12月20日~~

A year in review 

--

1) Work reflection 

It's been a year and a half since I left consulting, it feels like I've taken a sabbatical from consulting and just living a relaxed life. 

Yes there's work, but it's "not the same" 

Now that the wedding / honeymoon stuff is completed, and I've broken my 6month notice period lock-in, I'm itching for more. 

A side income, change of career for growth opportunities... I even googled "should I go back to consulting"

But that's toxic relationships for you, you keep going back for more.. I'm curious about the decision I would end up taking in the end. 

2) Life reflection 

A) Moving back to malaysia 

Of course, it's also been 15 months since we moved back to Malaysia. The lifestyle, culture, living arrangrments and weather changed

I never thought we'd go back to Europe / europe-like countries so soon

 

But our 2 big trips says otherwise (Denmark + Sweden; Australia + New Zealand)

Each time we do, I'm was immediately swept with a wave of nostalgia. I missed it, or rather, I'm used to it. I guess that's the same as my impulse to go back to consulting. 

It's my version of a comfort zone. I do enjoy what I have, being closer to family was always the intention. I believed I've built closer relationships with my colleagues and hung out with more people here. 

But I miss the calm quiet evenings too; reading, playing stardew valley, grocery runs, watching movies, boardgames etc

B) Wedding and House

2023 has an obvious & achievable goal, getting married. ROM, 2 receptions, some traditional things and our honeymoon. The moment it was all over, we started one thing at a time all over again. 

Tbh, it just started feeling that way when we got back from honeymoon 2 weeks ago. 

Everything was lovely, I surprised myself at the decisions I make, the things I cared more and cared less about. 

And in the end, I got what everyone dreamt of... spending eternity with their best friend :) a person who deeply loves and cares for them. 

Ky was patient and supportive through it all, he makes me laugh so hard and is always there when I'm down. 

On a separate note, we rented out our house which helped with finances. A big deal for us, I never thought I'd achieve this so quickly in life. 

2 is indeed better than 1 :)

---

I don't know what 2024 holds, but I'm continuously pleasantly surprised by life everyday.

I'll be alright :) 

11月9日~~

 I came by Su Min's Instagram story, it's a bird's eye view picture of Dundee at sunset and in the afternoon
The caption was "Dundee has my heart, always"

For some reason, the caption and the picture brought many emotions. 
It got me scrolling through my own Instagram homepage instead 

--- 

Each photo has an associated memory, the short story leading up to the moment, the things you touched, the weather, how you felt, scent and taste. 

Have you ever noticed those things start to fade as time goes by, for me the scent and taste always fade first

and the short story gets shorter and shorter, and sometimes the picture resorts to a feeling especially when I look at toddler pictures. Sometimes, it was a feeling that I got from some memories from different parts of my childhood rather than the picture alone.

I wonder what would go first when I get old and forgetful. 
Would the feeling ever fade, or would it get worse than the feelings you get with a fuzzy childhood memory?

---

As of today, I feel it 

1) The picture of me with a flower crown on Brandon Hill.
I remember walking up the mountain with KY, talking our hearts out about leaving this place for Malaysia. I remember asking him if he would ever feel like he's left something behind. And he said he'd like to think that moving on is part of growth. I remember making the flower crown whilst he gazes out and occasionally on his phone, and sometimes we talk. He helped me pick some daisies to finish it up. I remember leaving it behind as a symbol of leaving a little piece of me in Bristol.

2) The picture of us in the living room of Bristol on Chinese New Year 
I remember KY trying so hard to get us in the CNY mood after I complained about having to work the cultural holidays. He cooked, he played music, he made funny gestures and dances, he set up the camera and managed to take that picture.

3) The picture of us in the same spot in the living room of Bristol on Valentine's Day
He made a tiny tent fort for me and cosied it up, he cooked and set up the camera attempting to make this as special for me as possible. We had Mrs Potts Cake in the tent. It was a chocolate cake. I remember feeling how magical this all felt, and how to quote "How I met your mother", "you make me feel deeply loved and adored". It was a fuzzy feeling I'll never forget

I can go on and on but at risk of repeating myself. Who knows, my future self might get lost in the words I write here and just rely on those selected pictures on Instagram. 

Live is filled with so many tiny and big moments. Some tiny moments I attempt to immortalise on social media, let's see how long that lasts. But many tiny moments start to fade, until I read something here, or spot something I've collected a while back. It could be a train ticket, a receipt, or a pamphlet. And it brings me back again. 

--- 

I guess the reason I felt all these feelings, was the effort I put in collating questions for the gate crash whilst on MC last night. These are all easy questions, but each potential answer leads to a memory. 

All these will soon become a memory too, the memory of missing memories. 

---

And some days a little naive part of me hopes that the people who get emotional out of nowhere are doing exactly what this quote says. 

Feeling something twice, the 2nd feeling with the tinge of nostalgia and grief.  

10月18日~~

As I'm still stuck with the 6 months notice without any prospect of promotion 

I'm less accepting of BS's

I'm obviously not happy with my work

Borderline quiet quitting some days as I stop caring about my to-do's

The days that I do the bare minimum... what I was asked to do with max. guidance

I sometimes wonder if this is how I start rotting in corporate 

Perhaps I'm just unhappy of the lack of acknowledgement and mentoring (both ways)

Perhaps I'm really suited to a classroom environment 

Perhaps the lack of ownership and guidance also makes me sad

Some days I'm just no longer as excited as I originally started out with. 

Thankfully I still have things to look forward to at home. 

My husband, my family, my knitting, my reading..

8月31日~~

* Happiness is the realisation that you will be getting married "wearing a gown shaped like a pastry" 
:D 

Did not draw the correlation until I saw on Instagram reels of someone making a Speak Now costume calling it a gown shaped like a pastry, and in my mind I was like "hey, that looks like my evening gown!"

Listening to Taylor Swift mix in the morning really got me productive

Also my boss gave me an angpau for the wedding and it's obvious he's been doing some research online regarding the customaries of Chinese wedding, and it feels like a very nice gesture. 

Which also in return means that I'll probably work a little harder over the next few days because that's how I function when someone does something nice to me. 

Also x2, it feels good to have a public holiday, thus making this a 4-day work week again
I wonder when 4-day work weeks will become a reality? 

* Note: Change "Sunday" to "Merdeka Day"

7月25日~~

- Train thoughts - 

Sometimes i just get to a place

That says "I refuse to think; just tell me what you want"

And then I remind myself that this was what I needed for character building. I take a little walk to the water cooler to add water. 

And go back to thinking and planning. 

It's 7pm now and I'm on the MRT back to my home. 

And I can't help but reflect, I'm grateful for these times. Like in "a little life", I can't help but wonder if these are my "happy days"

The days where I laugh a little, cry a little and grow a little. 

Working like its my last day of corporate life, before I go into whatever there is to come. 

A colleague of mine found out she was pregnant, I had the honour of finding out with her. I can only imagine what her thoughts were. Little matters doesn't it? When you have a child. 

I'm glad that I could do what I can whilst I lack that commitment, I don't regret the choices I've made. Mentally, I feel like I'm ready to take on this challenge soon. I've done what I needed to do, haven't I? 

- Ran a marathon, 

- ran from Bristol to Bath, 

- worked in different cities and abroad

- work from pubs, cafes and trains

- travelled to different countries

- etc

Looking out from the MRT as the sun goes down into the landscape of kepong. I don't think I could have imagined this is where I get to 2 years ago. 

I guess that's what keeps it interesting. 

7月13日~~

On one of those work-highs right now, partially because it feels good to be appreciated

Secondly, because work is getting busy, I'm getting more work that I can own rather than assist, and that keeps me going. 

It's been a while since I have my little piece of work that I own, I haven't had that since EY. 

I liked that :)

I didn't realise how much I missed that. :)

The cross functional engagement, meeting people and building first impressions, hosting meetings, the stakeholder requirements gathering. 

I no longer design processes, but I'm happy to figure out the missing pieces, solve it like a jigsaw puzzle.

On top of that, I get the added bonus of thank-yous. 

7月6日~~

- a work reflection on the mrt -

It's been almost 8 months at this new gig

I want to believe I have grown.

There are days when I do believe, where I get thrown a "job well done" here and there. 

But there are also days when I feel stupid. 

Lost in the maths, in the technical jargon, in the contractual terms. 

Those days tend to plague me beyond the moment. 

I feel handicapped by the boundary conditions I set for myself. 

I got to learn how to grow, and push that boundary condition. And sometimes, I just need to make those mistakes. First-time-rights are rare unicorns. 

It just sucks that my age and inexperience shows. I've been trying to hide that like an imposter usually does. 

What I've been lucky so far, is my colleagues have not consciously tried to set me up for failure. For that, I am grateful. That's the one good thing that comes out of being the baby of the department. They make sure that you are nurtured. 

I'm lucky to have kept the daily journal that puts things into perspective. Reminding me that I sometimes blow events out of proportion. 

Okay good talk. Time to snap back to reality. 

6月6日~~

Life has been a lot of book reviews via "online book club"
I over exaggerated there, I actually only did 4 and 1 of it is rejected (haha!)

Work might get interesting soon, which I take it as it is, and take it as I go
That's what one gets for being the "slide person"

I've been daydreaming again lately.. I would like to (in my little mind)
1) Climb mount kinabalu / everest base camp
2) Start a graphic design business
3) Design the game I've been talking about with Ryan for so long
4) Restart dancing again
5) Run another marathon
6) Be a pro at Yoga
7) Read 100 books / start booktok
8) Start a crochet / knitting business 

Because these are such school-girl dreams :p
I would have strong “那个女孩" vibes like in 陶喆and卢广仲song
... with none of that "finance-gal" or "consulting-gal" energy

no one would have mistaken me for ever being one because I said "hi" 

--- 

Now listening to
我只在乎你 - 王若琳

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ja2plHvNSjI&ab_channel=Joanna%E7%8E%8B%E8%8B%A5%E7%90%B3

--- 

Don't you sometimes feel like 17 was not too long ago too? 
When we're all just starting out as adults, and opening up to a whole world of new things 

And now 10 years have passed by 

--- 

Don't you also sometimes feel like you've left a little something behind every time you move? 
both literally and figuratively? 

Some things just remind me of a special place in my heart

I was taking the MRT home today at about 7.30pm.
Just seeing the sunset with the city landscape made me feel "homesick" all of the sudden

Whether I like it or not, I've left a part of myself in the UK 

It reminds me of all the train trips I've taken 

Even just by replaying the entire playlist of hamilton reminds me of the days in Oakshott Court and Deanery Road

 

2 of those songs now hold a close place to my heart :) 
- One of them KY quoted in the proposal
- the other we listened together as we board the plane back to Malaysia 

I can't listen to them without tearing up :') 

Add that to the list that KY accidentally made special by crying when he sang 

(yes he's a cry baby :p)

---

May I continue to become more human as life goes by :) 

5月27日~~

Certain moments on my career that I miss most

- Winning a sell-on project and having my director call me to say "we did it"

- my juniors saying "thank you"

- having my client say "thank you" and cc my boss

- remembering the names of my clients and the counter lead said "thank you", with a smiley

- everytime someone said, we'll be here if you ever decide to come back

- my senior manager saying "you're in all teams aren't you, I hope it's okay?"

- my boss suggesting to future employees that he would like to bring me along wherever he ends up being

Work has been quiet and it's easy to feel like you don't have it anymore. I've been losing my sanity slowly but surely. 

I have to remind myself that i did have career wins, I am a driven woman, this chill life is not for me. I got to push myself, get out of this with my head held high. 

 #latenightthoughts 

4月18日~~

Disclaimer: I'm fully aware that my circumstances are due to the choices I made 

Whilst those 45 minute train rides continue to bring me peace and contemplation
Period cramps don't just disappear because I start working 100% from the office 

Yesterday, I woke up in pain. Again. I was so exhausted in the morning, in pain in the afternoon.

 

Work-from-home opportunities are precious nowadays

So it's quite uncommon that I come out of it feeling unhappy 

Started reading poems yesterday, to help me see the beautiful and the human in this world 

 

" Words seem hollow

but you feel more hollow than any words

 

hearing the way they echo

and disappear

inside you"

Isn't it beautiful? 

3月9日~~

In a Venn diagram, sometimes you're lucky for happiness and health to overlap. 

But sometimes the overlap just feels more "not unhappy" rather than "happy"

When I'm down, I choose an action that makes me happy not an action that leads me to be "not unhappy"

It's a PID graph, got to overshoot, to normalise

1月22日~~

It's odd having some time for yourself to reflect and do nothing

Yet here I am tonight at 11.32pm sitting and thinking what life has become, listening to Hozier's "would that I"

Which sort of brought me back to Bristol, a place I've left 7 months ago 

A place where I do have these pockets of time for myself. Sometimes alone together with KY, sometimes "alone alone" like right now.

Times like these are like meeting an old friend from the past, you have to slowly reintroduce yourself to yourself. 

Starting with a gentle "hi" and "how are you"

Mixed with old stories, new updates and thoughful silence

How's your health? How's your family? How's your relationship? How do you feel now that you've moved back? What has changed? What do you miss the most?

Things I'd ask myself at times like these. 

True I've answered them a lot of times these past few months, but I felt like I haven't given it enough thought when I say "I'm engaged" "it feels good to back" "my knee hurts again"

It's different from when I decided to move back and I say "I'm moving back for family,they are the most important thing to me,"

It's different from when I said "the stars are beautiful" when I gazed at them at Kruger 

I appreciate the path I've taken these few months, it's like accelerating through life and skipping a couple of levels. 

It's pretty wild, less overwhelming than I thought it would. 

And I appreciate having to do this with KY and our families. 

I appreciate being with people who love me and whom I love, that weather these challenges with me, unconditionally and wholeheartedly 

People are much more human in real life than when they were online and far away. And my present feels less detached from the past. I continue to grasp on to feelings that ground me, and be in the moment each time I do. 

I won't make sense in this post when I read back haha

1月19日~~

I learnt yesterday, that the average age of the company is 40, 30% of us are females. 

So does this make me a minority and an anomaly?

Such a weird thing to be called the baby of the team. To not even have been born when others started working.

I've been wondering how the working relationships would look like now that it seems a lot of people know my age.

I confided to my old boss before he left, he said not to be too hard on myself, and proceeded to tell me why I'm hired. 

It serves as a reminder to myself, to be kind to myself. 

Until then, I have cny to rest and bounce back.