8月15日~~

 I've been counting my blessings these days now that I'm counting down the days to the end of my resignation
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Yes I've quit again, to a job that now puts me in credit of social capital 
In fact, this whole experience of looking for a new job has put me in serious credit

It really is a people business out there, I wish it were different.
But now that I have it, I'm thankful it is. 

Each time I jump, requires the next hiring manager (and I) to take a more serious leap of faith

In a way that I can't imagine anymore.

As KY puts it, if it makes me excited and anxious, it should be good :) 
For only if the shoe does not fit, then only you can grow into it. 

I am always reflective, but now with heighted senses

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I've been watching a chill-vibes youtube video, where the influencer just spends time recording her daily life of cooking, doing chres while managing her stationary business. 

I sometimes wonder if life can be like this for me

like the last episode of "the good place" when Tahani created a huge list of things to achieve and just focus on perfecting each skill

where I get obsessed over random things and I'm don't feel bad if I do it over and over again
(2 days ago I followed a tutorial to make a flappy duck which took me HOURS)

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I wish to be deprived of the burden of responsibility, yet I've been enjoying work thus far. I take every crazy bit of it, and wear it like a badge of honour every day. 

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Everyday I ask myself "who am I?" and I couldn't help but end it with "24601"

For aren't we just prisoners of our own doing, and the horse in the 1984 book? 

I discover more of what I like and dislike everyday, but not who I want to be when I grow up.

And that should be okay... Right?

 

8月5日~~

What a bad day at work. 

I have embarrassed myself by failing to translate technical terms. But to be fair I was not set up for success for my first translation activity. 

I didn't know the content nor the audience. 

None of it was easy conversational chinese. 

Here are some snippets of my struggle. 

" deployed sites at a low capital and low spectrum... acclerate the digital economy ... "

"Low altitude connectivity "

"Hyperscale, mid scale small scale'

"System integrator"

My god I already struggled with "secretary general" 

The only thing that saved me was that there was another translator on vendor side that probably did this before and got the hang of it 

Anyway. I ended up crying on the train of embarrassment texting my mom my husband and my colleagues attempting to just comprehend what just happen

But perhaps I had too much pride, 

Perhaps publicly embarrassment in front of chiefs and ministers is a business one should shrug at, 

Perhaps its normal to go to blank out and cry at the poetry section whilst compartmentalising feelings,

Perhaps when it's okay to overprepare and stutter anyway, 

Perhaps it's okay to cry while your parents and husband cheer you on and affirm you

But one thing I've learnt about myself is I am in denial phase until my tears start trickling 

And I also know (albeit I can't imagine that yet) that I learn from my mishaps and when I bounce back, I will be better than the last time 

I am not okay, 

But I take comfort in knowing I'll be okay in due time