7 月9日~~

I've always struggled with the word "No"

And as I've learned from the "f*ck no" book

It's not just because I'm a people pleaser with no backbone, I'm also FOMO

(Which also means that I'm always confused when people say No to me, but story for another time! Another thing on my to-fix list)

I just said No to a last minute request to travel for work, thanks to my dad for talking sense into me

And when I did, a door to happiness  opened the me magically. 

It was the world's most wonderful feeling. That makes me question why I haven't done this more (of course, I know why)

I don't give myself enough credit for taking a stand. So here's to me, with a bowl of shinramen and milo! 

7月8日~~

I sometimes wish I am less sad, less vocal, and that I know less

Perhaps that would make me a better person with an easier life. 

I also wish that I'm less depressed and anxious, and that reading endless books about wellbeing/ taking courses about time or stress management will miraculously make me better. 

But I have not. 

In fact standing in the sports aisle section of the library makes me better.

Compounding factors of stress has lead me to meltdowns and tears at surprising times. 

I'm not happy, but I have to be alright.  

How else should I answer to questions like "you alright?" "What can I do?"

Answer is always "nothing". It's all just in my head. 

7月7日~~

I escape through means of reading, what I want and when I want

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As I slowly to lose my mind from work again (re: depressed / anxious) 

KY has tried his best to bring me out of the zone, through great food and companion. 
On top of that, I found that a little booze & book in the evening makes me myself again 

Without any obligation to read/ to do anything about it, I could read any fiction / non-fiction at ease. 
As if, I'm not doing it for promotion / to sound smart anymore, but just because I'm genuinely curious. 

Just finished "Americanah" and now starting "How Google Works" 

I am intrigued by the line "the better the process, the more people rely on it and deters the creative process" 
I'm so sure I'll quote this in my projects. Since that's basically what I do anyway :) 

Brainstorming (cough*) modular processes that are scalable. 
I'll be shooting myself in the foot, but at least I stayed true to who I was. 

Tomorrow shall be a new day
No matter how hard I try to ignore my work, I'll still keep trying hard 

God, that's annoying. 

6月30日~~

Been working 12 hours on end for the last 3 days
and it's making me very groggy and grumpy

I feel like I'm forever trying to complete a long list of deadlines that never stops growing 
Every half hour - there's a request for more work, a ping etc
Even though I am currently permanently "Busy" status  

I'm dying for another break but knowing that I'm saving it for December for Malaysia 
is making me even more grumpy
I need to get more of these sick leaves / learning leaves / etc like what my counsellor suggested

===

Anyway, on a happier topic, I've been trying to keep up with my happy journal! 
Ever since I opened up that journal for KY - I started doing the same for mine
It's really amazing how no matter how shitty the day gets - there's always something relatively good that I remember :) 

Have been listening to a lot of AJR these days - "World's Smallest Violin" gives me so much joy <3 
If you haven't, please also listen to "Mr Perfectly Fine" !
So does nights with wine 

Also - just got news that we got bonuses coming in on September! 
and the top 20% performer gets extra 50% 

I've got 750 pounds + close to 200 pounds more of awards money. 
Have spent it on our Liverpool trip, Dad's gift, Amazon vouchers (i.e. ebooks) 

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Honestly, little things like these are what keeps me going - And now I'm okay again! :o 

 I'm such a weird person