10月14日~~

8.10am

As we are approaching hang's first birthday

The harder it is to be in denial that he is growing up and into the toddler phase. 

Technically our families have been talking about his first birthday since he hit 7 months (四舍五入situation) so I always felt "forced" to confront the reality

Today when he was being carried into his school another little boy who looks so much like hang was running behind him. 

And I cried in the parking lot .. saying "I dont want him to grow up."

I always laughed while saying it like a coping mechanism. 

I always say "But he is not yet 1 years old" when people started giving me advice that I knew is not for a baby but more for a kid or an older toddler. 

But today. Today I am forced to look into the face of time.. asking for more whilst knowing that I can't. 

Almost one year in, but I still debate in the parking lot whether I should quit my job just to be with him full time to get more time with him, whether i have done motherhood right.. 

Evolutionary biology has made me cry in the parking lot i am sure .. separating a mother from a baby in the animal world will make the mother fight like mad. Yet what kind of mother am I that walks away from baby every morning? But in this logical, practical world where capitalism runs the world. I need to and I have to. 

One day I will be able to look back at all these and laugh at how I catastrophise things, or maybe even blame it on PMS or some hormonal things. 

But not today, today I grieve.

9月16日

4.53pm 

My notice period got extended to 31st Dec. 

It is indeed what I offered but I honestly was mentally prepared for an early release. 

The reaction I got from my colleagues were immediately "hey here's the work you're 'supposed' to do"

I was asked if I regretted offering an extension. 

I said "a little, but I know it was the right thing". Now i am mentally calculating down the days that I have clear to get out. 

Sad isnt it? The state of the company i am in. 

And it is just a "waste" because I really did believe in it. What i was doing and what can be done. 

Yet today i'm merely a "police" and a "secretary"

9月11日

4.27pm

Motherhood made me simultaneously more conservative and bold. 

9月9日~~

8.54am

I resigned yesterday. On email at 4pm, and later in a letter at 9pm

Strange because at this moment I'm thinking what would come first? Finishing this new book i started (the Dream Hotel) or getting my last date finalised?

Work didnt stop immediately. 

I continued to work on decks and take only to have resigned somewhere in between emails. 

Strange how I was only offered to hire a junior last friday, today I was promoted in status for teams channel from the departure of yet another colleague... and yesterday I resigned. 

No one knows and I savour the secret that only I and a handful of other holds. 

But when the time comes, would I let the rumour spread? Or would i take the opportunity to clear my name if it is dragged through the mud? 

9月7日~~

10.14pm

Taking risks as a working mom is scary as heck. 

Taking 2 steps back because I know it will only propel me further to where I can be. 

Call me stubborn 

call me mad. 

I will be resigning tomorrow from a job that brings in good money, good hours and a boss thay trusts me. but it bores me and what used to be exposure I now treat as mundane administration. 

And then the clock starts for a new beginning. 

Scary but alive. 

Is it the right time? It has to be. 

9月6日~~

3.23am 

Had to excuse myself

Got a bad cough for the past 2 weeks. Strangely long. 

Anyway 

My baby boy doesnt know how to speak, but he knows how to communicate to figure out if i am still there. 

each time I leave the room, he will say "uh" every 3 seconds to see if I respond. If I no longer do, it means I am no longer near him. 

So to every "uh" I would say something like "hmm?" "Hang?" and "mama"

Everytime I come back he would stand facing towards the direction i left. And it doesnt matter where I was he figures out which was the last time he sees me and pulls himself up to wait for me to come back. 

Gosh the little things.  

8月17日~~

8.23am 

This morning as we drop hang off at school. He kept turning away from the thermometer and the teacher, burrowing his face into my shoulders.. 

And when the teacher carried him in, he cried so hard. And kept looking back at me, as if he was pleading me to please take him back. I smiled as my heart dropped... 

I tried to fight back my tears. Gosh, this lifetime of tears is waiting for me isnt it? 

I was warned by huckleberry that there are some grand milestones that comes with hitting 9 mths.

I'm constantly fascinated by him, his focus and curiousity as he plays with his toys. He just sort of picks it up, hit it against each other, puts it down and picks it up again.. His tenacity when he keeps falling down but still tries to stand up with one hand on the railing, and the other one holding his burpcloth. 

As he starts to know more about the world, I guess he also discovers it is a world of temporary goodbyes. That hurts us both.