8月25日~~

Until I met you, I never knew someone could love me to this capacity :) 

---

Other than my family of course :3 

---

So, what happened was

I'm going to choose my modules for Year 4 

As some of you may have known 

I'm kind of in an identity crisis for some time ever since I started my internship

I knew 

I can't be an engineer for a very long time 

But at the same time 

I've had that sincere fear that people would judge and limit me by my degree 

Tbh 

I've always known 

But I thought I could soldier on with something I don't like 

The identity crisis is currently resolved 

and I've decided what I want to become or can become 

understanding my own strengths has never been my forte unfortunately 

I've been so focused on what I couldn't do 

that I forgot that I can play to my strengths 

---

When the module selection came in 

I was in panic mode for a bit 

knowing everything is harder

and I haven't been passing with flying colours for the past 3 years 

Just a 2:1 

I need to step up a notch 

but it all looks so difficult 

KY took up the responsibility of not only calming me down 

but also making me a Google Spreadsheet 

He took all my documents 

and dumped them in 

helping me narrow down my choices 

and I've submitted my choices :) 

---

It doesn't seem like much 

but to me,

that's what I need at this very moment 

and you have been there for me at all times when I needed help or company 

You listen to me go on and on about my day 

at an average of twice a day via whatsapp video chats 

You also entertain my messages every time I say anything. And I say EVERYTHING

You were so patient with me 

When I drive home, you'd try your best to be available to pick up a call 

because it's quite certain that I'd call you in the middle of my 1 hour + drive 

You know what I can and cannot do 

Of course you do, you were there when I was rehabilitating and was there for all my sessions in London

and when you'd be there for my sessions in Malaysia everytime you visit me in KL

talking about visiting me in KL 

The trips are so frequent that I can see you every other week! 

And sometimes you'd have "surprise visits" where you tell me.. 

"You got public holiday tomorrow?"

And you'd come all the way here 

just to be with me :) 

My family has accepted your existence since my surgery 

they trust you and they trust us :) 

which came off as a slight surprise to me! 

They haven't been so open-minded things as such

and I can tell my mom likes you a lot 

I wasn't the one taking you to all those family meetings 

they were :) 

and you talk to my relatives like a pro 

I'd be shy and awkward if it were me, but you weren't :) 

You've gone as far as being with my family even if I'm at work

and I don't say this ever, but I'm so proud of you :) 

I know I personally can't do this in a short period of time 

but you proved it possible 

You aren't afraid of telling me your thoughts 

you're cheesy but genuine

when I was working, you texted me when I was under stress just to remind me that
"To the company, you're just an employee. But to me, you're my everything."

When we're alone, and we lie next to each other and I gaze into your eyes

You give me the wildest of smiles and I'm not sure if you're even aware that you're doing it!

One look at you, and I know that you're a man very in love :) 

---

I become such a child around you and you let me be :) 

Thank you darling, for thinking of me at random times of the day 

for making me fall in love with you over and over again 

it's been slightly more than 9 months 

but I'm still, if not more, in love with you

also a shout out to "Christopher Robin"
The show make me tear up so many times 

Keeping it simple and to-heart

8月22日~~

We had cake and coffee at the library coffee bar.

He read George Orwell, while i flipped through graphic design books.

I shared in awe at the impossible tasks the graphic designers had and ingenious original artworks.

He drew cheeky correlations about the similarities of WW1 and the animal farm.

Never had I felt so connected with a person before :).

8月9日~~

Is it normal for a person to be jealous
when their significant other half have very close relationships with the opposite sex where they meet once almost every other week? ... almost the same amount of times he is meeting you now?

Is it normal to feel insecure?
Because as much as I'd love to think highly of myself. If your friends are as awesome as you say..
I'm definitely not good enough

Jealous tears stream down the face
As I drive for an hour plus back home ..

"Do I not love you enough?"
"Do you really have so much time to think about all these nonsense?"
"You got nth to do so you want to argue with me?"
"What did I do wrong this time?
"SORRY OKAY, I don't know what I did, but SORRY KAY? Stop driving me crazy"

Trust me
You won't be the first one to say these things to me :)

I've always had trouble
with distance
With jealousy

I don't trust myself to be alone with my own thoughts
It somehow brings out the worst in me

The person that asks myself to
"hold on"
"Are you sure?"
"Is this what you like to do for the next 5 years of your life?"

Reminds me how reluctant and unhappy I am in an LDR

Regardless of who the person is

..

Whilst laying out all the plans I have to stay in the UK
I know .. deep down inside..
That there is only Plan A

For I know .. How Plan B ends up :)
With the issues I've had with jealousy and distance
It's better off ending things before things turn too sour

..

Today one of my best friends sent me a text
He used to be there for me when I felt sad, uncomfortable, sick, alone, heartbroken, confusingly in love with KY..

He hasn't spoken to me in a week or so
Instead of replying to the messages

I deleted his chat ...

Ever since what hx told me
I felt utterly disgusted by his behaviour

Also..
did I tell you I lost a friend today?
No..
I decided to lose a friend today

Also..
The more I think about It, the more I agree about one thing..

"All guys truly want one thing"

Something true then and true now..

8月6日~~

Has been a while isn't it?

I haven't had the time to write this
but even more so
I've been delaying this post

...

For a month or so
I've been looking out at the Tier 2 Visa List thinking
 if any of these 10k companies would want to hire me
I would be flattered and blessed
yet I haven't been applying to any of these
reluctant to write of my current internship experience
reluctant to do more research than seeing if they hire people like me

filtering down
to anywhere that's near you
realizing my own chances
realizing how painful it is
remembering it all ...

I can't afford to lose it all


but I'm afraid I'm as lost as everyone else

The more I try things out
the more lost I am

but one thing is for sure now

I'm not cut out for engineering

...


I haven't felt this strongly against something since the beginning of time
ever since I've started this internship
I was so repulsed by the idea of it
that it came off as a surprise as me

I actually
don't like what I'm doing

I can't help but think ...
I can't do this for the next 5 years of my life
I would want to quit at the earliest possible chance

...

Is it the culture?
It probably is

I have been trying to normalize and internalize all my feelings
telling myself


it's okay


I've ranted enough
every day and every moment I've been there

...

However, that doesn't answer the question
Do I really want a career in engineering?
This is my 3rd internship
I'm trying out financing and engineering at the same time now
I see it as a blessing in disguise

it reminded me how much I liked financing more...
the corporate world
the management world

oh what a dream

...

A week ago,
a random conversation came up between me and dad
he asked me if I would continue to pursue my studies
not in PhD or anything
but a Masters in something else

yes I've considered it
a long time ago
but I never see it as something happening in such a short-term

but the feeling has never been stronger
as I have the crazy need to stay where I am
and the urge to turn back
back to what I like
designing, finance, consulting
ANYTHING
that can lead me away from engineering

reminds me how I 've never considered engineering until I needed to submit my personal statement

it has nothing to do with KY
or anyone in that sense
it's what I want in my life

I don't think I want to be an engineer
and that is aching

Now that I've tried it
I can formally say
I don't really like the lifestyle

yes. it has its perks
I get to go home on time.

But, I don't see a clear career progression for me to follow
no goal
but to achieve an objective set by the superior

I'm 40% convinced that I will take an extra year in the UK
just because .. I need a way out ..

...

Dear KY
oh my dear,
communicating with you in Morse code and in French
only further proves how quirky and unique you are
and to me

you've been taking a lot of trips up to KL
even if you knew you'd be my driver instead
going around places for me to meet my friends
go for physio, go out with my family
yet you still came

I dreamt of you yesterday
when you left for Melaka

I dreamt how close you were to me
... a kiss away from me
... holding me in your arms while we sleep .. just like how we used to..
and I didn't want to wake up

for you ARE the dream

...

My friends are currently facing the threat of LDR one at a time
as we talk about feelings
I can't help but think about you
what you've sacrificed for me
and your lovey-dovey eyes

damn. That's a guy in love.

damn. I'm glad I'm that lucky girl.

damn. I'm so terribly in love with the most wonderful dude on earth.

You have the most beautiful dreams and I'm glad I'm part of it. :)





Tours les jours, je t'aime plus mon petit ami :)