I'm Staying

For every breakdown is a breakthrough

...


As I was playing 'two dots' on my phone,
a private number came in

My heart pounded fast as I muted my laptop
I can hear it ringing through my head

"This is it," I tell myself

I picked it up
I was right, Barclays was calling

She first started off by apologizing for not getting to me earlier
and asked me how I thought of the A/C
I told her that I don't know what to expect
It was a mixed interview, half went well, the other half was confusing

She laughed
and said she will put me out of my misery with some good news

"We're going to offer you a place with Barclays"
I couldn't help but gasp
as I thank her

The rest was a blur,
she runs me through with some basic information on what I should expect for the grad programme
 when I should start
and what's the pay
- my eyes widen as I wrote the pay down -
this is something beyond my dreams

she promised to send me the contract within these 2 weeks
but to be fair, I was too excited to hear her

I thank her again,
put down the phone

I dialled KY's number
and I told him "I got the job!"
and continuously shriek while on the verge of tears
it was my first A/C and I got it!
until I mumble the words

"Darling, I'm staying" 

I texted my family, they're now asleep
thanking them for all the support they've given me
and that it's finally time for me to send some money back home

I shared the news with a handful of my friends, and those who have coached me
they shared my happiness, asked me to start with the London Jobs and not move so far away, told me that they will do a quiet mini celebration later for half an hour, tell me that i'm another role model that you don't need an internship to get a job in the UK, let alone a high-paying one

I am thrilled
Finally, some certainty in life which I crave.
Finally, I am free from the bounds of engineering after graduation

I can see my future unfold before my eyes
I feel myself thanking everyone in my life, everything I've been through is a blessing in disguise
I feel myself on the verge of tears while I can't stop smiling,
I took a short time to breathe and look at the mirror that I couldn't stop polishing when I was stressed out ...

Damn .. this girl is staying





Also, a shoutout to my darling 
who was there for me when I was stressed out
followed me all the way to Northampton with his parents (which also means an extended gratitude to them too) 
held me tight every night when I had anxiety attacks from the unknown
reassures me all the time when times are tough
and for supporting me :) 

I love you, so so much.

10月25日~~

Stress does things to people
the same goes to sleep deprivation

---

I don't know what it is about me
I can't seem to focus
my heart is going full speed ahead
I couldn't sleep properly
It's detrimental
Is it the overconsumption of alcohol and caffeine again?
I doubt so
It's the regular amount, if not, much less than before

Think it's probably the stress
I'm losing control of my own life

The wait after the assessment centre is definitely torturous
Is the phone going to ring now? in 5 minutes? in the next hour? the next half a day? tomorrow?
Will they send me an email before they call me to prep me for what will follow?

I don't know
All I know is that
my phone is going to ring soon
and I can't stop recapping on the interview questions
things I've said, should have said and shouldn't have said
It haunted me last night

I broke down crying in the middle of the night
I can't sleep properly
I spent the whole night redoing the interview in my brain over and over again
The wait is hell

and I'm in dire need of a break for myself

---

10月24日~~

"It was the first time everything I've done in my life made sense"
as I wrote in my cover letter and deleted...

You came to mind

----

"May I ask the graduates to stand up and thank the people, who have supported you throughout this journey"
You stood up and looked at me
You applauded for me while I clapped with excitement for you

In that moment, I felt a tear in the corner of my eye
I am so proud of what you've achieved thus far and am genuinely excited for what the future holds for you

---

This week has been a dream
Unlike what I've anticipated, my grad applications are still surprisingly in the green boxes in my excel sheet

- progressing - 

I even got an A.C. yesterday in a job scope that I thought I would least likely get through!
Technology in banking for Barclays
Can you believe it?

I don't either
lol

On the bright side, it was good practice! Results are due to come in tomorrow or on Friday
It's either going to be a continuation of a dream or a brutal crash into reality
I have no idea

but hey, it's only the first :) and I've done my best

---

Thanks for believing in me :)
even in the moments that I don't

10月3日~~

Career stress hit me like a bus.
What would do if I can turn back in time 5 years ago?
"Get into the tech field, or get into the finance field"
No matter how disgusting I think both are, I just have to find a way to make this
"Marriage at first sight" work

If I knew what the trajectory of the world would go, I would have swung that way.
But then, How was that 17 year old going to know what she was going to be?
I'm 22, and I still have no idea what I want.

If all cause are lost
I'll go back to the country where the prime minister says
"Engineers are made because there's a national car."

I wish I knew
but my dad was right
I keep swaying around because I wasn't worried about being broke and poor and hungry
I keep trying out different industry because I wasn't hungry enough

That... is the biggest problem I have

I won't know if I'm working for a lost cause
Or is there a pot of gold on the other side of the rainbow?

I wish there was a way
I wish I knew

9月30日~~

I woke up to a nightmare
And I remembered that he was right beside me
I snuggled over as he put his arms around me
In his sleep, he uttered "I love you so much"

He turned over and pulled me tight

Little things like these reminds me what I'm fighting for every day