3月28日~~

Watching "afterlife" set in the town of Canterbury had the sort of blimey weather, it's episode 1 so it's still okay. But the architecture gives me a nostalgic feeling, a part of me that I left behind. 

I had another one of those impulse to go back to consulting. I managed to talk mysel out yesterday night. But I wonder if it's ambition, boredom or just the urge to find something to clint on to that reminded me of the past

3月21日~~

Putting things in a different perspective now that new information has arisen

I've been put up as the equivalent of a "top performer" in my company, technically this just means moving me up the bellcurve, a somewhat rare spot with just 3 spots for commercial people across ranks. 

My boss read out his comments on my performance for my year, they were all great positive feedback. My improvement plans are just gain more experience, which is great, it just means expand scope and learn, you'll learn and adapt as you go. 

And now that I'm on the train, I just realised what this meant. 

It's my first year of being a manager, and I've exceeded expectations.

It's this great epitome that has forced me to look back at the passing year. Yes there were lousy, imposter times, but I've done well in the position I'm at. And I shouldn't let the reverse pyramid pull me down, make me feel inferior and get back into my shell. 

This overwhelming amount of confidence surfaced. I am meant to be doing strategy work and I shouldn't be too defeated others are doing better, because I'm the only one at my role and I should benchmark against myself. 

And I have hope again.

I was asked to look into a profile of a new company.

 And I'm inspired again. 

3月13日~~

大我一级的同事吩咐我做他的工因为他 ‘lack motivation’ 然后老板什么都没说，反而让他嘿了半天。

跟他同级的同事讲他，他也不理踩。

我刚只专注完成任务，现在想回去，突然有万分委屈。😞 他欺人太甚！

是嫉妒吗？是不爽最近CxO都有在吩咐我做事吗？

为什么这种态度会存在？难道大家都只能同情我，但这种情况猖狂下去吗？

我们的performance review难道还能同比吗？

他今天说了这些话，做了这些事还告诉老板" I don't care what KPIs you set for me, as long as you give me the top score"

决定不申请其他工作是因为以下原因

1) 老板答应会带我去他下一个工作的地方，他所说的机会，我都觉得会比我能想象的下一份工作有趣。

2) 再来这份工作不需要我OT，我不敢担保下一份工作也一样轻松。

可是今天，我真的感到无助委屈。也去no1也不是很重要了，我可以先跑，但礼貌上交代他一声；no2也许我还年轻还能tahan高压地方，又或许我用力一点找工作就能找到有work life balance 的地方。

但也许假设我可以找到另一份parallel career 我就不会那么看重这样的委屈了

之前下定决心的决定突然有些动摇了

3月8日

Woke up earlier to do yoga in the dark as usual.

After my regular session, I continued to twist to relief the pain in my back. 

I was suddenly brought back to when I was 5, and I was wide awake in a dark room i share with my family, mesmerised by the radio lights, whilst sitting in various positions. 

There's comfort in that memory.