10月31日~~

Currently reading 

"Quiet: the power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking"

During an inclusive leadership training, someone mentioned that the world is not built for introverts. 

I found this fascinating and wanted to make sure that I can accommodate my workstyle better to people (given that I've struggled quite a bit in the beginning, I would like to continuously build empathy as much as possible so people won't go through what I have). 

I decided to borrow the book from the library, so I can understand the world of introverts. 

I've leaned towards the extroverted side on different quizzes, which is always a surprise to me. (If you know me as a child, you'd understand why I say that)

But I slowly learn that I'm just a reflective speaker. I just need more time to formulate my thoughts. I have found this trait to be annoying since I started working here. The inability to participate in "thinking out loud" sessions, not being the first few to contribute to brainstorming sessions. Saying too little than I could have. 

This chapter on "do all cultures have different extroverted ideal" has been very interesting and I consumed within one sitting. 

My mind wanders back to the pwc test with the greed test with the balloons, and the persistence test with the safe. 

Its interesting that I somehow still played to a particular stereotype. No matter how hard I tried to blend in. 

10月10日~~

 嗨

别来无恙，近来可好?

9月、好奇怪的一个月
好情绪化、好容易感触、念旧的一个月

可怜的ky只好无能为力的看着我突然哭突然笑

开始听以前听的音乐
似乎想找会些失去的什么 。。朋友吗？ 初衷吗？自己吗？

也许我只需要好好休息

希望大家都好好的吧，加油 :) 

6月30日~~

3 months has gone by 

We have been in quarantine for 3 months now

Soon after that last blog post, KY's university announced a lock-down as a student was infected by the virus

we packed up and travelled to Bristol, thinking, it won't be for a very long time anyway  

That was when the government announced a nation-wide lockdown 

offices, libraries, malls, restaurants everywhere within a week 

At first, things were a little concerning, we watched the news every waking moment

my family not-so-low-keyed freaked out and begged me to come home

my managers asked me to take time to do work given the circumstances

international flights are mostly cancelled, and almost every flight had people who were infected with the disease

We stopped going out for runs and walks, limiting ourselves to one grocery trip per week

given that work was a little relaxed then, we could go out in the afternoon when it was less crowded

We purchased books & art supplies to keep us busy

As for personal mental health, I continued writing my 5-min per day mindfulness diary.

Walking down the dystopian streets of Bristol

I wondered if this would ever be the norm 

===

Fast forward to today

the government eased several lockdown rules 

UK has managed to have "flatten the curve" with thousands infected per day, and death of hundreds per day 

nothing compared to Malaysia with single-digit people infected by the disease

the new norm swept in

and work picked up on my end 

Eventually, a lot of those hobbies and activities were on pause, I realised that even if there is an extra hour in a day that I saved from travelling, I'd be using it to get ample sleep, have good food, relax and play games.

As for my mental health, it has been going pretty well :) 

Staying with KY for these past 3 months, 

comforting hugs are just an arm's distance 

he made sure that I eat should things get busy, called home with me, made sure I stay connected with the people I should be connecting with 

I stopped using the jar of mindfulness cards, stopped using the mindfulness diary, stopped reading about anxiety through the library books I borrowed a long time ago and have no way of returning

It's not the first time we stayed together for a prolonged period of time

since he did that during that knee incident of mine 

but I couldn't imagine that a consulting job would allow me to stay at home for such long periods of time

it's practically unheard of, but I'm grateful for this silver lining

I feel our love growing stronger each day :) 

===

For the past few days, we were listening to some 2010s music 

I felt ... old 

I mean I always know how old I am 

but it didn't really click that I was 17 seven years ago! 

All it took was just music to walk down memory lane, bringing back all the feels and chills

I can't help but reflect on the 

choices I regretted, 

friends that come and sometimes go, 

great awesome memories that will stick with me this lifetime

Wondering, whether any of those memories have diluted with time ... 

To prove how I've changed, I'm now feeling nostalgic yet so out of words

Now that's rare 

Perhaps it's time for me to pick up one of those romance novels again

too much non-fiction this time round

3月9日~~

I need to be braver
===

It's been a long realisation that I'm often out of words
I choose to stay silent over raising questions, with fear that it will start a heated confrontation
when it could have easily just been an intellectual debate

My manager told me "To give myself credit for the work I've done"

I choose to stay in the background
It is somewhat inherent in my nature

Today, my colleague asked me why should we fund scientific research when the funds could have gone to shelter homes instead

I have the words to justify,
but I don't have the courage to say

Isn't it just human nature to just seek for accelerated initiatives instead of strategic play-outs?
To seek short term profit instead of a long term profit?
Short-sightedness has been a problem, not just in terms of investing in stock markets, but also in scientific research and development

Besides scientific research has been an under-funded area anyway
esp. in Malaysia

I guess, why put the money elsewhere (e.g. in defence)
but the argument arises again, what do you have to protect, when you can't protect.


===

I have the answers
but more of a "on a hindsight" sort-of-way


my managers were telling me that these things take time
when I asked how they are able to say things on the spot without taking a few minutes to think?
I simply can't think when not prepped for

It's something I need to learn


But I do wonder why this is in my nature

===

I had a quiet night in today
It was raining outside
I was reading my book, playing a little ukulele with some chamomile tea on the side

It was peaceful
I looked around the room, I tend to surround myself with books
I started to wonder ...



===

The other day, I asked KY

If he has the chance to spend 100% of his life learning all the knowledge the world has to offer, but he will never be able to talk to anyone about it because there is simply no time, would he take this chance? 

He said that it's going to be a bit sad, isn't it?


Well, would one rather pick up a book to learn but never through conversations? Or learn through conversations but never through books?



PS. I learned to tune a guitar today. In hopes that the strings will be kinder to my fingers.

I tuned it! But I was wrong, it was much more painful. I shall resolve to playing the ukulele these days.


PPS. WJ borrowed me his Kalimba last week. I had fun with that little 12 quid instrument whose note placement blows my mind a little. Wondering if I should get one for myself too? Or save for a keyboard / Piano??

2月17日~~

I make a big fuss out of rings

===

I put them on the middle finger to show that I'm in a relationship but not engaged
The ring finger is a sacred finger to me.
Throughout the years, I rarely put a ring on it, and when I do (as I like to play pretend since I was a little girl), I blush and get emotional

On my birthday, I was asked to sit down and
KY took a small box from his bag and presented me with the sparkliest ring in the whole kingdom

I couldn't help but get emotional
up till this date, I was expecting a bracelet or some sort after getting amazon recommendation (we share a prime account)

I asked him what it all meant? Do my parents know of this?
In fear that I am in unchartered territory

"I know, you don't want to get engaged for the next 2 years without a wedding plan in place, nor would you agree to wear this ring until we get your parents blessings. However, I want to bring our relationship forward. I asked your parents about it, and they know that I'm going to give you this ring today. I love you darling." 

As you can imagine, I was confused but very emotional. This is a pre-engagement ring. One that I saw on rom coms, the one that Pam had for 4 years with Roy from the Office.

I teared up, although the question didn't pop up. It feels like an important checkpoint of the lives we share. One that I will remember for the rest of our lives.

As I put on the ring on my ring finger. "How deep is your love" was playing in the background.
I cried in his arms as we swayed to the music.

Up till this point, I've dreamt of all the scenarios where my wedding/ proposal nights could have been... From movies, videos, books...

None could compare to how right that feeling was when he said he'd like to be with me for the rest of his life. 

Thinking back, it was a dreamy day. I've been wearing the ring for 4 days now. Wearing it makes me feel special, feel like I belong.

===

It started off as normal as could be, I was stressed from work (working from home made it better) until he came with a bouquet of flowers, bought me brownie as a cake and a Nathan Pyle comic book that cracked me up.  We had steak dinner that night as most restaurants were booked out 2 weeks earlier (insane!)

I logged off at 4.30pm, eager to start my birthday. But this time, for the first time, it felt more like valentine's day than a birthday.

The ring didn't fit me though, (it was a tad larger), so we got it exchanged when we were in London for the weekend :) Now it wraps me like a glove.

1月13日~~

It's the new year of 2020!
By now, everyone has made the joke about flying cars and having a 20 20 vision

The joke got very old very quickly, sadly

Every year, I'd make new year resolutions.
Just like everyone else

Except that this year, my flatmates aren't around to talk about it
We used to pin it on the wall in our living room
To remind ourselves, what we're fighting for this year
And also for everyone else to see and laugh along with us

Those were good old times ...


===

Anyway, here's my list
1. Cope with anxiety
2. Pick up digital art again
3. Learn trading

As some of you may have known
I've got anxiety
One may have thought that some holiday would help
it does, but the panic attacks and illogical thoughts are still around, the ecg report shows otherwise about my palpitation
I started reading books about what anxiety is exactly

I distant myself from people,
people whom I think aren't the best listeners or prone to brushing things away
which is quite sad that I do distant myself from some of my close friends

I'd like to properly thank KY and my family
They've been respectful
Loving me just enough to believe what was once unbelievable
They politely laugh at my attempts to tease myself
while hiding their concern

Pulling me close whilst I pushed everyone away, even if it hurts
Words cannot explain how I thankful I am to those who helped, who thought of me, who was there and more

I don't know what I've done to deserve this
But I'll be here if ever any of you needs me :)

===

Digital art,
ah yes
I've paused on the whole designing thing for a year
Finally, it's time to pick it back up again
what better time than to do it in the magnificent year of 2020 and when everyone wants to start a company again?

I just hope I'm good enough

===

It's also time to be an adult and generate more income
As I've started working, I realise I demand more ...
buying coffee and sandwiches when I could have just brought an apple along
even when the company doesn't sponsor me the food


===

It's also a good time to admit that each time I'm in London
I crave for alone time
I don't feel the need to tell my friends that I'm around and if we should hangout

The moment I reach the hotel
I feel like I need this
I'd go to the gym alone, have dinner and breakfast alone
I'd bring my laptop or a good book
I'd rest in my bed flipping through channels
and wait till I call KY

I'm not the best of friends
which is what I'm trying to change as well this year

Not sure how it would work between giving myself some time and socialising
but we shall find out :)


===


I realise that I've not been posting on Instagram
I guess it feels like life has taken quite a turn since
and everything little and normal feels great but too silly to be shared

Love became the littler things
It became lazy Sunday afternoons, Saturday morning strolls along the river
waking up next to the person you love who greets you good morning with a smile on his face
It became silly dances and long looks
It became window shopping in the local arts and crafts store and more
It became whispered phone calls on the phone

People still ask me why don't I like what I'm doing
I do, but the problem is when you start waking too early, having cold lunches in the office, takeaway dinners on the train and shitting in the train station.
You start to question life, you know?
I know that I can't do this when I'm 35

Life is strange

===

Lately, I've been wondering where home is for me?

I'm a dandelion with no roots
floating around with the wind
being the pawn and moving piece in someone else's game