11月29日~~

Short break

===

Had a talk with a few people for a while

How far are you willing to go for your partner?
What do you value the most?
What's the absolute tie-breaker?

The comfort of university is leaving us in due time
And we're all planning our next step

What would you choose? Love, money or dreams?

Sure you would argue it depends on your values
or that these things are interdependent, or the golden question of "why not all?"
there's gotta be an optimal value somewhere?

The truth is
it is, and will always be a constant compromise between different factors.
It all depends on how we prioritise things.

Yes, things would have been different
but what are personal goals
when I know there's something bigger in stall for me?

I have constantly taken joy from work achievements,
reached contentment from being together with my loved ones

The sort of passion involved is different but intense.

So what do I want to be? passionate about my work? or content with my loved ones?

I looked around for answers and searched my past for lessons to be learnt
I knew that having strong affinities to jobs that I'm on
was taxing to me and my partner. And more often than not, it stresses and strains a relationship

This time, I know there is no way I would make the same choice.

===

It puts a tear in my eye,
to think that the people I love, love me just as immensely
they were so supportive to my decisions
My parents were supportive for me to try EY Bristol,
KY was supportive to me going to more assessment centres or taking a job further away or getting a job elsewhere

I knew that I'm truly loved as equally or even more than how much love I have for them
They constantly put my dreams ahead of theirs, a green-card to be selfish for myself

===

But what if, I don't want to be that person?
I don't want to keep going upwards and onwards
I don't want to get a job forever
I want to get a family
settle down, quit my job, and make time for my family
Isn't that a blessing in itself?
What if, I never really had big dreams?
And was always going with the flow and see where life takes me, working hard wherever I am

However, I just can't shake the thought that
What if I do? What if I want to?

Was I just scared or simply never considered a life if I remove everyone from my life?
That's probably it anyway.

===

I won't say that I'm at my best performance when I'm in a relationship
but I do become extremely human when I'm in one

===

If my life ends now,
what would my most grateful thing be?

Would work come into mind first? Would dreams come into mind first? Or would the people that I love come into mind first?

I guess it's going to always be the people.
For without them, there is no purpose.

===

I remember my high school teacher asking us a question

"Would you like to be frozen when you're old and sick, and wake up in another 100 years when a new treatment is invented?"

The question around the class was quite instinctively a "Yeah, why not?"

But what she really meant to ask was "Is a world without the people you love, a place you'd like to be in?"

Growing older and having more appreciation towards the people around me.
My answered would have taken a different spin.

===

There must be a reason why my heart flutters every time I see you,
and counting down to taking long train rides get me excited,

You, are my choice.

From here on till the future, for as long as I can,
every decision I make will be for you, and for us.

===

If I die today, I die knowing that my love for you and for my family, is constantly expanding like the universe
And that love, is constantly reciprocated
And that's all that matters.

11月25日~~

Name 3 things that you're grateful for

1. You
2. Being in the same country as you
3. Knowing that you're grateful for me too


===

It's very easy to want more
to have the desire for more

but it's also nice to know
that there isn't a pressure to do so

and I know that I'll be loved even if I don't get it

===

You are my end goal
but do I have more goals?

That's a question that only I can answer
yet answering it is something I'm scared of
I don't want to drive another relationship away

What if I do? I'm such an extreme person
I need to get a job that I half-love so I don't spend my every waking moment thinking about it
but is it just a cowardly attempt to cover-up my fear?

I don't know
but I do know that I'm scared

11月23日

12.13am

While I type out my report, I have been replaying songs on YouTube

I had this flashback to Year 2

To the times when I used YouTube replay for a few songs
我的爱，天黑黑，我怀念的etc
Around a month or so after I had my heart broken from a long relationship

I would turn off the light, lie on the table
and listen to the songs while I stare at the street lights outside, into distant memories

I would cry myself to sleep
and wake up to the same songs

I repeated this for a few nights

===

How things have changed
I'm in my Year 4 now
and as I walk home at night with headphones on and a shared Spotify account
I heard a sudden cut in my songs to "La Vie En Rose"

I knew he was on the other line
And I can't help but smile :)

Damn, I'm a lucky girl.

Listening to the songs, I see distant memories
2 years ago, I wouldn't have known that I could fall so deeply in love
with a man that is probably much more in love than I am,
so much so that he bought a bus ticket to London last weekend when I was about to leave Exeter

And he is coming tomorrow :)
He worked so hard the whole week, just to come to London tomorrow.
When I open my eyes tomorrow, tomorrow will be the end of a weekly countdown to what gives sense to everything.

What a great feeling innit? :)

11月19日~~

Research is driving me crazy
Both NICE and my Research Project Module. 

Please may this week be over soon.

PS. I had 3 cups of coffee today.
Is this a cry of desperation? 

Feeling Attacked

Sometimes, I feel attacked

===

Is it wrong to want to get a job?
Is it wrong to want to go to my brother's graduation?

People at their jobs sometimes forget about the most important priority
People lack of understanding of what's right and from what the rules say is right

===

Sometimes, I feel a little helpless

===

No one is giving me anything to work on, no room for compromise
on something that requires compromise

it's my quiz or a job
it's my presentation or a family's graduation ceremony

it sounds ridiculous
a lack of compassion almost
that is very disappointing and negative to me

I feel like responding to the people with powerful words and statements
instead
I was the one who's not firm and willing to compromise

It's all just a power game in the end.

===

One thing for sure, I have a deadline at 9am tomorrow.
I still have a report to write.

Tears are shed but sadness do not have the time to stay.

I called my parents
they were understanding

I feel like I should go 'f u people, I know what's right for myself'
yet the scaredy cat in me is still afraid

11月14日~~

2.25am 

So it begins again huh? 

The process of drinking tea, taking naps and sleeping late

now that's university for me 

I called KY at 10.30pm

for a very short call of less than 5 minutes

He could tell that I was very stressed out

As a result, he stayed till 1am for me

doing my coursework coding for me

I have flashbacks to CNY

He knew I had a huge deadline coming soon,
the date was 15th December 

One day after my birthday
I remember that clearly

He told me that he will turn off silent mode from his phone
in case I need him

My family and relatives just blew me a cake, which was very very very sweet 

but I'm afraid I was too stressed to thank everyone and talk to everyone 

deep into the middle of the night, I started crying and breaking down
I can't seem to get the results I want 

I called KY 

He picked up 

He turned on his laptop 

and did it for me 

made sure I was okay 

before he goes back to sleep 

These are the things that remind me that 

I'm loved. 

Truly. Deeply. Unconditionally. 

it's 2 in the morning, I just finished my video interview with Newton Europe
And I know, deep down in my heart, that this is a no-go and a waste of time. 

And all I can think about .. is him

I can't wait for Friday,
the long train ride didn't really bother me
Because I knew he would be waiting for me when I reach the station :) 

11月11日~~

It was our anniversary yesterday

and it's the end of reading week today 

===

Last Saturday I went to Exeter,
finished a couple of online interviews (PwC and KPMG), had meetings with my supervisor

came back on Wednesday 

went to Atkins on Thursday, had cakes and bubbles on the same day with YX and HY

then on Friday, you visited

we celebrated our anniversary on Saturday

I sent you off to the station on Sunday, and I had gyoza with the flat at night 

Here, marks the end of my reading week 

=== 

Every time I go to Exeter,

it's like a quick getaway from life

I could focus on work, I could focus on myself, I could focus on you

When I get back to the hustle and bustle of London, 

I can't help but feel pressured to move fast, but with you by my side, I slow down and enjoy moments

===

The night before of our anniversary,
I came to fetch you with a sign saying "KY" with niaoniao bear on it and us on the side
I gave you a card, we watched "white chicks" and had German Beer

we definitely had better shows to watch, but I just couldn't help it 

It was nice to be hugged to sleep and waking up to being hugged :) 

On our anniversary we went to the Breakfast Club, the huge bookstore in Charing cross

where you bought me a book

went home to chill
you bought me flowers

we went out for dinner at Spring, Somerset Houes

and I took you to a jazz bar 

My phone was constantly at 30%, yet I didn't wanna check it as often as I usually do 

I enjoy my every moment with you, talking to you on the most random thing

And when I see you enjoying yourself in the jazz bar

I looked at you, just looked at you
you were closing your eyes, tapping to the music on one hand, and holding mine in another 

you were swaying to the beats and didn't want to go home until everything is finished

 

I think to myself, that I will never want to forget this ever 

===

Thanks for being absolutely amazing :)