didn't mean for it to be a night journal, but it seems to me that since I started my "annual leave" from EY, I've been writing my journals at night. 

Perhaps a sign that I do see myself having some time at night for myself. 

When I used to only see them in the mornings before the chaos. 

Also, started learning Blender to create a 3D doughnut. I'm so random I can laugh.

Got a bit down in the dumps in the afternoon so had Maggi. Lmao. 

7月14日~~

Having mixed feelings about my rejection from BCG

On one hand I feel it is a bit of a shame, on the other I feel relieved 
If nothing else, It made things a bit more simpler... I'm free from the consulting world

I started rejecting companies like Human Inc, Maxis and Accenture, choosing to start my next chapter with Zalora (although the official letter hasn't come out, but hey, if they're asking me a convenient time to collect my laptop, I'm game!) Shopee's offer is still pending hiring approval (so the same  month-long process) so I'll be rejecting that soon too

It was hard rejecting companies like Maxis, since it was a dream come true when the salary got approved and the job was what I expected myself to do when I come back to Malaysia

 It was the first interview I've gotten and the first company that offered me (albeit it took a while to get the salary through) A role in digital strategy, what a win! 

Then Zalora came along, with a completely new role in e-commerce in Commercials, Marketplace partnership experience. It all sounded foreign to me, and I had to read on so many things to ace this interview. It was one of the better conversations I've had in the interviews I've had, a lot of bouncing off ideas, the people were diverse in nationality. I decided to talk to people working there, and the feedback was the same as the ones in glassdoor. I told them if they offered me a salary higher than Maxis (since the role is bigger than I expected), I would go for it, and boy did the HR try. And I got the job. 

Accenture and Human Inc had an interview process which I was familiar with, so I got those jobs. Since the offer wasn't that far off from industry, it was not a tough decision. you would need to pay me more to put me through that again, the travels, the lack of work-life balance, the anxiety of not knowing when you'll need to uproot your life again. 

BCG was an interesting one, I didn't expect myself to go this far. Every conversation was interesting, people were patient, but I know people in there, I know what they are going through and I wasn't super keen in getting it. But it is the prestige trap that I've fallen into, that ego in me that I had to stroke and the greed for more. 

Now that it's done and dusted, I feel emotions running in me, I can't believe this is all happening. I'm actually doing it ... leaving consulting! 

Accenture just texted me however, to have a call in 50 minutes, I'm not sure how that conversation would turn out to be, but deep down in me, I know what I can and cannot do. Writing this down so I don't forget, 

How much would it cost to steal dinner time away from family? 

I'll leave it here. Let's see what happens in 30 minutes. 

So things happened quickly, Accenture is trying to get approval for 36% more than what Zalora is offering me.  In absolute terms, it would be almost double of what other people my age is earning. Let's see if they manage it. 

7月7日~~

This is a life-changing moment for me 

I've turned down an offer letter whilst waiting for the others to come in. The job is what I expected it to be, the people is friendly, the pay is what I expected, and I already knew of the less-than-desirable benefits. And yet, I still turned that down. 

I somehow feel a little sad and a little grown-up

The excuse I gave related to money and annual leave, but I know deep down it was rather about the attitude I've gotten whilst thinking about the offer and the nature of the job itself. 

As I reflect, I realised that I have the upper hand of choosing the team that I'd like to work with. 
And HR knew that too. 

Whilst these are all great and smart people, there's a certain snobbish attitude from some teams that I'm not a big fan of. 

-----

I've never been in this position of power, and it is obvious that my priorities have shifted in the last 3 years when I first turned down a job that pays much better to be closer to loved ones

Now that I'm closer to my loved ones, it's fascinating to see how my criteria has shifted. The salary range people has given me so far has been meeting my bottom line and going above it. 

The annual leave is mostly the same, benefits is okay too. But the team's culture and potential imbalance in my work-life is something I cannot shake off. 

I reflect again on the conversations I've had with friends.

"If I pay you a 20% extra so that you can work 14 hours a day, and on weekends. Would that be enough? Is this life still worth living?How about if I pay you 50% extra? would you give up on that then?" 

The concept of calculating pay by actual hours hit me hard. And how much would I have charged for these extra hours? What happens if I put you with a team that has infectious negative energy but with great work-life balance? What happens if you don't like the job but you get the pay you wanted? 

Despite having been working for 3 years now, I am still trying to figure myself out.  How much am I willing to bend, when is too much "too much" ? 

I know now that a job with intense travel requirements is not for me and my mental health. Yet is there a price that can get me back in? 

Questions I thought I have an answer to, yet when the situation arises, I do something that surprises me. 

No, not like this, I thought to myself. I'll not go back to consulting if industry pays similarly. I cannot lose myself again. It's too dangerous.  

6月27日~~

Currently unpacking my luggage from the UK

Thats when I realised, this is so different from visiting over the holidays

My organisation from 7 years back before I left is no longer fit for purpose

There are things I no longer use / need, clothes I no longer wear, style I outgrew. 

I left them there thinking I'd still be the same. 

Fascinating, how I clung onto memories / am still attempting to do that.

Fortunately / unfortunately, I ran out of hangers (surprise surprise)

But well I've donated so much in the UK. I surely can do it again :)

Onwards and upwards  

Cue "One last time" from Hamilton for the Nth time this week

6月9日~~

Day 5 since I was tested positive for Covid 19 

==== 

So I got covid somewhere in South Africa, friends who has contracted the disease started testing negative yesterday. 

I realised I wasn't as patient with myself, on a regular day, I would have waited out the 7 days.
But now that my parents are here and I already have to cancel part of our trip to Greece I'm getting nervous

We were supposed to fly to Athens on the 11th from Santorini. Now that the trip to Santorini is cancelled because I got the virus, I'm getting nervous that the negative result is cutting it close. Or what happens if I take longer than the usual person? 

I'm constantly tired, not sure if that's from the virus, or from being anxious, or from sleeping late. 

I'm constantly distracted, so my flat ended up with a lot of half-finished tasks, making it look messy. 

I guess I just have to get a grip of myself, and into a rhythm that I have been refusing to go into 

I'm not fully embracing the spirit of stoicism that I've been preaching

===

I do learn more about myself 

I've embodied the spirit of Ben Wyatt from Parks and Recreation

I can't rest, I keep finding little things to do, when all I need to do is rest and let my body fight it's fight 

Have a little more patience and faith YT. 

5月8日~~

Some random thoughts to remember the bristol-bath run :)

---

Dandelion fluff
Chilly abandoned railway tunnel with wet walls and sky light
A lone stork and swan 
A green train that smells like Chinese New Year fire cracker
A big bumblebee flying along
Swarm of spring flies dancing with dandelion fluff
Geometric clouds with blue skies
Uncle with blue shirt preparing for a marathon in 3 weeks
Of beer, cheese dishes and messages of love
Calling family on mother's day
Street musician playing an unknown instrument in the town square
Young children on scooters and bikes accompanied by adults that keep them motivated with howls and promises that it's not going to be that far if they keep moving 

---

Ps. This is a late post, by now 10 days has passed and life catches on :) 

Days are now filled with planning, interviews and other admin tasks. 

These memories have faded, but reading these words coloured them back. 

5月6日~~

 My last working day (Tuesday after a holiday) was uneventful 
Unlike my last working week (before the holiday) where I had graduation goggles on. 

---

Last Wednesday I went to the London office for the last time. 
The team was really sweet, they got me a handwritten card that everyone wrote, a cake, a pen, a leather book, a storage box and a nice lunch. 

I told them that I'll dearly miss the people that I work with and I meant it. 
Also made everyone go out for a 2-hour lunch as the least I can do for them, is make people eat during lunchtime. 

Last Thursday I went to the Bristol office to say goodbye to the Bristol team, but honestly, there were only a few people that I really needed to say goodbye to 

My counsellor and one of my juniors, and the both of them were there

I had a nice lunch and a nice conversation with them. I wrote Josh a thank you card. Honestly, he has been the most human person I've met in the firm. I'll be taking that away, to allow kindness and empathy to exist in a cruel corporate world.

The whole week was "handover week" for me. I.e. I don't really work on things, but rather give guidance to people, what I know about the project, and what I've learnt about the clients. So I'm on calls the whole week most days with short lunch breaks. My internet broke for a couple of days, but it doesn't matter, because all I needed was my phone. 

I also got a farewell card from the team, which was really really sweet. Kindness really is contagious, and to think it all started with the first human person I've met :) 

Vulnerability and a safe zone are established through Friday reflection calls, and the virtual world got warmer. I do hope it continues

--- 

After I said goodbye on Friday evening, I packed dinner and my bags and headed to the airport hotel. My heart was full, and emotions were there, but it felt like unfinished business.

---

I went to Amsterdam for that bank holiday weekend, though we spent 1 full day in Zaandam (Zaans Schans), and 1 full day in Lisse (Keukenhof), so technically, Amsterdam was just a resting spot. 

I met Yong Shang and KY at the airport, it was relatively quiet than how I remembered it 9 years ago.

Day 1

Zaans Schans was rainy, but we had a LOT of cheese, and saw some windmills (and learnt there was only 1 paper mill that exists and it's in Zaans Schans). We also went to the red light district, and with a newfound perspective that weed is indeed everywhere! I wonder how I missed that 9 years ago. 

Day 2

Keukenhof was beautiful where flowers bloomed, sadly due to warm weather conditions, lots of the flowers have wilted so the boat tour became a little uneventful while we look at green stems or cleared up flower beds. There is a small patch of heaven though! where there were a lot of trees and the tulips bloom just right (i.e. not under or over bloomed), rows of red and yellow beneath tall green trees. The tourists are not really seen in the pictures as they've blocked the tulips display with strings. So we took a few pictures there. 

We then went to the Van Gogh museum, Starry night wasn't around, but we got to see "the bedroom" and "sunflower" I didn't know that sunflower was only 3 colours, and that it's a mix of wilting sunflowers rather than full-bloomed ones. I do love his paintings of olive grooves, especially the one with the pink background, it has a certain sadness to it. But perhaps it's the way they've displayed the paintings. All in one exhibit. We also learnt that he wasn't renowned as a genius because he went crazy, but rather he was still a genius despite his personal mental health. What a newfound perspective :) We spent 2 hours in the museum before heading to redlight district to have nice ramen

Day 3

We went to Anne Frank's house, I've been looking forward to this for a while now. I remember reading her diary when I was young in primary school. Now that it has come to life, it brings sadness to my heart. 

The tickets were hard to come by, it's released one day a month, and we had a long virtual queue. We also aren't allowed to take pictures in it. There were 2 stories behind the bookshelf, it was amazing how this unassuming flat can take in 2 families, with a total of 8 people. It's definitely bigger than I imagined, they had a dining table, beds and one toilet. Though it is cramped for 8 people. 

She was just like all of us when we were teenagers!  So full of hope about the future, loves little keepsakes (as displayed in her room, posters that she's stuck on the wall). Cares little about the politics and more about the people around her. 

It was a sad trip. I bought an illustration postcard (which I rarely do! It's usually photos of the place) but in my head,  it draws out how she felt at the moment as she peeked out of the curtains with rays of sunshine coming in. 

We went on a walking tour later that day, which was nice! and then head home

--- 

Tuesday came...

 I sent out a farewell email, replied to a couple of messages, and picked up a phone to say goodbye to Krey. On my way out I spotted a return kit for my phone lying on top of the pile of parcels by the mailboxes. I picked it up and plopped it in my flat and headed to the office together with KY

In the office, I put in an OOO email and handed in my laptop. I also handed back my security pass to the reception, though she never really asked for it. The bristol office was pretty chill about these things I realised. 

It still felt like I haven't left, as emails continue to come in and Teams continue to ping on my phone. As I see messages about the project, it still feels that I haven't left.  

That afternoon, I rebooted my phone according to the instructions. 

A couple of buttons later, my phone went through a factory reset and my world became quiet. 

The package was still staring at me, in my head, I can't help but wonder what was going on etc. 

--- 

Wednesday came...

I didn't need to attend 9am calls, I started noticing my flat being messy. Started tidying things and keepsakes. In the afternoon, the DHL man came to pick up my phone.

That was when I realised the quietness of the world.

I was at peace and relieved. 

I started reading books again that afternoon. 

I got a nice Instagram message from an old friend that they would be happy to put me through a referral system for McKinsey if my CV is ready. 

--- 

Thursday came...

I finally picked myself up and started editing my CV from 4 years ago, most of which have changed. (even my hobbies). 

A few hours later I decide to take my CV out for a test run, applied to a couple of jobs and just sort of started my journey of job hunting. But I feel that this time is different from me 4 years ago, as I'm more relaxed, my visa doesn't depend on this, and I was aiming for an August start date anyway. 

I returned a couple of books and borrowed a couple more, also went out to drop a mail that didn't belong to me and went out to vote (1 day later Bristol no longer has a mayor, interesting how a person's life can easily go upside down) Also funny how errands grow as people become quiet.  

I went out for a run that evening and finished reading another book. Borrowed a couple more. 
I promised myself that I'll give time to myself to think about what I actually want to do. 

--- 

I'm still trying to find my footing now that my world is officially quiet. 
I think it's important that I leave time for myself to think as those will become precious and scarce when I return. 

I'm still learning what's important that I need to fit into my routine (e.g. applying for jobs, back exercises) 

and what I other things I'd like to learn or hobbies I'd like to pick-up that gives my mind some peace and quiet. 

I have trust in the process, that I'll eventually get there :) 

4月24日~~

Today I sent off KY to the bus station, he is going to Leiden first and I'll be joining him in Amsterdam on Saturday.

---

As we walked to the bus station, my heart sank and I came to a realisation that

It really is tougher when you're the one left behind rather than the one leaving. 

This isn't the first we spend a couple of days apart, but it's usually when it used to be because I needed to go to London for work. 

For once, I don't hate living close to the ground floor, at least the silence isn't deafening

---

I dropped off a couple of postcards at the post office. There was a line so I opted for the self-service counter, but the postman helped me anyway as he saw me weighing the postcards rather than clicking for stamps. He must have been thinking "lol no"

I also visited Waterstones and spent about 30 minutes there. They've changed the layout of the bookstore, so I spent some time just in awe of their newly expanded jigsaw section. 

I spotted a card that resembles St Edward's church's door at stow-on-the-wold. See picture below 

The title of the card was "Temple in the forest" with no reference to the location. It looks exactly the same, but with more leaves and a forest photoshopped into the background. So I bought it for a friend, along with a book (Factfulness) that sparked joy which I thought she'd like if she hasn't already read it :) 

I took a couple of book cover pictures, so I can test my luck with the library before I purchase them

--- 

It was a beautiful day out, as I walked out of Cabot Circus and towards the river, I was greeted with 2 rows of beautiful sakura-esque trees. The flower petals were falling (at approx. 5cm per second :3 )  I stopped to take a video and picture before I move on. I wish my family and KY were here to share this moment with me 

--- 

I stopped by the library and found 2 books that match the book covers I found in Waterstones. 

I called my parents for an hour. After that, I started reading one of the books this afternoon titled "The employees - a workplace novel of the 22nd century" 

I don't know what I was expecting, but this 130-page book was not as I expected! Rated it 3/5 stars simply because it was a bit too abstract for me. I do get the appeal though. 

When I finished - it was already 5pm and I'm hungry. So I made Laksa for dinner and pre-roasted 10 chicken thighs for the week (which I'm pretty sure I'll regret!) 

--- 

I actually started the day with a plan, to complete a draft of my reference letter and update my CV. But it turns out, procrastination hits, and I only had time for the reference letter. 

I've been avoiding these 2 documents for a while since I knew I needed them. (I even wrote a review on trip advisor for one of the shops when I was in Cotswolds before I got to it!) 
 

I guess deep down I am hesitant to move on too. Or rather, I'm afraid of what's coming next. 

There were a lot of deep breaths, and mental "now go" 's. 

Being alone for the afternoon, I allow myself to research for 30 minutes before I took another deep breath and told myself "OK YT, if you don't do it now, it'll be too late, now go!" 

---

Turns out, the first step was the hardest one. And as I started writing, I realised it was just about stringing together a bunch of feedback into 2 paragraphs. Once I've structured what I needed in each paragraph, things started moving with lots of writing and re-writing. 

At about 10.30pm, I've finished my reference letter. 

It really wasn't too bad :) 

--- 

My dragons in the merge dragons continue to harvest in the background as I tried to concentrate on my piece. And a YouTube video of people tidying and cleaning plays in the background.

I'm not too far off from my past self, where I can never concentrate in absolute silence. 

---

It's now 11.12pm as I reflected upon my day. 

The possibility was sort of endless when I left KY at the bus station. At one point yesterday, I was contemplating running to Bath from Bristol since I was not far from the cycling path, and it was early in the afternoon, I'm quite sure I can finish that 23km run. 

That is... until KY promised that he'll do it with me. 

I could have also continued my 111 places to visit in Bristol adventure, but I quickly turned that thought off. Perhaps the fear of travelling alone was still deep-rooted within me, perhaps I was just lazy. I'll never know. 

---

KY mentioned casually this morning, that my youtube algorithm flooded with marathon videos have influenced him to continue this running adventure. Twincity marathon in Malaysia seems like a possible next option! I'm excited for what the future holds :) 

---

On my 26th birthday, one of my friends gifted me a weekly planner. I started using it as a diary but instead of doing it like before (full-fledge word vomit/happiness journal). I decided to time each entry, and only wrote how I felt emotionally at that moment, what I am seeing or doing, and I can only write in 5 or fewer lines. 

So far, I've found it easier and less stressful (because some days are simply lousier / objectively less productive than others). I live a fear of disappointing my past / future self.  I've been in that habit for 7 weeks now. Let's hope I keep this up for at least the end of the year! 

---

Funny, how life can suddenly become that much more detailed and meticulous when you are alone. 
Also funny when one moment you can't imagine a moment without a partner, yet in a blink of an eye, half a day has gone by

4月12日~~

On the 10th of April 2022, we ran our first marathon. 
And it feels great! 

--- 

First, I'll copy and paste what I wrote in my Instagram, which pretty much summarises my thoughts

---

✅️ Full Marathon

It all started with watching "How I met your mother" last September. In one of the episodes, Barney Stinson said"Here's how you run a marathon. Step one, you start running. There is no step two". Not too long after, we registered for the Brighton marathon.

Unfortunately, ky.liow has been visiting the physiotherapist in the past month for his shin splints and knee injuries. Earlier this week, he was advised against participating for the marathon which we've been training for months.

We had heartbreaking contingency plans for his likely drop-out and for participating as "pedestrians"

Yesterday, we surprised ourselves with completing the 42km in 5:41:15. The crowd was so supportive, the scenery was amazing, and the compression band that KY bought helped!

What a great way to end a 7-year journey in the UK :) I'm ready to go home 🏡

#brightonhero #brightonmarathon

---

Now to elaborate on how I felt, 

1. Running a marathon is very different from training for a marathon. 

The crowd was so supportive, the energy gel/water/jelly babies/ orange slices, the adrenaline and joy from running together, and the incredible scenery! 

All these reasons combine were why we've managed to sustain a happy, adrenaline-filled run 

The marathon photos were released and I'm just all smiles in every single picture 

2. The mind wanders, a lot. 

I downloaded a couple of podcasts but ended up half-listening to my "content" and "upbeat" playlist. In the last few miles, I turned it off. 

All the while thinking how lucky I am to take part in a marathon, and wondering when my next chance might be (and if I would have another chance to do so when I go back) 

I look at the sea and went "damn, what a great time to be alive" 

I look at the people that participated, running for a diseased or sick close family/friends, running with a disability or running for a cause. I can't help but wonder, why is my reason to push myself through this pain 

Those who have ever reached a life decision on whether to move countries would have done what I did. 
We sometimes just need a little sign from ourselves, that we are stronger than we think, and we have the courage to weather what is coming our way (including a very different sort of lifestyle I've grown accustomed to)

I had a really nice conversation with a partner from Sweden today. The kind of conversations that leaves your mind wondering. It feels nice to hear from someone who knows what you're going through :) From running experiences to cultural differences. Ah, the happiness of working with people who wonders a lot too. I'll miss that when I eventually leave consulting. 

3. The mind is stronger than the body (the lower part in this context)

 With the gels and training, our upper body felt surprisingly okay. 

Since this wasn't a competitive thing, we could talk the whole way through (all 42km) 

The desire to complete is so strong, it defied my natural instincts to quit and sit down at first aid. 

A sign "you did not come this far to come this far, keep moving" struck a chord that got me moving. 

I wouldn't have done it if I wasn't focused on the reason of why I did it in the first place. 

4. When the leg hurts, it hurts a lot. 

Multiple times in the race, I felt a cramp in my calf muscles and had to stretch it out 
It may be because I wasn't used to the distance, that I'm running with a different stride/pace, or even that I'm taking breaks at less natural times (i.e. when I'm in a flow)  

At one point, I cried and told KY that I can't do this, it hurts so much I needed to walk 

And he cried too when he saw me cry, and that got me crying. (such a terrible cycle) 

I guess I hit that "imaginary wall" that everyone has been talking about in the internet. 

Mentally I wasn't in the right place, and physically my ankles hurt, a lot. 

5. It's easier to run it with a partner

Running with a partner ensures that one of you is always sane, whilst the other collapses
The constant encouragement and little goals (3-pillar strategy) from KY kept me going  

And I'm sure it was the same for it too. 

Will not recommend doing this alone unless for a very good reason and cause. Because your body goes through hell, especially hard between the 20-30 km when everything seems neither here nor there.

---

It's been 2 days since the marathon and the gorgeous spacious brighton apartment

 I'm still riding on the high and the 感动 that comes from completion 
I've been watching videos on trail running and ultramarathon. Wondering if I'll ever do that / get the chance to do that 

PS. I haven't bought the pictures yet, hence the watermarked photos. I'll be buying some as they are KIUTTTT

3月23日~~

Expectations are high, emotions are intense, 

People are getting agitated 

Yet I'm expected to keep my cool (cue West Side Story) 

A biggest no-no in the Malaysian culture in the corporate world is public humiliation

That's when you loose trust. 

I'm at that crossroad where my past values has caught up with current values of "okay let's move on"

I ended up with wasting 1.5 hours of my work day, reluctant to bounce back 

Why should I? If I'm leaving, and not caring is such an easy choice 

I look around and people are counting on me to make the right calls, but to continue that trust, I'm continually updating them on things without knowing how their responsibility will change

I listen and update my approach 

I have continuous one on one conversations, I make time for the team, even if the leadership may think I'm wasting my time 

After all, who cares if this is too fast? Just disregard and move on.  They'll catch up

I just can't do that. Kindness in a corporate

World starts with you and me. 

The team felt my silence, they asked me if I'm okay, offering me support and consolation I never expected

Without knowingly I have a team of 6 backing me up. 

Just because I have those personal relationships, calls and context irreplaceable until someone else puts in the effort to understand and care for another

I'll bounce back tomorrow, with a game plan and a refreshed perspective

But today I'll just cry and drink. 

... I'm very tired ...

This isn't sustainable ...

This can't be sustainable and I'm not the only person that felt that, because I talk to people

What good does it do to any business if both parties are sick and fed up ?

Or is everyone secretly hoping that one of us gives up ?

In that case let me revisit " bullshit jobs "... 

I finally solved the mystery why another lead I'm working with seems to be not so concerned or focused.. it's because they are seconded to another company starting next week

I guess its  matter of time until the rest of the team realised why I'm not so concerned and focused too... 

I'm leaving too... and thought I don't have to care till May

I'll see how the leadership handles this news

Knowledge and relationships are key to power

Unknowingly I'm building up both just by being kind and sincere. I guess it does pay off to be nice! With people offering me recommendations to new jobs, helping me figure out my next steps etc

It's all been really sweet. I'm still staring at the submission button for going back go another consulting job, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'll regret that? 

I need to leave .... everyone

I need sanity. Away from the shackles of a team. Etc 

3月18日~~

Just finished a client call, it was an interesting one (like a lot of others) 

I looked myself in the mirror, thinking back to that one scene from How I met your mother where Marshall and Lily walked by each "exhibit" of past marshalls and saying that these versions of Marshall is gone 

I feel like I'm seeing this version of myself going into the exhibit, the "consultant YT" that is comfortable, thriving, charismatic (at least I try) with the way she talks to the client, leading and coordinating with the team as a female leader, whilst striving to be empathetic with her daily life 

I can see her fading into the background as I try to figure out my next phase of life. 

I don't mind talking to older, experienced people with inflated ego, that's just my day-to-day job as my stakeholder list hits 67 people today. 

But what I'm scared is, these people back home, may have never seen me as who I am today. 

It's going to be tougher isn't it? 

... To be a young female, minority leader in a place where it's more conservative, more misogynistic, and where no female leaders exist before me. 

But I know my graduation goggles are on and not a sustainable way to work 

Fingers crossed for a better future! 

3月17日~~

My last working day and contract termination date is confirmed by resourcing 

Now what? 

--- 

It's a mixture of feeling
For this past week, I've received some random thank you notes

I've also got less work, less guidance, but I'm still on the project 

This is a truly weird place to be in, 

I continued to tell people that I'm leaving, The 4th person that I told was Keshie, she was my manager when I joined, and went on maternity leave in the past year, she offered to help me out with Axiata if I'm still considering it. Even help me justify relocation cost if I'm still thinking about EY Malaysia. She suggested for me to tell Jeremy, which I admitted was someone I think would have convinced me. 

The 5th person that I called was my Avi, a director whom I've worked closely. It was a quick 5 minute conversation where he said he knows that leaving a company / country is a personal choice. He is sad, but he understands. And we had a nice chat about how he felt when he left

The 6th person that called me, was Jeremy, he was my director and went full-on "consultant" with me. Telling me to think about the art of the possible and saying that they are willing to work around my "constraints" and when he heard that I may just be around for max another 1-2 years, he advised me that it is no one's business what I want to do in 1-2 years and keep it away from HR, which was really sweet of him. 

The 6th person that I called was Matt R, he is the associate partner who already knew of my leaving from other people by the time I called him. It was a short call and he offered something else no one could. An opportunity to join a project relevant to my dad's business, so at least I can get something out of EY in the next year. This was really sweet of him, and I really did think about this other option for a while

The 7th person I called today was Ben, who is another senior on the project. He was surprised but was just curious how the other people reacted. We had a nice little chat about what would happen to this project and such. 

--- 

I got pulled away to brainstorm on some use cases with KY for his Petronas interview. I'm glad my consulting brain allowed me to BS with little context and help people in one way or another lol

--- 

Anyway, I spent 3 minutes crying in between calls today. 

It's a sign that I can't stay in this industry for too long. This isn't sustainable. 
Surely, it isn't normal to time the duration of each cry and each toilet break (yes including dumps) between calls. 

I can't do this forever. 

I need a way out, but I can't see what the other option is. But I'm somehow at peace because I can see an out. This is a very very interesting feeling.  

I'm okay with being not in control. 

Also - I've been spamming "where you are" from Moana in the past few days. Claiming that it speaks to me, it's ridiculous hahah considering the context of the song. 

3月7日~~

Someone in the team got told off for not delivering with quality and on time

Said someone called me and raised their voice at me, using their blame voice

 

For the first time in my female work life, I called this out "I'm sorry this happened to you, but you don't have to raise your voice at me"

I don't know where this courage came from

Old me would have cried and died 

But somehow a little voice in me says :if you don't stand up for yourself, no one can stop this madness

Just because this person has a dick and a loud voice doesn't give them permission to make you small

Man replied with laughter "its just my voice is high" so I let it go..

When i told another friend about this, friend texted me after "rubbish, he can surely sense the tone of his voice"

I tried not to let that bother me too much, but it did. It truly did. 

And now it's night and I'm scared /upset for this to happen again. 

How often would this happen in the futute then? When I go home and find more misogynistic people with a short temper?

I got to pick up some books to help with my unease. 

3月5日~~

 "The reason why I wanted to catch up is that I'm planning to submit my notice next week"

--- 

I've been planning for this day for a while now. I always knew I was going to go quit eventually and to go home. I just never really knew when ... 

I knew that this was KY's last year in his PhD, he never really dared to stamp that date of when it'll be done, fearing what he said will impact me.  All we know is that his funding runs dry in March.

---

I reached out to people (on linked in - haha) who had left the firm, for advice on how to quit the job, particularly this team in between and had some great advice from them. A plan slowly cooked in my mind. 

---

About 2 months ago, in a random call home, I blurted out with confidence "I'm planning to tender my resignation in March, and officially leave EY in June" I'll maybe hang around for another month or so, just to say my goodbyes or until KY finishes his viva. Though I have a feeling that the latter will happen faster than he expected. I have confidence in him like that. 

--- 

About 3 weeks ago, I decided to pencil in the date that I'll announce my departure on the 11th March. I wrote on my calendar "tender day" beside the phrase "Ky's birthday" 

It was not on purpose, though to have 2 celebrations in a day. It just so happens the end of this nightmarish sprint of a project is on the 4th of March. I don't want to make a mess, so it might be better for my very long project that they swap me out now, rather than later when things are moving at 100 miles per hour again. I chose 11th because "just in case" the project runs a little longer than expected, which it did in the end. 

--- 

About 1 week ago, I scheduled a time with my counsellor. Leaving me nervous for the entire week. 

--- 

When I told my counsellor, Josh, that I'm leaving, he was shock, a little emotional, but he contained it well like any other professional. He asked me if I was considering to transfer instead. No, was my answer. (entirely blocking out all the advice my family and KY has given me of being "open" to negotiation and transfers). 

He asked me how I was feeling breaking the news to him, he asked me about my family, my boyfriend, etc. He's given me advice on getting value out of EY in the meantime... testimonials, referrals, etc.. He shared how he felt when he resigned with his old company. In that 15-minutes he did nothing but spread kindness like he always does. And with that I'm grateful for him to be the first one to break the news on. He suggested me to reach out to people in the mean time, especially to those who has fought for my career. But also to say that I've made up my mind, so no one can put me in that awkward position. 

And we promised to talk next Tuesday to know more about the resignation process. 

--- 

The 2nd person I talked to was my senior manager, who was already very exhausted from the week ahead, it ended in 5 minutes. Like Josh, he asked if it was a transfer. No, once again. I told him that I'm going home for "family reasons" he immediately understood. He responded, "You miss home." It wasn't a question, it was a statement that resonated with him too. He has, also been a long way home for a long time. 

Like Josh, he said this isn't the best piece of news on a Friday, to which I responded "better now than a Monday". He was the first person I broke the news to on the team. He thanked me for letting him know, and told me that he'll help tell my director, but I should also reach out to him too. I agreed and scheduled a call for that on Monday

---

The 3rd person I talked to was a person on the team whom I thought was most likely to takeover my role in the project. She repeatedly said "why" and started tearing up a little. She's joined the company for half a year now, moved in fresh from Malawi. I told her my reasons, we shared our stories. She told me about her experience starting a company in Malawi. The awkwardness of a female leader in the eyes of society. We bonded over shared experiences, in her words " it's going to be difficult for you to squeeze back into that box, but I trust that you'll change that!" 

I finally told her that the reason why I've been giving her tasks from my end and admitted that the morning messages came from the heart. That I have full confidence that she'll do amazing and wonders. (I usually send my message of gratitude in the mornings when I start work earlier - to some of the team members) 

--- 

I send a couple of emails out and ended my day.

---

A sense of relief came over me, I finally got it out of the system. For the first time in a long while, I slept peacefully without work dreams. 

---

Reflecting on my performance in the project in the past few weeks, I realised me having nothing to lose, (I doubt I'll see them or my clients again when I move back to SEA), made me more human for the job. 

I made jokes, I don't mind speaking to a huge crowd about something tricky or controversial, I admit my mistakes and thank clients for pointing it out. I've spoken out more, challenged more, helped out where possible (and also stopped helping when it's too much). 

--- 

I've been stretched and pulled throughout the past 2.5 years, I've grown so much and learnt that I was capable of things I didn't think I could do. 

And hopefully, those who work with me, learn that it's possible to treat others with empathy and kindness in this cold corporate world, like the leaders before me who has inspired me to do the same. 

--- 

It's tough to close the chapter with this country, but at the same time, it's exciting to start that new chapter back home. 

Life's good. Time to hit that "next" button soon, but for now, I'm going to enjoy the transition. 

2月19日

Saturday morning 6.30am 

I woke up feeling anxious and jittery, my heart is beating really quickly

My head is full of my clients' voices .. Instructions, critiques, terms that I've heard over and over again

I can't seem to shut it off

Historically after I do a nice puzzle I forget it

But not this morning 

So it seems my subconscious feels like working. 

I got to shut it down 

Got to shut it down