10月23日~~

Summing up a crazy week

Skipped classes for a week

I have been designing a booklet for 15 hours in total 

and told a lot of people that they owe me meals 

contributing to my skipping of classes on Thursday and Friday 

on Friday when I finished

I started designing Ge's bday gift :) 

turning her into a greek goddess - aphrodite in 2 hours 

outcome was decent given the short time span :D 

we threw her "not-so-surprise" surprise party :D 

it was nice meeting people they hx and ge keep mentioning :) 

Saturday was my research project day while ge is out with her friends 

we celebrated her birthday as a flat at night for desert and dinner (in that order, cuz we're rebels :3 ) 

soon after, I received a message in the group chat from rj

basically an invitation to Richmond park to check out the meteor shower

yx and I left the station at 11.30 - only reaching so damn late .. around 1 stg? 

t'was a good catchup session though 

listened to lost stars while waiting in the chilly weather with no stars 

rj faked a shooting star for me by throwing his phone, pretty funny actually hahahah 

we left around 3 sth I think? 

I reached home around 4.30 ish 

only to sleep at 5am 

Sunday was insane

I woke up around 12pm 

did my iteration and settled what I needed to do for research project

went for the ICMS recruitment drive at UCL 

met a junior that I've not seen for at least 3 years, promised her that I will catch up with her :) 

was supposed to stay for half an hour, but I think we ended up staying for more than an hour 

typical of us 

was supposed to go to this nice place in nottinghill gate 

but yx last minute called it off

was disappointed but rj took me there instead to find that place 

it was like an adventure that failed hahahha cuz we didn't manage to find the house in the picture

after buying wine, we went str8 to jay's flat

O.O 

it was impressive, no jokes 

but I agree with HX that it was one of the chillest nights that we've had in a while :) 

a night of good food, good company, good music and good alcohol :) 

cloudberry 

I still have no idea what this is 

it's so sweet I think the alcohol tasted like prunes

once again, it's so good to be with the piano again :) 

Monday

Can't believe I woke up at 7 just for a meeting with Qliqa and FutureLabs 

when I have not been waking up early for close to a week 

impressive yt, impressive 

then went out for a run with KY 

which became lunch and british library 

what a week indeed :) 

while life was catching up onto me 

I was catching up with people 

:) 

people asking me questions I haven't thought about 

things I haven't thought of in a while 

questions that tells me more about them instead 

PS: decided to start drinking cucumber water 

let's see when I give up :P 

PPS: le petit prince and his rose still has one of the purest relationship I've ever seen

10月28日~~

What a relatively chilled saturday :)
I was alone in the room
but not really alone :)

Guess what?
I finally finished my part for the appraise :D
time to combat the next part of the design project !! WOOO
(after I help the rest of the team of course)
(and after I finish doing the things I haven't done of course :p )

Since I slept at 3 sth yesterday
woke up quite late today
talked to parents for an hour plus
FINALLY went on a "virtual movie date" with rynn
hahahaha yes he called it a date without my consent :(
WHY hahahhaha ..
but since he is a 闺蜜 .. FINE .. I give him his way

we watched "Clueless"
apparently it's supposed to be a parody of Emma by Jane Austen
I must say, it brings back a lot of Kumon memories hahahha
A nice movie indeed :)

and this was also the day I realize the romantic novels I read
mostly have very low ratings in rotten tomatoes (BOOOO YOU HATERS OUT THERE )

and after not talking to a friend for 3 days (I swear it's because I'm busy)
caught up with him as well

=====

there are just sometimes too much negative energy in this world
without an outlet too that
it's gonna consume them :(

I feels so helpless
when people just tells you that they are "giving up"
that they can't trust anymore
or they have a lot of dark thoughts but can't tell you about it

makes me feel like running up to them
and giving them the BIGGEST FATTEST hug you'll ever see
and say
我在这里

=====

please don't give up :(

please tell me what's going on
you didn't even give me any context when you said
you needed to talk ASAP
and you don't say anything substantial
you just keep saying you are imploding and it's affecting your studies
but you don't tell me what's going on

is that what happens when you don't check up on your friends?
you lost track of what's going on and they just .. do that?
cuz it's just .. so painful to see another in pain :(

please know that i'm here :( although you don't even know I blog lol

legitimately concerned

=====

Everyone needs an outlet :)
Everyone needs a place they can call it their "safe haven"

Dear cruel world, stop plaguing my friends with thoughts that consumes them :(

=====

anyway
today I looked outside the window
and I saw a kid running towards a tree, picked up a leaf and he just started laughing
I smiled at the sight :)

to him, 快乐就这么简单

=====

Also saw this post yesterday

Explaining love to a child:  

Do you remember when you got lost at the grocery store? That was scary right? But then do you remember the feeling you got when you finally found your mom? How safe and happy and relieved you were? And how you ran up to her and grabber her leg, and then you looked up and it wasnt your mom..

hmmmm :)
thought provoking indeed

=====

and to everyone out there,
no matter how long we've been out of touch
no matter how alone you feel

I'll always be here
ready to lend an ear, or a hand if you trust me :)

and if all fails
take 3 deep breaths :)

Love,
YT


:)

10月19日~~

Life caught up with me
累到心累

I knew I needed a break then

I told chris that I won't be attending classes tomorrow
and am grateful he didn't ask much after I told him that
:)
thank you for giving me space :)

This is the first time in a long time
since I've looked at the 40+ notifications on whatsapp (that appeared between 12am - 2am)
and only decided to read a few important chats :)
said no to meetings and hangouts and skype just because .. I'm tired.. and need a break from human contact

=====

It's 3.48am right now
and I can't sleep
but also can't do work right now

I just... can't .. bring myself to care about other people at this hour...
I'm sorry if I sound selfish
but I need some time alone with my thoughts

the 2 coffee shots from the afternoon and the evening have caught up with me
but I was too tired when I got home to do anything with the adrenaline rush

but right now
it's just an excuse I guess
I'm sufficiently awake to do work
but I decided to give myself a break
a detachment from life itself for a while

=====

What's great right now
is being alone with some good alcohol and a piano. :)

=====

Flashback to first year, when I felt so lost, so alone, so disappointed in myself
that I went into kings cross station deliberately, in hopes that the public piano is available...
and it was

I went on for an hour
non-stop remix of songs that I have been dying to play

one of the greatest gift that life has given me
is the ability to play by ear
as long as I know the song enough to sing it, I can play it :')

I want to do it again, but the piano was never available :(

I have been going into kings cross station quite frequently this term
regardless of the distance, and the time (yes, even if it's one in the morning)
and each time the piano is either locked, or someone is playing it

I realize the only time the piano is free, is at peak hours, i.e.  when people are using the piano as a place to put their luggage, drinks and they just sit there
or wait around

saying which
just a few days ago, I saw a guy holding up a sign "welcome back, birthday girl :)"
I looked back, and I saw a girl walking towards him
what I saw in their eyes
was something I've lost for a while
1 year, 2 months and a few days to be exact :)

also,
when I was at Bao's bday
I saw a piano, and went for it :)
one of the best hour in my life so far

=====

I want to catch a breather
but there is just too much going on in me
that I need an outlet

music can be my outlet

I guess maybe that's why I've been playing the guitar so often lately
...
either that, or I'm just procrastinating

=====

yes. I'm drinking whiskey to help with my sleep right now

from the whiskey tour in edinburgh
I've learnt that it takes 5 minutes for the alcohol to hit you
regardless of how much you've taken

I feel like my grandma right now
she takes pure shots of whiskey from the bottle at precisely 9/10pm each night
just to get a good night's sleep

I'm defo not as strong
but you get my point

=====

ps. in desperate need to have tea with Andrea again (I owe her a birthday meal anyway :) ) . Our last tea lasted for 5 hours, and it was great catch-up :) A friend that can keep my secrets and open up to me as well. Rare.

pps. was nice catching up with a friend after 3 years of asking me if i'm available for dinner alone. Thanks for the book and the kind note :)

ppps. was nice being with a person that soaks in and cherishes every moment when you're with them :) thank you for your time. for your 1 hour and 20 mins spent each time you travel to and from my house :) 满满感激. Thanks for being so nice to me :)

=====


I don't want this to happen repetitively again










I need these again
It has indeed been a while.
A long while.

=====

5.14am
yet i'm still awake
a little more than 3 shots yet i'm still awake
good job yt

coffee was a bad call

10月18日~~

最近又开始迟睡了
现在已经3.30am了

曾几何时
时间只是个reference point

曾几何时
又开始喝酒了

曾几何时
又开始爱上音乐了

曾几何时
又开始爱上跑步了

总告诉自己
做完这个再睡
喝完这杯再停
弹完这首再收
听完这首再休息

在夜深人静的时候
听听自己的声音

=====

最近和很多人聊天
才发现自己其实很迷糊，很懵懂

为了要让未来有更多的可能性，
所以未来拥有更多的未知数而更模糊

this is an optimization problem with multiple variables

neither here nor there
工程业？金融业？
都没试过，怎么能那么肯定自己不会喜欢呢？

=====

偶尔当心很烦，我总是爱穿过捷运站，看着世界变幻
 -- 《时光小偷》孙燕姿


天上的风筝哪儿去了，一眨眼不见了，谁把它的线剪断了，你知不知道？
我不要将你多绑住一秒，我也知道天空多美妙，请你替我瞧一瞧
 -- 《风筝》孙燕姿

总觉得孙燕姿的歌，
好像一篇一篇的散文

====

昨天有人写了好长一段文字给我
刚好在designing (never really retired from it anyway, why am I surprised that I'm still doing it? )
所以没什么去想

it's a battle between your beliefs and your vulnerability
it's easy to fall for someone who cares

but in this tug-of-war, there will only be one winner

when I said "it's so easy to just give up in what you believe, you know? Disregard sustainability and fling around"
a very close friend of mine said "yes you can fall in love again, but can you be as 潇洒 when it all ends and you are left with a heartbreak"

what he said, struck on me
how I've wasted 4 years of my life on one guy
and how I don't want to waste time and emotions anymore

however, this is still a battle of emotions

=====

那天和hy & yx 去river thames
看london eye聊心
似成相似的感觉
窝心

times like these makes you believe in humanity in it
how raw feelings can be
how alone other people may feel as well
how you portray in other people's eyes

thank you for trusting me with your feelings :)

=====

10月9日~~

Bite size update: 

2/9 - Dinner with HX, Ge, RJ and KY
3/9 - Training with KY and HX ; Bao's bday (aka Aiesec plus me :3 - meet new friends)
4/9 - Tea with Soph, RJ and YX, Chris' bday
5/9 - Jon stopped by our house to catch up
6/9 - Chris's Surprise Bday Party with Chem Eng
7/9 - Ikea with Kian, JJ, and Jia Yi (new friend!) ; Dream Girls musical with JJ
8/9 - Uniqlo 10k with KY, HX, Faiz, Ronald, met Valerie and Su Mei ; 1st time make police report; Dinner with Jing, Gary, YX and Guang
9/9 - Meeting with Shaz on TIM

====

on 6/9
we received a postcard that was posted to the wrong place
on any other day for mail delivered wrongly I would have disregarded it and put it there to rot

but I do have a soft spot for postcards as opposed to the regular subscription magazines

googling the place, I realize it's only a 5-min walk from my place
so I put down my bag and went over

apparently I need a key to enter the building and post the letter
I googled online later on and realize all I need to do is to write something on the postcard
so they can get it redelivered

but then again
I do have a soft spot for postcards
and I don't want the owner to know that I've read it already .. or write something on top of the postcard
so I made the insane decision to walk over to the post office 15 mins away waited for 10 minutes
before getting it passed to the staff who just smiled at me

something must be wrong with me ...
but I know some time in the future
receiving the postcard will bring a smile to someone else's life :)

====

Speaking of postcards
I've received a few postcards since I reach the UK O.O
I'm genuinely surprised :')

1. Italy - Kian
2. Lisbon, Portugal - Soph
3. Brighton - myself :3
4. Santorini, Greece - Ge
5. Berlin, Germany - YX
6. Geneva, Switzerland - Jamie

Thank you for remembering me friends :')

====

I have a bad habit of procrastinating and I can't seem to stop
send help

====

built a shoe rack from ikea with the girls

I recently read from an article that being independent as so will lead to the idea that you don't need a relationship in your life
and from that article HX and I learnt that we are on level 6 our of 10 levels of that idea^
but 我不要~~~~
:(

will I be alone for a long time?
cuz .. 我不要 ~~

====

uniqlo run
I can't believe it ...
10.2km in 57 mins 59 seconds

....
how did that even happen? O.O
I knew i was significantly slower by the 2nd lap
and I didn't have much patience as before
the route was repetitive, a bit boring tbh
and very unlike the london run I did with vitality last time with yi lian

thanks ky for constantly looking back and waiting for me at the finish line to 冲线 together
even though I kept saying
"don't wait"

:')
here's a tear of being touched

can't believe I met su mei jiejie in the middle of the race omg
she lives nearby
and works at JP Morgan for more than 5 years now
she was the one that was super patient, sat down with me at a coffee shop for more than 2 hours to teach me everything I need to know about the operations in banking
even though I didn't get a spring insight programme with JPM in my 1st year
but I'm still very super thankful :')

she waited at the finishing line
to take a video of me 冲线
super duper sweet
but when I reviewed the video
i'm like "damn .. stop smiling like an idiot girl "

the timing is a PB for sure :')
something I didn't know I can achieve

normally I would be pondering about life as I run
leaving my whole physical state in autopilot mode

it's the best feeling in life

to have time to be alone, to have time to think without being bothered
... but dk why this time my brain is pretty empty ...

Have I actually moved on O.O
oh man .. it's about TIME gurllll

====

on 6/9 also Victor asked me to go to class 10 mins earlier
so he can get his kendrick lamar tix
 and he got it
so hepi for him!

====

heard some good news from jess lyn today
words cannot explain how HAPPY I am for her !!

also read an article about rachel today
I'm super proud of the bbg!!!

====

mom called and told me to
1. eat proper meals
2. don't join any societies and just focus on academics

I lied to both

====

to someone who has been reading and waiting for me to say something
thank you so much for being so sweet
yes this is the 7th time (or maybe even more) that I've said this

I appreciate all that you've done for me
you defo made me question a few things..
life choices and what not

but until then I would say that you're a wonderful and kind being
please don't ever forget that

\
共勉之



**flashbacks


to someone who talked about me behind my back

10月4日~~

Met up with yx, rj and soph today
it has been a while since we've come together again for "London Adventures"

Went to Elan Cafe
quite a nice place actually :)
the interior designs are pastel and floral

I only got the chance to properly talk to soph (ever since our trip before exams) when we head back to Euston

in which afterwards, I continued following and catching up with her until she reached SOAS

...

She took a part-time course in film making and performing arts
while pursuing her degree in law

....

I always say,
there is no turning back
I chose this
I wanted this at some point in my life
I made sure I was on track

in some sense I was very asian
I chose the "safe" pathway
the one that "ensures" a steady income


a lot of my career choices had nothing to do with science
a lot of management related degree
and a lot of disapproving looks and comments from family and friends

until i settled on medicine
and later on .. engineering

a course / career pathway that I have never EVER considered in my life

...

I remember how it felt like when dad looked at me after I submitted my personal statement
and said

"You seem to like art and craft a lot.. why don't you choose something to do with art and designing? I would support you for sure."

Mom and I were both in shock

It was a moment in life, when I realize I had a choice  

People always say if you take up art stream there is literally no turning back to science-related subject
but the truth is,
even if you take up science stream
people's expectations on you will have the same effect on you.
no turning back.

regrets meant nothing.

now.. as I'm in my 3rd year
I'm even more confused than when I was 18


having responsibilities in different organisations / clubs
taking up various roles during both my internships in engineering firms


I never did ANYTHING related to engineering. How sure am I, that I don't want to be an engineer? or if I want to be an engineer?


I love the idea of creating, solving problems, helping people, supporting a cause I believe in..
yet I still get drawn to clubs that have more to do with branding, designing and marketing ....
than banking, investing, and technology ...

I'm losing myself.
yet I have no guts to try out different options.

It's like being pulled in different directions
hence staying in the same spot.



My interest towards engineering is still an unknown.
especially since my contribution towards my engineering projects always have something to do with research, financial risk analysis, designing and presentation.
I rarely touch matlab until I absolutely must, hence I deem myself inadequate to be in a position of an engineer.

gg.
time to experiment in my 3rd year? or nay?



---------------

Oh ya
these 2 weeks have been my "creation" week

1. made a focal wall full of postcards and cards from family and friends based on a pinterest picture
2. installed curtains without rods
3. installed hooks behind the bathroom door (i know.. it sounds lame, but I was a tad proud of myself :3 )

giving myself a pat on my back for those ^

------------

ps
中秋节快乐

-----------



quote from "Letters of Juliet"

A movie that I've at least watched 3 times :3
despite how predictable it was

saying which, I should write a letter to "Juliet" in Verona
it's in my bucket list anyway ..


but what do I have to say ?