7月14日~~

It's me again. 

I realised that I've been writing a physical journal for 19 weeks now so I read 19 Thursday entries. 

I really didn't mean for it to be a night journal, but it seems to me that since I started my "annual leave" from EY, I've been writing my journals at night. 

Perhaps a sign that I do see myself having some time at night for myself. 

When I used to only see them in the mornings before the chaos. 

Also, started learning Blender to create a 3D doughnut. I'm so random I can laugh.

Got a bit down in the dumps in the afternoon so had Maggi. Lmao. 

7月14日~~

Having mixed feelings about my rejection from BCG

On one hand I feel it is a bit of a shame, on the other I feel relieved 
If nothing else, It made things a bit more simpler... I'm free from the consulting world

I started rejecting companies like Human Inc, Maxis and Accenture, choosing to start my next chapter with Zalora (although the official letter hasn't come out, but hey, if they're asking me a convenient time to collect my laptop, I'm game!) Shopee's offer is still pending hiring approval (so the same  month-long process) so I'll be rejecting that soon too

It was hard rejecting companies like Maxis, since it was a dream come true when the salary got approved and the job was what I expected myself to do when I come back to Malaysia

 It was the first interview I've gotten and the first company that offered me (albeit it took a while to get the salary through) A role in digital strategy, what a win! 

Then Zalora came along, with a completely new role in e-commerce in Commercials, Marketplace partnership experience. It all sounded foreign to me, and I had to read on so many things to ace this interview. It was one of the better conversations I've had in the interviews I've had, a lot of bouncing off ideas, the people were diverse in nationality. I decided to talk to people working there, and the feedback was the same as the ones in glassdoor. I told them if they offered me a salary higher than Maxis (since the role is bigger than I expected), I would go for it, and boy did the HR try. And I got the job. 

Accenture and Human Inc had an interview process which I was familiar with, so I got those jobs. Since the offer wasn't that far off from industry, it was not a tough decision. you would need to pay me more to put me through that again, the travels, the lack of work-life balance, the anxiety of not knowing when you'll need to uproot your life again. 

BCG was an interesting one, I didn't expect myself to go this far. Every conversation was interesting, people were patient, but I know people in there, I know what they are going through and I wasn't super keen in getting it. But it is the prestige trap that I've fallen into, that ego in me that I had to stroke and the greed for more. 

Now that it's done and dusted, I feel emotions running in me, I can't believe this is all happening. I'm actually doing it ... leaving consulting! 

Accenture just texted me however, to have a call in 50 minutes, I'm not sure how that conversation would turn out to be, but deep down in me, I know what I can and cannot do. Writing this down so I don't forget, 

How much would it cost to steal dinner time away from family? 

I'll leave it here. Let's see what happens in 30 minutes. 

So things happened quickly, Accenture is trying to get approval for 36% more than what Zalora is offering me.  In absolute terms, it would be almost double of what other people my age is earning. Let's see if they manage it. 

7月7日~~

This is a life-changing moment for me 

I've turned down an offer letter whilst waiting for the others to come in. The job is what I expected it to be, the people is friendly, the pay is what I expected, and I already knew of the less-than-desirable benefits. And yet, I still turned that down. 

I somehow feel a little sad and a little grown-up

The excuse I gave related to money and annual leave, but I know deep down it was rather about the attitude I've gotten whilst thinking about the offer and the nature of the job itself. 

As I reflect, I realised that I have the upper hand of choosing the team that I'd like to work with. 
And HR knew that too. 

Whilst these are all great and smart people, there's a certain snobbish attitude from some teams that I'm not a big fan of. 

-----

I've never been in this position of power, and it is obvious that my priorities have shifted in the last 3 years when I first turned down a job that pays much better to be closer to loved ones

Now that I'm closer to my loved ones, it's fascinating to see how my criteria has shifted. The salary range people has given me so far has been meeting my bottom line and going above it. 

The annual leave is mostly the same, benefits is okay too. But the team's culture and potential imbalance in my work-life is something I cannot shake off. 

I reflect again on the conversations I've had with friends.

"If I pay you a 20% extra so that you can work 14 hours a day, and on weekends. Would that be enough? Is this life still worth living?How about if I pay you 50% extra? would you give up on that then?" 

The concept of calculating pay by actual hours hit me hard. And how much would I have charged for these extra hours? What happens if I put you with a team that has infectious negative energy but with great work-life balance? What happens if you don't like the job but you get the pay you wanted? 

Despite having been working for 3 years now, I am still trying to figure myself out.  How much am I willing to bend, when is too much "too much" ? 

I know now that a job with intense travel requirements is not for me and my mental health. Yet is there a price that can get me back in? 

Questions I thought I have an answer to, yet when the situation arises, I do something that surprises me. 

No, not like this, I thought to myself. I'll not go back to consulting if industry pays similarly. I cannot lose myself again. It's too dangerous.