11月13日~~

哈喽，我寥寥无几的世界 :)

Life is moving relatively fast when you're in love 

yes friends
I'm no longer single :)

I've finally let down my guard and face my feelings 

thanks dear :) 

-- WARNING:Potential Lovey Dovey Story Ahead -- 

"Everything has changed" - Taylor Swift 

So KY and I went out as promised
(we made the deal that if he finish his code for his FYP we'll be going out) 

The day was quite normal 

we stopped by some random exhibition in Shoreditch about babies passing away and got ourselves 勿忘我 seeds
we went to the "Notes to Strangers" exhibition

that I have been dying to go since I knew about it 

and went to assa for lunch 

then we went home and played some music with my guitar

this seemingly typical day 

was the day the fear of losing him led me to another chapter in my life

You see, before he left 

everything was so obvious

that there are two choices right now 

'to leave' or 'to stay'

else it's gonna kill either one or the both of us 

an emotionally straining and toxic relationship that leads to nowhere

he told me that one part of him wants to go on with this blurred - line relationship 

and another part of him is telling him that I need to end this 

mind you 

he never asked me to be his girlfriend 

he just wanted me to know that he liked me

at that particular moment
the thought of me potentially leading him on 

the thought of leaving him hanging indefinitely

the thought of how unbelievably reluctant I am for a future in LDR
the thought of how everything may or may not change 

the thought of how everything tend to replay itself
the thought of how I may be just in love with the idea of love and not the person 

the thought of how I may be just the rebound girl for him
the thought of how afraid I am
flooded me .. but overpowered by one thought

the thought of losing him 

I panicked
much more than I figured I would 

he held my hand 

and I didn't know how to respond 

brain died 

or selectively died 

I don't know ... 

he leaned in for a kiss 

and I panicked even more 

that I turned away 

damn 

I've never done this in my life .. turning away from a kiss

*facepalm 

I asked him not to make things so complicated than it already is 

Instead, I told him I needed a hug
This hug relived the moments of post "Deja vu"

one that lasted longer that just a friendly hug 

one that reminded me 

how I felt when I sent him a drunk text with 6 words 

I felt safe ... and comfortable in his arms

how could something that is rationally incorrect feel so right ? 

but I do know .. 

it would only be reflex to stop all of these in a heartbeat 

to look at him with o.O eyes if he ever tried to get close 

to pull away when he held my hands or tried to .. in the morning when we were in the first exhibition

to slap him even hahahhaa 

it all seemed clear yet still confusing 

when I pulled away 

... we kissed 

a kiss that lasted longer than expected again and forced me to make a decision 

damn things are so dramatic right now that I can't even 

All the thoughts and concerns 

buzzed through my head like crazy 

"what if"s were the worst

"You look worried" he said as he held my face 

I said somewhere along the lines of
this will all end .. he will graduate a year earlier and we will face LDR

I'm scared ... I'm very scared of the uncertainties and the pain that comes with it ..

I won't survive it .. I can't go through it again 

what should I do ?
(or at least I think I said it, because I can't remember, but these were the thoughts that haunted me since it all started) 

He said, you can kill it now 

or continue be in this relationship where I take whatever he gives
or ....
we can officiate this relationship and have at least one year together 

I gave in and I caved in ..
My emotions governed my body and all rational thoughts were disregarded

... 

I said yes :) 

... 

just like that ...we're no longer a "2.5" to each other's no. of relationships

we became an integer .. a solid .. 3rd relationship 

hahaha what a nerdy thing to say innit? 

... 

Everything has changed since then ..
for better or for worst I'm not sure
but I do know that I haven't felt this happy in a very long time :)
the kind of happy that made the heart 暖暖的

it has been 4 days since the relationship
yet it felt like I've been in this since a long time ago
there is something safe, mature and comfortable about this
how distinct yet similar we were
it all contributes to my exponentially growing love and fondness for him

yes.. I said "love"
a strong word that I'm willing to use :)

damn .. that was some strong willpower I had back then when I was against all deluded thoughts
and damn .. it feels so good to be free from yourself :)

=====

Thank you ... for all that you've done for me :)

funny isn't it?
I never would have thought we would end up together the first time I met you in a pre-drinking session when I was seeing someone else and you were in love with someone else ...
yet here we are :)



thanks for listening and for not feeling disgusted despite the dark(er) stories and thoughts  that I never told anyone about :) 
thanks for being honest with me ... you became so 3D when you showed me how vulnerable you were and how amazing you are :) 
thanks for stopping me from making a decision I might regret :)
thanks for reminding me how it was like to fall in love again 
thanks for making me feel like you're the safest place in this world right now
PS: I love you

11月3日~~

What a .. design project week
to be fair it wasn't THAT bad
had less stress than before

or maybe i'm just used to it
I'm not sure...
Don't really feel sleep deprived

but definitely alcohol intake increased again
caffeine intake decreased by LOTS compared to last year
human contact / catch up increased infinitely compared to ANY of my years hahahha
sleeping more for sure

I certainly feel like a different person...
from my 1st and 2nd year

but that 1st / 2nd year me is still within me .. emerging at times
I wouldn't have noticed until the strangers told me so
"You sound like a lawyer" "Are you sure you're an engineer?"
"She is really good in designing"

Good things :)
what a personal brand also hahaha

=====

JUST started to formally research on internships
hahaha
I'm a bit slow :3
a bit scared

Scanned through my past experiences before deciding which field to apply to
banking and finance is currently out of the picture
hmmm

time to focus!

=====

Have you ever felt like you're doing something that is against every nerve in your body?
不管怎么想都不对, yet you still kept doing it?

I think I'm at that stage
the 犯贱 stage

no better way to describe this bah :)

Every time I think about it
it just never made sense (still doesn't)
it's going no where
yet I'm still on board
I should get off while I can
before damage is done

yet we are still on it
both of us

this is toxic
I swear

and even though it seems like a 原地踏步
something is "building"
and for every moment that I can't make up my mind, is every moment given for the "thing" to be built

I can feel it
what the "thing" is, I'm not sure yet

I don't even know how it all started
I'm trying to recall how and when we got close
but I can't recall the specific moment

once again
I question myself, as of every other moment when my mind tends to wander around the beauty of imagination and sea of thoughts,

Would I still do it despite knowing that this will all still end?
Would the heart be spared, when it is prepared for the worst?
Would the heart give it its all despite that?

It's still a matter of principle

but all my doings are almost against it right now

what do you call this state between us?
"neither here nor there"
and I'm taking my own sweet time
enjoying it all like some evil creep

The more I hangout and talk to him
the less I feel that I'm reliving a memory
and it feels more and more like a new chapter in the book

I'm not in love 

but I defo care :)


#ezgame

confused