and for those who has to live with my flaws and imperfections..
they'd have known .. my unreasonable fear of travelling alone at night
At some point, this is more like a phobia for me.
Here's a story of how it feels like to have this "fear"..
---
"Are you sure you're still going out tonight?"
Chris asked me as I was getting ready to go out at 11.30pm tonight
Night tubes don't run on weekdays. And that means my means of travels will be limited to buses or uber, since we stay quite far.
But today is winter solstice, in chinese tradition.. that means reunion dinners..
that Chris wouldn't be used to nor understand
Today, I need someone to be there ..
---
At 12.45am we parted ways,
Rui Jian, Yu Xian and Han Yang offered to walk me to the bus stop
Great, at least part of my journey is accompanied.
I'm very grateful to that.
On the streets of London,
I see a lot of people making out in public
saw an elderly man kissing a clearly underage girl
the smell of weed in the air reminds me of Camden where I lived last year.
Someone called out to us, in a weak feeble voice "Hello"
This reminds me of all the times people called out to me when I walked home at midnight last year
cat whistling, verbal sexual harassment, you know the drill ...
I beckoned my company to walk a little faster and they did, making sure I'm around them.
Or at least, I made sure I'm as close to them as possible despite the blisters on my feet
---
1.02am I boarded the bus,
I thanked Rui Jian for waiting at the bus stop for me, and asked him not to follow me home
It was redundant for anyone really.. to accompany home .. since the distance made it hard
The bus ride I've chosen was the shortest according to citymapper
43 minutes, 43 stops ..
I knew this was going to be a long one ...
--
I went upstairs hoping that there'd be empty seats for 2
I don't really favour the idea of sitting next to strangers in the middle of the night
unfortunately, I'd have to
I move to the back of the bus, and that's when my heart dropped a little
I saw a guy
all covered up .. a scarf around his mouth.. and very very thick clothes
a little too toasty I think .. for this bus that lacks of air ventilation
The seat I've chosen was diagonally a row in front of him.
Beside a guy that seems like a visitor to this city,
In his hands, he hold an iphone that shows him the journey of the bus ride.
He seems pretty harmless..
With all my efforts, I tried to disregard him and several unfriendly faces on the bus
turned on the music and started reading "Marble Collector" by Cecilia Ahern..
----
1.30am
more people boarded the bus
I can't believe so many people travels at such ungodly hours, that the bus was almost full
but then again, I was one of them
in a very uneasy way, I feel that I stick out like a sore thumb,
my senses more sensitive than ever
some of the passengers are in deep sleep
allowing the rhythm of the bus to lull them
I never understood how people felt that public transport can be save when they are alone
the person that is sitting on my left with a beer on his hand moved forward a row after bidding goodbye to the guy all covered up
He reminded me of a close friend
one that I wish will never turn out like this guy
The smell of Asian food was very strong
and nothing seems to change
--
A few stops later
more people got on the bus than to get off the bus,
I heard people talking over my slightly tuned-up music, they seem to be very happy
I looked up, they were trying to find places to sit down but the top deck was full
the guy had very deep dark-eye circles on his pale skin
as if he hasn't slept for days
If I hadn't known better, I'd have thought he was just tired,
The bunch passed by me, an overpowering body odour stenched the air,
definitely haven't bathed in a very long time..
--
1.45am
Breathe Yee Ting.. Breathe..
Focus on your books .. Focus on your music ...
---
Through the corners of my eyes I saw ..
The guy in the beer made gun actions in the air while listening to music
I'm a little afraid of him and what he might do
Reminds me of the attack in Berlin Christmas Market
My heartbeat started to pump faster
--
"Calm down.." I tell myself
This is ridiculous..
--
There he goes again, making more gun actions
that it feels like he is pinpointing at people in front of him
I feel very helpless
why is no one noticing this??
--
1.48am
A guy came up and wanted to sit beside the guy with the beer
who was reluctant and pointed to the empty seat beside the guy in a tux that is clearly asleep
There were no verbal communication
but in the end he gave up the empty seat beside him
and shot deadly stare to the guy that just came up
I couldn't help but look through the corner of my eye
...
I realized the guy all covered up was wearing pink rubber gloves..
now why would someone do that? Is he deceased? Where are his family? Where is he going? Why does it seem like he is friends with this crazy guy with a beer bottle?
His eye shine like a persian cat in the dark ...
I don't dare to turn my back around
fearing that he might be looking at me
--
1.49am
The guy with the beer bottle was clearly annoyed that he was seated with someone else
he knocked his beer bottle against the window sill 3 times while staring at him
it was loud enough to draw my attention that was clearly not there anymore
I looked around
no one seems to give a damn
except the guy beside me, he looked at him for a bit
with a concerned facial expression
clearly he is a nice guy
but like me he is helpless
--
1.52am
c'mon .. just 10 more minutes and I'm home
--
1.58am
Nothing is wrong, but the longer this ride is..
the worse I feel...
I start to fidget around my seat
My attention drifted more and more away from my novel and music to my surroundings
--
2.03am
I'm finally at Tottenham Hale Bus Station
I quickly pressed the button and tried my best to walk in a calm composed manner
--
I'm glad that my accommodation is just 3 minutes away from the bus station
Now I have to get pass my fear of the people on the road
I was always jumpy when I walk
Had unpleasant experiences when I was walking alone..
--
Before the break-up I used to text him when I travel alone
keeping myself engage, while he calmed me down
It was obvious that he didn't really know how to talk about this
all he said was "I can't do much, but stay safe please" "Be careful dear" "Why travel so late when you know you're so scared?" "Travel earlier next time"
It was short concise messages
but the response time was always very swift
as if he knew the company was all that matters to me
I used to cry ..
and call people up
when I get hit on in the streets
When I say people.. I meant him
he knew my flaws
and is less likely to tease me about this
it was unreasonable,
my friends wouldn't understand nor is it something to be compassionate about
--
I saw through a shadow running towards me
It was hooded
I held my breathe as the person nears me and jogged pass me
I let out a sigh of relief
but it became slightly intense breathing that I did not like
More shadows surrounded me ...
it's just my shadow
cast from different angles by several streetlights
a few people walk past me
each time, I held my breath
hoping they won't sense my uneasiness
--
After incidents of strangers talking to me on the streets,
I decided to put on earphones whenever I travel alone,
To be oblivious
was the plan
If one is oblivious to the things around him/her
it never happened
if you can't hear people talking to you
they aren't talking to you
besides
most of it is mainly verbal sexual harassment
--
I walked faster
and reached my room with quicker footsteps than earlier
I knew I needed to rest
but my mind still wandered
my heart still thumping
--
I calmed myself with music
and I tell myself
it's okay ..
someday you won't need to walk alone anymore
someday you'll meet someone that will be understanding of your flaws and is there physically to help you overcome those fears
someday you'll meet someone that will love you enough to make your safety their priority.. no matter what..
someday .........
--
and yet I still wonder what's holding me back :')
