8月23日~~

Another senior has decided to leave the firm 

I congratulated him - and as I wind down for the evening (over glasses of wine)

I can't help but wonder - what I would do if I were to leave in the next year :) 
One of my seniors just told me about an opening for a risk management role in a bank 
It reminds me of how lucky I am to be in the position I am in right now 

I just got promoted, but I took it with so much self-entitlement that I no longer recognise myself 

16-year-old me would have been rejoiced no matter the situation 
I would have worked my ass off - and be immensely grateful for the slight bump in responsibility 

Now I'm just filled with so much resentment for the work-life I'm in 
That it's just a bit sad (in fact I read back a few of my recent posts - which just sounds like a miserable adult)

But seriously, what would I be doing with the extra time? 

Few friends reached out to talk about taking some time off for a vacation 
I'm still conscious about travelling out of the country (partly because I know KY would be uncomfortable about the whole idea and I don't want to do it without him)
Also super aware that I am a big FOMO when it comes to having fun, so I have to take a few steps back to ask myself if I really wanted to do it - or I just don't want to be left out
Also, also - I'm also super kiasi - with the amount of covid stories going around - I don't want to worry the people around me 

I take a breath of fresh air whilst peeking outside the window with a glass of wine in my hand 
*sigh - is that how this all ends - and how will I cherish my last year in the UK? 

When I start moving away from the place that has advanced in women's rights / racial minority's rights
to a place less so? 

Don't get me wrong - UK has their own problems to deal with - and I do feel left out at times, but at least I'm looped into the conversations that attempt to resolve it 

But, sometimes, conversations with friends just remind me that I'll be going back to a place where I'm no more than a housewife, and no less than a tiger-lady. That somehow, being who I am would no longer be the norm. That I would have to come up with an argument and justify why I am the way I am. 

I find myself choking at words to explain how I'm feeling right now, even to closed ones. As if, I won't be able to do so, until I have 10-years of experience in the field and have built the credentials to do so. 

Here I am, tired from a 10-hour workday, dreading for the future that doesn't seem more promising than it is, thinking about what I can do to just preserve what I have now, without losing the ones that matter. 

There's really no way around this. I just have to go home 

PS. Be kind to yourself

8月10日~~

Drained and exhausted from the emotional roller coaster that's all just in my head. 

It's getting in the way of work, and when talking to loved ones. 

I'm starting to catastrophise and microanalyse every thing people are telling me, and considering shutting myself out of loved ones just to "teach them a lesson" 

But really, I am just too exhausted and embarassed by my own thoughts to explain to others what mental illness is. 

I recognise these behaviours, 

I read books on them,

I have worksheets on how to deal with them, 

Yet here I am 

I have to stop this madness. Should I see a GP, but for real this time?