9月26日~~

Periodically freaking out
It's taking a toll on my personal life
Ah, I can feel myself crawling back to my old self... slowly but steadily

Everything comes with a price.

But talking to friends help
Change of plans, I choose what I want to do.

To the future :)

9月22日~~

Here we go again 😊

But this time, it’ll work, I can feel it
---

It’s about believing in a dream, together
It’s about knowing that you’re not alone when you feel that you are

Summer was a trial run, to be 2.5 hours away from each other,
You still made the effort to visit me once every 1 or 2 weeks

Now, we’re a 3-hour train ride away from each other
But I can see myself going to you every 2 or 3 weeks
Heck, I would go more often if I have the chance

The most comforting in this distance
is that you’re one call away from me,
you’re one train ride away from me,
you’re in the same time zone as me
and that you miss me just as much

Saying goodbye was painful
the tears, the heartache, the long hugs and the song


We deliberately designed our rooms
to make it a fit for 2 occupancy
It reminds me that separation was temporary
and that you’ll come back to me
and I’ll come back to you in the not-so-distant future

We buy train tickets in advance
so we know when the next visit is

We set goals and plan Bs
so we know what to achieve to be with each other and that it’s okay if we don’t

Mature relationships are to compromise but also to know your limitations
to talk things out when things are different

Here’s to mid-distance relationships 😊

9月21日~~

I've got no guts

---

Everytime I've got no guts
I come here to rant
to talk about my life and pretend that I do have the courage

As I browse through the internet
I decided that you know what? Why not I offer my services as a graphic designer?
Part-time, freelance
whatever...

And then I realize
I got no guts

I go over to the websites
and I check them up in the Tier 2 sponsor list

I'm so well aware of my disadvantages that it eats me up
I have the guts to freelance to my friends
To build a freelance design account

but no guts to get a new customer or
sign up to a PR agency

what's going on?

And before I know it
I go back to doodling
to designing

Designing has always been a safe haven of mine
oh god oh god what have I done?


A little note to self then ...

9月20日~~

So I'm in the UK right now,
or more specifically in Exeter with KY now
or even more accurately, I'm at home :)

Exeter seems to be a city stuck in the past
It hasn't changed since I last came here 3 years ago
But this time, I know I'm coming back
again
and again
and again

This city is like an illusion to me
something more like a dream than a reality

One that I'm struggling to keep myself from waking up
and struggling to wake up at the same time

Everything was relatively slower
than London... than KL ...
One that I see myself retiring in, or working in when I'm older and look forward to a plateau in my career
The only problem is, I'm too young and my future is uncertain

How does one work hard, and be at peace with oneself at the same damn time? 

I don't know yet but I still have time to figure it out before classes start next Friday
I started with a game plan but every now and then I started to take a break and soak in the dream that I'm in now like a sponge

KY is right, the longer I stay here, the more momentum I lose
and that is why I have to leave on Saturday

I pondered and I cried as the fear of uncertainty took over me
At that time, Sindy's message came in

She told me that she is going back to Malaysia, after being notified that it takes 2 months to go through the application and by that time, her visa would have expired and she should stop trying

I cried as I saw this message
I saw my future in a glimpse
She was going through the same thing that I am now last year

I told her that I was sorry to hear that
In reality, I was also scared that this would happen to me too

She told me not to be sorry for her, for she is at peace with herself
She found a good reason to go home and that she had tried her very best and that was what that matters

After giving it some thought for a night
it all made sense to me

I was avoiding uncertainty all this time
Focusing on Plan A, with a fear of a Plan B

---

Last night, in the arms of my sweet darling, I cried for 2 things
the fear of leaving Exeter, the fear of leaving the UK

He asked me to focus on the long-term plan, and that it's okay to have different short-term plans
so long as we have a common future

Damn, as an avid reader of my blog (if you ever exist)
There should be a facepalm coming right about .... now!
History repeating itself at its finest,
but would this time be different?
It probably will :)
The process? The ending?
I don't know, but I sure as hell hope that it's a happy ending

---

As we held each other close to our arms to the song we love he most
I see a little tear in your eye as you wiped away mine

You'll be back
and I'll be back

---
Thanks darling
for pointing out the obvious to me
over and over again

Rebirth

A moment to document

A moment in the rain

A moment of peace

---

For so long I've been holding on to every grudge while counting my blessings

but today is the day I realize it didn't matter

---

Today I went out for a run

Not in the gym

but on the tracks

In a familiar route 

with a different kind of "first"

I haven't been running outdoors 

I took a deep breath and ran in small steps but at a constant pace

It started getting cloudier,  

halfway through, it started raining heavily 

My eyelashes caught the rainwater and my phone was wet
I licked my lips and it tasted like diluted salt water, a mixture of sweat and rainwater

I dodged the puddles and ran in bigger steps 

I didn't know I had it in me 

Soon enough, I was back at the usual pace

I started smiling as the song "Go The Distance - Lucas Grabeel" was playing in my earphones

I can't help but reminisce over the past 9 months 

I started tearing up and started laughing as I run 

I haven't felt so free in such a long time 

I don't really have a lot of alone time
but when I do, I feel the subtle change in myself

---

Throughout this time
I've lost my grandfather
got 50% on one of the biggest projects
had troubles with the university and visa
failed every internship interview and ended up telling one of them who hired me that "I'm a bit tired, it's 4 a.m. in the morning"
got turned down by companies due to my physical state
lost sight of the future and what I wanted

with every breakdown, there is a breakthrough  

The day I started walking up the stairs, and then down the stairs
The day I got my full curl and full extension
The day I started to walk without crutches
The day my physiotherapist told me I can start running
The day I started hiking up the mountain

and of course,
today

The day I start to run


"You can't run away from danger, you can't work with us"
"Why would you tell your parents about this?"
"I would have done things differently if I were you.."
"Why are you so careless?"
"You all didn't try caving in Taman Negara? Why didn't you? Too atas for it?"
"Why are you always at home?"
"So, you guys just .. chill at home?"

All the unintentional/intentional accusations and mean things people said to me and to the people I love didn't matter anymore...

I can run, therefore I am free

I learned, once again, I'm only limited by what I put myself to be


The rain washed away my limitations, and the negative energy cloud hanging around me.
Dear world, watch me as I make my comeback



Stuck in my brain throughout the run

PS: Happy 10 months darling :)
Remember how you've explained that time is relative on one of our tube rides home? 

You are the proof, that time is indeed relative. 
You make every love song linger longer than they do
You make the disastrous days go faster than they normally do
How you've made time relatively fast and relatively slow is beyond my imagination

The moment that I surrendered into your arms as you firmly pulled me in, was the day I fell in love
The day I knew you love me, was the day you chose to stay when I begged you not to.

How deep is your love? You're redefining the word "depth" as we speak, challenging the Mariana Trench every day
Thank you for making us believers in love again. :) 

9月3日~~

4.15pm
This is a typical Monday afternoon

The office is warm, stuffy and everyone is concentrating at work
I have been crunching numbers since the morning
Concentrating so hard on my tiny excel screen that I ignored the phone screen that lit up at least 5 times with missed calls

I hear the printing machines running loud
I turned my head towards the door

it's just someone from sales

I turned my head back to my screen and continued to concentrate on my cash flow projections

The engineer I worked with pointed to me
"That's her"

I lift my head up to her in confusion

Engineer: "Her boyfriend is here?"

...

Me: "My boyfriend is here? "

The receptionist answers in a monotonous voice
"Yes, he says he called her a few times but she didn't pick up"

I looked at my phone
3 missed calls from KY
and 2 from another number

I can't help but feel confused as I walk through the door
'Is something wrong?' I asked myself

As he walked through the main office with a small bag in his hand,
I can't help but smile..

Over Merdeka weekend, he came over to my place and spent it with my family at Taman Negara
After he sent me to work today he was supposed to visit his uncles and go back to Melaka
Over lunch, I was trying out my luck and asked him if he was, perhaps, thinking of staying another day, to which he said no
You can only imagine my surprise when he came

He bought me food, coffee... and a watch 

Yesterday, he started asking me about what sort of watch I wore for sports, what colours I have for watches etc

and here he is today

To have a loved one visit me during work hours
is beyond my wildest dreams

Thank you for all the surprises and the happiness



PS. Is it weird to fall in love with "Say Yes to the Dress"?