12月18日~~

"I know it's break, but I don't feel free"

That's the first thing I said at our final presentation on Friday.
I mean, how could you feel free when you have 4 reports to write in the winter write? 

Literally, one each week if you want to make it in time.

Today is Tuesday

Since Friday, I've been putting off work 

Started doing something else 

cleaning, christmas prep

But mainly cleaning

The house is empty now

And I've been alone for 3 days now I think. 

Lucky for me, I still have friends in London who takes me out every once in a while for the past few days

My friends who knew I wouldn't be travelling this winter 

were all surprised by my action

It has been quite rare for me to spend the holidays at home

I guess 

I have been very lazy, haven't I :) 

For the first time in forever, I don't want winter to come.
Nor do I want it to end. 

I want everything to end.

 

11月29日~~

Short break

===

Had a talk with a few people for a while

How far are you willing to go for your partner?
What do you value the most?
What's the absolute tie-breaker?

The comfort of university is leaving us in due time
And we're all planning our next step

What would you choose? Love, money or dreams?

Sure you would argue it depends on your values
or that these things are interdependent, or the golden question of "why not all?"
there's gotta be an optimal value somewhere?

The truth is
it is, and will always be a constant compromise between different factors.
It all depends on how we prioritise things.

Yes, things would have been different
but what are personal goals
when I know there's something bigger in stall for me?

I have constantly taken joy from work achievements,
reached contentment from being together with my loved ones

The sort of passion involved is different but intense.

So what do I want to be? passionate about my work? or content with my loved ones?

I looked around for answers and searched my past for lessons to be learnt
I knew that having strong affinities to jobs that I'm on
was taxing to me and my partner. And more often than not, it stresses and strains a relationship

This time, I know there is no way I would make the same choice.

===

It puts a tear in my eye,
to think that the people I love, love me just as immensely
they were so supportive to my decisions
My parents were supportive for me to try EY Bristol,
KY was supportive to me going to more assessment centres or taking a job further away or getting a job elsewhere

I knew that I'm truly loved as equally or even more than how much love I have for them
They constantly put my dreams ahead of theirs, a green-card to be selfish for myself

===

But what if, I don't want to be that person?
I don't want to keep going upwards and onwards
I don't want to get a job forever
I want to get a family
settle down, quit my job, and make time for my family
Isn't that a blessing in itself?
What if, I never really had big dreams?
And was always going with the flow and see where life takes me, working hard wherever I am

However, I just can't shake the thought that
What if I do? What if I want to?

Was I just scared or simply never considered a life if I remove everyone from my life?
That's probably it anyway.

===

I won't say that I'm at my best performance when I'm in a relationship
but I do become extremely human when I'm in one

===

If my life ends now,
what would my most grateful thing be?

Would work come into mind first? Would dreams come into mind first? Or would the people that I love come into mind first?

I guess it's going to always be the people.
For without them, there is no purpose.

===

I remember my high school teacher asking us a question

"Would you like to be frozen when you're old and sick, and wake up in another 100 years when a new treatment is invented?"

The question around the class was quite instinctively a "Yeah, why not?"

But what she really meant to ask was "Is a world without the people you love, a place you'd like to be in?"

Growing older and having more appreciation towards the people around me.
My answered would have taken a different spin.

===

There must be a reason why my heart flutters every time I see you,
and counting down to taking long train rides get me excited,

You, are my choice.

From here on till the future, for as long as I can,
every decision I make will be for you, and for us.

===

If I die today, I die knowing that my love for you and for my family, is constantly expanding like the universe
And that love, is constantly reciprocated
And that's all that matters.

11月25日~~

Name 3 things that you're grateful for

1. You
2. Being in the same country as you
3. Knowing that you're grateful for me too


===

It's very easy to want more
to have the desire for more

but it's also nice to know
that there isn't a pressure to do so

and I know that I'll be loved even if I don't get it

===

You are my end goal
but do I have more goals?

That's a question that only I can answer
yet answering it is something I'm scared of
I don't want to drive another relationship away

What if I do? I'm such an extreme person
I need to get a job that I half-love so I don't spend my every waking moment thinking about it
but is it just a cowardly attempt to cover-up my fear?

I don't know
but I do know that I'm scared

11月23日

12.13am

While I type out my report, I have been replaying songs on YouTube

I had this flashback to Year 2

To the times when I used YouTube replay for a few songs
我的爱，天黑黑，我怀念的etc
Around a month or so after I had my heart broken from a long relationship

I would turn off the light, lie on the table
and listen to the songs while I stare at the street lights outside, into distant memories

I would cry myself to sleep
and wake up to the same songs

I repeated this for a few nights

===

How things have changed
I'm in my Year 4 now
and as I walk home at night with headphones on and a shared Spotify account
I heard a sudden cut in my songs to "La Vie En Rose"

I knew he was on the other line
And I can't help but smile :)

Damn, I'm a lucky girl.

Listening to the songs, I see distant memories
2 years ago, I wouldn't have known that I could fall so deeply in love
with a man that is probably much more in love than I am,
so much so that he bought a bus ticket to London last weekend when I was about to leave Exeter

And he is coming tomorrow :)
He worked so hard the whole week, just to come to London tomorrow.
When I open my eyes tomorrow, tomorrow will be the end of a weekly countdown to what gives sense to everything.

What a great feeling innit? :)

11月19日~~

Research is driving me crazy
Both NICE and my Research Project Module. 

Please may this week be over soon.

PS. I had 3 cups of coffee today.
Is this a cry of desperation? 

Feeling Attacked

Sometimes, I feel attacked

===

Is it wrong to want to get a job?
Is it wrong to want to go to my brother's graduation?

People at their jobs sometimes forget about the most important priority
People lack of understanding of what's right and from what the rules say is right

===

Sometimes, I feel a little helpless

===

No one is giving me anything to work on, no room for compromise
on something that requires compromise

it's my quiz or a job
it's my presentation or a family's graduation ceremony

it sounds ridiculous
a lack of compassion almost
that is very disappointing and negative to me

I feel like responding to the people with powerful words and statements
instead
I was the one who's not firm and willing to compromise

It's all just a power game in the end.

===

One thing for sure, I have a deadline at 9am tomorrow.
I still have a report to write.

Tears are shed but sadness do not have the time to stay.

I called my parents
they were understanding

I feel like I should go 'f u people, I know what's right for myself'
yet the scaredy cat in me is still afraid

11月14日~~

2.25am 

So it begins again huh? 

The process of drinking tea, taking naps and sleeping late

now that's university for me 

I called KY at 10.30pm

for a very short call of less than 5 minutes

He could tell that I was very stressed out

As a result, he stayed till 1am for me

doing my coursework coding for me

I have flashbacks to CNY

He knew I had a huge deadline coming soon,
the date was 15th December 

One day after my birthday
I remember that clearly

He told me that he will turn off silent mode from his phone
in case I need him

My family and relatives just blew me a cake, which was very very very sweet 

but I'm afraid I was too stressed to thank everyone and talk to everyone 

deep into the middle of the night, I started crying and breaking down
I can't seem to get the results I want 

I called KY 

He picked up 

He turned on his laptop 

and did it for me 

made sure I was okay 

before he goes back to sleep 

These are the things that remind me that 

I'm loved. 

Truly. Deeply. Unconditionally. 

it's 2 in the morning, I just finished my video interview with Newton Europe
And I know, deep down in my heart, that this is a no-go and a waste of time. 

And all I can think about .. is him

I can't wait for Friday,
the long train ride didn't really bother me
Because I knew he would be waiting for me when I reach the station :) 

11月11日~~

It was our anniversary yesterday

and it's the end of reading week today 

===

Last Saturday I went to Exeter,
finished a couple of online interviews (PwC and KPMG), had meetings with my supervisor

came back on Wednesday 

went to Atkins on Thursday, had cakes and bubbles on the same day with YX and HY

then on Friday, you visited

we celebrated our anniversary on Saturday

I sent you off to the station on Sunday, and I had gyoza with the flat at night 

Here, marks the end of my reading week 

=== 

Every time I go to Exeter,

it's like a quick getaway from life

I could focus on work, I could focus on myself, I could focus on you

When I get back to the hustle and bustle of London, 

I can't help but feel pressured to move fast, but with you by my side, I slow down and enjoy moments

===

The night before of our anniversary,
I came to fetch you with a sign saying "KY" with niaoniao bear on it and us on the side
I gave you a card, we watched "white chicks" and had German Beer

we definitely had better shows to watch, but I just couldn't help it 

It was nice to be hugged to sleep and waking up to being hugged :) 

On our anniversary we went to the Breakfast Club, the huge bookstore in Charing cross

where you bought me a book

went home to chill
you bought me flowers

we went out for dinner at Spring, Somerset Houes

and I took you to a jazz bar 

My phone was constantly at 30%, yet I didn't wanna check it as often as I usually do 

I enjoy my every moment with you, talking to you on the most random thing

And when I see you enjoying yourself in the jazz bar

I looked at you, just looked at you
you were closing your eyes, tapping to the music on one hand, and holding mine in another 

you were swaying to the beats and didn't want to go home until everything is finished

 

I think to myself, that I will never want to forget this ever 

===

Thanks for being absolutely amazing :) 

I'm Staying

For every breakdown is a breakthrough

...


As I was playing 'two dots' on my phone,
a private number came in

My heart pounded fast as I muted my laptop
I can hear it ringing through my head

"This is it," I tell myself

I picked it up
I was right, Barclays was calling

She first started off by apologizing for not getting to me earlier
and asked me how I thought of the A/C
I told her that I don't know what to expect
It was a mixed interview, half went well, the other half was confusing

She laughed
and said she will put me out of my misery with some good news

"We're going to offer you a place with Barclays"
I couldn't help but gasp
as I thank her

The rest was a blur,
she runs me through with some basic information on what I should expect for the grad programme
 when I should start
and what's the pay
- my eyes widen as I wrote the pay down -
this is something beyond my dreams

she promised to send me the contract within these 2 weeks
but to be fair, I was too excited to hear her

I thank her again,
put down the phone

I dialled KY's number
and I told him "I got the job!"
and continuously shriek while on the verge of tears
it was my first A/C and I got it!
until I mumble the words

"Darling, I'm staying" 

I texted my family, they're now asleep
thanking them for all the support they've given me
and that it's finally time for me to send some money back home

I shared the news with a handful of my friends, and those who have coached me
they shared my happiness, asked me to start with the London Jobs and not move so far away, told me that they will do a quiet mini celebration later for half an hour, tell me that i'm another role model that you don't need an internship to get a job in the UK, let alone a high-paying one

I am thrilled
Finally, some certainty in life which I crave.
Finally, I am free from the bounds of engineering after graduation

I can see my future unfold before my eyes
I feel myself thanking everyone in my life, everything I've been through is a blessing in disguise
I feel myself on the verge of tears while I can't stop smiling,
I took a short time to breathe and look at the mirror that I couldn't stop polishing when I was stressed out ...

Damn .. this girl is staying





Also, a shoutout to my darling 
who was there for me when I was stressed out
followed me all the way to Northampton with his parents (which also means an extended gratitude to them too) 
held me tight every night when I had anxiety attacks from the unknown
reassures me all the time when times are tough
and for supporting me :) 

I love you, so so much.

10月25日~~

Stress does things to people
the same goes to sleep deprivation

---

I don't know what it is about me
I can't seem to focus
my heart is going full speed ahead
I couldn't sleep properly
It's detrimental
Is it the overconsumption of alcohol and caffeine again?
I doubt so
It's the regular amount, if not, much less than before

Think it's probably the stress
I'm losing control of my own life

The wait after the assessment centre is definitely torturous
Is the phone going to ring now? in 5 minutes? in the next hour? the next half a day? tomorrow?
Will they send me an email before they call me to prep me for what will follow?

I don't know
All I know is that
my phone is going to ring soon
and I can't stop recapping on the interview questions
things I've said, should have said and shouldn't have said
It haunted me last night

I broke down crying in the middle of the night
I can't sleep properly
I spent the whole night redoing the interview in my brain over and over again
The wait is hell

and I'm in dire need of a break for myself

---

10月24日~~

"It was the first time everything I've done in my life made sense"
as I wrote in my cover letter and deleted...

You came to mind

----

"May I ask the graduates to stand up and thank the people, who have supported you throughout this journey"
You stood up and looked at me
You applauded for me while I clapped with excitement for you

In that moment, I felt a tear in the corner of my eye
I am so proud of what you've achieved thus far and am genuinely excited for what the future holds for you

---

This week has been a dream
Unlike what I've anticipated, my grad applications are still surprisingly in the green boxes in my excel sheet

- progressing - 

I even got an A.C. yesterday in a job scope that I thought I would least likely get through!
Technology in banking for Barclays
Can you believe it?

I don't either
lol

On the bright side, it was good practice! Results are due to come in tomorrow or on Friday
It's either going to be a continuation of a dream or a brutal crash into reality
I have no idea

but hey, it's only the first :) and I've done my best

---

Thanks for believing in me :)
even in the moments that I don't

10月3日~~

Career stress hit me like a bus.
What would do if I can turn back in time 5 years ago?
"Get into the tech field, or get into the finance field"
No matter how disgusting I think both are, I just have to find a way to make this
"Marriage at first sight" work

If I knew what the trajectory of the world would go, I would have swung that way.
But then, How was that 17 year old going to know what she was going to be?
I'm 22, and I still have no idea what I want.

If all cause are lost
I'll go back to the country where the prime minister says
"Engineers are made because there's a national car."

I wish I knew
but my dad was right
I keep swaying around because I wasn't worried about being broke and poor and hungry
I keep trying out different industry because I wasn't hungry enough

That... is the biggest problem I have

I won't know if I'm working for a lost cause
Or is there a pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow?

I wish there was a way
I wish I knew

9月30日~~

I woke up to a nightmare
And I remembered that he was right beside me
I snuggled over as he put his arms around me
In his sleep, he uttered "I love you so much"

He turned over and pulled me tight

Little things like these reminds me what I'm fighting for every day

9月26日~~

Periodically freaking out
It's taking a toll on my personal life
Ah, I can feel myself crawling back to my old self... slowly but steadily

Everything comes with a price.

But talking to friends help
Change of plans, I choose what I want to do.

To the future :)

9月22日~~

Here we go again 😊

But this time, it’ll work, I can feel it
---

It’s about believing in a dream, together
It’s about knowing that you’re not alone when you feel that you are

Summer was a trial run, to be 2.5 hours away from each other,
You still made the effort to visit me once every 1 or 2 weeks

Now, we’re a 3-hour train ride away from each other
But I can see myself going to you every 2 or 3 weeks
Heck, I would go more often if I have the chance

The most comforting in this distance
is that you’re one call away from me,
you’re one train ride away from me,
you’re in the same time zone as me
and that you miss me just as much

Saying goodbye was painful
the tears, the heartache, the long hugs and the song


We deliberately designed our rooms
to make it a fit for 2 occupancy
It reminds me that separation was temporary
and that you’ll come back to me
and I’ll come back to you in the not-so-distant future

We buy train tickets in advance
so we know when the next visit is

We set goals and plan Bs
so we know what to achieve to be with each other and that it’s okay if we don’t

Mature relationships are to compromise but also to know your limitations
to talk things out when things are different

Here’s to mid-distance relationships 😊

9月21日~~

I've got no guts

---

Everytime I've got no guts
I come here to rant
to talk about my life and pretend that I do have the courage

As I browse through the internet
I decided that you know what? Why not I offer my services as a graphic designer?
Part-time, freelance
whatever...

And then I realize
I got no guts

I go over to the websites
and I check them up in the Tier 2 sponsor list

I'm so well aware of my disadvantages that it eats me up
I have the guts to freelance to my friends
To build a freelance design account

but no guts to get a new customer or
sign up to a PR agency

what's going on?

And before I know it
I go back to doodling
to designing

Designing has always been a safe haven of mine
oh god oh god what have I done?


A little note to self then ...

9月20日~~

So I'm in the UK right now,
or more specifically in Exeter with KY now
or even more accurately, I'm at home :)

Exeter seems to be a city stuck in the past
It hasn't changed since I last came here 3 years ago
But this time, I know I'm coming back
again
and again
and again

This city is like an illusion to me
something more like a dream than a reality

One that I'm struggling to keep myself from waking up
and struggling to wake up at the same time

Everything was relatively slower
than London... than KL ...
One that I see myself retiring in, or working in when I'm older and look forward to a plateau in my career
The only problem is, I'm too young and my future is uncertain

How does one work hard, and be at peace with oneself at the same damn time? 

I don't know yet but I still have time to figure it out before classes start next Friday
I started with a game plan but every now and then I started to take a break and soak in the dream that I'm in now like a sponge

KY is right, the longer I stay here, the more momentum I lose
and that is why I have to leave on Saturday

I pondered and I cried as the fear of uncertainty took over me
At that time, Sindy's message came in

She told me that she is going back to Malaysia, after being notified that it takes 2 months to go through the application and by that time, her visa would have expired and she should stop trying

I cried as I saw this message
I saw my future in a glimpse
She was going through the same thing that I am now last year

I told her that I was sorry to hear that
In reality, I was also scared that this would happen to me too

She told me not to be sorry for her, for she is at peace with herself
She found a good reason to go home and that she had tried her very best and that was what that matters

After giving it some thought for a night
it all made sense to me

I was avoiding uncertainty all this time
Focusing on Plan A, with a fear of a Plan B

---

Last night, in the arms of my sweet darling, I cried for 2 things
the fear of leaving Exeter, the fear of leaving the UK

He asked me to focus on the long-term plan, and that it's okay to have different short-term plans
so long as we have a common future

Damn, as an avid reader of my blog (if you ever exist)
There should be a facepalm coming right about .... now!
History repeating itself at its finest,
but would this time be different?
It probably will :)
The process? The ending?
I don't know, but I sure as hell hope that it's a happy ending

---

As we held each other close to our arms to the song we love he most
I see a little tear in your eye as you wiped away mine

You'll be back
and I'll be back

---
Thanks darling
for pointing out the obvious to me
over and over again

Rebirth

A moment to document

A moment in the rain

A moment of peace

---

For so long I've been holding on to every grudge while counting my blessings

but today is the day I realize it didn't matter

---

Today I went out for a run

Not in the gym

but on the tracks

In a familiar route 

with a different kind of "first"

I haven't been running outdoors 

I took a deep breath and ran in small steps but at a constant pace

It started getting cloudier,  

halfway through, it started raining heavily 

My eyelashes caught the rainwater and my phone was wet
I licked my lips and it tasted like diluted salt water, a mixture of sweat and rainwater

I dodged the puddles and ran in bigger steps 

I didn't know I had it in me 

Soon enough, I was back at the usual pace

I started smiling as the song "Go The Distance - Lucas Grabeel" was playing in my earphones

I can't help but reminisce over the past 9 months 

I started tearing up and started laughing as I run 

I haven't felt so free in such a long time 

I don't really have a lot of alone time
but when I do, I feel the subtle change in myself

---

Throughout this time
I've lost my grandfather
got 50% on one of the biggest projects
had troubles with the university and visa
failed every internship interview and ended up telling one of them who hired me that "I'm a bit tired, it's 4 a.m. in the morning"
got turned down by companies due to my physical state
lost sight of the future and what I wanted

with every breakdown, there is a breakthrough  

The day I started walking up the stairs, and then down the stairs
The day I got my full curl and full extension
The day I started to walk without crutches
The day my physiotherapist told me I can start running
The day I started hiking up the mountain

and of course,
today

The day I start to run


"You can't run away from danger, you can't work with us"
"Why would you tell your parents about this?"
"I would have done things differently if I were you.."
"Why are you so careless?"
"You all didn't try caving in Taman Negara? Why didn't you? Too atas for it?"
"Why are you always at home?"
"So, you guys just .. chill at home?"

All the unintentional/intentional accusations and mean things people said to me and to the people I love didn't matter anymore...

I can run, therefore I am free

I learned, once again, I'm only limited by what I put myself to be


The rain washed away my limitations, and the negative energy cloud hanging around me.
Dear world, watch me as I make my comeback



Stuck in my brain throughout the run

PS: Happy 10 months darling :)
Remember how you've explained that time is relative on one of our tube rides home? 

You are the proof, that time is indeed relative. 
You make every love song linger longer than they do
You make the disastrous days go faster than they normally do
How you've made time relatively fast and relatively slow is beyond my imagination

The moment that I surrendered into your arms as you firmly pulled me in, was the day I fell in love
The day I knew you love me, was the day you chose to stay when I begged you not to.

How deep is your love? You're redefining the word "depth" as we speak, challenging the Mariana Trench every day
Thank you for making us believers in love again. :) 

9月3日~~

4.15pm
This is a typical Monday afternoon

The office is warm, stuffy and everyone is concentrating at work
I have been crunching numbers since the morning
Concentrating so hard on my tiny excel screen that I ignored the phone screen that lit up at least 5 times with missed calls

I hear the printing machines running loud
I turned my head towards the door

it's just someone from sales

I turned my head back to my screen and continued to concentrate on my cash flow projections

The engineer I worked with pointed to me
"That's her"

I lift my head up to her in confusion

Engineer: "Her boyfriend is here?"

...

Me: "My boyfriend is here? "

The receptionist answers in a monotonous voice
"Yes, he says he called her a few times but she didn't pick up"

I looked at my phone
3 missed calls from KY
and 2 from another number

I can't help but feel confused as I walk through the door
'Is something wrong?' I asked myself

As he walked through the main office with a small bag in his hand,
I can't help but smile..

Over Merdeka weekend, he came over to my place and spent it with my family at Taman Negara
After he sent me to work today he was supposed to visit his uncles and go back to Melaka
Over lunch, I was trying out my luck and asked him if he was, perhaps, thinking of staying another day, to which he said no
You can only imagine my surprise when he came

He bought me food, coffee... and a watch 

Yesterday, he started asking me about what sort of watch I wore for sports, what colours I have for watches etc

and here he is today

To have a loved one visit me during work hours
is beyond my wildest dreams

Thank you for all the surprises and the happiness



PS. Is it weird to fall in love with "Say Yes to the Dress"?

8月25日~~

Until I met you, I never knew someone could love me to this capacity :) 

---

Other than my family of course :3 

---

So, what happened was

I'm going to choose my modules for Year 4 

As some of you may have known 

I'm kind of in an identity crisis for some time ever since I started my internship

I knew 

I can't be an engineer for a very long time 

But at the same time 

I've had that sincere fear that people would judge and limit me by my degree 

Tbh 

I've always known 

But I thought I could soldier on with something I don't like 

The identity crisis is currently resolved 

and I've decided what I want to become or can become 

understanding my own strengths has never been my forte unfortunately 

I've been so focused on what I couldn't do 

that I forgot that I can play to my strengths 

---

When the module selection came in 

I was in panic mode for a bit 

knowing everything is harder

and I haven't been passing with flying colours for the past 3 years 

Just a 2:1 

I need to step up a notch 

but it all looks so difficult 

KY took up the responsibility of not only calming me down 

but also making me a Google Spreadsheet 

He took all my documents 

and dumped them in 

helping me narrow down my choices 

and I've submitted my choices :) 

---

It doesn't seem like much 

but to me,

that's what I need at this very moment 

and you have been there for me at all times when I needed help or company 

You listen to me go on and on about my day 

at an average of twice a day via whatsapp video chats 

You also entertain my messages every time I say anything. And I say EVERYTHING

You were so patient with me 

When I drive home, you'd try your best to be available to pick up a call 

because it's quite certain that I'd call you in the middle of my 1 hour + drive 

You know what I can and cannot do 

Of course you do, you were there when I was rehabilitating and was there for all my sessions in London

and when you'd be there for my sessions in Malaysia everytime you visit me in KL

talking about visiting me in KL 

The trips are so frequent that I can see you every other week! 

And sometimes you'd have "surprise visits" where you tell me.. 

"You got public holiday tomorrow?"

And you'd come all the way here 

just to be with me :) 

My family has accepted your existence since my surgery 

they trust you and they trust us :) 

which came off as a slight surprise to me! 

They haven't been so open-minded things as such

and I can tell my mom likes you a lot 

I wasn't the one taking you to all those family meetings 

they were :) 

and you talk to my relatives like a pro 

I'd be shy and awkward if it were me, but you weren't :) 

You've gone as far as being with my family even if I'm at work

and I don't say this ever, but I'm so proud of you :) 

I know I personally can't do this in a short period of time 

but you proved it possible 

You aren't afraid of telling me your thoughts 

you're cheesy but genuine

when I was working, you texted me when I was under stress just to remind me that
"To the company, you're just an employee. But to me, you're my everything."

When we're alone, and we lie next to each other and I gaze into your eyes

You give me the wildest of smiles and I'm not sure if you're even aware that you're doing it!

One look at you, and I know that you're a man very in love :) 

---

I become such a child around you and you let me be :) 

Thank you darling, for thinking of me at random times of the day 

for making me fall in love with you over and over again 

it's been slightly more than 9 months 

but I'm still, if not more, in love with you

also a shout out to "Christopher Robin"
The show make me tear up so many times 

Keeping it simple and to-heart

8月22日~~

We had cake and coffee at the library coffee bar.

He read George Orwell, while i flipped through graphic design books.

I shared in awe at the impossible tasks the graphic designers had and ingenious original artworks.

He drew cheeky correlations about the similarities of WW1 and the animal farm.

Never had I felt so connected with a person before :).

8月9日~~

Is it normal for a person to be jealous
when their significant other half have very close relationships with the opposite sex where they meet once almost every other week? ... almost the same amount of times he is meeting you now?

Is it normal to feel insecure?
Because as much as I'd love to think highly of myself. If your friends are as awesome as you say..
I'm definitely not good enough

Jealous tears stream down the face
As I drive for an hour plus back home ..

"Do I not love you enough?"
"Do you really have so much time to think about all these nonsense?"
"You got nth to do so you want to argue with me?"
"What did I do wrong this time?
"SORRY OKAY, I don't know what I did, but SORRY KAY? Stop driving me crazy"

Trust me
You won't be the first one to say these things to me :)

I've always had trouble
with distance
With jealousy

I don't trust myself to be alone with my own thoughts
It somehow brings out the worst in me

The person that asks myself to
"hold on"
"Are you sure?"
"Is this what you like to do for the next 5 years of your life?"

Reminds me how reluctant and unhappy I am in an LDR

Regardless of who the person is

..

Whilst laying out all the plans I have to stay in the UK
I know .. deep down inside..
That there is only Plan A

For I know .. How Plan B ends up :)
With the issues I've had with jealousy and distance
It's better off ending things before things turn too sour

..

Today one of my best friends sent me a text
He used to be there for me when I felt sad, uncomfortable, sick, alone, heartbroken, confusingly in love with KY..

He hasn't spoken to me in a week or so
Instead of replying to the messages

I deleted his chat ...

Ever since what hx told me
I felt utterly disgusted by his behaviour

Also..
did I tell you I lost a friend today?
No..
I decided to lose a friend today

Also..
The more I think about It, the more I agree about one thing..

"All guys truly want one thing"

Something true then and true now..

8月6日~~

Has been a while isn't it?

I haven't had the time to write this
but even more so
I've been delaying this post

...

For a month or so
I've been looking out at the Tier 2 Visa List thinking
 if any of these 10k companies would want to hire me
I would be flattered and blessed
yet I haven't been applying to any of these
reluctant to write of my current internship experience
reluctant to do more research than seeing if they hire people like me

filtering down
to anywhere that's near you
realizing my own chances
realizing how painful it is
remembering it all ...

I can't afford to lose it all


but I'm afraid I'm as lost as everyone else

The more I try things out
the more lost I am

but one thing is for sure now

I'm not cut out for engineering

...


I haven't felt this strongly against something since the beginning of time
ever since I've started this internship
I was so repulsed by the idea of it
that it came off as a surprise as me

I actually
don't like what I'm doing

I can't help but think ...
I can't do this for the next 5 years of my life
I would want to quit at the earliest possible chance

...

Is it the culture?
It probably is

I have been trying to normalize and internalize all my feelings
telling myself


it's okay


I've ranted enough
every day and every moment I've been there

...

However, that doesn't answer the question
Do I really want a career in engineering?
This is my 3rd internship
I'm trying out financing and engineering at the same time now
I see it as a blessing in disguise

it reminded me how much I liked financing more...
the corporate world
the management world

oh what a dream

...

A week ago,
a random conversation came up between me and dad
he asked me if I would continue to pursue my studies
not in PhD or anything
but a Masters in something else

yes I've considered it
a long time ago
but I never see it as something happening in such a short-term

but the feeling has never been stronger
as I have the crazy need to stay where I am
and the urge to turn back
back to what I like
designing, finance, consulting
ANYTHING
that can lead me away from engineering

reminds me how I 've never considered engineering until I needed to submit my personal statement

it has nothing to do with KY
or anyone in that sense
it's what I want in my life

I don't think I want to be an engineer
and that is aching

Now that I've tried it
I can formally say
I don't really like the lifestyle

yes. it has its perks
I get to go home on time.

But, I don't see a clear career progression for me to follow
no goal
but to achieve an objective set by the superior

I'm 40% convinced that I will take an extra year in the UK
just because .. I need a way out ..

...

Dear KY
oh my dear,
communicating with you in Morse code and in French
only further proves how quirky and unique you are
and to me

you've been taking a lot of trips up to KL
even if you knew you'd be my driver instead
going around places for me to meet my friends
go for physio, go out with my family
yet you still came

I dreamt of you yesterday
when you left for Melaka

I dreamt how close you were to me
... a kiss away from me
... holding me in your arms while we sleep .. just like how we used to..
and I didn't want to wake up

for you ARE the dream

...

My friends are currently facing the threat of LDR one at a time
as we talk about feelings
I can't help but think about you
what you've sacrificed for me
and your lovey-dovey eyes

damn. That's a guy in love.

damn. I'm glad I'm that lucky girl.

damn. I'm so terribly in love with the most wonderful dude on earth.

You have the most beautiful dreams and I'm glad I'm part of it. :)





Tours les jours, je t'aime plus mon petit ami :)

6月29日~~

From the 4th - 8th of June 2018
I went to Verona and Venice with KY :)

For many,
Venice sounds like the more logical choice for a holiday
but for me, it's the other way around

I was left heartbroken a little less than 2 years ago
Aye, I remember how it was
Crying myself to sleep
Waking up hoping that it was all just a dream
Commuting to work with tears unconsciously streaming down my face
I didn't trust myself to talk to people
and asked people for 2 days off for me to calm down

little did I know
it took me a little more than a year to get over a person

it was the year where I felt the most lost
I came across a movie called "Letters to Juliet"
I watched the movie quite a few times
It was one of those rainy day movies
when I feel like crying over a long lost happily-ever-after

I dreamt of writing to Juliet in Verona,
which to my surprise and delight was a real place :)
Juliet's house exists! So does her secretaries
Like Santa Claus, you can simply write to her from everywhere around the world
and one of her secretaries will write back to you

So many times, I've held a pen in my hand and a paper in another
But it never went further than "Dear Juliet, ... "

I didn't know what I was looking for
Was I looking for sympathy? Was I seeking confirmation or some sort of affirmation?
Was I looking for a sign to turn back? Or was I just one of those girls who want to share their stories?

Even with the stories clear in mind, I didn't how to phrase everything.

===

Fast forward to April 2018

When KY asked me where I'd like to go.. Verona came to mind
and I was absolutely exhilarated and grateful when he said he'd love to go!
I remember looking at him for a long while and said "Thank you, this means a lot to me"

This time, I wrote my letter in an Airbnb on the first day in Verona
It was a rainy day, and we couldn't go till the evening, there was nothing in this small city of love
made famous by the name of William Shakespeare's "Romeo & Juliet"
We did, however, enjoy our little walks along the street

The letter didn't take more than 20 minutes to write

it came naturally, talking about how the movie kept me sane in tough times, how writing to this place has been a dream of mine since, how I was and how I transformed.


Only this time, I wasn't seeking for an answer anymore.
I found what I've been looking for.


===

I kid you not,
it was the most underwhelming place you'll ever imagine :3
We went to the place earlier
and KY helped me stick the letter onto the door with a plaster in his wallet

It may not seem like a holy sanctuary with all the doodlings, letters, love lockets on the walls
it seems more like a heavily vandalised courtyard
but in my mind, I'm in my own Mekkah


===

I didn't really know how to explain it to my friends
other than saying that I wanted to visit this place because of a movie

Aside for one friend, that wanted to know more of the "why"
It sounded sillier than how I remembered explaining the same thing to KY
Han Yang agreed that this was more of a reflective trip
and I'm glad that someone understood me :)
Though we don't see each other often, we don't chat every day
but we have talked to each other at key periods of our lives

I'm glad he gets a glimpse of the ending of my last chapter and the beginning of a new one.


===

Oh ya!
Venice is pretty impressive as well!

Canals
mini islands
reminds me of sunway lagoon, the mines wonderland, a water theme park
but STEAR CLEAR from the main island
go island hopping,
less tourists and less congested :)







Thanks for sharing this experience with me darling :) 

6月24日~~

If I want to stay in the UK
I need a solid plan,

1) Know who are the biggest hires out there that give out Tier 2 visas out there
2) Know who they hire the most, what kind of skillset they want
3) Research them as if I wanted the job / fight for the cause since birth
4) Build required skill sets (i.e., programming) over the summer
5) Stalk said companies and go for events near me
6) Apply as soon as they start receiving applications
7) (Finally) Go for UCL Careers services for interview support

Every year before the academic year starts, I always give myself 3 targets
some more achievable than others

but this time, there is only 1 target and 1 focus

Target: Stay in the UK, preferably in Exeter
Focus: Be with you, for as long as I can

It seems like an unachievable target
especially since I'm not there for my internship this year
I want to hit myself in the guts each time I think about it
But this is all just a learning process
Lucky for me, this is a focus that I can resonate deep to the core

As time goes by, the more I worry
The less time I have to understand about geopolitics, economic health in the EU, the world, my own home country,
Since the UK is cutting down manufacturing jobs, it only means that there is less chance that I would score a job with my degree than scoring one out of my degree


Once again, I humbly hope that I'm enough
Please, please, please give me a chance to stay.


It's not impossible, but show me it's possible



Thanks for all the little things :)

5月29日~~

Exams finished since the 22nd of May
On the 23rd of May 3am, I was on my way out of London with some of the chem eng friends

I can't remember the last time I was this prepared for an exam
I can only hope that I have done enough to stay afloat

===

I had my CI scholarship final interview on the 16th May
The person is damn confused when I say

"I'm a chemical engineering student and a freelance graphic designer, I'm looking for a management consulting internship" 

Probably also why I didn't ace my final interview

Like a lot of people, I didn't know what I want.

Wasted the whole day doing that application
but we all learn from mistakes
and my mistake
is not knowing what I want

hopefully from the engineering internship this summer
I will know for sure if I like or despise the work
it's a good pay
that I can say
I no longer say things like "the pay doesn't matter"
because it does

I don't work for free
and that's the bottom line

===

tempted to throw out my stack of notes
but then again, it's better to be safe than sorry

late summer assessment

the dreaded time of the year that you hope you never have to come back to the UK

===

KY got a PhD offer in Exeter :D
and so does Wai Jue :D
So excited for the both of them ^^

Skipping masters to do a PhD
with full funding for tuition fees and living expenses paid off by the university
that's the epitome of success that I can't seem to fathom

Their parents must be so proud of them :D

You know when you were young, you wanted to be a princess.. a scientist.. an astronaut... a race car driver

It all sounds crazy and is seemingly impossible
but you end up applying for jobs like trading stocks in the back office of the bank, a commercial analyst for the energy distribution company etc...

Yet, these people are on the pathway to becoming a scientist.

Can you imagine that?

They are living examples for the little kids out there that they can indeed do what they want in life as long as they work hard for it.

And I am so so so proud of the both of them

===

On top of that, Yu Xian secured a job in London!
I called him straight away after hearing about it...
I sensed the relief in him, it was such a life-changing moment for him
and I hope all good comes to him, he deserves it after working so hard

===

Here's the catch,
since I didn't manage to secure an internship in the UK
I can only have one more shot at getting a job here

Tbh, I had my heart set in returning to Malaysia
getting into EY, into strategy consulting where I really enjoyed what I did
The thought of not being an engineer delights me :3

However, my senior manager from UEM once told me,
you can't assume that you wouldn't like your job in the engineering field when you haven't even tried it.

and that makes sense...

Would I want to be a subpar engineer who don't really like what I do but has the qualifications to do so?
Or would I jump straight into designing where I have no qualifications and only experience?
How about consulting where I thoroughly enjoyed it but only have minor qualifications and limited experience?

The golden question
How valuable am I to the economy of the UK?

probably not a lot

how can I persuade the companies to pay extra money to hire me when I can't even persuade myself that I'm above average?

When engaging in conversations with friends
about how happy I am for him and his future
they asked me the same questions: "So, what are you plans YT? " "Are you actually staying back for him?"

For starters,
I have no idea what the future holds for me
The more fields I try, the more confused I get
I have no clue what I want to do but I don't want to be hasty with my decisions

One thing for sure,
Him getting into Exeter is definitely a huge plus point for me to stay

I'm not doing this for myself only anymore
I'm doing this for us
I no longer have "nothing to lose", in fact, it's the complete opposite

I'm sincerely afraid ...
of what lies ahead

... another golden question "What happens if you don't get a job here"

The truth is, there is simply no Plan B this time
I either win it all or lose it all ...

But first, I need to make up my mind on what I can do, and what I should do

===

Went to France again from the 23rd to 27th
Nice, Marseilles, Monaco, Villefranche Sur Mer
it was beautiful
and I've learnt that we are lazy and we shit well
3 toilet rolls in 3 days for 6 people
mind = blown

falling in love with chill trips as such

Rested a lot
Talked a lot
Shared our thoughts on politics, growth, moral controversies, policies, economy etc...
typical lunch topics

A nice farewell trip with those who aren't going to be in UCL next year :')
3 years
just like that

Although, you do get used to saying goodbyes as you age

===

Merci Beaucoup :)

4月30日~~

Today was chilly

I strolled down the streets with a cup of freshly brewed coffee 

and heard a familiar song

I slowed down 

and glanced up 

The branches of the trees and its confused leaves due to the constant change of weather

唯一不变的是不停的改变

I've slowed down :) 

That's something I can confirm

Wearing his hoodie

Sipping my cup of coffee 

Nibbling on my Nutella Cookie 

while studying for my exams tomorrow 

I can't help but feel enlightened 

Life seems certain despite the variables 

I take a promise very seriously.

 

Oh hey! I'm just as gullible as I was :) 

But I have a feeling that this time it will be different 

I just know it .. 

4月24日~~

Ditched the crutches and the knee braces

Regained freedom in the form of steps without aid

Such a significant moment at this stage of my life

yet I can't help but have that bittersweet feeling brewing inside of me 

I can walk again 

I am independent again 

That means ... 

I don't need to be taken care of anymore 

Every time you leave, it is such a heavy sensation 

When a movie ends 

the closing credits come up with a musical background 

For us, it involves
a paper rose, a song and long lingering hugs

It hasn't struck me that I can be this emotional until yesterday. 

I know I'm not acting in a movie scene 

but the emotions are too raw to not be acknowledged

thank you for everything :) 

all the best in exams guys!

I love you darling, your hugs, your kisses, your kindness and care. Waking up with you beside me is one of the best feelings on earth. And whenever I apply lotion on your hands, you look at me with such tender eyes. It reminds me that you love me with so much depth that you probably can't even comprehend yourself. And my only wish is that I can reflect that similar feeling to you :) Thank YOU for everything and for being there for me all the time amidst chaotic times. 

4月10日~~

A month ago, I applied for a graphic designing internship in London
As of everyone's dream, I want to sustain my own living through my passion
It sounds like a wonderful thing isn't it?

To do what you like for a living, and get the pay that you deserve

The last part of that sentence never occurred to me until today.
I had that interview today
and I got the job
It's a part-time role up to Summer, then it becomes a full-time summer internship role
Showcasing the Spanish and Latin American art to the British community

Sounds like a dream come true
but here comes a deal breaker


It's an unpaid internship


After a long day of tug-of-war
with a lot of help from KY
I finally understood that it's because they are underfunded, not because I don't have the talent
I finally believed that my work has value and I won't be happy if I do design work for free again
especially since I start to value and charge my designs for a while now

There is a fine line between exploitation and volunteering
while many will argue that the fine line is just the state of mind
it's merely "which side are you on?"

Sure, if I were younger, I would take it up without a blink of an eye
This sounds like an opportunity of a lifetime for me why would I give up a chance to learn
just because it's an unpaid opportunity?

While the debate goes on and on in monologue
it's worth to point out that I still do have ongoing applications that probably pays
and I don't have the capacity to help out yet

Until I get myself a rich 太太 life
and I don't care a damn about learning a new skill to earn that extra buck
I can't afford to be free

But it truly sucks and has affected me for half a day
to know that you're so close to your dreams
which is now stampeded upon

goodbye dream job

3月20日~~

My world has changed 

without me noticing 

but still .. it was as planned 

ironically I saw it coming

but I wasn't well-prepared enough for it

Ever since that last rejection from Microsoft 

I have been reflecting on the interview experience 

What went wrong? 

It was smooth sailing, and I haven't met anyone who've gotten an internship with Microsoft before

I was so close to something, a dream, an option or a way out

I'm not sure

Did I make too many jokes?
Should I have played by the books and just recommend another corporation for them to venture?
Was it a mistake for me to actually admit my shortcomings?

Would it be different if I do it again? 

I'm not sure 

I'll never be sure 

but the HR guy from Singapore certainly gave me a very wordy rejection letter 

I sensed the words of probable electronically generated words of sincerity and encouragement

what went wrong? 

right now, what's left, is my internship with National Grid that I may or may not get,

either way, they're taking their own sweet time to get back to me 

Sincere doubts about my own capabilities at that point in life

"Microsoft's rejection was my last straw"

I said as I called him in tears

The world was suddenly a very unfair place to be in

the challenges that the ultimate-power-from-above has bestowed upon me

was not the easiest for sure

My confidence level has not dipped this low for some time

Wouldn't call it "plummeting confidence" since it's not all thorns in this bed of roses of course 

but once again, the fear of not being good enough, being neither here nor there

struck upon me

Think about it, I was even scared for my university presentation

fear of not being able to answer questions correctly and such. 

Things I haven't been afraid of

Amid all, I find this slight change in personality amusing 

For once, I'm glad I decorated my room with positivity

One twist of my head and I'll see the tiny post-it note asking me to dream big at the beginning of the academic year. 

One look into the mirror and I see postcards and greeting cards from the people I love and from the people who love me

and one so often, I'm very lucky to find the person I love sitting right beside me, only an arm's length away 

I gave myself a very long holiday 

a day and a half, might I add

doing nothing but colouring, drawing, guitar playing, reading, and sleeping 

It's like the person that's always full speed ahead, slowed down to a strolling pace

That isn't me 

I couldn't even hide my disappointment 

I was embarrassed... 

at that moment, I asked Wei Wen what her plans were for summer
and she told me she was just going to chill at home with her mom for the 3rd year in a row

and I asked her if I should do the same 

because it does sound mighty tempting to me 

and she told me "I think you'll be bored"

which is true

and I'm once again lost 

The academic year has come and almost going away, 

with no summer plans ahead of me 

I feel very insecure
I guess I can only place all my focus on my exams when I have at least some sort of hope for summer internships the 2nd thing on my goals-list

==

On a side note

I just received 20 pounds from Zhi Ling for designing her dad's companies' logos :D 

I giggled with excitement like a little kid since it was the first time someone paid me for my work

the world was better despite scary uncertainties. 

Favourite excerpts from the book I just finished:

When Paul decided to have a baby with Lucy despite knowing he has limited time

"Will having a newborn distract from the time we have together? Don't you think saying goodbye to your child will make your death more painful?" She asked.

"Wouldn't it be great if it did?" I said. 

Paul's message to his baby
When you come to one of the many moments in life where you must give an account of yourself, provide a ledger of what you have been, ad done, and meant to the world, do not, I pray, discount that you filled a dying man's days with a sted joy, a joy unknown to me in all my prior years,

  a joy that does not hunger for more and more but rests, satisfied. 

In this time, right now, that is an enormous thing. 

2月19日~~

Social Media Marketing, 
Graphic Designing 

these are just a few examples of the algorithm that I've been classified under in my social media pages.

Going by the tube stations, it's quite common to see advertisements on part-time courses. A second chance they say ...

When Soph took up a part time course in film making and performing arts, it made me rethink about some of the choices I've made.

How many times have I actually stood up for myself? Only timidly and only recently have I created my e-portfolio to apply for graphic designing jobs. And I have to say the acknowledgement was really comforting.. but I never really dared to tell my parents about these things ...

The quick solution is simple, I just have to disregard the thought and move on with my life which I already couldn't handle.

But "what if's" are always the worst.


======================================

It has been a tough couple of weeks
I have to give it to the mystical energy from above (if any) for challenging me unnecessarily, dare I add :)

===
Week 1

when I realize grandpa was ill, seriously ill, I called home, realizing that no one really knew what's going on

On the day I decided to skip class to call my dad, I was very quiet
I had a lot on my head , mind you, I've never decided to skip class to call home

I knew that I need to be prepared for the worst, as an adult, I need to make adult decisions
to make time for what truly matters, when priorities are not governed by deadlines (anymore)

Soon after my phone call with dad to grant me permission to come home for the worst case scenario, to me finally agreeing to come home for a surgery ...
grandpa passed away 20 minutes after the call

Drawing his final few breaths when dad barged in through the door they say

I was shocked when I heard of the news,
for I knew.. I was the last one to talk to dad
I knew I was the one who asked dad to not pick up my brother's continuous missed calls because I knew they can "handle themselves"
I knew... but I did not know

...

The only 2 people I called after
was my 契姐 who reminded me to bring home all medical supporting documents
and my dad's personal assistant who asked me what time is the best for me to go home

that night, I did my psychometric test with KY, got impatient and had a small breakdown in his arms .... once again, he was really really patient with me ..

....



2 days later, I was in Johor



and 3 days after, I was in the hospital waiting for my operation ...



...

I deliberately enter-ed a few times between the two sentence
because that's how much breather I've gotten and how quick everything happened

throughout this all, I was also applying for extenuating circumstances, applying for permitted absence, going through last submissions of applications, coursework deadlines etc...

It was tough ...

I had another mental breakdown on my way back to KL, as I realize how hard the lack of time will impact me ...

The damage that was done was more serious than we thought due to the delayed treatment from NHS.. I felt angry tears in the toilet after I got my MRI results 1 day before my operation ... the only place I can be alone .. How dare they ... I thought to myself .. I was so patient with them .. so understanding .. and this is how they repaid me? ...

How dare they .. how dare the world .. . put me through this ..


Week 2
Of intense physio week of pain and waking up in the middle of the night ...

I really want to get better
for myself, for my family, and for him

There is so little time I have with everyone of them
yet I have so little time for myself too

physio took over my life officially
3 times a day each lasting for an hour or more

discomfort haunted me
but I hammered through
it was more difficult to be strong
when people are looking at you 24/7

it was way harder than in the mountains
when I just had to be strong on screen

I cried from the pain I felt from physio
as KY and my family helped me with my physio
they felt my pain, yet they counted for me "1..2...3...4.."
They knew that who I was, and that I will not stop from making sure I recover swiftly as possible

I started to panic as I realize my PUD deadline .. is coming closer and closer
I redid my coursework 3 times in total ...

Week 3
The dreaded CNY I call it
The time for celebration and reunion
one that I've missed for the past 2 years and have cried over for the past 2 years

why dreaded may I ask?

from  the stress of coursework deadlines
Physiotherapy was painful, and was crucial to my recovery period
but nothing was as painful as the lack of time and not being able to be with my relatives when I could have

I had no choice
The day before my birthday I suffered from sleep deprivation and immense headache
On my birthday, I told my parents that I will lock myself in the room until the 4pm the 2nd day

the 2nd day ... was reunion day

and I missed the "reunion lunch" as I missed the whole night's worth of sleep
it was a difficult night I call it...

KY, as usual, told me he will keep his phone on... and asked me to call him if I need him
I never buzzed him ever, but this time it was different
I had a small anxiety attack followed by a mental breakdown
at 2.30am
after dad told me what time the "reunion lunch" that was supposedly a reunion dinner.. is scheduled at
and that my attendance is required

I called him up, sobbing, and he was there for me .. until 4am in the morning

I finished my coursework 1pm the 2nd day
had another mental breakdown in the morning .. after I described the events in ungodly hours

I remember I repeated over and over again "It was a difficult.. difficult night...."
and sobs that they have to understand that they need to understand that this does not affect my competence
in any way possible

you may think I have strict parents, but I do have parents who keep a tight schedule
failure to do so, meant your incompetency in time management

it has always been my fear to let my dad down
and that was one of those moments
that I haven't felt in a long time
the desperation for understanding from my kind and loving parents

At that point in my life, it felt that the world was against me...
but it was all just in my head

that in the end .. I'm still my parents' daughter

I rushed for another assignment soon after that submission
after I woke up from a very long nap in the evening

I never had a more anti-social CNY

Week 4
Near the end of my time at Johor,
I had a small breather
a sudden acknowledgement that I'm actually in Malaysia
with the people I love

People sending love to me via bouquets of flowers and messages of comfort
it was also to my realization
that my 22nd birthday has passed
and I'm actually ... 22 ....

The worst part is ..
today was my actual realization that I have 2 more times with my physiotherapist
and I need to start packing for London


.....
and all I'm left with .. was ... "what did I miss?"

==============================

On a side note
I got through to the last round with my Microsoft application throughout these 4 weeks
and I also got a phone interview scheduled with National Grid

On another side note
Dad came in one of the days into my tiny solitary confinement to tell me "just do graphic designing, you'll be less stressed"



Dad's affirmation and my Microsoft application
reminds me of something

happiness in what you're doing
for years i'm alright with what I've been doing

and now looking at that graphic designing course
it reminds me of all the time I look at the designs and share with people what I think it means to design something in a certain way

It's obvious... to some people
where my passion lies

oh well .. a hobby will always be a hobby
some people have the luxury of making their hobby a "money-generating profession"
I guess I just don't think I'm that lucky one :)

2月10日~~

Having a cup of coffee with "How deep is your love" covered by Renee Dominique playing in the background

I looked out of the windows, birds chirping and a bit of humid breeze 

Yes, I'm back in Malaysia

odd innit? this time of the year.. 

The past 2 weeks have been messy, emotional in many ways 

My grandfather got sick, I called my father telling him to take care of himself because we are all concerned for him and told him that he needs to let me come back if anything happens ...

Minutes after I got off the phone, my grandfather took his last breath and passed away 

I remember looking up at KY after I received the news. 

He held me as I cried. 

I remember rushing through administrative tasks, trying to cancel the surgeon appointment that I've been trying to get hold of with NHS ever since the accident... applying for E.C. for my pressing deadlines.. he helped me with my psychometric tests for internship .. packing up my bags

It was such an emotional day, yet he was so patient with me 

Before I knew it, I was on a plane back to Malaysia

In the same week, I got my ACL reconstruction surgery.. 

Guess what, KY came back to Malaysia as well :)
Once again the poor guy who just landed took care of me as I woke up every 2 hours in the night when I was in the hospital

and right now I'm rushing for deadlines

doing intense physio 3 times a day 

he was always virtually there if he isn't physically there. 

Of course, it's also very nice to be with my family again

heck I didn't think I would see yee zhe until he graduates since we have completely different academic calendars in different parts of the world 

Also, just had a phone interview with Microsoft Malaysia a few days ago 

So damn excited :D
It has been a pleasure to have my CV noticed by them 

Even if I don't get it, the dreams were good while it lasted :3

====

Very big shoutout to Hui Xian for taking care of our plants (and looking up on the internet for ways to make sure they survive) and helping me with my mail

So proud of Geyin when she said she will help exterminate and throw out the rat when they catch it O.O ... baby ge has grown up ♥

Thanks Ronald for the postcard from Finland :) Despite how you said it was just a "return of favour" just want you to know that it means a lot :D .. glad to have met you :)

Saw Grace's instagram post
oh man, the wedding cake she made was ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL
A year and a half ago, she told me she was getting classes from a baker
Half a year ago, she told me she was requested to bake a wedding cake and she was absolutely excited
So proud of her and what she has done :)

Mandy asked me about my Malaysia phone number
and she told me she couldn't believe that she remembered what it was
I was shocked and surprised, I didn't know that ever
that I meant quite a lot to her :)
thank you ♥ reminds me of the old school days

====

Met a new friend at physio the other day :D
He's 8 years older than me, and 8 months ago
he fell and ruptured his tendons, so both his knee caps and his left elbow slipped up his body and he was hospitalized for 4 months.
After that, he went through intense physio for another 4 months and now he can brisk walk :)

I'm pretty sure (quite sure) I'll be meeting him again in my next physio treatment until I get back to the UK.

T'was nice you know :)
to see how strong people can be
and how people are motivating and inspiring each other to be better
even if you're not going to meet each other again

He also helped me up the car and bid goodbye, so kind :D 

====

I can't believe I'm back :) 

I can't believe he's back too 

====

Sindy told me her sister won her tickets back to Malaysia

I was one of the first ones whom she told the news to

So so sincerely happy for her... 

when you're away for so long, coming home becomes so emotional 

when a thousand words and poetry of love rushes through your mind, 

all you can say is "I'm coming home" 

with the widest smile you can have 

and shiny, watery eyes 

no more looking at CNY advertisements on facebook crying over and over again 

===

oh man, can't believe I haven't updated my blog in such a long while 

but anyway 

after finishing "Glee"

which I totally don't have a lot of heart to watch after the last episode of season 3

I finished it for the sake of finishing it 

I'm currently onto "The Office"

amongst all, I love the relationship between Pam and Jim 

Pam is this receptionist that loves to draw, and Jim was always the one that supports her with that dream 

recently got to the episode where Pam stayed overnight at the office just to finish a computer animation

and Jim had to take someone else's ride home

When they broadcast their advertisement that didn't make the cut 

I felt so proud of Pam as the logo animation came up  at the end of the video, 

the look on Jim's face when he looks at her proud as can be ..

and the look on Pam's face as she blushes, trying to remain humble but she couldn't help it and started laughing...

now that's the dream :)

and the dream I'm living in.. thanks to you :)

In some sense, this reminds me of Ted and Tracy's love from How I met your mother...
"You will meet someone who will make you forget about your painful past and remind you why you never gave up on finding love."

Love this piece written about the two: 

https://thoughtcatalog.com/nikki-lizarondo/2014/10/5-things-ted-and-tracy-mosby-taught-me-about-true-love/

===

I've always believed in polar opposites 

in essence I might as well been the Robin x Ted supporter

but one day 

this guy came up to me 

and made me fall in love with all the little quirks that he has 

While I was listening to "La Vie En Rose" every time it rains
He was listening to "La Vie En Rose" every time he has a quick dip in the river in Blackforest

When he asked me "how's life" and I accused him of stealing my line

we were both doing the same thing since high school 

little things like these ... (Yes I probably repeated the same things over and over again, but till this day the similarities still shock me)

Thank you, for giving me my first bouquet of flowers as a boyfriend. 

Thank you, for making me laugh every time I'm tearing up.
Thank you, for all the surprises.
Thank you, for all the patience you've given me.
Thank you, for feeding me with beautiful dreams and starry hopes.
Thank you, for loving me so hard.
Thank you, for simply being here. :) 

I can't describe how lucky I must have been to meet you. 

PS. I Love You :)
PPS. Here comes the sun

Special dedication post :)

Dear KY,

Before the trip
I've made promises
I've finally gotten better from being sick for 2 weeks

I couldn't wait to do a lot of things with you
I couldn't wait to explore the city with you
I couldn't wait for my turn to take care of you

for when I was sick
you were there

an unfortunate event in the mountains
created a snowball effect (bigger than what I dare to imagine) after I came back
... got me feeling guilty

but it opened me up to a whole new bag of emotions that I have not felt before ....

As I stared at you
a person who has no blood-related obligations to take care of me

I can't comprehend ..... a lot of things

You let me go on the trip

..........      The surprise trip you've planned after I told you that I always wanted to visit Roald Dahl's Museum
There is literally nothing else in the village other than that museum and it seems ridiculous for anyone to go...
but there you go, a person who never read Roald Dahl, thought Matilda was one of the worst musicals you've ever watched .. You've bought the train and museum tickets for us    ..........

despite how reluctant you were in the first place
you let me go on the trip

I can name a list of people
who would not let me step out of the house
You let me be my stubborn self
while you took care of me :)
It was a long journey
where I took twice the amount of time to walk from one point to another
you were patient with me
so so patient with me
helping me watch my step
making sure you were in front of me every time I go down the stairs and behind me every time I go up the stairs

I felt ....
so understood
as if you shared my vision and senses

despite your heavy workload
you decided to stay over with me till uni reopens
you "moved in", made sure the flat was OKU friendly by bringing in a stool for me so I can shower with ease... even when everyone else in the tube was looking at you
bought a table desk for me (and returned it for me after realizing that huixian has one in her room left by her previous tenant)

you helped me with my groceries, my chores, my daily routine
you didn't have to .....
yet you did

you followed me to the hospital
and even though I always ask you to bring something to do
you chose to talk to me instead






once again
I stared at you

a person
who just got together with me less than 2 months ago

I was sick for 2 weeks, and travelled for a week, and now I'm crippled
I can't comprehend still
the period of me being a healthy girlfriend is short-lived

the amount of time you've invested in me
the sacrifice you've made for me

you .....
felt like family




my dear
you didn't need to stay
I would have understood
this is your final year in university
and no one deserves this
you could have enjoyed it with your friends
.... a better relationship

but you stayed
did things for me even before I asked you to

You were the first person whom I've shared my tears and fear with
after the 1st round of diagnosis up in the mountains
You stopped working and took my hands when you saw me crying as I voice-called my very concerned parents asking me to defer my studies..
You volunteered to go to my friend's gathering with me
even if it's outside your comfort zone
You became friends with my friends for me

my dear, my darling
you did all these for me

I was shocked
when you said
you can apply for an MC to ask for deadline extensions and being absent in classed just to take care of me
in the meantime, my ego has yet allowed me to email my lecturers and tutor to tell them about my situation

I was shocked
when you told me that in the event I need to stay in the hospital post-surgery
you'd be there .... and you said it's great that my father would come... then there won't be a period that I'd be alone....

I ... am out of words
these are things
that I thought only my parents would do for me

Out of a sudden, I felt very small in your arms
You don't deserve this, yet I've lost count of every little thing you've done for me


Nothing can describe how sorry I feel for you and how eternally grateful I am for you
the person who's there for me from dusk to dawn, 24/7.

darling
I love you so much
and I don't know what I've done to deserve you


as I type with tears in my eyes
Thank you. For everything. For being there in the messiest of times.
You're the biggest surprise I've had in 2017.

Thanks for making sure I don't feel alone.
Thanks for holding me when I feel like crying.

It's still early in a relationship to say this
(but as you've taught me, time is relative.)
and against all the promises I've made to myself

No one resonates with me as well as you
No one takes care of me as well as you
You're literally my everyday right now and
I see a forever in you

Once again,
I've learned how to believe

I owe you something darling
something bigger than just favours
and I believe it's no longer my strong tendency to return the favours
but a tendency to accept all that you've done for me
when the world seems messed up
you're the set point that also help send corrective action in the feedback control loop to set things right again
in other words, you hug the negative energy out of me until all that's left is a smile on my face

you're the nerdiest love I've ever had
and you have the biggest heart that I've ever seen

you deserve the best
I hope I am enough and I promise to be better :)