12月27日~~

The worst part is out, now that my parents know too. 

Surprisingly not as painful as I thought

到最后也许只是过不了自己那关

Despite how much I want myself to think otherwise

Ky told me to not see of my daily meditation as a source of stress 

Its obvious what I have to do next

But what's stopping me?

I'll have to figure out. 

At least I'm not alone.

11月28日~~

In a constant state of not-okay
That's all for now

One day it will be okay again
Fully aware of the story "the boy who called wolf"

So, I'll use that card when I really need it.
As long as I could think of ways that  "It can be worse than this"
I'm not as bad as I think.

Cheer up and grab a beer

11月22日~~

A lot of things have happened this past few weeks
I realised I have anxiety
I told my boyfriend, a friend or two, some alies from work and a family member
I know that in some ways, I'll need someone to look out for me
when I lose my rationality
It'd like to pick and choose who would be there for me if I collapse

I feel like every time I look at people, I'll go sniff around thinking "friend or foe"
I'm so anxious constantly it's crazy!
To top it up, this is the first time I've been triggered in the workplace
I've establised that my triggers arise from deadline extension
i.e. when I tell myself I'm leaving at 5pm, and suddenly that turns into uncertainty I get anxious
i.e. when I am on the train and told that I need to make extra travels on the same day alone
I get anxious .

I am currently so tired I could collapse
 I guess my friends are concerned as well when they found out what I was dealing with
I had a huge "awwwwww" moment when they keep telling me that I can always choose to stay with them when I ever feel alone so they could take care of me :)

I feel so understood when someone mentions this
I feel like no matter where I go, I'm taken care of. And that's what matters. :)
I am still anxious, don't get me wrong. While I'm tying this, I can feel that anxiety in me, I'm tired but agitated. Like a little leech, it clings on to me. I can feel it, It's in my veins when I wake up, and before I sleep. In a lot of ways, I feel different than before. I'm way more emotional, and with outbursts I get health implications that follows

I'd get multiple thought processes in me, pulpitation, urge to vomit, adrenaline rush and more.
This can't be healthy
I wished I was a better person, but at this moment, I'm trying so hard that it made me more anxious
I'm taking a small step each time
Good news though, there's only 2 this week.

To the person who is impacted the most
Dear KY,
thanks for always being there for me :)
Understand that I haven't been the best girlfriend so far
You're always there when I needed comfort the most
and that comes at random times, on Wednesday / Thursday etc
even if it's a last minute request
I knew I'd have you by the end of the day and all will be good again
However, I feel so bad each time when you come over
 You're so stressed out over me. and I'm always stuck in my tiny box of work and anxiety
I feel so bad from you. Yet whenever I try to hide things from you. Things get worse.
I love you darling :) Your love for me is out of expectation from me in anyway possible.

10月28日~~

I guess I enjoy my nights like these


==

A lone table lamp on a coffee table
A glass of scotch on the rocks
A stack of library / cheap books stacked up beside you that you know you won't touch for a while
A book, a notepad, a bookmark, a highlighter, a pencil, a pen and an eraser
All these while having a laptop in front of you to keep you company with noise and a plant to make you feel things are alive


===

I love this idea
Not necessarily just learning new things, since what I'm learning is painfully dry (information politics this time)
but the idea of getting time for yourself

The last time I did this I was at a hotel, reading a book on EU and brexit
It's just a personal preference of mine to highlight and make notes on my books
But sincerely, I do enjoy the idea of reading and the idea that I get to make a choice to say
"No, I won't work tonight" and proceed with doing my own thing
 cooking dinner, watch a video with some hot chocolate and proceed with a little casual drinking and reading

After this, call my boyfriend, go to sleep, take an early reflective train into London while watching the sunrise on the train.

What a life :)
I think I'm liking this, surprisingly not surprisingly

10月23日~~

Has been a busy past couple of weeks 

Hours felt like days, days felt like weeks etc. 

It's not suffocating yet, but it has been a lot going on 

I'm trying to learn how to roll with it 

Trying to make it clear that I don't work at night without sounding like a whiney baby 

Today a guy that transferred from the US asked me if I'm the kind who does things first then beg for forgiveness? or the kind who just asks for permission first?

I was out of words for a short while 

Found myself saying "That's a good question".. such a consultant thing to say that

I guess I'm still struggling between working cultures

Doesn't make sense to people why it's a slight struggle for me to fit in 

I have been trying for a long time 

===

I don't like how I've become as a person 

I feel like I've been working backwards, though still not as bad as before

The workload with ICMS was insane. this can't compare... yet 
And I hope nothing else ever would be that insane

Somehow, at the back of my neck, I feel like this is going to bite my personal life 

sooner or later 

My mental health, my health and the relationships I have with people will be deteriorating 

I can already feel exhausted

I got off at 5pm today, which is very early 

But I ended up working when I reach home till 6.45pm

The plan is to shower and cook dinner after that.
But after having my meals

I decided I don't want to work anymore

I'm too tired for anything 

I'm awake 

but tired 

I guess it's okay to cry a little

This can't be good for me. 

At least it's Wednesday today

And I can spend thursday and friday in bristol 

This travelling is a little bit insane 

Kind of makes me wonder why I chose this in the first place

I need to stay sane. I need to know who I'm doing this for.

Because if I don't know why I'm doing this anymore 

10月8日~~

Worked from home today

Since most of the people from my team is in London and there is nothing to do in the office

I told my manager

and he was chill about it 

=== 

It has been a busy past couple of days 

Sometimes I feel very down and I think people feel that 

I get a casual "You alright?" once in a while out of nowhere

And that makes me do a double-take on "All good, and you?"

It makes me want to believe that they are actually concerned for me

===

Am I actually okay? 

These blog posts are keeping me sane 

I feel like the moment I stop writing one of these 

will be the moment I start ignoring all my problems and the moment I start normalizing them 

That can't be healthy

But sometimes I'm afraid that the moment I start saying them 

They become real 

Do you get what I mean?

===

Sometimes I feel like I want someone to talk to 

But at the same time, when people are there, I don't know what to say 

===

I may need help, but I don't think I do yet 

In due time, maybe 

===

Alone time helps

but do they really? 

===

Things are mighty confusing on my end 

I get flashbacks and weird stuck-in-between feelings 

I also know it's just a phase 

and I hope one day I can figure out what I'm feeling

Most days, probably like a lot of other people, I spend most of my time working on developing myself and my career 

It takes a lot of courage for me to take some time to do some self-reflection 

and these 2 years, I did that quite a lot of it 

=== 

I called rose yesterday

We had a nice 2-hour long talk 

I updated her on what she missed out for the past 2 years 

She just stared at me and smiled 

I asked, "Why are you smiling at me?"
in which she answered, "Nothing. The moment just felt 奥妙. You've changed. Not a bad thing, it's a good thing. But in a lot of ways, you're still the same. "

I guess everyone from the past is shocked by the changes I've gone through this past couple of years

My thought processes and concerns... 

===

You can say that I'm madly in love

and I am 

:) 

===

Have you ever loved someone to the extent where you fear that what you do now is not enough to express how much you love the person? 

=== 

My blog is all over the place today, and I apologise to that.
I can be a bit of a mess

 

when my thoughts run wild

 

===

I miss you darling 

and I don't like to be alone 

I'll talk when I am clearer on what the problem actually is 

I've watched this movie earlier this evening

Was not expecting it to be that good. 

9月26日~~

6 working days after I returned from training in London
I got a call

===

I understand I've written a depressing note in the previous post
and by all means

I meant what I said

Yesterday, I received 2 emails
Apparently, I got sourced for a project

Granted...
it wasn't through word of mouth
I was sourced through the worst way possible

But hey, I'm not going to complain
at least I'm doing something that is more than just sitting in front of my laptop doing "training"

I'm being sourced on for two teams for the same project
which was odd. I thought it was for different things

Immediately I jumped on several calls
It's always a bit of a struggle to keep up with the jargon.

===

Yesterday night I expressed my frustration to KY

It was something depressing
could potentially lead me to trouble for stating the obvious

so I won't say it again
Some things are meant to be hushed up

===

Ignorance is bliss.
Do not talk about it if it makes people uncomfortable that you feel uncomfortable.

And my dear friends,
don't worry I know I made it sound serious.
But it probably isn't

But it just is in my little mind, all tied up with what I was hopeful for when I was in uni

===

Today was the first day I went to the client site
I'm not surprised by what I see

At least
I feel welcomed :)

Although, I'm still conscious about my surroundings

===

10 mins of sitting down
I got a call

I got transferred to another project team that called me yesterday on a role that is more suited for me

===

I got to brief a few things to the person who was taking over my place
I packed my bags thank people for their hospitality
and moved across the hall

I'm welcomed again

This time, the person let me know what was on my mind this whole time
He understands how I felt

Does he feel out of place at some point as well?
I felt .. more at home?
Comfortable with what I'm dealing with

He reminded me of a manager I was once working with
one that is approachable, down-to-earth, patient and understanding

A sense of familiarity flooded upon me

I think, I'll enjoy it here :)

9月23日~~

So we found the £3 bookstore
and went to the central library opposite me

===

I took Miriam to the Asian restaurant today
she told me she felt out of place

I guess this was how I've felt as well

===

Sometimes, it can feel quite lonely 

The non-EU staff in the office is mostly not on my side of the office
And when we do cross paths
It feels like a silent understanding of "Hey, we made it"

Or at least, I've felt that way
Maybe, I wanted to feel that way

People who don't suffer from the Tier 2 visa labour market tests
don't seem to understand
how grateful I am to even be here

They don't have to understand
but sometimes it doesn't seem ... fair?

Have been working my way through life for a while now
Like a lot of my peers

Taking a gap year is not one of those things you can just take with a heartbeat without thinking about the consequences of being less than desirable in the labour market test

===

I got myself a few books
Looking at my bookshelf
I can't help but wonder who I have become or who I am

There are books related to cooking, design, strategy, finance, romance, history, politics, classics and more

Who am I?
Who am I living for?

A quick look at my CV, people tell me that it's impressive
but to me, it just looks lost
even when I hear myself talk about my past internships
I can see that I was a lost chap

===

This "on-the-bench" time is not helping with helping me figure out what I am
in the office, I read about disruptive technologies
which took me back to the research I've done for my interviews with Barclays
but I can't say it

I recently just started on a book about Brexit
whilst I wonder if I am even allowed to step into the government office to help out with any of those
since I'm InTeRnAtIoNaL

Even my BRP (right-to-work document) has yet to come
HR has been chasing me about getting a national insurance number which comes with the BRP
and seniors told me there are limitations to the projects that I can take on

At least, they're honest

===

There was a saying that I love,

Back home, we are taught to be modest with our achievements. Not to question authorities, not to toot our own horn. They don't get that it's culture. 

Up until coming to that point, I thought I was the only one that felt that way.
I felt ... weirdly understood

despite shaking heads and apologetic promises from people of white about how un-diverse the older workforce could be

I understand that I'm not allowed to pinpoint people of colour

But acknowledgement is the first step to fix a problem, how can I help when I'm constantly well-conscious of who I am

• Is my accent weird? Do they understand me?
• Am I too straightforward with the way I do things? 
• Would they get my point, if I get to the point?
• Would my food smell?
• Am I flaunting my hands too much, is it too little? 
• Am I too exotic for people's taste?

and many more

it does feel lonely when you're on the darker side of the spectrum despite being yellow

Desperately clinging onto anything that feels like home

and pretending that I belong, when I clearly do not. 

One of the better times I've seen, is when people were talking about technology, and the senior says "Well done" while looking in my direction 

I was the most vocal when that happened.

Funny. How when I feel like I lack the understanding in technology and people were sitting there saying "I'm not a tech person, I don't know"

Funny. How when I think I'm not well versed in Excel and people tell me that they are good with data analysis in Excel when they can't even add a new column without a mouse. 

===

From one of my seniors, it is to my understanding that one of us is not supposed to be here. 

Given that the other came from an internship program. I'm quite well aware that it would be me who'd be rejected despite the surprisingly good feedback I got from the assessment centre. 

Was I the last of everyone's pick? 

Was that why I'm not assigned a project?
Do people not trust me because of my nationality, ethnicity or my culture?
Am I just hired because of the face of diversity? 

Based on my understanding, as ignorant as I may sound, I do believe that I can bring value to their projects. 

I start having questions that can't be answered ... 

Maybe it's just a phase. 

Maybe I should just try to find people who can understand.

It feels like June from the Handmaid's tale

As she walks around trying to find another handmaid who can understand her without having to spell things out 

Or maybe ... 

Just maybe ... 

I should see a doctor 

9月18日~~

Home after dinner with Nic and Adi 

This is my 2nd time meeting Adi, he's just one of those guys that's really approachable and friendly

The one guy whom you just hit it off really easily

Who doesn't really ask you what you're talking about despite your accent and the way you behave

I feel comfortable around people like that :) 

I have my potpourri in the oven

and I'll be prepping for dinner soon after I take a shower

Just one of those days with an early end and I feel blessed to not be commuting 

and have some time for chores

to finally give my small suitcase a rest after all those weeks of being used

===

We were in London on Monday and Tuesday and I'm back in Bristol today 

The first day in office was pretty chill 

Going through all those internships gave me the expectation that it's okay to chill a bit more for the first few days 

but of course, I'm pretty surprised when I was told that this could last for up to 2 months. 

Damns

===

Apparently, I'd know more about the details of my next engagement soon, today or tomorrow? 

But I'm not too sure. 

At this point, I'm expecting myself to travel during the weekdays

Trying to get a project in Exeter, if not in London

If I need to travel. I'd rather it be somewhere I want to be instead of being in the middle of nowhere :)

Things are good. So far so good. 

For some god damn reason, I'm less conscious about my culture, my accent, the way I stumble through some words and sentences when people caught me off-guard as compared to when I'm with my peers

People don't lean in and say "WHOT"

and they made an effort to call me by my name so far

or at least pay the same amount of attention to me as compared to my peers

so that's good :) 

I'm not ready to change my name and give up my identity just yet

Let me hold on to it

===

I get so tired around 9.30pm these days

That's insane

9月15日~~

Hello :) 

I understand I haven't been super active on my blog for a while

But, lots of milestones have been achieved so far :D

So my parents came over for 3 weeks. It was a sweet treat for me

I can't believe that the first thing I did was ask them how their flight was

when the first thing I should be doing was to give them a big hug and telling them how much I miss them

I guess that's what happens when you're constantly guarding on your emotions.

The trip was pretty sweet :) though I spent a lot of my nights away from my parents (i.e. in different rooms) which wasn't too ideal. 

The Isle of Skye was gorgeous, I got to go on the Hogwarts express which was a dream come true. I can't tell you how grateful I was 

I enjoyed the scenery a lot :) And I wished that KY was around to share the moments with me too 

Then, we went to Liverpool. I initially thought it would be a fun-filled trip, but it was more like a breather on the trip. It was nice knowing more about the Beatles, which was one of KY's favourite band for a while now. Makes me miss him that much more. 

I get to meet a few friends while I was in London. Sophia was on her trip to the UK from the US.
I was grateful for that :) 

I haven't met her in a while now, and we used to be very close :) 

It was nice being able to talk to her, although staying up till 3 am just to go to Duck and Waffles wasn't ideal for my schedule ( I was on a morning train the next day) 

But it was nice :) Just like old times :)

Some things that I'll miss the most actually :) 

Then, graduation came. 

It was surreal. I nodded to my professor thanking him for the good grade and good time he gave me during research. In hindsight, he was a very good mentor. 

Funny, how four years, lead to that very brief moment on stage.

The person who sat next to me was Alex, part Swedish part Japanese (apparently! I only learned that about him during the ceremony)

I used to not like him too much because of a thing he said to me when we were working in a group "Work for me next time"
Now that I know he is lost an unemployed. I feel bad for thinking that :(
And I only wish the best things to happen to him :((( 

YX and RJ were there too, dragging me to places to take pics.
KY and I had a pretty good pic there on the bridge.
On hindsight again, it was a romantic picture. And I have very good friends who don't cringe when they took the photo and asked me to do it again and again until they got the angle right.

I remember the look on KY's face as we leaned in for a kiss on camera for the first time

and I remember the look on RJ and YX's face when we took the picture
It was surely sincere happiness for us...

I know now, that they'll definitely be on the invitation list to the wedding if they'd like to :) 

I am very lucky to be surrounded with friends that stuck with me till the very end from the very beginning and I'm very grateful for that.
HX and GY gave me their gifts and cards :) 

Matthew came even though he doesn't have to
JJ asked me if I'd join him for the last musical he'll watch in the UK 

damns, things just for emotional 

Yet, my last night was still spent with the most important people in my life
My parents and KY.
The real heroes behind all these

The ones who provided me with the $ support, emotional support and knows me the most

Who listened and held my hand as I cried, who celebrated the best day of my life.

We travelled to Bristol on the same day 

Ready for the first day of my adult life the very next day
(Also, I skipped the first day of my work. Funny stuff)

I messed up the travel schedule apparently... 

Idk how still. 

But in the end, KY helped out and when I got back from the office, we had a quick dinner at my place (completely skipping the Exeter trip), and went to London after. 

I was grateful again, 

the last time I "cheers" with my dad

the last time I said I love you to my mom 

and the last time I said goodbye to them at the airport

Oh, I miss them so :') 

We went to take a nap back at travelodge before we go into central to meet some of our friends.

Geyin came to find us at Koya, and we paid a visit to Guan and RJ and YX's place.

It was nice feeling nothing has changed.
But once 5pm comes, we had to go back to Bristol. 

====

Monday the 9th came..
I travelled to Wokingham

and KY came with me

He helped me with organising my stuff and carrying my luggage 

while he embarked on a journey to Exeter

And by the end of the week, 

he came to Bristol. What a surprise on 中秋节 !! :) 

I whispered to him how much I loved him and how much more I do while we danced to songs on my Spotify playlist. 

What a treat!

Right now, my man is in York right now, for his first-ever PhD Presentation! 

Words can't explain how proud I am. :)

Our weekend was well spent.
After a week of waking up early and sleeping early

I managed to do the same on the weekends

We got to visit Cabot Circus and also walk around the £3 pound bookstore which we were eyeing on for a while since I first moved to bristol 


It was perfect :) 

===

Personally, everything is surreal at the moment

I struggled with the difference in culture

I small-talked with a lot of people 

I cried at how much I am "in-between" the Asian and Western culture, 

But it's actually not too bad :)

Miriam who is another Advisory graduate from Bristol is actually a very genuine person

She is a person of principles and denies sleeping late at night. Something which I should learn saying no to. Thankfully, with her by my side, it's easier for me to say "Thanks guys, but I'll see y'all in the morning. " She was born in Italy, studied in Aberdeen, exchanged in Washington and interned at EY Aberdeen. 

I appreciate how much she has opened up to me despite how little we know about each other.
I do enjoy her company. And I'm looking forward to hosting her for dinner :)

I met a really relatable person named Monday. She's half south african, half british. She's also a graphic designer and pursuing her dreams at EY-Seren. Looking forward to more conversations :)

Preeti is a very warm person, it's agreed within our friends. It's hard not to feel protective over her.

Debbie from Hong Kong, she's a person which I can bond over the Asia culture from. 

====

Idk why but I reflected on how far I've gone from  7 years ago.
Not a very long time. 

But when I looked at what I've wrote from then,
It seems apparent how much I've changed and for the better as well.

Darling, I appreciate you more than ever. :)
I wish you were here with me

or I was there with you in York.
You're the one I was looking for ... 

My troubles seem to all disappear once you hold me tight in your arms

And I love that about us. 

The warmth, the long looks into each other's eyes. etc

I look at the roses we folded for each other

and I can't wait for our future :) 

I love you darling

very very much 

much more than you can ever imgagine

8月20日~~

回到了这个空空的房间
看到只剩一个枕头的双人床

突然有点感触

昨天我们两个人进来
这个快什么都没有了的房间
只好两人睡在一个枕头上

我累垮了
不到几分钟就入眠了
沉睡前的回忆就只是
一个温暖的手臂
和柔柔梳着我头发的五指

半夜时，感觉一双熟悉的唇亲了我的嘴唇一下

感觉好幸福，好像睡美人或白雪公主如此

。。

隔天告诉你此事，你还害羞了一下
这男人也太可爱了

:)

8月14日~~

Home alone

==

things somehow worked out in the end.
I got my visa appointment the day after tomorrow

Given that I've just received my email this afternoon
This is a good head start from what I was used to

I have been alone for a day now.
I took a step out of the house today, came in and realize,
hey, this is my place :)

I can drink wine and watch a movie

that's something ...



isn't it?

==

Also, there is an overwhelming comfort that comes with getting a room alone

you get to clean without feeling you're cleaning for someone else :)

the decorations aren't there yet. I'm afraid that it'll take a while until I'm okay with decorating in my flat.

8月8日~~

I'm about to move out tomorrow
 I think it only struck on me yesterday
that I won't be seeing my friends the same way I am now

for a while

I guess that's why I'm frantically meeting people every meal

====

Feeling a little down, a little misunderstood these days
Sensitive is the word perhaps

Well, no time for being a cry baby I guess, just need to soldier on

I got nothing to add on

When time permits and I'm alone, maybe I'll find the time to ask myself "how do YOU feel YT"
Maybe, just maybe I'll find words then.

7月23日~~

Adulthood
While I'm ultimately relaxing before my job

It's inevitable that there are always tiny errands to do in between which I do not enjoy
Verdict: Annoying level 10/10

from financing to taxes, to housing agents, to insurance, to visas
it's all very very annoying

What I find the most disturbing,
is the number of things I don't know
Things don't always come with a manual

I was consistently asked to take a chill pill
and when the other party asks for a document or proof
I don't have it, and this all takes such a long time

It's slightly stressing me out unnecessarily
I'm not very prepared for this.
And in times like these, I feel alone, very alone.

Why is no one else freaking out like me?
I need help

7月7日~~

Last day of anything always suck

And I'm not ready to say goodbye..

Everytime I leave a place, tears are in place automatically. Makes me sad that my parents and brothers aren't ready for me to leave either

They never make a fuss about it.. but the way they tell me they love me and they'll miss me

Just aches me so

Constantly reminding me that I am leaving home for a new life and I am never ready for that.

I made a promise to come back in 2-3 years. Let's see how it all turns out.

7月2日~~

I'd wait for the cruise to be over
But I can't wait anymore

I got first class this year. 72.4%
Would be my first first class in 4 years.

So my overall is 67.8% instead

===

Instead of saying that I'm glad
I'd say that I'm very grateful

To those who has supported me throughout this journey
The ups and the downs

This was a good year.
A much better year.

And I don't regret how I spent it.
Focusing on the people I love
Instead of keeping myself occupied with miscellaneous responsibilities

I slowed down and kept my focus clear.
It helped me a lot.

===

To my darling, thank you for the amazing year.

For standing by my side through and through.
For cooking, travelling, guiding, motivating and being the light of my life.
You made me a better me. And for that, I thank and love you. :)

6月22日~~

What a day,

A day where toy story 4 is out
And where KY leaves for the UK

I met him last week, and will be going back in 2 weeks, making the next available weekend the 4th week before I meet him.

That's one whole month :o

My my my indeed.

===

Funny isn't it? We had similar late night conversations 2 years ago the night  before he flew to the UK. A strangely familiar feeling.

===

Grandma looks so excited about the cruise ship, dad seemed so happy that she is happy. Then, I'm happy seeing that my dad is happy.

This would be such an interesting illustration to draw.

===

I'm very lazy these days. Holidays are the best when they are actual holidays.

5月20日~~

I just saw a video on YouTube "What's the bravest thing you've done?"

The sort of question that makes you reflect and think.
Hmm, what would it be..


A couple of flashbacks came to me.. but is it considered brave when you don't remember if you were scared?

I guess a vague answer such as "Doing the right thing" should sum it all.


===
3 more days till my last paper

5月6日~~

Apparently, I haven't updated in a while
If KY didn't remind me I almost forgot about this little space

Anyway
here's a really quick update
things have been moving fast
I can't believe time is doing this to me

I've finished my thesis
So that's that
I was super stressed out during then
Gary and I had a shared total amount of sleep from Wednesday morning 10am - Friday afternoon 12 pm
 a total amount of 5 hours and that was me sleeping on Wednesday night alone

it was intense
the whole process was insane, an intense amount of lab hours, analysing results and so on
but I actually stayed up just to fix my grammar, which is funny
I never would have expected myself to stay up for grammar, but I didn't sleep the day before until 7 am on Thursday and woke up at 12 pm, so that's fine I guess.

A week after that thesis deadline I took off to Austria with KY
visiting Vienna, Salzburg and Hallstatt
It's like a 2nd lil honeymoon
just as amazing as the 1st one :)
given that I also picked the place :p
I've always wanted to go to Austria since I came to the UK, I knew it was just a step closer to that dream
In my first year, I was flatmates with an Austrian named Laura
I still wrote to her on Christmases and she knows about my obsession with Austria
My parents went there on their honeymoon... Salzburg where they saw performances about the Sound of Music

My dad has been a huge fan of the Sound of Music and I've watched it countless times when I was younger and am in love with their music since then
My mum was a huge music nerd. She bought all these music history CDs so I'd know the history of all the famous musicians and somehow they were all from Vienna

So I knew, I wanted to go to Vienna and Salzburg.. one day :) It was meant to be!


And once again, I would need to thank my parents
for giving me the freedom of choice to travel and to pursue my career


In Vienna, I got to listen to some classic tunes...
I was so touched, that I started tearing up a little
As much as I thought I would, I didn't know I'd actually get the chance to hear some of the classics of Strauss and Mozart at the place where it was written.
I whispered "thank you" to KY
and continued enjoying the music
closing my eyes
singing to the tune a little
jumping with glee at a note that I've anticipated
it was everything I've always dreamed off :')


And when I was in Salzburg, I was singing tunes from the Sound of Music everywhere I go,
even to Mozart-related Statues.

I was beaming with joy, I have dreamt of this moment for such a long time.
And I was glad that I had my favourite person alongside me all this time,
albeit the fact that he was absolutely mortified by how many people were singing to the tunes on the bus

Every night we would chill in our Airbnb, he would cook me dinner while I study Energy Systems and Sustainability. I would cuddle up next to him, after, of course, he has put on a duvet on the sofa and made it extra comfy

Those were the nights I look forward to

===

Fast forward to today, I've gone through 2 papers.
Today KY hugged me and told me that time has passed by so so fast
I'm about to graduate
He has been at Exeter for almost 1 year
And we're going back to Malaysia again

That really struck me to heart
I realized it has been almost a year and a half since I've been together with him

===

My tier 2 visa ...

I miss home
My dad was sad when I told him that I might be able to make it home
and he teared up a little
My heart tightened and
I miss home a lot more

After a month or so of agony
I asked EY and they told me it shouldn't be a problem

 After that, I told KY and my family that i'm coming home

From 3rd June to 5th July
for 3 years
I haven't celebrated my dad's birthday

He reminded me that this isn't a big deal since he's 60th birthday was coming up next year

...

Those 2 nights, I had nightmares that I'd lose my dad
I was sad when I woke up and told KY about it

It sort of reminded me of a short chat I had with CY
when he told me how he almost teared up when we were at king's cross
it reminded me of how much I have been losing out on

...

2 years ago, my dear friend victor told me that if a person has 60 years to live
he thinks he was satisfied with the life he has lived

and I too, think I have done enought to feel calm if life were to bring me to my end

after that I told rj about it, and he was so sad since his dad was 60 years of age then

I realised, that ... my dad is almost 60

...

my granddad (my mom's dad) had like 70+ years of age to live in

this makes me pleasantly sad
that I've lost 4 years already

and now I'm losing 3 more years

===

I miss home ...
really I do ...

I told dad (and he has agreed) that I'd go back whenever I was required by Visa
but I'll stay as long as I can

===

I miss KY too ...

the moment he leaves this room
this room felt empty again,
reminded me of the time we've held each other tight and teared up a little before we leave..

what I was glad was that I could countdown, in single-digit numbers,
the day we'd meet again...

right now, some of my friends already know what'll happen to us in the future
and they're all very happy for me on all the decisions we've made

It's going to be some interesting 2 years or so ahead of me
I'm glad that I can still share some remnants of my life with you, and I'm glad you're still here with me :)
on the journey of growth ...

We all learn how to cherish the people we're with over time
and I'm glad that he's here with me on my 成长过程 :)
sincerely, from the bottom of my heart

I'm glad that he has stuck by

:)

5 days till we meet again
4 days till my 3rd paper
28 days till I go back home with KY :)

3月21日~~

Sometimes things can be as simple as

I went out in a holiday
I got into an accident and rupture my acl

Came back crippled
--

He basically moved in to help me with my everyday needs

Went to each hospital session with me

Squeezed my hand as I cried during daily physio sessions and iced my legs as I took painkillers

Came back to malaysia with me as i did my surgery

Drove back and forth from melaka to kl, for MORE physiotherapy sessions

Expressed concerns when I signed up for a half marathon yet he signed up with me

Motivated me to go out for runs

Ran by me for 21.45 km, making sure everything is alright with me.

---

We ran a half marathon after

See how easy it was to miss the middle section for this story

Sometimes it's obvious why I fell in love with him and why this love is deepening at at constant rate. But it's still a mystery as to why he'd love me instead or anyone else. How lucky am I :)

Cant wait for tomorrow to come.

3月14日~~

Hello, world

It has been a month, I was told that I haven't been updating as much. I had a little drink and decided to update this since there's no class tomorrow.

Here's a quick snapshot of my life since then :
1) I've turned 23. My friends and boyfriend threw a surprise KFC party at home as I came back from Exeter. I enjoyed it 2000% and am grateful to be surrounded by so many lovely and kind people.

2) I ran a half marathon with KY. It was a first, a strong feeling that I can do much better than 2 hrs 24 mins. Since I had the stamina (apparently and also to my surprise) but I didn't have the muscle strength. It's okay! I'll get it back. At the 10th km when I ran under an hour, I felt amazing.

It's as if the surgery never happened, the accident never happened, everything was normal ..
Dad wasn't too pleased when he realized I ran the half marathon and made me promise not to do anything to hurt my ligament again. Though, I know he is low-key proud of me

3) KY turned 23. A month after my birthday, it was his. A day after the half-marathon. I brought him to sky garden and we had dinner. He shared with me memories of his past, which I always adore knowing more about. Listening to his tales, it reminded me of how wonderful and how unexpected life can be.

===

A close friend of mine just turned 23 today as well
I can't help but notice our last facebook chat.

Damn, have I always been this cringy and sentimental at all times of the day?
I realized how I used to like speaking in metaphorical terms
something that hasn't really changed a lot

Occasionally I'd ask my friends "5 years ago, would you expect yourself to be where you are now?"
Normally, it's a laugh followed by a strong "No, never in a million years"

It sort of reminds me that
No one else has their future planned out, you just go with the flow, grab on to the opportunities and ... here you are 5 years later.
  (unless of course, you signed up for a 5-year-course. Then that shouldn't change as much)
Everything has changed, there are a few constants, of course, for example,
1) the love I've received from my family has always been strong
2) some of my low maintenance friends are still sticking around, sending me postcards and birthday cards

===

Come to think of it, what was I doing 5 years ago when I was 18
Ah, around this time, I am 2 months into college. I have breakfast with my dad every morning before my classes which I wasn't used to, but was so used to waking up early.

During breakfast, I'd read on my bio notes. I had more time on my hands since I haven't joined any clubs or societies. I simply go to classes and go back home.

I was still in shock that Saturday don't have classes, and classes start so late and ends so early.
I didn't know what to wear each morning and absolutely love my light blue sweater which is worn out rn.

I started getting close to a few friends whom I'm still in contact (and very close) to, I didn't expect them to stick around until now. :)

I was still with my then boyfriend and uncertainties of the future have yet to plague me as much.
I wanted to be a doctor and go into healthcare. Engineering was definitely out of my mind.

I just got my SPM results probably. That was a confusing moment. I didn't score as well as I thought I'd score. My parents didn't care, they just cheered and gave me a bouquet of flowers and held me tight, saying they were proud of me. I wasn't very happy, I thought I've disappointed my parents. The only person I've disappointed was myself. It was just an okay moment for me. I only got 5A+s. The others are just As, and I got an A- for my Chinese.

I still struggled to speak, or more accurately, to learn in English for most of my classes. Under the encouragement of my teacher and principle, I signed up to be a math tutor for SAM students.

====

After a month or two...

I remember going for club meetings, joining in a conversation where the students say Chinese school students (i.e. my friends) suck at conversing. I felt like I didn't belong, yet I kept quiet. I was the Editor of the College's yearbook, I was surprised that the teacher advisor has such confidence in my English or my leadership skills.

====

Some memories still lie fresh in my mind.
Now I'm a final year chemical engineering students
I'm currently in a serious relationship for 1 yr 4 mths 4 days
I no longer join clubs and societies
I focus all my energy in my studies, the people I love, and the things I create
I still own a light blue jacket, albeit a different style.
I picked up crotcheting and got a ukulele on top of a guitar I owned

I actually got a job in the UK and realize I enjoy creating a little art when I'm free but unsure as to where this will go ...

Of course, there are other nasty habits I've picked up along the way
I started swearing and drinking

I think these are the 2 traits I didn't expect myself to pick up 5 years ago. After being in a relationship, I've been controlling the latter trait as I attempt to find other ways to vent frustration.

===

I just started writing my thesis 2 days ago. Things are going uncomfortably slow.
To people who asked, I normally just answer "could be better, could be worse"
which is technically true.

I have 2 more deadlines coming 2 weeks. And I'm hoping to finish them within the week. Wish me luck :D

===

2月12日~~

Perfect :)

===

Yesterday evening, I was telling KY how I was worried that EY hasn't sent an offer letter to me yet .. Without that, my stay here is not official.

He pulled me close and told me not to worry

"Have they replied your email yet?"
"No. But my friend hasn't received it either"
"Are you sure?"

We played a game of pick-up sticks after that chat
It was the best 1 pound we've ever invested thus far
I played "soft pop hits" on Spotify while we played
Probs also to muffle our shit-talk from our neighbours.

Those games always bring the worst part of us out.
Totally worth it

===

Around 11 pm, after we finished playing, I checked my phone
Lo and behold, there's that EY Bristol offer letter

===

Did you know, months ago, I was at the same spot,
just as I received my Barclay's offer
I received my EY assessment centre as well?

I remember feeling confused, frustrated
He said "Why not? You've worked so hard on it anyway."

The location, the job scope. It was everything I wanted.

===

I told KY somewhere along the lines of "说曹操曹操就到 我的EY offer letter 拿到了 "

I was happy and went over to hug him.
I told him to "Come, dance with me to rejoice!"
we laughed as we are both in desperate need of the washroom after that long game of pick-up sticks

My Spotify list was still playing
"Perfect" by Ed Sheeran
It's just one of those moments in life where you felt like you're in a movie

I didn't know I was relieved
until I started sobbing
"Darling, I'm staying"
were the first words.
"I must be the luckiest man on earth to hear you say those words twice"
We laughed and I cried (I swore he teared up a little, though he wouldn't admit this)

We slow danced to the song until it finished
He held me close
Everything felt real.

The intermission of my life
is over.

Thanks, darling. :)

===

It's reading week, I should start working on my next deadline.
Oh ya, I've finished my unicorn and posted it home :)
Also, I've digitally illustrated 4 miniature scientists. Probs should get myself an instagram account for my creative outlet. huehue

2月1日~~

Went out with the lads at lab for drinks
Definitely out of my comfort zone

===

In Year 1, I turned down almost every invite to drinks
I just simply like to stay at home in the middle of the night

Since I'll be staying for another 2 years or so
might as well get into the culture :)

Starting to get closer to some of my peers, people in the labs who are actually non-Malaysian
Once again, it's rare for me to do that, mainly because I don't join them for drinks

There are a lot of small talk when I talk to people older than me
and I'm still working on that British humour of mine
It'll get on as time goes by

But as for my peers, they're more real in some ways
probs cuz it's more relatable

===

Lot's of good news these few days happening to the people around me
and I'm sincerely happy for everyone of them
people getting jobs, getting into relationships, research direction being more defined
If I'm a sim I'll probably be walking in a happy way that it almost seems goofy and dancy

Planning ahead calms me down etc
On top of that, I'm actually going to finish a coursework 2 / 3 days before the deadline
very interesting, this is so unlike me

===

Found a new musical soundtrack to enjoy "Dear Evan Hansen"
My newfound addiction is right next to "The Waitress" which I still listen to daily

I still can't believe I'll be watching it soon ♥

"Dear Daddy Long Legs" was relatively short lived, probs cuz I was also creeped out by the way she proclaimed her love to her "Daddy". Damn, I never saw it that way when I read the book at a younger age, not till I heard the soundtrack.


===

Some high school alumni made this cool website for the other alumni's to locate themselves on the worldmap
That's actually a pretty cool concept. If everyone does that, it's going to be one huge red pin on the map given the head count at my school.

===

Also, I'm finishing up my crotchet unicorn
It'll probably be done after the weekends

Right now it doesn't have hair. it looks so bald.

===

This afternoon, I was so frustrated with my coursework I took a nap
2 hours later, I woke up. Subconsciously feeling content and relief and loved.
I realized I dreamed of him. Though I have no idea what the dream was about. But I do remember feeling happy.

If 生死轮回 is an actual thing, how lovely would it be for me to suddenly feel content because of things I've done in this life?

===

It's 2am in the morning now,
I've missed a lot of snow falls in London

He's coming over tomorrow :)
Weekly meet-ups are indeed the best part of the week

===

1月27日~~

Taking the train from terminal to terminal
I wonder what you're doing now or
what you did when you're in my spot taking fortnightly train rides much more often than I do

I replayed my Spotify playlists over and over again
Read my books, study a little, play some games, talk to you

Talking to you..
The little joys of life :)

How I yearn for the weekends to come
You're always making sure that I enjoy the weekends, no matter if I'm here or I'm there
You cooked meals for me, take me around town, hug me to sleep

You booked tickets to The Waitress for us
You watched Singin in the Rain and all the videos I made you watch with me
You danced silly with me

This afternoon, you told me that everytime you hold me close
you felt like we were in a picture drawn by puuung
the kind that was seen from an angle high up
where we're small and with lots of space

and I said to myself "yes, like nothing else matters but us"

thanks darling :)
for giving me the perfect weekend 
for telling me that you love me
at every random time you could find 

1月15日~~

It's nice having some time for yourself occasionally
I cherish those long walks to home and taking hot showers

Today I had quite a bit of time thinking about
the bits and pieces of my life for the past 23 years
The memories that I cherish the most with my loved ones

I think about them when I was walking home from an unproductive run
I closed my eyes when I was in the shower today
feeling relaxed and at peace from the mild exercise I've had

I opened my eyes, it was definitely less than 3 minutes
I smile thinking what a good life I've had there

Funny, how half a day of lone time can help me internalize the emotions in me

going for my 2pm lectures soon.
good life indeed

1月11日~~

Winter went away in a blink of an eye
Soon enough, it went from 4 assignment deadlines to 1 assignment deadlines left
And right now, it's colder than winter

===

It's Friday 1.08pm
I haven't had a better schedule in such a long time
despite the coursework deadlines
 I feel a little relief

All of a sudden ...
I miss my friends
I miss my family
I miss him

I haven't been calling home very often
once a week maybe
but last week seems to be a blur, so I probably skipped that a bit
My dad is feeling down these days

I can't help but feel bummed too

===

At the end of winter hols
before he left
he made me a huge (and I mean gigantic) pot of fried rice
in preparation of my upcoming design project deadline

as a result, I didn't have to cook Maggi for the next few days
For that, I'm grateful to have him

===

Something about food always strikes me to heart

I was watching 周杰伦's 开不了口 MV again
the one that was a remake

Of course, I cried again,
at the scene when the dad was there to cook the daughter a meal

It reminds me of the time when my dad was here in London
the first 3 years when I moved in
he cooked for me while I was out running errands
he helped me with groceries and all that
I'm definitely a huge daddy's girl

Even during the summer
I spend quite a lot of time interning instead of spending time with him
On summer nights, my dad stayed up till 11pm, he usually sleeps at 9pm
When I asked him why he simply said because you're here dear

Sometimes when I'm free (aka not designing, I think I had 3 clients then)
I spend my time lying on his belly watching the TV series he's watching with mom or playing with my phone

All these little things
make me want to turn back time

===

In the meantime, I feel that KY is planning for my bday
I'm quite surprised, given that it's more than a month away :o
I thought my birthday is more like a ... "Hey, wanna grab dinner this weekend?" kind-of ritual

===

I just put used the countdown app again on my phone
7 days to go :)

===

Did you know the half marathon is only 2 months away? Damns

===

I finished reading Two by Two by Nicholas Sparks
A surprising ending, I think I had tears welling up at 3am that morning I finished
Though he was asleep (I think) he put his hands around my waist and ask me if I'm okay
It was a very warm feeling for me

===

Recently I'm reading the Handmaid's Tale
Kind of how I procrastinate
Surprisingly I saw it being mentioned on the Try Guy's Halloween video
that's how I got to know it
As a buy 1 get 1 half price deal, I got "Great Expectations" as well
KY bought them for me on New Year's day :)

I'm about 1/3 finished am already feeling depressed and dark LOL

===

It's a day of missing people and reading literature :)