9月26日~~

6 working days after I returned from training in London
I got a call

===

I understand I've written a depressing note in the previous post
and by all means

I meant what I said

Yesterday, I received 2 emails
Apparently, I got sourced for a project

Granted...
it wasn't through word of mouth
I was sourced through the worst way possible

But hey, I'm not going to complain
at least I'm doing something that is more than just sitting in front of my laptop doing "training"

I'm being sourced on for two teams for the same project
which was odd. I thought it was for different things

Immediately I jumped on several calls
It's always a bit of a struggle to keep up with the jargon.

===

Yesterday night I expressed my frustration to KY

It was something depressing
could potentially lead me to trouble for stating the obvious

so I won't say it again
Some things are meant to be hushed up

===

Ignorance is bliss.
Do not talk about it if it makes people uncomfortable that you feel uncomfortable.

And my dear friends,
don't worry I know I made it sound serious.
But it probably isn't

But it just is in my little mind, all tied up with what I was hopeful for when I was in uni

===

Today was the first day I went to the client site
I'm not surprised by what I see

At least
I feel welcomed :)

Although, I'm still conscious about my surroundings

===

10 mins of sitting down
I got a call

I got transferred to another project team that called me yesterday on a role that is more suited for me

===

I got to brief a few things to the person who was taking over my place
I packed my bags thank people for their hospitality
and moved across the hall

I'm welcomed again

This time, the person let me know what was on my mind this whole time
He understands how I felt

Does he feel out of place at some point as well?
I felt .. more at home?
Comfortable with what I'm dealing with

He reminded me of a manager I was once working with
one that is approachable, down-to-earth, patient and understanding

A sense of familiarity flooded upon me

I think, I'll enjoy it here :)

9月23日~~

So we found the £3 bookstore
and went to the central library opposite me

===

I took Miriam to the Asian restaurant today
she told me she felt out of place

I guess this was how I've felt as well

===

Sometimes, it can feel quite lonely 

The non-EU staff in the office is mostly not on my side of the office
And when we do cross paths
It feels like a silent understanding of "Hey, we made it"

Or at least, I've felt that way
Maybe, I wanted to feel that way

People who don't suffer from the Tier 2 visa labour market tests
don't seem to understand
how grateful I am to even be here

They don't have to understand
but sometimes it doesn't seem ... fair?

Have been working my way through life for a while now
Like a lot of my peers

Taking a gap year is not one of those things you can just take with a heartbeat without thinking about the consequences of being less than desirable in the labour market test

===

I got myself a few books
Looking at my bookshelf
I can't help but wonder who I have become or who I am

There are books related to cooking, design, strategy, finance, romance, history, politics, classics and more

Who am I?
Who am I living for?

A quick look at my CV, people tell me that it's impressive
but to me, it just looks lost
even when I hear myself talk about my past internships
I can see that I was a lost chap

===

This "on-the-bench" time is not helping with helping me figure out what I am
in the office, I read about disruptive technologies
which took me back to the research I've done for my interviews with Barclays
but I can't say it

I recently just started on a book about Brexit
whilst I wonder if I am even allowed to step into the government office to help out with any of those
since I'm InTeRnAtIoNaL

Even my BRP (right-to-work document) has yet to come
HR has been chasing me about getting a national insurance number which comes with the BRP
and seniors told me there are limitations to the projects that I can take on

At least, they're honest

===

There was a saying that I love,

Back home, we are taught to be modest with our achievements. Not to question authorities, not to toot our own horn. They don't get that it's culture. 

Up until coming to that point, I thought I was the only one that felt that way.
I felt ... weirdly understood

despite shaking heads and apologetic promises from people of white about how un-diverse the older workforce could be

I understand that I'm not allowed to pinpoint people of colour

But acknowledgement is the first step to fix a problem, how can I help when I'm constantly well-conscious of who I am

• Is my accent weird? Do they understand me?
• Am I too straightforward with the way I do things? 
• Would they get my point, if I get to the point?
• Would my food smell?
• Am I flaunting my hands too much, is it too little? 
• Am I too exotic for people's taste?

and many more

it does feel lonely when you're on the darker side of the spectrum despite being yellow

Desperately clinging onto anything that feels like home

and pretending that I belong, when I clearly do not. 

One of the better times I've seen, is when people were talking about technology, and the senior says "Well done" while looking in my direction 

I was the most vocal when that happened.

Funny. How when I feel like I lack the understanding in technology and people were sitting there saying "I'm not a tech person, I don't know"

Funny. How when I think I'm not well versed in Excel and people tell me that they are good with data analysis in Excel when they can't even add a new column without a mouse. 

===

From one of my seniors, it is to my understanding that one of us is not supposed to be here. 

Given that the other came from an internship program. I'm quite well aware that it would be me who'd be rejected despite the surprisingly good feedback I got from the assessment centre. 

Was I the last of everyone's pick? 

Was that why I'm not assigned a project?
Do people not trust me because of my nationality, ethnicity or my culture?
Am I just hired because of the face of diversity? 

Based on my understanding, as ignorant as I may sound, I do believe that I can bring value to their projects. 

I start having questions that can't be answered ... 

Maybe it's just a phase. 

Maybe I should just try to find people who can understand.

It feels like June from the Handmaid's tale

As she walks around trying to find another handmaid who can understand her without having to spell things out 

Or maybe ... 

Just maybe ... 

I should see a doctor 

9月18日~~

Home after dinner with Nic and Adi 

This is my 2nd time meeting Adi, he's just one of those guys that's really approachable and friendly

The one guy whom you just hit it off really easily

Who doesn't really ask you what you're talking about despite your accent and the way you behave

I feel comfortable around people like that :) 

I have my potpourri in the oven

and I'll be prepping for dinner soon after I take a shower

Just one of those days with an early end and I feel blessed to not be commuting 

and have some time for chores

to finally give my small suitcase a rest after all those weeks of being used

===

We were in London on Monday and Tuesday and I'm back in Bristol today 

The first day in office was pretty chill 

Going through all those internships gave me the expectation that it's okay to chill a bit more for the first few days 

but of course, I'm pretty surprised when I was told that this could last for up to 2 months. 

Damns

===

Apparently, I'd know more about the details of my next engagement soon, today or tomorrow? 

But I'm not too sure. 

At this point, I'm expecting myself to travel during the weekdays

Trying to get a project in Exeter, if not in London

If I need to travel. I'd rather it be somewhere I want to be instead of being in the middle of nowhere :)

Things are good. So far so good. 

For some god damn reason, I'm less conscious about my culture, my accent, the way I stumble through some words and sentences when people caught me off-guard as compared to when I'm with my peers

People don't lean in and say "WHOT"

and they made an effort to call me by my name so far

or at least pay the same amount of attention to me as compared to my peers

so that's good :) 

I'm not ready to change my name and give up my identity just yet

Let me hold on to it

===

I get so tired around 9.30pm these days

That's insane

9月15日~~

Hello :) 

I understand I haven't been super active on my blog for a while

But, lots of milestones have been achieved so far :D

So my parents came over for 3 weeks. It was a sweet treat for me

I can't believe that the first thing I did was ask them how their flight was

when the first thing I should be doing was to give them a big hug and telling them how much I miss them

I guess that's what happens when you're constantly guarding on your emotions.

The trip was pretty sweet :) though I spent a lot of my nights away from my parents (i.e. in different rooms) which wasn't too ideal. 

The Isle of Skye was gorgeous, I got to go on the Hogwarts express which was a dream come true. I can't tell you how grateful I was 

I enjoyed the scenery a lot :) And I wished that KY was around to share the moments with me too 

Then, we went to Liverpool. I initially thought it would be a fun-filled trip, but it was more like a breather on the trip. It was nice knowing more about the Beatles, which was one of KY's favourite band for a while now. Makes me miss him that much more. 

I get to meet a few friends while I was in London. Sophia was on her trip to the UK from the US.
I was grateful for that :) 

I haven't met her in a while now, and we used to be very close :) 

It was nice being able to talk to her, although staying up till 3 am just to go to Duck and Waffles wasn't ideal for my schedule ( I was on a morning train the next day) 

But it was nice :) Just like old times :)

Some things that I'll miss the most actually :) 

Then, graduation came. 

It was surreal. I nodded to my professor thanking him for the good grade and good time he gave me during research. In hindsight, he was a very good mentor. 

Funny, how four years, lead to that very brief moment on stage.

The person who sat next to me was Alex, part Swedish part Japanese (apparently! I only learned that about him during the ceremony)

I used to not like him too much because of a thing he said to me when we were working in a group "Work for me next time"
Now that I know he is lost an unemployed. I feel bad for thinking that :(
And I only wish the best things to happen to him :((( 

YX and RJ were there too, dragging me to places to take pics.
KY and I had a pretty good pic there on the bridge.
On hindsight again, it was a romantic picture. And I have very good friends who don't cringe when they took the photo and asked me to do it again and again until they got the angle right.

I remember the look on KY's face as we leaned in for a kiss on camera for the first time

and I remember the look on RJ and YX's face when we took the picture
It was surely sincere happiness for us...

I know now, that they'll definitely be on the invitation list to the wedding if they'd like to :) 

I am very lucky to be surrounded with friends that stuck with me till the very end from the very beginning and I'm very grateful for that.
HX and GY gave me their gifts and cards :) 

Matthew came even though he doesn't have to
JJ asked me if I'd join him for the last musical he'll watch in the UK 

damns, things just for emotional 

Yet, my last night was still spent with the most important people in my life
My parents and KY.
The real heroes behind all these

The ones who provided me with the $ support, emotional support and knows me the most

Who listened and held my hand as I cried, who celebrated the best day of my life.

We travelled to Bristol on the same day 

Ready for the first day of my adult life the very next day
(Also, I skipped the first day of my work. Funny stuff)

I messed up the travel schedule apparently... 

Idk how still. 

But in the end, KY helped out and when I got back from the office, we had a quick dinner at my place (completely skipping the Exeter trip), and went to London after. 

I was grateful again, 

the last time I "cheers" with my dad

the last time I said I love you to my mom 

and the last time I said goodbye to them at the airport

Oh, I miss them so :') 

We went to take a nap back at travelodge before we go into central to meet some of our friends.

Geyin came to find us at Koya, and we paid a visit to Guan and RJ and YX's place.

It was nice feeling nothing has changed.
But once 5pm comes, we had to go back to Bristol. 

====

Monday the 9th came..
I travelled to Wokingham

and KY came with me

He helped me with organising my stuff and carrying my luggage 

while he embarked on a journey to Exeter

And by the end of the week, 

he came to Bristol. What a surprise on 中秋节 !! :) 

I whispered to him how much I loved him and how much more I do while we danced to songs on my Spotify playlist. 

What a treat!

Right now, my man is in York right now, for his first-ever PhD Presentation! 

Words can't explain how proud I am. :)

Our weekend was well spent.
After a week of waking up early and sleeping early

I managed to do the same on the weekends

We got to visit Cabot Circus and also walk around the £3 pound bookstore which we were eyeing on for a while since I first moved to bristol 


It was perfect :) 

===

Personally, everything is surreal at the moment

I struggled with the difference in culture

I small-talked with a lot of people 

I cried at how much I am "in-between" the Asian and Western culture, 

But it's actually not too bad :)

Miriam who is another Advisory graduate from Bristol is actually a very genuine person

She is a person of principles and denies sleeping late at night. Something which I should learn saying no to. Thankfully, with her by my side, it's easier for me to say "Thanks guys, but I'll see y'all in the morning. " She was born in Italy, studied in Aberdeen, exchanged in Washington and interned at EY Aberdeen. 

I appreciate how much she has opened up to me despite how little we know about each other.
I do enjoy her company. And I'm looking forward to hosting her for dinner :)

I met a really relatable person named Monday. She's half south african, half british. She's also a graphic designer and pursuing her dreams at EY-Seren. Looking forward to more conversations :)

Preeti is a very warm person, it's agreed within our friends. It's hard not to feel protective over her.

Debbie from Hong Kong, she's a person which I can bond over the Asia culture from. 

====

Idk why but I reflected on how far I've gone from  7 years ago.
Not a very long time. 

But when I looked at what I've wrote from then,
It seems apparent how much I've changed and for the better as well.

Darling, I appreciate you more than ever. :)
I wish you were here with me

or I was there with you in York.
You're the one I was looking for ... 

My troubles seem to all disappear once you hold me tight in your arms

And I love that about us. 

The warmth, the long looks into each other's eyes. etc

I look at the roses we folded for each other

and I can't wait for our future :) 

I love you darling

very very much 

much more than you can ever imgagine