12月17日~~

I'm in malaysia going through home quarantine now (day 6), I honestly don't mind it. It's the whole reason why I came back anyway. :)

I'll keep a copy paste of my experience in a  

later entry. But that's too operational, feelings were not captured. But would be fun to look back?

---

It all started when my laptop keyboard got crazy, so I started tidying up the study room. 

I ended up throwing 6 bags of trash after just going though a few drawers and compartments. (Mostly things we don't need anymore, I.e. short crayons, torn up bags, notebooks with no empty page)

Mind you, I'm a super sentimental person, which translates to a big hoarder when it comes to things that reminds me of emotional ties. And the train runs in the family.

There are only few of sentimental items I've kept in the study room (i mostly hoard in my room). I found 2 articles I wrote back in high school that got published / won a small prize. 

Damns, 16 year old me was such a motivational speaker, super touchy feely, I would have rolled my eyes at her. How did people stand to be around me lol.

What happened to me?

Moving away from home, falling in and out of love, living with other people, living alone for a couple of months, anxiety, intense working and just reading. 

All of these factors seems to have made me a different person, to me at least. I know that there are similar elements between 9 years ago me and now. But on the inside, I know I'm different. 

---

There were exponential growth years, and years that didn't look too different. Some that's just steady. 

---

Oh! I also saw a diary entry from when I was 6 :) damn she cute and happy. Just a day at the beach with some spelling errors that I swore back then were correct to me. 

---

In this last 3 days, I found it very easy to throw things out when it doesn't have an emotional value to it. When i found things that once meant the world to me, I would pause and reflect. 

---

You see, its also easy to just throw things out as you continue to tidy things with sentimental value. You know which are more meaningful than which ones. But I'm sure if I do this again few years more, I'd have thrown more. Especially since I know I've done this before. 

The point that took me 2000 years to get to, is that, it seems like as I grow older, memories of the past gets fades and gets less vivid. 

What's important now, is probably not so in the future. 

That kinda makes me think, if there was something that I've thrown away before, that would've been super important to me now?

 What memories have I let faded, that was once important? So important that I thought I didn't need physical objects to serve as a reminder yet I actually needed?

It also makes me think what is the one thing I hold dear to me, that reminds me of my relationship with my loved ones? Would what I assume were my loved ones' sentimental objects be the same as what they'd think?

So I tested this with KY.. I asked him if he had to keep something that would remind him of his whole relationship with me, what would it be? Turns out it was that paint-it-yourself painting of us that we did. It was completely different than what I've expected. 

Which means that, you've probably already gave someone the best gift / memory but you just didn't know it. And you wouldn't until you ask them.

Life. Makes you think doesn't it?

Ps. Not thinking about work, changes me. 

12月2日~~

immediately after my late grandmother's 招魂礼
I went into a client meeting, greeted by cheery good morning's and how are you's

I don't know how I feel about this dystopian we lived in
but so far, I've avoided most how-are-you questions, unless they are directed at me 

===

I was severely emotionally impacted by the events that transpired this week
mainly with my grandmother's crossing

I was supposed to visit her this December, yet I missed her

On Monday morning, my freezer officially broke
KY was at first concerned that I might get annoyed too quickly, but surprisingly I handled things that are out of my control quite smoothly this time, I texted my landlord and that was it

I turned on my laptop, and scrolled on the unread messages of my phone while waiting for it to load
There was a facebook notification on my wall, of my grandmother's passing from a man's name I don't recognise
...
I haven't even got a chance to look at my family whatsapp chat yet

I first got confused, then I started crying. A couple of minutes later I texted my engagement director and senior manager. At first asking if I can take a day off, then just informing day of my absence

The worst thing that can happen to someone living abroad has happened
Someone passed away, and I can't return home to pay my last respect

I've debated a couple of times, to change my flight ticket once again and endure the quarantine in the hotel for 7 days + 3 hours of visit time at the funeral, hazmat-suited up with officers beside me

I ultimately decided against it, I would be an eye sore at the funeral
It would be too much for people to handle, I felt 

I thought about being there for my father 
Then I remembered that my presence barely brought him any comfort when my grandfather passed away

I thought about the family book, and how she'll never see it, a few weeks ago I was reminded that life is too short? And I should wrap up the design of the cover and back page .. now she could never see it .. 

I called Jessie for 1.5 hours, we cried, we talked, we laughed,
we bonded over how far we are away from home, and how helpless we felt, we talked about things we haven't talked about before (i.e. how I left for Malaysia without her when grandpa passed, how we haven't finished the book together) We were vulnerable, and we grew closer. 

We knew that already about each other, but just no one else to rely on

Here I was, stuck in the UK, with the "do nothing" option
grieving virtually whilst the rest of the family pray for her soul
with outlook in the background going "meeting in 15 minutes"

in the meetings, people were asking about holiday plans, plans for the programme etc

Here I am thinking "Why does this matter?" I don't buy it 

Yet I'll be leading a workstream that "designs for the future" 
What's the future for, if not for the people and their families - I thought to myself

===

I know I have to quit

===

It sounds dramatic, and it's probably all just in my head 
in my own context, I'm my own victim and my own hero
and that's ironic again, I'm sure I'm just another name, another "stakeholder" in someone else's life

===

Haha how did I make this all about myself again? 

===

I've been trying to catch-up on work, doing things before I leave, 
Trying to do my best to finish up before I leave next Thursday evening

I've put in calls after calls to align on the work I'm doing

I did a bad thing - skipping levels to get things done 

People confronted me on the call, in a nice way though, saying that in the future, please review it with them before I review with people outside the call?

The problem is - I didn't know we had a boundary, I thought the layers were invisible and I have the full accountability

As I write down these rules of how people should communicate - it's all SO hierarchical, why should my team members go through 2 layers of people just to send a text to the client to say "hey, are you free for a 10-minute call?" How do we do work efficiently and quickly if there is always this power move and information lag? 

(Acute readers can probably tell, I've been reading one too many books about "high-performing teams")

So I got schooled, I didn't turn on my camera while I did that

My face would have given me away, as I was shaking in tears, with words not coming out properly 
people assuming what I was trying to do, and putting words into my mouth before I could say them

It was frustrating, and I know that this will happen again and again throughout the programme

The only thing keeping me going, is I'll be putting in my 3-month notice in March, so the 6-month countdown begins

=== 

People kept talking about the christmas socials going on. 
I honestly do not care.

I'm using Omnicron variant as an excuse, but I honestly do not care.

People kept asking me if I am looking forward to going home, 
but I honestly have not thought that far ahead... there's still uncertainties on the home quarantine application that we sent in yesterday, the project work that I'm doing now, it also reminds me that I'm going home without paying my last respect to a beloved who will be going into her grave on Friday 

Yet here I am, answering silly questions like "oh - I'm good, been saving my holidays" "ah - I'll pick that up thanks!" 

Damn it that does not make sense

===

Compounding reasons/excuses for me to not attend any of these socials
I don't need to see another friendly colleague, I need to see my family ... 

===

How does one grief virtually?
How does one reflect on the short life when back to back calls that the scheduled has come back to haunt them?

Edit: Looking back to our posts.. no we have not run this week 

11月24日~~

It's 10.30pm, I should be asleep by now

---

Hahaha what a strange thing to say!

But honestly, I've been sleeping later these days (it used to be 9.30pm ish)

Might as well blog a little

---

 Apparently I'll be leading a workstream soon

It feels weird, it feels odd, I'm giddy with excitement, yet vulnerable to all uncertainties 

What kind of leader would I be? What do I want people to think of me?

Younger me would have had a different answer. Knowing what I know now, and after reading all these books.

I guess I just have to be vulnerable and lead with empathy 

---

3 more weeks ish before I go back home 

My team wants me to work as much as I can and hand it over before I leave

This is so weird, handing things over to a senior, etc. 

--- 

I just finished a movie starring Ryan Reynolds called selfless on Netflix. 

Thought it was a comedy but nope more drama and action on that. I did tear up though. 

---

Since Ky isn't around tonight, figured I'd have some me time which is not too different from the usual. Eat dinner, watch movie, read book.

--- 

Runs are pretty great these days :)

I'm surprised where 2 months of training got me. I've found a new stride, a new pace, got used to the breathing patterns etc

We're gently pushing the limits each week to see how far we'd get. It's pretty magnificent 

10月20日~~

What a weird day, its just 30-minute deadlines piled on top of each other 

Those 10-minute interval micromanaging calls is not helpful at all. If it doesn't look complete, it's cuz I'm still working and iterating on it. Please. People. Calm down. 

I'm going to say it, the bigger the team, the bigger the tasks look. The more the ranks, the more complicated the tasks look. 

9月25日~~

 As Barney Stinson says 

"Here's how you run a marathon

    1)  Step 1: You start Running

    ... There is no Step 2"

As we rewatched this scene together this morning, KY and I shared a look. 
We had the whole day to think about it. 

And Tonight, we signed-up for the Brighton Full Marathon in April 2022. 

Flashbacks of the last (and only) half marathon we did in 2019 came back. 
I remember the intense cramps at the end of the run, and how tired we were that very same day. 
Literally, I never knew my legs can give up on me like that. 

We have not run a lot since the start of the pandemic, which is 1.5 years ago at this point. 
My body has completely transformed since I've been experiencing consistent back pains, I gained quite a bit of weight and my stamina (of even walking) is visibly low

We paused at the sign-up page, ngl, it's scary

42km

That is going to be a long journey, the thought of it makes me sweat and shiver 
but at the same time, it makes me very excited. 

The type of teenage-like giddiness and excitement that has been lost for a while now. 

It's a proper quest and adventure, of the body and the mind. 

We signed up and I printed off a 6-month training plan. 

It simply has to be now. 

- We are 25 this year,
- it's going to be our last year in the UK, with a pretty solid goal to go back to Malaysia for good by Summer 2022
- We won't have the same luxury of independence and running when we go home (My parents aren't the biggest fan of my physical adventures, re: Sky Trip, Dec' 2018) 

I'm now just watching random videos of people running a marathon. My heart is still beating fast, head filled with fear and excitement. 

Finally, a new goal :) 
to keep my mind off work. :) 

9月21日~~

Did the thought of going into the office just kept me up in the middle of the night?

--

It's 3am now .. half an hour since I woke up

No sign of my heartbeat slowing down

I downloaded the myday app and booked a desk in paragon tomorrow

My heart is racing as we speak

There was no reason to. Since no one except 1 person asked if I may be joining promotion drinks next week (not even "are you coming into office"?)

And here I am .. illogically booking a desk so I can "get my mail" first and not have people staring at me as I struggle to get my locked code right  

What came over is beyond me. 

I've not felt this anxious since .. a long time ago. The agony of waiting ahead of an uncertainty is frustrating 

Or perhaps. It was the coffee yesterday. 

But then again I've always had the same dose of coffee.. so what makes today so special? 

I know this kept me awake, but what woke me up in the first place?

9月15日~~

 Consulting is such a weird job

I woke up a bit later today and got online around 8am (Usual working hours were 9am - 5pm)
By then, I've already had 4 pings on teams, some from 1am, some from 7am

I started working on all these tasks and finished at around 10am, 
Suddenly there are no more pings and it feels like I've woke up from a fever dream

I worked from 8am - 7pm yesterday
and when I finished I felt like I have 2 work days worth of work in one day 

But at the same time, for the past 2 weeks, I haven't been doing anything particularly memorable
I was just reading and doing my own stuff during work hours 

We're closing in on another quarterly performance cycle again, every project I'm on felt like ages ago
Feel like I'm living in accelerated and slowed down time in parallel 

Now I'm just doing some admin tasks, that felt like it could have been completed for little time but it felt like I'm doing it forever

It's probably the coffee talking though 

My colleagues are trickling in the office now, sooner or later it'll be me as well, I don't know how I feel about it yet though. I really hated impromptu travelling and often find myself less productive 

On a side note, Stardew valley is awesome! KY got us the game a 3 weeks back I think? And it has been so therapeutic <3 

I'm also embarked on a journey to close-out my time in the UK. Got a book called "111 places in Bristol that you shouldn't miss" and have been going to those places in the last 2 weeks. :) 

Thinking of doing the same for London before I leave for good, but that's for future Yee Ting to think about ^^ 

8月23日~~

Another senior has decided to leave the firm 

I congratulated him - and as I wind down for the evening (over glasses of wine)

I can't help but wonder - what I would do if I were to leave in the next year :) 
One of my seniors just told me about an opening for a risk management role in a bank 
It reminds me of how lucky I am to be in the position I am in right now 

I just got promoted, but I took it with so much self-entitlement that I no longer recognise myself 

16-year-old me would have been rejoiced no matter the situation 
I would have worked my ass off - and be immensely grateful for the slight bump in responsibility 

Now I'm just filled with so much resentment for the work-life I'm in 
That it's just a bit sad (in fact I read back a few of my recent posts - which just sounds like a miserable adult)

But seriously, what would I be doing with the extra time? 

Few friends reached out to talk about taking some time off for a vacation 
I'm still conscious about travelling out of the country (partly because I know KY would be uncomfortable about the whole idea and I don't want to do it without him)
Also super aware that I am a big FOMO when it comes to having fun, so I have to take a few steps back to ask myself if I really wanted to do it - or I just don't want to be left out
Also, also - I'm also super kiasi - with the amount of covid stories going around - I don't want to worry the people around me 

I take a breath of fresh air whilst peeking outside the window with a glass of wine in my hand 
*sigh - is that how this all ends - and how will I cherish my last year in the UK? 

When I start moving away from the place that has advanced in women's rights / racial minority's rights
to a place less so? 

Don't get me wrong - UK has their own problems to deal with - and I do feel left out at times, but at least I'm looped into the conversations that attempt to resolve it 

But, sometimes, conversations with friends just remind me that I'll be going back to a place where I'm no more than a housewife, and no less than a tiger-lady. That somehow, being who I am would no longer be the norm. That I would have to come up with an argument and justify why I am the way I am. 

I find myself choking at words to explain how I'm feeling right now, even to closed ones. As if, I won't be able to do so, until I have 10-years of experience in the field and have built the credentials to do so. 

Here I am, tired from a 10-hour workday, dreading for the future that doesn't seem more promising than it is, thinking about what I can do to just preserve what I have now, without losing the ones that matter. 

There's really no way around this. I just have to go home 

PS. Be kind to yourself

8月10日~~

Drained and exhausted from the emotional roller coaster that's all just in my head. 

It's getting in the way of work, and when talking to loved ones. 

I'm starting to catastrophise and microanalyse every thing people are telling me, and considering shutting myself out of loved ones just to "teach them a lesson" 

But really, I am just too exhausted and embarassed by my own thoughts to explain to others what mental illness is. 

I recognise these behaviours, 

I read books on them,

I have worksheets on how to deal with them, 

Yet here I am 

I have to stop this madness. Should I see a GP, but for real this time? 

7 月9日~~

I've always struggled with the word "No"

And as I've learned from the "f*ck no" book

It's not just because I'm a people pleaser with no backbone, I'm also FOMO

(Which also means that I'm always confused when people say No to me, but story for another time! Another thing on my to-fix list)

I just said No to a last minute request to travel for work, thanks to my dad for talking sense into me

And when I did, a door to happiness  opened the me magically. 

It was the world's most wonderful feeling. That makes me question why I haven't done this more (of course, I know why)

I don't give myself enough credit for taking a stand. So here's to me, with a bowl of shinramen and milo! 

7月8日~~

I sometimes wish I am less sad, less vocal, and that I know less

Perhaps that would make me a better person with an easier life. 

I also wish that I'm less depressed and anxious, and that reading endless books about wellbeing/ taking courses about time or stress management will miraculously make me better. 

But I have not. 

In fact standing in the sports aisle section of the library makes me better.

Compounding factors of stress has lead me to meltdowns and tears at surprising times. 

I'm not happy, but I have to be alright.  

How else should I answer to questions like "you alright?" "What can I do?"

Answer is always "nothing". It's all just in my head. 

7月7日~~

I escape through means of reading, what I want and when I want

===

As I slowly to lose my mind from work again (re: depressed / anxious) 

KY has tried his best to bring me out of the zone, through great food and companion. 
On top of that, I found that a little booze & book in the evening makes me myself again 

Without any obligation to read/ to do anything about it, I could read any fiction / non-fiction at ease. 
As if, I'm not doing it for promotion / to sound smart anymore, but just because I'm genuinely curious. 

Just finished "Americanah" and now starting "How Google Works" 

I am intrigued by the line "the better the process, the more people rely on it and deters the creative process" 
I'm so sure I'll quote this in my projects. Since that's basically what I do anyway :) 

Brainstorming (cough*) modular processes that are scalable. 
I'll be shooting myself in the foot, but at least I stayed true to who I was. 

Tomorrow shall be a new day
No matter how hard I try to ignore my work, I'll still keep trying hard 

God, that's annoying. 

6月30日~~

Been working 12 hours on end for the last 3 days
and it's making me very groggy and grumpy

I feel like I'm forever trying to complete a long list of deadlines that never stops growing 
Every half hour - there's a request for more work, a ping etc
Even though I am currently permanently "Busy" status  

I'm dying for another break but knowing that I'm saving it for December for Malaysia 
is making me even more grumpy
I need to get more of these sick leaves / learning leaves / etc like what my counsellor suggested

===

Anyway, on a happier topic, I've been trying to keep up with my happy journal! 
Ever since I opened up that journal for KY - I started doing the same for mine
It's really amazing how no matter how shitty the day gets - there's always something relatively good that I remember :) 

Have been listening to a lot of AJR these days - "World's Smallest Violin" gives me so much joy <3 
If you haven't, please also listen to "Mr Perfectly Fine" !
So does nights with wine 

Also - just got news that we got bonuses coming in on September! 
and the top 20% performer gets extra 50% 

I've got 750 pounds + close to 200 pounds more of awards money. 
Have spent it on our Liverpool trip, Dad's gift, Amazon vouchers (i.e. ebooks) 

=== 

Honestly, little things like these are what keeps me going - And now I'm okay again! :o 

 I'm such a weird person 

6月23日~~

 My work laptop demanded to be restarted - it's the new windows 10 update and it warned me that it will take 2-4 hours. 

I delayed it once in the morning. 

Only to be reminded at 5pm again. Instead of delaying it one last time, I clicked start now. 

It's 6pm now and has been 1 hour since.. 
My work phone went off.. with people asking me to join out-of-office hour work calls.. 
And I said to them an hour ago - I will fix it when windows update is completed. 

I don't think they realised that it's not a SharePoint thing, but a laptop thing when they screenshotted changes made in case my changes overlapped. 

I decided not to correct them. 

... 

Instead, I breathed a sigh of relief. 
If this were to happen a year back. I would have freaked out, worried, anxious, dialled back in with my phone, followed up on WhatsApp etc... 

But instead, I stepped back - breathed a sigh of relief, whilst being exhausted from the workday. 

How have I changed, realising that I'm just another pawn in another person's political game
Their political pursuits and fight to promote does me no good

My life, and my salary, doesn't depend on the firm selling more / cutting more cost. 
I would, however, suffer from my own decisions (mainly theirs) if I were to be part of that game. 

I got tired of asking questions, especially since when the decision has already been made before I asked them. 

Counting down to the moment I quit - to keep my sanity

6月15日~~

I promised myself not to get emotionally affected by my job 

To disconnect and desensitise myself from rude comments

Unfortunately I still need to learn how to detach myself, to not love and not care about my job 

Don't misunderstand, I do enjoy the learning very much, in fact that's why I sticked to it. But I hated the unfair expectation that these senior people have for a junior person who didn't even know what their business jargon meant 8 weeks ago

I empathise with them, they probably don't do the same with me. My team has helped, but clearly not enough if I'm sobbing on the side and feeling defeated. 

I still care because that's who I am.

But don't expect me to do a manager/senior manager's job unless you give me their salary. It just doesn't justify why I'm working the extra hours and making the extra effort that others aren't putting in to get the promotion. 

If my managers don't understand why and what I'm doing, why should I? My job was supposed to be a support function. 

Sorry, but that one-off 100 + pounds of "applause" just don't quite cut it. And that "take that job for experience" bullshit just no longer cut it. 

A meme page once said "You never know when the urge to quit hits"

It's hitting soon. And I'm this close to it until they change my role again. 

I'm honestly glad that there is at least another grad on the same level as me. 

But she and I and clearly see how different they are treating us and how unfair this is. 

I am pissed, upset, and frustrated. I had to stop this evening. But I know clearly that the work has made my personal life miserable when I start crying over spilled milk ...

And I can't see a way around it. 

5月1日~~

Yesterday, my calendar went crazy - it was an 8.30am start (but people started calling me before that) - and lasted until 4.00 pm. I was supposed to have a 30-minute break in between, which became 15 minutes as the call overran. 

During that 15 minutes I broke down and cried. I forced myself to calm down 2 minutes before the next call. And blamed it on the bandwidth as the reason why I can't turn on my camera. 

===

It's these insane back-to-backs that makes it so difficult. 
You know you can do the work - but you can't do it- if you're not allowed time to do it. 

How do you work smart - when you barely have time to work? 
How can you delegate when you're at the bottom of the food chain? 

I've been sleeping early these days - I work till about 6.30pm, have dinner, sometimes work a little more (thinking mostly) and then sleep at 9.30pm. I wake up at about 6am (officially 6.30am) and start work after some morning stretches around 7am. 

I don't show myself as online anymore, just a little act of rebellion, however small it may seem.
Perhaps just a way for me to feel like I still got control over life. 

Either way, I know very well that this is not the work-life balance I was promised. 

It's a long weekend (with Monday as a bank holiday) and my first thought was to work anyways - but in peace without calls.

===

That being said - I appreciate that members of the team have told me that this is unfair and not to do that. We work with the hours we got and try our best to not get overstretched. 

And I do enjoy the constant learning and unlearning I'm going through now. My brain hurts after the day from all the active listening and thinking. Eventually, I have to stop consuming information and start putting them down into words. After all, it's all useless until you start thinking about how to present the information.

It's the end of week 2 of an intense 8-week project. Next week is when we need to submit what we know about the client and what's wrong with it. We (and I) know what to say but it feels like I'm behind on all ends with the typing and the presenting. 

It came to a point when we are only hearing each other's thoughts and opinions whilst in calls with partners and with clients. And then, at the same time, changing your initial point of view to make sure it doesn't contradict each other. 

=== 

I guess this is where you have to just settle with a B- in homework even though you know you could've gotten an A if people just gave you more time. 

I'm glad I got some time off today - just to relax and be myself again. With the picnic and long walks, enjoying the scenery as I go. :)

4月23日~~

 You reach a point where you stop asking people why they quit their jobs,

but genuinely congratulate them, because you know exactly why... 
and that you're next. 

You don't know how and you don't know where... you just know you got to leave... 

----

Tis' the season of people leaving 
In the past - I've been a huge advocate of my job, 
The fact that it opens doors, it's new all the time, and it's always exciting

It's been more than 18 months since I got the job 
And things are no longer new and shiny. 

Rough patches in the job come and go with the pandemic and with ever-changing projects

I've learnt to be grateful over the little things - the little learning breaks... the little side-of-desk jobs that fulfil me, the friends I've made, the experiences I've had ...  

However things are going in circles, and I'm still where I am 
Frantic, anxious, behind schedule on the first day on the job. 
Even when I'm not travelling as frequent as how I used to

Seeing people staying up late and apologising for sending their kids to bed in their early 40s
Seeing eager, motivated people becoming more and more defeated & frustrated every day

... while I detach myself from life and from the people who love me ...  just to get to "real life" - which is work itself... 

The back-to-back calls,  the after-hours, the rushed lunches, the constant apologies and all the symptoms of being burnt out. I just want to be left alone and quiet all the time. But that just feels lonely.  

It consumes my every waking moment and haunts me in my sleep.
It just doesn't feel right, I can feel it in my heart 
Whatever "it" is, the grass felt greener on the other side all over again. 

I swear I would have gone insane if I'm not keeping a countdown of when I'm going 

----

I bet, that one faithful day when I follow suit of the brave colleagues who left the industry, 
There will be someone else like me that goes "I'm very happy for you, honestly"

----

Again, I do not have a plan, but I do know that I need to leave. One day, some day.

PS. Reading "bullshit jobs" made me felt understood, and made me understand that this is not what I wanted, nor what I've intended