12月8日~~

I went to the temple to visit guanyinma 

I asked "is what I wanted what i needed"

And I got the fortune saying "don't look back and have courage."

I'm not typically a spiritual or religious person. But at times where it feels a bit much, I turn to guanyinma for advice. 

At times like these, I just got to trust that I can do it. I still have breaks and I mentally check out after hours every now and then. 

But I do have to keep reflecting if I'm truly happy if this goes on. 

And time will tell. 

12月4日~~

I got to stop letting conflicts and blunt comments get to my head. 

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It's not in my nature to be confrontational, I do think it's okay. I'm convincing myself that leaders can be non confrontational.

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Lately work had been busy and I've been clouded by self doubt and worry. 

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Getting the visibility exposes me. 

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The only thing that gets me through the day is knowing that I can still afford slip ups. 

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I just need to know how to control the anxiety built up in me and flush that out. I just need to remember that peace is an option that I sometimes forget. 

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Got offered an opportunity to join an ex boss. I told him I'm okay with where I am. So not now, but most likely also ... not yet. 

10月2日~~

Been reflecting on the past month, 

It's crazy how much I need to learn, how much I need to pick up, and how much more I don't know everyday. 

I am playing a game of catch, but the goal is moving all the time. Everytime I think I get it. I realise how far away I am.

Also it's crazy how people remembers your name when you're associated to the top person in the firm. 

9月26日 ~~

My lack of confidence and unease in confrontation against authority has never been more in the limelight. 

I shrivel at the thought and I call for help. I guess there's never a better time to grow than at the age of 28. 

It is also funny how people find the need to tell me they've been doing decks for 10 years, but for some reason I'm okay telling off people of a rank above, but never two ranks above. Interesting 

--

Update: 

I did a 7k run, reflected on myself. Realised I should be proud and that it's okay. I have done my best and have gotten here faster than I thought. It's okay and it's gonna be okay. Per's words come to mine "we always say we're not going to make it, yet we always do. Have trust that it will be okay."

8月15日~~

 I've been counting my blessings these days now that I'm counting down the days to the end of my resignation
--- 

Yes I've quit again, to a job that now puts me in credit of social capital 
In fact, this whole experience of looking for a new job has put me in serious credit

It really is a people business out there, I wish it were different.
But now that I have it, I'm thankful it is. 

Each time I jump, requires the next hiring manager (and I) to take a more serious leap of faith

In a way that I can't imagine anymore.

As KY puts it, if it makes me excited and anxious, it should be good :) 
For only if the shoe does not fit, then only you can grow into it. 

I am always reflective, but now with heighted senses

--- 

I've been watching a chill-vibes youtube video, where the influencer just spends time recording her daily life of cooking, doing chres while managing her stationary business. 

I sometimes wonder if life can be like this for me

like the last episode of "the good place" when Tahani created a huge list of things to achieve and just focus on perfecting each skill

where I get obsessed over random things and I'm don't feel bad if I do it over and over again
(2 days ago I followed a tutorial to make a flappy duck which took me HOURS)

---

I wish to be deprived of the burden of responsibility, yet I've been enjoying work thus far. I take every crazy bit of it, and wear it like a badge of honour every day. 

---

Everyday I ask myself "who am I?" and I couldn't help but end it with "24601"

For aren't we just prisoners of our own doing, and the horse in the 1984 book? 

I discover more of what I like and dislike everyday, but not who I want to be when I grow up.

And that should be okay... Right?

 

8月5日~~

What a bad day at work. 

I have embarrassed myself by failing to translate technical terms. But to be fair I was not set up for success for my first translation activity. 

I didn't know the content nor the audience. 

None of it was easy conversational chinese. 

Here are some snippets of my struggle. 

" deployed sites at a low capital and low spectrum... acclerate the digital economy ... "

"Low altitude connectivity "

"Hyperscale, mid scale small scale'

"System integrator"

My god I already struggled with "secretary general" 

The only thing that saved me was that there was another translator on vendor side that probably did this before and got the hang of it 

Anyway. I ended up crying on the train of embarrassment texting my mom my husband and my colleagues attempting to just comprehend what just happen

But perhaps I had too much pride, 

Perhaps publicly embarrassment in front of chiefs and ministers is a business one should shrug at, 

Perhaps its normal to go to blank out and cry at the poetry section whilst compartmentalising feelings,

Perhaps when it's okay to overprepare and stutter anyway, 

Perhaps it's okay to cry while your parents and husband cheer you on and affirm you

But one thing I've learnt about myself is I am in denial phase until my tears start trickling 

And I also know (albeit I can't imagine that yet) that I learn from my mishaps and when I bounce back, I will be better than the last time 

I am not okay, 

But I take comfort in knowing I'll be okay in due time

7月23日~~

As I struggle to quiet my mind on my 40-min train ride. 

I have to constantly remind myself, that i will need to come to peace on open topics and mid-way debates. For without that, I will never be able to quiet the chatter in my mind, and will never achieve peace at home. 

I need to learn how to switch off my brain, and stay in the present. 

How did the ancient rulers do that? How did Marcus aurelius do it? 

I wonder if there is a quick fix for my problem. But alas, I can only blog to rant and reflect.

6月5日~~

I got so worked up by a certain C level that I ranted to people.

It's surprising to see the number of people who agrees and emphatizes but scary to see the number of people whom I did not rant to, but knew anyway

I'm going to remember not to rant so loudly. 

I got so worked up, I got physically  tired. 

But musical songs in the end of the day, really helps sooth me. 

And that the hint that the job is mine to lose if I never fight for it

5月26日~~

Being in a long term relationship means you can argue who is most likely to be "the real slim shady" because they would have to stand up after a full meal. 🫠

5月15日~~

Writing this post so I don't normalise certain behaviours which I've unfortunately accepted in the workplace today, in no particular order:

1. Public sexual remarks 

2. Public disrespect towards the LGBTQIA community (and can't sequence the letters correctly)

3. Does not know how to type your name 

4. Playing phones during the meeting and interrupt the meeting when they found something irrelevant online 

5. Not turning up to meetings because they felt like it

6. Use of vulgarity

7. Mocking of accents 

8. Passing on work as "Learning opportunities" so they can have coffee with friends for 2 hours. 

I'm in utter shock at the lack of professionalism for people who spent decades and should have known better. 

--- 

It's hard when your company's system (management, performance rating) is ineffective and frankly does not care about discipline and respect. 

Even when you disrupt a meeting with the CxOs, they allow for it and even discusses whatever conversation is there. There is no respect for time. 

Ps. if you ever do report, it WILL bite back. Because these reports are never practically anonymous. If the offender is not removed from their post, consider yourself cold-storaged. 

I had to reflect why I'm having such a hard time adjusting to these old-school behaviours.

Was it knowing my rights when I was working in the UK? Or was it the strict discipline I was  used to in school? Or was it my inherent task-checker character that has got me this far?

Either way, I'm having a hard time. 

I was told that there's no guarantee that this would be better off in the UK or in consulting. 

---

I got to constantly count my blessings, whilst knowing things will not be better. 

My only hope is the new CEO, whoever it is, whenever they come in, also emphasises on culture and discipline. 

But one can only dream.

4月4日~~

There's one noticeable change in my lifestyle after I went from wfh to wfo. 

I no longer desire to use my laptop to surf the Web after work. The reasons are multiple, most excuses, motivation being the main one. 

Then I realised, it was because I was never used to "work" after I mentally think "work" is done 

 

And because wfh is more private in nature, I could use it to learn and identify future opportunities during work hours. Now that's no longer possible given the open office concept, I'd much rather play with my phone than show interest in things other than my own work. 

I need to change that, by changing the strict work-life balance boundary I've had in place. That takes time, let's see where this goes

3月28日~~

Watching "afterlife" set in the town of Canterbury had the sort of blimey weather, it's episode 1 so it's still okay. But the architecture gives me a nostalgic feeling, a part of me that I left behind. 

I had another one of those impulse to go back to consulting. I managed to talk mysel out yesterday night. But I wonder if it's ambition, boredom or just the urge to find something to clint on to that reminded me of the past

3月21日~~

Putting things in a different perspective now that new information has arisen

I've been put up as the equivalent of a "top performer" in my company, technically this just means moving me up the bellcurve, a somewhat rare spot with just 3 spots for commercial people across ranks. 

My boss read out his comments on my performance for my year, they were all great positive feedback. My improvement plans are just gain more experience, which is great, it just means expand scope and learn, you'll learn and adapt as you go. 

And now that I'm on the train, I just realised what this meant. 

It's my first year of being a manager, and I've exceeded expectations.

It's this great epitome that has forced me to look back at the passing year. Yes there were lousy, imposter times, but I've done well in the position I'm at. And I shouldn't let the reverse pyramid pull me down, make me feel inferior and get back into my shell. 

This overwhelming amount of confidence surfaced. I am meant to be doing strategy work and I shouldn't be too defeated others are doing better, because I'm the only one at my role and I should benchmark against myself. 

And I have hope again.

I was asked to look into a profile of a new company.

 And I'm inspired again. 

3月13日~~

大我一级的同事吩咐我做他的工因为他 ‘lack motivation’ 然后老板什么都没说，反而让他嘿了半天。

跟他同级的同事讲他，他也不理踩。

我刚只专注完成任务，现在想回去，突然有万分委屈。😞 他欺人太甚！

是嫉妒吗？是不爽最近CxO都有在吩咐我做事吗？

为什么这种态度会存在？难道大家都只能同情我，但这种情况猖狂下去吗？

我们的performance review难道还能同比吗？

他今天说了这些话，做了这些事还告诉老板" I don't care what KPIs you set for me, as long as you give me the top score"

决定不申请其他工作是因为以下原因

1) 老板答应会带我去他下一个工作的地方，他所说的机会，我都觉得会比我能想象的下一份工作有趣。

2) 再来这份工作不需要我OT，我不敢担保下一份工作也一样轻松。

可是今天，我真的感到无助委屈。也去no1也不是很重要了，我可以先跑，但礼貌上交代他一声；no2也许我还年轻还能tahan高压地方，又或许我用力一点找工作就能找到有work life balance 的地方。

但也许假设我可以找到另一份parallel career 我就不会那么看重这样的委屈了

之前下定决心的决定突然有些动摇了

3月8日

Woke up earlier to do yoga in the dark as usual.

After my regular session, I continued to twist to relief the pain in my back. 

I was suddenly brought back to when I was 5, and I was wide awake in a dark room i share with my family, mesmerised by the radio lights, whilst sitting in various positions. 

There's comfort in that memory.