6月23日~~

 My work laptop demanded to be restarted - it's the new windows 10 update and it warned me that it will take 2-4 hours. 

I delayed it once in the morning. 

Only to be reminded at 5pm again. Instead of delaying it one last time, I clicked start now. 

It's 6pm now and has been 1 hour since.. 
My work phone went off.. with people asking me to join out-of-office hour work calls.. 
And I said to them an hour ago - I will fix it when windows update is completed. 

I don't think they realised that it's not a SharePoint thing, but a laptop thing when they screenshotted changes made in case my changes overlapped. 

I decided not to correct them. 

... 

Instead, I breathed a sigh of relief. 
If this were to happen a year back. I would have freaked out, worried, anxious, dialled back in with my phone, followed up on WhatsApp etc... 

But instead, I stepped back - breathed a sigh of relief, whilst being exhausted from the workday. 

How have I changed, realising that I'm just another pawn in another person's political game
Their political pursuits and fight to promote does me no good

My life, and my salary, doesn't depend on the firm selling more / cutting more cost. 
I would, however, suffer from my own decisions (mainly theirs) if I were to be part of that game. 

I got tired of asking questions, especially since when the decision has already been made before I asked them. 

Counting down to the moment I quit - to keep my sanity

6月15日~~

I promised myself not to get emotionally affected by my job 

To disconnect and desensitise myself from rude comments

Unfortunately I still need to learn how to detach myself, to not love and not care about my job 

Don't misunderstand, I do enjoy the learning very much, in fact that's why I sticked to it. But I hated the unfair expectation that these senior people have for a junior person who didn't even know what their business jargon meant 8 weeks ago

I empathise with them, they probably don't do the same with me. My team has helped, but clearly not enough if I'm sobbing on the side and feeling defeated. 

I still care because that's who I am.

But don't expect me to do a manager/senior manager's job unless you give me their salary. It just doesn't justify why I'm working the extra hours and making the extra effort that others aren't putting in to get the promotion. 

If my managers don't understand why and what I'm doing, why should I? My job was supposed to be a support function. 

Sorry, but that one-off 100 + pounds of "applause" just don't quite cut it. And that "take that job for experience" bullshit just no longer cut it. 

A meme page once said "You never know when the urge to quit hits"

It's hitting soon. And I'm this close to it until they change my role again. 

I'm honestly glad that there is at least another grad on the same level as me. 

But she and I and clearly see how different they are treating us and how unfair this is. 

I am pissed, upset, and frustrated. I had to stop this evening. But I know clearly that the work has made my personal life miserable when I start crying over spilled milk ...

And I can't see a way around it.