3月23日~~

Expectations are high, emotions are intense, 

People are getting agitated 

Yet I'm expected to keep my cool (cue West Side Story) 

A biggest no-no in the Malaysian culture in the corporate world is public humiliation

That's when you loose trust. 

I'm at that crossroad where my past values has caught up with current values of "okay let's move on"

I ended up with wasting 1.5 hours of my work day, reluctant to bounce back 

Why should I? If I'm leaving, and not caring is such an easy choice 

I look around and people are counting on me to make the right calls, but to continue that trust, I'm continually updating them on things without knowing how their responsibility will change

I listen and update my approach 

I have continuous one on one conversations, I make time for the team, even if the leadership may think I'm wasting my time 

After all, who cares if this is too fast? Just disregard and move on.  They'll catch up

I just can't do that. Kindness in a corporate

World starts with you and me. 

The team felt my silence, they asked me if I'm okay, offering me support and consolation I never expected

Without knowingly I have a team of 6 backing me up. 

Just because I have those personal relationships, calls and context irreplaceable until someone else puts in the effort to understand and care for another

I'll bounce back tomorrow, with a game plan and a refreshed perspective

But today I'll just cry and drink. 

... I'm very tired ...

This isn't sustainable ...

This can't be sustainable and I'm not the only person that felt that, because I talk to people

What good does it do to any business if both parties are sick and fed up ?

Or is everyone secretly hoping that one of us gives up ?

In that case let me revisit " bullshit jobs "... 

I finally solved the mystery why another lead I'm working with seems to be not so concerned or focused.. it's because they are seconded to another company starting next week

I guess its  matter of time until the rest of the team realised why I'm not so concerned and focused too... 

I'm leaving too... and thought I don't have to care till May

I'll see how the leadership handles this news

Knowledge and relationships are key to power

Unknowingly I'm building up both just by being kind and sincere. I guess it does pay off to be nice! With people offering me recommendations to new jobs, helping me figure out my next steps etc

It's all been really sweet. I'm still staring at the submission button for going back go another consulting job, but I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'll regret that? 

I need to leave .... everyone

I need sanity. Away from the shackles of a team. Etc 

3月18日~~

Just finished a client call, it was an interesting one (like a lot of others) 

I looked myself in the mirror, thinking back to that one scene from How I met your mother where Marshall and Lily walked by each "exhibit" of past marshalls and saying that these versions of Marshall is gone 

I feel like I'm seeing this version of myself going into the exhibit, the "consultant YT" that is comfortable, thriving, charismatic (at least I try) with the way she talks to the client, leading and coordinating with the team as a female leader, whilst striving to be empathetic with her daily life 

I can see her fading into the background as I try to figure out my next phase of life. 

I don't mind talking to older, experienced people with inflated ego, that's just my day-to-day job as my stakeholder list hits 67 people today. 

But what I'm scared is, these people back home, may have never seen me as who I am today. 

It's going to be tougher isn't it? 

... To be a young female, minority leader in a place where it's more conservative, more misogynistic, and where no female leaders exist before me. 

But I know my graduation goggles are on and not a sustainable way to work 

Fingers crossed for a better future! 

3月17日~~

My last working day and contract termination date is confirmed by resourcing 

Now what? 

--- 

It's a mixture of feeling
For this past week, I've received some random thank you notes

I've also got less work, less guidance, but I'm still on the project 

This is a truly weird place to be in, 

I continued to tell people that I'm leaving, The 4th person that I told was Keshie, she was my manager when I joined, and went on maternity leave in the past year, she offered to help me out with Axiata if I'm still considering it. Even help me justify relocation cost if I'm still thinking about EY Malaysia. She suggested for me to tell Jeremy, which I admitted was someone I think would have convinced me. 

The 5th person that I called was my Avi, a director whom I've worked closely. It was a quick 5 minute conversation where he said he knows that leaving a company / country is a personal choice. He is sad, but he understands. And we had a nice chat about how he felt when he left

The 6th person that called me, was Jeremy, he was my director and went full-on "consultant" with me. Telling me to think about the art of the possible and saying that they are willing to work around my "constraints" and when he heard that I may just be around for max another 1-2 years, he advised me that it is no one's business what I want to do in 1-2 years and keep it away from HR, which was really sweet of him. 

The 6th person that I called was Matt R, he is the associate partner who already knew of my leaving from other people by the time I called him. It was a short call and he offered something else no one could. An opportunity to join a project relevant to my dad's business, so at least I can get something out of EY in the next year. This was really sweet of him, and I really did think about this other option for a while

The 7th person I called today was Ben, who is another senior on the project. He was surprised but was just curious how the other people reacted. We had a nice little chat about what would happen to this project and such. 

--- 

I got pulled away to brainstorm on some use cases with KY for his Petronas interview. I'm glad my consulting brain allowed me to BS with little context and help people in one way or another lol

--- 

Anyway, I spent 3 minutes crying in between calls today. 

It's a sign that I can't stay in this industry for too long. This isn't sustainable. 
Surely, it isn't normal to time the duration of each cry and each toilet break (yes including dumps) between calls. 

I can't do this forever. 

I need a way out, but I can't see what the other option is. But I'm somehow at peace because I can see an out. This is a very very interesting feeling.  

I'm okay with being not in control. 

Also - I've been spamming "where you are" from Moana in the past few days. Claiming that it speaks to me, it's ridiculous hahah considering the context of the song. 

3月7日~~

Someone in the team got told off for not delivering with quality and on time

Said someone called me and raised their voice at me, using their blame voice

 

For the first time in my female work life, I called this out "I'm sorry this happened to you, but you don't have to raise your voice at me"

I don't know where this courage came from

Old me would have cried and died 

But somehow a little voice in me says :if you don't stand up for yourself, no one can stop this madness

Just because this person has a dick and a loud voice doesn't give them permission to make you small

Man replied with laughter "its just my voice is high" so I let it go..

When i told another friend about this, friend texted me after "rubbish, he can surely sense the tone of his voice"

I tried not to let that bother me too much, but it did. It truly did. 

And now it's night and I'm scared /upset for this to happen again. 

How often would this happen in the futute then? When I go home and find more misogynistic people with a short temper?

I got to pick up some books to help with my unease. 

3月5日~~

 "The reason why I wanted to catch up is that I'm planning to submit my notice next week"

--- 

I've been planning for this day for a while now. I always knew I was going to go quit eventually and to go home. I just never really knew when ... 

I knew that this was KY's last year in his PhD, he never really dared to stamp that date of when it'll be done, fearing what he said will impact me.  All we know is that his funding runs dry in March.

---

I reached out to people (on linked in - haha) who had left the firm, for advice on how to quit the job, particularly this team in between and had some great advice from them. A plan slowly cooked in my mind. 

---

About 2 months ago, in a random call home, I blurted out with confidence "I'm planning to tender my resignation in March, and officially leave EY in June" I'll maybe hang around for another month or so, just to say my goodbyes or until KY finishes his viva. Though I have a feeling that the latter will happen faster than he expected. I have confidence in him like that. 

--- 

About 3 weeks ago, I decided to pencil in the date that I'll announce my departure on the 11th March. I wrote on my calendar "tender day" beside the phrase "Ky's birthday" 

It was not on purpose, though to have 2 celebrations in a day. It just so happens the end of this nightmarish sprint of a project is on the 4th of March. I don't want to make a mess, so it might be better for my very long project that they swap me out now, rather than later when things are moving at 100 miles per hour again. I chose 11th because "just in case" the project runs a little longer than expected, which it did in the end. 

--- 

About 1 week ago, I scheduled a time with my counsellor. Leaving me nervous for the entire week. 

--- 

When I told my counsellor, Josh, that I'm leaving, he was shock, a little emotional, but he contained it well like any other professional. He asked me if I was considering to transfer instead. No, was my answer. (entirely blocking out all the advice my family and KY has given me of being "open" to negotiation and transfers). 

He asked me how I was feeling breaking the news to him, he asked me about my family, my boyfriend, etc. He's given me advice on getting value out of EY in the meantime... testimonials, referrals, etc.. He shared how he felt when he resigned with his old company. In that 15-minutes he did nothing but spread kindness like he always does. And with that I'm grateful for him to be the first one to break the news on. He suggested me to reach out to people in the mean time, especially to those who has fought for my career. But also to say that I've made up my mind, so no one can put me in that awkward position. 

And we promised to talk next Tuesday to know more about the resignation process. 

--- 

The 2nd person I talked to was my senior manager, who was already very exhausted from the week ahead, it ended in 5 minutes. Like Josh, he asked if it was a transfer. No, once again. I told him that I'm going home for "family reasons" he immediately understood. He responded, "You miss home." It wasn't a question, it was a statement that resonated with him too. He has, also been a long way home for a long time. 

Like Josh, he said this isn't the best piece of news on a Friday, to which I responded "better now than a Monday". He was the first person I broke the news to on the team. He thanked me for letting him know, and told me that he'll help tell my director, but I should also reach out to him too. I agreed and scheduled a call for that on Monday

---

The 3rd person I talked to was a person on the team whom I thought was most likely to takeover my role in the project. She repeatedly said "why" and started tearing up a little. She's joined the company for half a year now, moved in fresh from Malawi. I told her my reasons, we shared our stories. She told me about her experience starting a company in Malawi. The awkwardness of a female leader in the eyes of society. We bonded over shared experiences, in her words " it's going to be difficult for you to squeeze back into that box, but I trust that you'll change that!" 

I finally told her that the reason why I've been giving her tasks from my end and admitted that the morning messages came from the heart. That I have full confidence that she'll do amazing and wonders. (I usually send my message of gratitude in the mornings when I start work earlier - to some of the team members) 

--- 

I send a couple of emails out and ended my day.

---

A sense of relief came over me, I finally got it out of the system. For the first time in a long while, I slept peacefully without work dreams. 

---

Reflecting on my performance in the project in the past few weeks, I realised me having nothing to lose, (I doubt I'll see them or my clients again when I move back to SEA), made me more human for the job. 

I made jokes, I don't mind speaking to a huge crowd about something tricky or controversial, I admit my mistakes and thank clients for pointing it out. I've spoken out more, challenged more, helped out where possible (and also stopped helping when it's too much). 

--- 

I've been stretched and pulled throughout the past 2.5 years, I've grown so much and learnt that I was capable of things I didn't think I could do. 

And hopefully, those who work with me, learn that it's possible to treat others with empathy and kindness in this cold corporate world, like the leaders before me who has inspired me to do the same. 

--- 

It's tough to close the chapter with this country, but at the same time, it's exciting to start that new chapter back home. 

Life's good. Time to hit that "next" button soon, but for now, I'm going to enjoy the transition.