2月19日~~

Social Media Marketing, 
Graphic Designing 

these are just a few examples of the algorithm that I've been classified under in my social media pages.

Going by the tube stations, it's quite common to see advertisements on part-time courses. A second chance they say ...

When Soph took up a part time course in film making and performing arts, it made me rethink about some of the choices I've made.

How many times have I actually stood up for myself? Only timidly and only recently have I created my e-portfolio to apply for graphic designing jobs. And I have to say the acknowledgement was really comforting.. but I never really dared to tell my parents about these things ...

The quick solution is simple, I just have to disregard the thought and move on with my life which I already couldn't handle.

But "what if's" are always the worst.


======================================

It has been a tough couple of weeks
I have to give it to the mystical energy from above (if any) for challenging me unnecessarily, dare I add :)

===
Week 1

when I realize grandpa was ill, seriously ill, I called home, realizing that no one really knew what's going on

On the day I decided to skip class to call my dad, I was very quiet
I had a lot on my head , mind you, I've never decided to skip class to call home

I knew that I need to be prepared for the worst, as an adult, I need to make adult decisions
to make time for what truly matters, when priorities are not governed by deadlines (anymore)

Soon after my phone call with dad to grant me permission to come home for the worst case scenario, to me finally agreeing to come home for a surgery ...
grandpa passed away 20 minutes after the call

Drawing his final few breaths when dad barged in through the door they say

I was shocked when I heard of the news,
for I knew.. I was the last one to talk to dad
I knew I was the one who asked dad to not pick up my brother's continuous missed calls because I knew they can "handle themselves"
I knew... but I did not know

...

The only 2 people I called after
was my 契姐 who reminded me to bring home all medical supporting documents
and my dad's personal assistant who asked me what time is the best for me to go home

that night, I did my psychometric test with KY, got impatient and had a small breakdown in his arms .... once again, he was really really patient with me ..

....



2 days later, I was in Johor



and 3 days after, I was in the hospital waiting for my operation ...



...

I deliberately enter-ed a few times between the two sentence
because that's how much breather I've gotten and how quick everything happened

throughout this all, I was also applying for extenuating circumstances, applying for permitted absence, going through last submissions of applications, coursework deadlines etc...

It was tough ...

I had another mental breakdown on my way back to KL, as I realize how hard the lack of time will impact me ...

The damage that was done was more serious than we thought due to the delayed treatment from NHS.. I felt angry tears in the toilet after I got my MRI results 1 day before my operation ... the only place I can be alone .. How dare they ... I thought to myself .. I was so patient with them .. so understanding .. and this is how they repaid me? ...

How dare they .. how dare the world .. . put me through this ..


Week 2
Of intense physio week of pain and waking up in the middle of the night ...

I really want to get better
for myself, for my family, and for him

There is so little time I have with everyone of them
yet I have so little time for myself too

physio took over my life officially
3 times a day each lasting for an hour or more

discomfort haunted me
but I hammered through
it was more difficult to be strong
when people are looking at you 24/7

it was way harder than in the mountains
when I just had to be strong on screen

I cried from the pain I felt from physio
as KY and my family helped me with my physio
they felt my pain, yet they counted for me "1..2...3...4.."
They knew that who I was, and that I will not stop from making sure I recover swiftly as possible

I started to panic as I realize my PUD deadline .. is coming closer and closer
I redid my coursework 3 times in total ...

Week 3
The dreaded CNY I call it
The time for celebration and reunion
one that I've missed for the past 2 years and have cried over for the past 2 years

why dreaded may I ask?

from  the stress of coursework deadlines
Physiotherapy was painful, and was crucial to my recovery period
but nothing was as painful as the lack of time and not being able to be with my relatives when I could have

I had no choice
The day before my birthday I suffered from sleep deprivation and immense headache
On my birthday, I told my parents that I will lock myself in the room until the 4pm the 2nd day

the 2nd day ... was reunion day

and I missed the "reunion lunch" as I missed the whole night's worth of sleep
it was a difficult night I call it...

KY, as usual, told me he will keep his phone on... and asked me to call him if I need him
I never buzzed him ever, but this time it was different
I had a small anxiety attack followed by a mental breakdown
at 2.30am
after dad told me what time the "reunion lunch" that was supposedly a reunion dinner.. is scheduled at
and that my attendance is required

I called him up, sobbing, and he was there for me .. until 4am in the morning

I finished my coursework 1pm the 2nd day
had another mental breakdown in the morning .. after I described the events in ungodly hours

I remember I repeated over and over again "It was a difficult.. difficult night...."
and sobs that they have to understand that they need to understand that this does not affect my competence
in any way possible

you may think I have strict parents, but I do have parents who keep a tight schedule
failure to do so, meant your incompetency in time management

it has always been my fear to let my dad down
and that was one of those moments
that I haven't felt in a long time
the desperation for understanding from my kind and loving parents

At that point in my life, it felt that the world was against me...
but it was all just in my head

that in the end .. I'm still my parents' daughter

I rushed for another assignment soon after that submission
after I woke up from a very long nap in the evening

I never had a more anti-social CNY

Week 4
Near the end of my time at Johor,
I had a small breather
a sudden acknowledgement that I'm actually in Malaysia
with the people I love

People sending love to me via bouquets of flowers and messages of comfort
it was also to my realization
that my 22nd birthday has passed
and I'm actually ... 22 ....

The worst part is ..
today was my actual realization that I have 2 more times with my physiotherapist
and I need to start packing for London


.....
and all I'm left with .. was ... "what did I miss?"

==============================

On a side note
I got through to the last round with my Microsoft application throughout these 4 weeks
and I also got a phone interview scheduled with National Grid

On another side note
Dad came in one of the days into my tiny solitary confinement to tell me "just do graphic designing, you'll be less stressed"



Dad's affirmation and my Microsoft application
reminds me of something

happiness in what you're doing
for years i'm alright with what I've been doing

and now looking at that graphic designing course
it reminds me of all the time I look at the designs and share with people what I think it means to design something in a certain way

It's obvious... to some people
where my passion lies

oh well .. a hobby will always be a hobby
some people have the luxury of making their hobby a "money-generating profession"
I guess I just don't think I'm that lucky one :)

2月10日~~

Having a cup of coffee with "How deep is your love" covered by Renee Dominique playing in the background

I looked out of the windows, birds chirping and a bit of humid breeze 

Yes, I'm back in Malaysia

odd innit? this time of the year.. 

The past 2 weeks have been messy, emotional in many ways 

My grandfather got sick, I called my father telling him to take care of himself because we are all concerned for him and told him that he needs to let me come back if anything happens ...

Minutes after I got off the phone, my grandfather took his last breath and passed away 

I remember looking up at KY after I received the news. 

He held me as I cried. 

I remember rushing through administrative tasks, trying to cancel the surgeon appointment that I've been trying to get hold of with NHS ever since the accident... applying for E.C. for my pressing deadlines.. he helped me with my psychometric tests for internship .. packing up my bags

It was such an emotional day, yet he was so patient with me 

Before I knew it, I was on a plane back to Malaysia

In the same week, I got my ACL reconstruction surgery.. 

Guess what, KY came back to Malaysia as well :)
Once again the poor guy who just landed took care of me as I woke up every 2 hours in the night when I was in the hospital

and right now I'm rushing for deadlines

doing intense physio 3 times a day 

he was always virtually there if he isn't physically there. 

Of course, it's also very nice to be with my family again

heck I didn't think I would see yee zhe until he graduates since we have completely different academic calendars in different parts of the world 

Also, just had a phone interview with Microsoft Malaysia a few days ago 

So damn excited :D
It has been a pleasure to have my CV noticed by them 

Even if I don't get it, the dreams were good while it lasted :3

====

Very big shoutout to Hui Xian for taking care of our plants (and looking up on the internet for ways to make sure they survive) and helping me with my mail

So proud of Geyin when she said she will help exterminate and throw out the rat when they catch it O.O ... baby ge has grown up ♥

Thanks Ronald for the postcard from Finland :) Despite how you said it was just a "return of favour" just want you to know that it means a lot :D .. glad to have met you :)

Saw Grace's instagram post
oh man, the wedding cake she made was ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL
A year and a half ago, she told me she was getting classes from a baker
Half a year ago, she told me she was requested to bake a wedding cake and she was absolutely excited
So proud of her and what she has done :)

Mandy asked me about my Malaysia phone number
and she told me she couldn't believe that she remembered what it was
I was shocked and surprised, I didn't know that ever
that I meant quite a lot to her :)
thank you ♥ reminds me of the old school days

====

Met a new friend at physio the other day :D
He's 8 years older than me, and 8 months ago
he fell and ruptured his tendons, so both his knee caps and his left elbow slipped up his body and he was hospitalized for 4 months.
After that, he went through intense physio for another 4 months and now he can brisk walk :)

I'm pretty sure (quite sure) I'll be meeting him again in my next physio treatment until I get back to the UK.

T'was nice you know :)
to see how strong people can be
and how people are motivating and inspiring each other to be better
even if you're not going to meet each other again

He also helped me up the car and bid goodbye, so kind :D 

====

I can't believe I'm back :) 

I can't believe he's back too 

====

Sindy told me her sister won her tickets back to Malaysia

I was one of the first ones whom she told the news to

So so sincerely happy for her... 

when you're away for so long, coming home becomes so emotional 

when a thousand words and poetry of love rushes through your mind, 

all you can say is "I'm coming home" 

with the widest smile you can have 

and shiny, watery eyes 

no more looking at CNY advertisements on facebook crying over and over again 

===

oh man, can't believe I haven't updated my blog in such a long while 

but anyway 

after finishing "Glee"

which I totally don't have a lot of heart to watch after the last episode of season 3

I finished it for the sake of finishing it 

I'm currently onto "The Office"

amongst all, I love the relationship between Pam and Jim 

Pam is this receptionist that loves to draw, and Jim was always the one that supports her with that dream 

recently got to the episode where Pam stayed overnight at the office just to finish a computer animation

and Jim had to take someone else's ride home

When they broadcast their advertisement that didn't make the cut 

I felt so proud of Pam as the logo animation came up  at the end of the video, 

the look on Jim's face when he looks at her proud as can be ..

and the look on Pam's face as she blushes, trying to remain humble but she couldn't help it and started laughing...

now that's the dream :)

and the dream I'm living in.. thanks to you :)

In some sense, this reminds me of Ted and Tracy's love from How I met your mother...
"You will meet someone who will make you forget about your painful past and remind you why you never gave up on finding love."

Love this piece written about the two: 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/nikki-lizarondo/2014/10/5-things-ted-and-tracy-mosby-taught-me-about-true-love/

===

I've always believed in polar opposites 

in essence I might as well been the Robin x Ted supporter

but one day 

this guy came up to me 

and made me fall in love with all the little quirks that he has 

While I was listening to "La Vie En Rose" every time it rains
He was listening to "La Vie En Rose" every time he has a quick dip in the river in Blackforest

When he asked me "how's life" and I accused him of stealing my line

we were both doing the same thing since high school 

little things like these ... (Yes I probably repeated the same things over and over again, but till this day the similarities still shock me)

Thank you, for giving me my first bouquet of flowers as a boyfriend. 

Thank you, for making me laugh every time I'm tearing up.
Thank you, for all the surprises.
Thank you, for all the patience you've given me.
Thank you, for feeding me with beautiful dreams and starry hopes.
Thank you, for loving me so hard.
Thank you, for simply being here. :) 

I can't describe how lucky I must have been to meet you. 

PS. I Love You :)
PPS. Here comes the sun