10月27日~~

7.18am - 

Exactly one year ago on this day, we ran the full marathon at sunmoonlake in Taiwan and experienced our first earthquake post-run. 

And today, we are going to check-in the hospital before we meet our little bou tomorrow. 

Life changes and moves fast. 

As I woke up today, I wondered to myself, is this the last time I'm going to feel this way? Worry-free, and only doing mental math on what time I slept last night + what time i woke up today just to answer "have I slept enough as a person on a holiday"? 

---

10月24日~~

I'm scheduled for a caesarean section next Tuesday

I had a week of mental preparation but it's only confirmed today. Last Friday, we found out that he is in breech position but the amniotic fluid was low, so his chances of turning is lower. 

I'm relieved that there is a yes/no answer to how will I give birth and when I will give birth (down to the hour and day)

I'm worried if he'll be healthy, but then again, I've been worried since the start of the pregnancy, so I assume this will be a lifetime of worry. 

I'm worried if he will turn out fine, but i also assume this is a lifetime of worry. 

You know what's surprising? Before I got pregnant, I thought I'd be more engrossed about losing myself, but it's overshadowed by the worry and excitement of what's next. 

Humans are really wired to make sure that the next generation is healthy huh? Fascinating. 

--

My belly is harder everyday, it feels more like a ball that is not mine

10月2日~~

In the last 2 days I realised that I tired much more easily. 

It only takes a thinking meeting or anything that requires brain power to completely exhaust me. 

In fact, I stay exhausted for the rest of the day and in a state of daze. 

At first I thought it was from low blood sugar. 

Drank milo which helped a little, but i immediately went back to low-energy mode, without the energy to get thinking.

It's really bad. 

 Colleague suggested that I be kinder to myself given I have another month till I deliver. 

--

Oh ! And my blood sugar level is getting higher at night although the way I consumed food hasn't really changed.

The doctor was right, what works a week or 2 ago may not work anymore. I just got to keep experimenting. 

So I guess I need to eat even lesser at night and earlier too. 

 Fascinating 

9月29日~~

Have been so focused on pushing things through the door it completely slipped my mind that I'll be semi-off starting next week by working from home!

It wasnt until my team and my boss said it this morning only I realised it. 

That's crazy. 

Time to let motherhood take the front row seat soon rather than work

9月25日~~

You know what I realised? 

I'm really REALLY into songs that sings about how negative emotions in an upbeat happy song

Because that really captures how we cope all the time. 

Anne Marie just released "depressed" and I'm already replaying it like all of AJR songs. 

It's not just the English songs. 孙燕姿also has a couple of these like 180度. 

Amazing how they make me both wanna cry and laugh at the same time

9月18日~~

What I've learnt about myself in the past week of tracking my blood sugar. 

Is that I can control myself on the buffet line, but i can't when i have a home-y bowl of pan mee in front ot me. 

So I end up overeating that instead of the buffet. Hilarious

9月13日~~

Getting GDM counselling yesterday and getting tagged with the glucose tag, truly is something else. 

I read the pamphlet, and saw the strict glucose level for pregnancy ladies, which means I've already failed 2 meals .. the 1 hour after eating my first bite. Though, 2 hours after it was fine. 

My heart dropped, disappointment reigned. Once again, my body has failed me. Tears well up. 

First my stretch marks and now this?

I hear it already, "you just need to try harder"

And i cant help but think, maybe that is right. 

Surely, fatigue, Emotions and pregnancy hormones is just an excuse at some point. I should be able to function logically like my non-pregnant self, push harder, be less tired, move more. .....

But until then. I'm just sad

 

9月11日~~

It's 12.35am

I'm still winding down from the day after finishing work 45 mins ago. 

For the first time today, I really tried to touch and feel my belly. 

My baby boy toss and turns lightly in my stomach. No kicks, so he's probably changing position to map after kicking me during office hours.

What a feeling to share with my baby in the depths of the night. I'll miss these days. 

9月8日~~

Being sick whilst 7 months pregnant is not fun. 

Doctors are cautious with the medicine they would usually prescribe, which means it's taking me (someone who runs to get medicine at any sign of weakness) a longer time to recover. 

I've been at this since Thursday. It's been 5 days now. Nothing but a common cold. But what's common has brought me down. 

That + the physical discomfort of third trimester is hard. The indigestion, the bladder squeeze, leaky nose and cough fits is too much for me. I'm so sticky all the time, now that air conditioning makes my nose uncomfortable. 

I know moving about should help, but im so tired all the time. I can't get myself to walk about with this extra 9 kg (and growing) i'm carrying 

Now absolutely everything can be an ordeal. 

People asking me what baby gifts to get, arranging for stem cell, calling for my diabetes appointment (i have mild GDM, sadness). I put them off to the very last minute, it's ridiculous but also on brand. I'm known to put things off when it's only for me and i know it's not urgent. 

8月20日~~

I am very good at people pleasing but very bad at standing up for myself when being taken advantage of

In the past, I've relied on bosses to help me right my "wrong" (re-overenthusiasm)

But today, I undid my mistakes myself. 

It's a silly thing to celebrate on but I'm very happy with what I've achieved. 

It's just a little sad that when I look around I don't have a lot of people to high 5 on my small win. 

I've climbed the corporate ladder as fast as I could and it will only get lonelier. 

If I skipped a couple of lessons, and only complete them in the later levels. I need to remind myself that learning it alone can seem hard but never impossible. 

--

On a different note, I'm more tired than ever in my 3rd trimester.

8月19日~~

I'm in my third trimester.

Can you believe it?

I feel more tired than before, easily exhausted.

It's getting harder to give 101% at work, and I'm toning this down and letting things slip.

My baby's kicks are more profound.

He knows how to aim for my bladder now before bed so that's tough on my sleep

My husband is loving as ever. 

My colleagues are understanding. 

I'm frequently imagining myself with my baby boy. Not just as a baby, but as a toddler, a kid. 

I stop talking about giving up work. 

But I'm sure those emotional thoughts will resurface. 

I can't imagine how maternity leave will look like yet, but I will hold on to those moments with the tiny family we've built.

8月10日~~

Pregnancy hormones are fascinating. 

My emotional maturity slipped by 20 years,

whilst equipped with highly over protective instincts.

I don't know how to explain this further, on the outside i look the same (side from the pregnancy belly)

But on the inside, I'm overly emotional, and therefore prone to being gullible, at every subject. My imagination goes wild at every headline or every casual statement swung my way. 

And if the conversation or subject even slightly related to the safety of my son or my husband, my emotional reaction erupts. 

Evolution is fascinating. 

I know people still expect me to have adult conversations on controversial subjects and expect me to have the same adult conversation pre-pregnancy, but it's harder when I'm highly sensitive now, and it's not something I can control

I know its hard to believe, but I don't know how else to put it.

Just, wow, the brain does change. 

7月17日~~

Today I lost my temper at a proposal team

Aside from the usual frustration when people keep giving me subpar unchecked things, it makes my blood boil when someone of a leadership position decides to just let things run and tells me to "let him know" when it's done, despite him being the one owning it. 

I loudly said "what an asshole" at work. (Of course behind someone's back)

I really rarely do this, if ever. 

I complained to my family, who reminded me to be delicate when handling these situations. 

After a nice dinner and shower I thought to myself, actually... why was i pissed off?

If someone decides not to own up to something why does that make me angry? I thought about an ex boss who has higher standards than me, worked with harder colleagues than me. And that's when it clicked, they never lost their temper. They just took it up upon themselves to fix it, and naturally the owner can't keep up with what's right and wrong and has to keep them in the know and therefore in the circle. 

Is that the right way to do things instead? They did get promoted at a younger age. 能者多劳, is something I've been avoiding, is it something I should embrace?

Should I be less petty, and just suck it up to do the right thing? 

Maybe not always, i really don't like these 11 -13 hour workdays, nor can I keep up with them anymore. (Pregnancy has made it harder, and frankly, I have been thinking about whether I have the right priorities in life)

I'm going to be more conscious about picking my battles and winning the war. The war of a happy, successful life. 

7月6日~~

Random thought, can my baby feel my heartbeat?

How does that feel? 

6月25日~~

Came across this quote and thought how it absolutely captured the essence of how I'm feeling lately. 

And it is wonderful :)

6月23日~~

My baby kicks at night, or rather that's when I felt it. 

What used to feel like a flutter now feels a bit more powerful. 

It's 11pm and my husband is fast asleep

Yet here I am after a long work day, smiling ear to ear at this special moment that I share with my little baby boy inside me.  

6月17日~~

Wavering ambition

...

I find myself happy with what I have, 

Struggling to do more than I should 

It seems like I'm perfectly okay to be average

And starting to say "no" or "I'll do this tomorrow" or "he won't notice"

It's an odd colour on me, 

I've always been a hard worker,

I've always gone the extra mile, 

I've always tried to be comprehensive. 

And only functioning during working hours feel like I'm cheating the system. There's no more training/reading/learning after work. 

Just brain rot. 

And thinking maybe this should be it, maybe this is life, maybe i don't need to have a "fulfilling career".

It could also help the hormones talking. 

6月11日~~

The daily mishaps of a pregnant lady. 

Today I tried to do time difference maths. 

Thailand is 1 hour behind Malaysia

And the meeting starts at 8am Thailand time

Which is supposed to mean 9am Malaysia time

But I thought it was 7am, luckily I made the mistake first before waking up too early 

But the C levels saw my mistake and corrected me

I'm so embarrassed....

6月10日~~

Being a bloated pregnant lady impacts my work quality. 

Just today, right after work I felt so bloated I walked to the pharmacy to get pills and came back. 

The walk didn't help, and the pills only helped mildly. 

I couldn't focus at work, it was a struggle. 

I left work early, with hopes I get better after some rest and I can get work done

Unfortunately, things are still bad after dinner. 

And I still can't focus. 

I watch another pseudo-deadline slip through my fingers

It's not serious to miss one of these, but they tend to accumulate. 

I'm a little sad that I'm like this now, and I am always optimistic that things will get better that I don't delegate tasks away. I don't want people to feel I'm using pregnancy as an excuse, not that people have been saying that. 

But as someone who strives to do her best, it's tough. 

5月21日~~

I'm 15 weeks+ pregnant now. 

--

From a health perspective

Whilst the "morning" sickness is gone,

(quotation marks because at the last 2 weeks of first trimester, it happens anytime)

I'm still gassy at night which causes discomfort and I need to sleep at an angle

After talking to some ladies, I learnt to start reaching for help from my doctor instead of just keeping quiet after each visit. 

I've been taking pills for 1+weeks now, while it doesn't completely return me to normal. I'm better now. 

I was extremely cautious in my first trimester, and completely stopped exercising and doing core / back exercises after doctor's advise. For those who know me, this means my back gets worse. 

After talking to a friend, I decided to go do some physiotherapy. And it relieved my back but also made me realised how weak my back muscles are. 

 Doctor now advised to do nothing abs-related, which I thought was sensible. 

--

From a work perspective 

I've been struggling to keep up with my old pace, I pick my battles and disregard my KPIs. 

At this rate I think I'm just trying to do what feels like my minimum, but it hard to agree with that when I'm always working. 

But what I gave up is after-hours working. I simply am exhausted, I only reply to easy messages and "do it tomorrow". 

I make silly mistakes at work like mishearing things, not grasping the context when the hours are long, reading the wrong number of zeroes or getting basic arithmetic wrong. Last night I even forgot my laptop and walked into a meeting. 

Sure it happens, but it never happen so frequently. 

And for someone who strives to do her best at all times, it really is hard to get over it. 

I get easily annoyed when I find things to be wasting my time and energy. Because I realised I have finite time in a day. 

Idk how people hide their pregnancy, people started guessing as I start showing. And my mistakes are easily forgiven because of my pregnancy. But honestly, does it really not impact my performance at work? 

What I know for sure, is I'm not getting as much bonus next year anymore. And I'm probably not even up for promotion since I can't commit to projects that stretches into my maternity leave. 

 I've come to terms with this of course, I've always known this day would come. But it's just a upsetting to see me staggering behind a little bit everyday in this corporate rat race that I've fought so hard to stay ahead. But really... does it matter?

---

From a personal perspective

It's been magical :) 

A little part of me still don't believe I'm growing a human inside me, but it's hard not to when it's growing everyday. And it surprises me each time I visit the doctors. 

I've been skeptical of healthy pregnancies after seeing some friends go through traumatic incidents. I'm so grateful each time I see that little baby in me. It went from just a blob on a screen to a moving, kicking, active baby :)

I've also realised that there is probably an undiscovered courage in me. Knowing I would do anything for it. I've been telling myself that I can do this. I knew I will always try to be a great mom, and the process of becoming a mother (re birthing process) is something that I can and I must soldier through. 

I've been watching what I ingest and what I do since I found out I was pregnant. I've heard from a friend a while back "a woman becomes a parent the moment they are pregnant". It's true. I've had a shift in mindset and a different. sense of self. I think about it all the time. There's no "breaks" per say. There's not just "me" but "us". 

This past 4 months is unlike anything I've experienced before. Nothing else matters and I am at peace.

4月16日~~

Work from home day, 

Motivation is at a rock bottom as I struggled to focus. My only need and want is to eat, drink, pee and poo. I have a tendency to feel tired, and I'm starting to have a reduced affinity towards coffee. (Making it worst to keep the adrenaline up)

Also I now have cravings for 干捞面, specifically the kind KY makes when we were in the UK. 

4月13日~~

Last 3 weeks of my first trimester, 

Feels like I'm battling hungover every single day. 

I'm so gassy, 

on the verge of puking randomly, and therefore nauseated at times (but touchwood, not yet),

Occasionally I really really want to eat random things. (But only occasionally),

"It's too early to show" they say

Too bad it feels like my child is levitating in my tummy of gas 

Ugh, never knew that smooth muscle relaxation can be so ... uncomfortable. 

Although, from what I hear from others, my mother and mother in law. We've had it easy. 

I'd take gas over sickness anytime of the day 

Although one good thing came out of it, 

Hearing the heartbeat of my unborn child for the first time and sharing the moment with KY :)

It is a huge relief, that the strawberry-sized of a child is living with the right sets of hands and feet :)

Up next is the non-invasive chromosomes check that will continue to keep me on the edge of my seat. 

Career size, I'm surprisingly still pushing through at work. Although, I'm less into wanting to surpass expectations, but more into doing basic tasks and light exploration. As I told my colleague, my bare minimum this year is to "meet expectations" 

3月29日～～

We got into a car accident today

.

All parties involved are alright and in good health. 

But when I saw it hit ky's side of the car, it sent a shiver down my spine and suddenly I felt like crying. 

.

Here is the guy whom I've spent the last 8 years with. He said to me to stay in the car. 

And he went and did everything himself. 

The back and forth negotiation. 

The police report. 

And I'm at home helping pack his bags for our trip tomorrow. 

.

I am lucky to be with a partner 

- who wants to take care of me even though he's in shock. 

- Who asks me to sleep first while he continues the long q&a at the police station at 12am.

- who calls to say I love you

2月18日~~

Firefighting means after working more than 10 hours in the office, the original work is still left untouched. I tell myself I need to work after dinner. But I decided to rest instead

Within me is some guilt but not a lot. 

I guess people can only say "it's urgent" "the deadline is tomorrow" so many times until it sounds like a boy crying for wolf. 

This work has drained me, but perhaps its a me problem, that I don't know how to say no enough. 

But how do you do that, when it's the top person in the company?